So, the Crystal Empire still manages to leave me speechless. That isn’t saying much given I’ve only been here twice, but this place is fucking amazing. Gyphus was cool, Canterlot is beautiful, but the Crystal Empire is simply breathtaking. The only thing that can even come close in comparison would be the Changeling Hive, but purely because of how insanely well crystallized love works with dim lighting and differently colored lighting. Still, the Crystal Empire is simply one of my favorite places to visit… when I can visit it.

Twilight and her friends wouldn’t make it to the Crystal Empire for about a day; Ponyville is slightly further south and has no access to the Royal Train station like we snobs in Canterlot do. So the Princess Summit would be held off for a day. Perhaps another two days so Twilight and her friends can go get some rest after being on a train for two days. On the brightside, I came up with plans to start putting frozen pizza into production along with other Italian dishes that were canned.

Luna and Chrysalis admitted that the canned food idea was ingenious because nobody thought to do that before. Also Chrysalis said she would help fund my venture if I need it… I already sent recipes and had some factories ready to put those things into process. Hell, Luna even offered to advertise it if the flavor of the canned shit turned out to be good… Why are these women so nice to me? Chrysalis, you fucking loveable cuddle bug. I want to kiss you so much, but you’re too tall to do it on the dime. And Luna might get a hug or a nuzzle. Mostly a hug; Luna is very huggable.

I miss being tall.

Chef Boyardee will be jealous of my food empire too.

When we disembarked, we headed immediately for the castle. Well, the Princesses and Chryssy did. I got stopped on the street by a few dozen Crystal Ponies. Then that downgraded to a shit ton, and then that downgraded to a fuck ton of Crystal ponies. Did I say downgrade? I meant upgrade. Anyways, I signed signatures, answered questions, declined having several mares’ children, and even got a bouquet of weird-smelling flowers thrown in my face.

I later learnt those were covered in female pheromones. And I also later learnt that was how mares tried to seduce stallions. That… just made me confused and Chrysalis expressed her disgust for the practice given where mares tend to keep their pheromones. So that’s cool. Chrysalis patted me on the back when I got back to her… so many ponies. So much attention. I hate this. I want to die.

When I got back, I decided to hunt down either Cadance or Shining Armor simply for the sake of catching up with them. Fortunately, because I’m the luckiest mother fucker on the planet, I found them. Unfortunately, they were in the throne room and were catching up with two alicorns. One being my favorite(unless Chrysalis counts as an alicorn), and the other barely even registers as being a person to me anymore. Or at least not a person I can respect without throwing up on the inside.

And to add to my luck, Princess Cadance noticed me before I could slip back out of the room and happily beckoned me over to her. So of course, I did, if only because I knew she wanted to have a round of mini-golf against me while I was in the Empire, and because I wanted to hit up a bar with Shining Armor too. Maybe even spar with the fella; he’s hella fun because of how hard it is to work around the shield.

“Fruit, it's so good to see you!” Cadance actually flew over to me just to hug me. Luckily, because she is the fluffiest princess, I had no qualms in being hugged, especially when the fluffiest princess happens to be really fucking cute- Chrysalis was still in my head, and she was facehoofing at the moment. Probably because even after spending a year as a pony, I still find other ponies to be kinda cute. And Chrysalis only likes it when I call her cute. “So, I’ve been wondering… There is this huge tournament that goes on in Prance every year and I want you in it.”

“Cool. What is it?”

“You like fighting right?”

“Yeah. Well, not really, but Chrysalis wanted to train me in it, and training’s always fun… When Pharynx doesn’t completely kick my ass.”

“Well, I want you to participate. Three members from every country in the Equestiran Alliance go into a huge brawl in a magically generated arena. The winners get thousands of bits, an award, and there are prizes and winners for several different categories. I want you participating on behalf of the Crystal Empire.”

“But we were going to have him participate on behalf of Equestria!” Luna and Celestia said in unison. I woulda chose Equestria purely for Luna, but since Celestia wanted it to, Equestria can go burn in hell. “I’ve seen how Fruit is in combat; he is leagues above the average guard.”

“Yeah, which is why I’ve been trying to get Fruit to join the guard so much. Any unicorn that can keep up with an earth pony for as long as Fruit has, is impressive.” Shining Armor grinned.

“And he will be participating on behalf of the Hive,” Pharynx said, casually strolling inside with Thorax, who was in a plush form of himself(I wanted to hold Thorax after seeing that). “He is legally a citizen of the Hive even if he isn’t a changeling. And I want him on my team; he follows orders well, can fight well, and can so far… Fruit has proven that he can be a threat if he desires to be one. Instead, he hugs Skitter or Scatter the very moment he so much as brushes their coat while striking at them.”

“You expect me to punch you ‘lings in the face and not feel bad?”

“No. Because you go on, and on, and on about how cute we are and once spent six hours of your day just cuddling Thorax.”

“So Fruit, who will-”

“The Hive. No offense to you Shiny, but Pharynx is fucking terrifying. And also, fuck you, Celestia. I’d happily fight for Equestria if just Luna wanted me to fight for her, then cool. But… I remember being almost sent to Tartarus because I ‘killed’ some guy that literally tried to stab me in the throat with his horn,” Shining Armor and Cadance’s eyes widened. “And so far, Chrysalis has treated me super well, and Pharynx, despite being terrifying, is secretly really chill. I love the ‘lings.”

Pharynx actually wrapped a foreleg around my neck and gave me a a surprisingly sweet smile. “Glad to hear it. You’re my favorite pony for a reason.”

“I’m not mentally a pony.”

“Exactly. You aren’t a ‘bitch’ as you’d put it.” Shining took offense to that and immediately tried to deck Pharynx in the face… and had his foreleg twisted by said Pharynx. “Now, I shall go find the Queen. You’re looking after Thorax by the way.” The next thing I knew, I was cradling a plush Thorax and smiling like an idiot. Pharynx, for a moment, stopped looking dead inside to smile at the sight, before wandering off to find Chrysalis.

“Oh. My. Sweet. Faust.” Who? “That is adorable!” Cadance tried grabbing Thorax, only for the changeling to turn back into his actual form and hide behind me. Only to pounce on Cadance and start cuddling her.

“Your highnesses,” a yellow guard walked in. “Twilight Sparkle and her friends have arrived.”

After hiding in my room, while cuddling Thorax, I heard a bunch of footsteps outside my door, so I began got out of my door. A huddled, yellow furred pony ran past me while Twilight ran after said unicorn telling the thief to stop. So I bolted after them to try and stop the unicorn, who actually had Twilight’s crown(it was poking out a saddle bag) to try and help out. Of course, because of magic, Twilight managed to get ahead of the fugitive. Then the unicorn blinked, not teleport, through the Princess of Friendship.

As more of Twilight’s friends joined the chase, it eventually led into a storage closet, where both Twilight and the stranger got into a scuffle, well, Twilight actually pinned down the assailant, and knocked the crown into… a mirror. Instead of it breaking the mirror like anything hitting literal glass should, it got absorbed into the mirror and the unicorn blinked up to the mirror before giving a cheesy, movie villain line before walking into the mirror itself.

“Okay. What the fuck?” Thorax poked his head in the door before slipping out, possibly to go get Chrysalis or just somebody with some actual authority. Despite Twilight being a princess, she doesn’t actually rule over anything yet, so her authority over things is questionable, and only really comes into play when Luna and Celestia are not available.

Plus we should probably ask Luna or Celestia what the fuck was up with that mirror.

We all reconvened in the throne room, where Celestia was giving us the run down of who the yellow bitch was: An old student that was a real cunt because she didn’t get to achieve her goals immediately. Of course, this led to Sunset Shimmer, the yellow bitch, stole something that is highly valuable to national security, Twilight has to go to this other world to get her crown. So Twilight began walking up to the portal only to be interrupted by Rainbow Dash…

And gave the most cheesy ‘friends stick together’ speech ever.

I raised a hoof. “Yo. Just on the off chance that this place happens to be worse than fucking Tartarus, why would you guys all want to just jump on in there?”

“Well, we gotta help Twilight! It’s what friends are for!”

“If you all go, y’all could be of use, or you could fuck everything up and make getting the crown back impossible. So Rainbow Dash, would you just have Twilight go, because there is less of a chance of things going to shit with just her, or would you like to go and possibly make things go to shit with all of you there? No offense, but Pinkie has absolutely no self control; she’ll piss at least somebody off by not knowing her boundaries…”

“You.. make a good point.”

“However, that does bring up my next point…” Celestia walked up to me, tried to rest a hoof on my shoulder, only for me to step back. I pretended to not notice the slight sparkle in the Princess’s eyes when I did that. “You should go with Twilight. You will probably know far, far more about this dimension than anypony will.”

I sighed. “Only because I would rather not have my new home burn to the ground because some psychotic bitch, that isn’t you, decided that Equestria would make for a nice bonfire-” Chrysalis slipped a hoof around my neck.

“Be careful Fruit, this is the first time I’ve seen the Crystal Mirror in person, and I know not where it leads. But please come back in one piece, and hopefully, with Twilight Sparkle and her crown.”

“If what Celestia implies what I think it means, I’ll probably come back with that crown, Twilight, and a few not so pleasant things to say to Celestia… Though I’m certain some Chrysalis time would be enough to placate my newfound, stronger anger towards the Princess. But I’ll be back before you guys know it with a couple extra things.” I grabbed Twilight, picked her up, before promptly tossing her in the mirror. Spike ran in right after I did that while everypony else gave me the stink eye. “Oh go eat a dick. I want to get this shit over with so I can fuck Chrysalis.” Chrysalis’s tomato-colored face is all that I saw when I backed into the mirror.

Sure enough, I was human. Secondly, I’m going to get a shotgun. I have a bag of bits on me, so I can probably get a shotgun. “Twilight, shut the fuck up!” I sighed as Twilight continued to scream at the monstrosity that is a human being, which she also was. Spike was a talking, fucking dog, and I was fucking pissed off now. So that’s another thing I’mma talk to Celestia about. I might be disappointed in Luna, and Chrysalis probably didn’t even know what the fuck the Crystal Mirror was until just now.

“Go check the school building out,” I pointed to the building in front of us. “I’ll go get supplies. See what you can gather about the world we’re currently in…” Twilight nodded, and immediately got up on her legs as they wobbily carried her to the school building with Spike on her shoulder, it was kinda cute, and Twilight was pretty pretty for a human. Aside from the fucking fact that she was purple, or my skin matched my coat when I’m a pony…

I’m a black man now. Well, a dark brown man now. Dunno how that would translate into segregation, or anything else like that, but whatever.

I walked down the street, whistling a song that mostly involved ways of how I’ll probably kill myself. In another life, I would probably be a huge fan of Bo Burnham, and I still am in this life. So the first thing I did was walk into a pawn shop, make about ten grand off of just twenty bits, and then go buy a long list of CDs, a laptop to rip music from, and a hammer or two. While I sat at a McDonalds, waiting for about seven shit tons of music to be written downloaded and got a McPizza. Because I guess this universe is cursed, and McDonalds still sells that shit in this current date and time.

It was some good pizza at least.

Some research later, and I could tell this was basically Earth without the whole racism thing. Stuff like the holocaust still happened though, because Planet Earth finds a way to be worse than literal PONY HELL. Once that was all done, I went and got a shotgun out of a Walmart, because of course Walmart would have a sexy double barrel shotgun, a crossbow, which I also bought, and a revolver all in the same aisle outside of a case. And I still had enough to get a backpack to store all the ammo for those things in.

Also I bought a dart gun. What kinda fucking shit is Walmart smoking? They had fucking horse tranquilizers for sell!

I got back to the school, which was named Canterlot High, I concealed my dart gun, and grabbed a hammer out of my backpack. I hucked the backpack through the portal and went to find Twilight sitting on the steps, whispering to herself about how she won’t be able to get her crown back before the three day time limit is up.

“Hey Twilight, come around tonight, we’re gonna get your crown back and probably kidnap Sunset Shimmer; she looks kinda cuddly despite her being a big bitch.”

“What?” Twilight looked at me like an idiot.

“Don’t worry about it. Stick your ass back through the portal. You know where the crown is?”

“In Princ-principal Celestia’s office.”

“Sick. now stick your sexy ass back through the portal and let Sunbutt know what’s up.”

After I had to tranquilize Twilight, I stuck her unconscious body back through the portal and waited for nightfall. Around nightfall, I scouted the building to find… Twilight’s crown just setting on a desk. I then slammed my hammer through the window, climbed through the now broken window, and grabbed the crown. I happily stuck the crown on my head and walked on out to the portal. And just like the actual Celestia, her human equivalent had zero security since nobody came to arrest me for property damage.

Except Sunset Shimmer. She had a sledge hammer.

“Hello, Princess? I thought Twilight would be back to get her crown back. Not some random guy.” Rude, I am that random guy… with a gun.

“How the fuck do you even know that I have the crown?”

“It’s on your head, you fool.”

“Ah damn, you rite.” Odd, when you ha e something on display, people know you have it.

“That’s not even how you spell ‘right’!” Sunset took a deep breath. “Look, give me the crown, and I’ll let you go home.”

“Okay. counter argument… I have a gun.”

“...what?”

“Bits are made of gold. Humans would suck dick and commit murder for gold. Gold is very valuable since it’s used in a lot of electronics… blah blah blah, I have money, and I used that to get a gun. Also, surprise mutha fucka!” I drew my dart gun and shot Sunset with some horse tranquilizer. As in the same shit I shot Twilight with. Yes, this is a literal chekhov gun… did I plan this? No. did Walmart come through on managing to have a gun, but not a single bag of Doritos? Yes.

Anyhow, I threw Sunset’s body in and heard a gunshot and a scream… Probably shoulda mentioned that Canterlot High was located in Detroit. I ran in before I got ‘Murica’d by some psycho with a handgun. Not without reloading my new favorite toy with elephant tranquilizer… because Walmart. Yes, Walmart owns my soul now.

I landed on my hooves, to see Twilight still knocked the fuck out, Sunset was very unconscious and currently drowning in her own drool. Five of the Elements that were actually conscious were staring at their unconscious friend while Luna got rope to tie up the yellow bitch.

“Fruit, what did you do to Twilight?” Celestia asked.

“She wouldn’t fucking go through the portal. So I shot her with something literally made to put horses to sleep so we can move them easier.”

“Why…? You could have asked her nicely?”

“Because I’m pissed and running low on patience.” I grinned to see Chrysalis holding the double barrel shotgun, which was unloaded thankfully, and examining it. I also checked the revolver and crossbow… Perfect working condition. “Glad to see my extra things made it safely. By the way, Luna, be prepared to drag Celestia to bed and delay the Summit a little longer.”

“...Why?” Luna tilted her head, having finally tied our prisoner up.

“Simple,” I shot Celestia with the elephant tranquilizer. “Dumb bitch...” I looked up at Chrysalis. “Let’s go cuddle, and get a little cuddlier.”

“Well... Who am I to deny you, Fruit?” Chrysalis handed the bag, with my newly acquired guns over to Thorax. “Take that to Fruit Punch’s room, please.”

We got very cuddly and really kinky that night.

Author's Note

Celestia was out for a week by the way.