So, while Chrysalis was preoccupied with learning how to Princess from Celestia and Luna, I was out on the practice field testing out the shotgun I bought in the human world. It was a double barrel of some sort, and obviously had two rounds that could be shot in quick succession. It was pretty damn strong, judging from how it blew a hole through a target, and was loud enough to even break several guards’ focuses because it made them jump with each shot. Also, it can(thankfully) be used with magic since using it with my hooves was hard, since I had to be on my hindlegs to use it. That could go about as well as you’d imagine.

Shining Armor learned that the hard way, since he was now testing it, and holding it like I was when I was holding the gun with my hooves. “You see Fruit, you just gotta put more muscle into your hindlegs- BUCK!” Shining Armor got sent on his ass and was immediately massaging his shoulder with a hoof after the shotgun knocked him on his ass. And also kicked his ass. That had me laughing my ass off, while the Elements, excluding Twilight, watched. “Sweet Celestia! What kind of ponies would use that thing?”

“Humans aren’t ponies, Shiny. And before you ask, that thing can blow a fucking hole out of somebody’s chest up close, or their entire head up close. Since I have a feeling, because we totally don’t get world ending threats once every six months, that having a shotgun would be pretty damn handy. So being able to defend myself, without magic, is pretty helpful. Unfortunately, it has some drawbacks despite how useful it is.” I patted Shining Armor on the back. “That’s the power of human technology though. Just imagine, a bomb that could wipe out entire countries at the drop of a hat. That is why humans are so dangerous.”

“So you’re telling me, you hail from a race that would be incredibly dangerous should they ever find a stable way into Equestria.”

“Just be lucky that those damned Red Coats never figured out how to hop dimensions. You fuckers would be paying taxes on stuff like sugar. Or have to house soldiers, that you didn’t want, in your home. Shit’s stupid.”

“I… why a tax on sugar?”

“Fuck if I know. The brits, or the red coats, ruled almost the entire globe, so I guess they had to fund themselves somehow. “

“You humans are messed up.”

“You’re telling me, a human turned pony, that? There was an article about somebody killing a guy. Wanna know why he killed said guy?” Everyone in the room nodded. “Too much ketchup on their burger. If it takes you, a pony, to make me realize how fucked the human race is, and fucked up the human race is, then I need to factory reset my brain.” Shining Armor blinked. “As in kill myself for being stupid.”

“I… that’s a little too far for just not being the smartest pony in the room, Fruit.”

“I was once human; we humans take things a little too far. Ketchup on a burger, y’know?”

“I don’t like that saying.”

“It’s not one. I made it up…” I looked over at a very angry Sunset Shimmer, who had a magic-prohibiting ring. She was surrounded by guards, and looked a moment away from breaking somebody’s neck. “So why isn’t she in a prison cell?” I asked. “Keeping a highly dangerous criminal in jail seems like a good idea, dontcha think, Shiny?”

“Celestia’s orders… for some bucking reason.”

“The same one that tricked me into thinking I killed a man?”

“What?! The Princess would never do that!” Rainbow shouted while she was standing right next to me. “I mean, the Princess is awesome! And you’re her close friend; why would she do that to you?”

“Because she was bored or something. I don’t fucking know. Imma go talk to Sunset; it can’t be illegal, right?”

“No, it’s not. Be careful though… she will bite you if she feels like it.”

“Ah, so she’ll eat me out. Usually it’s the other way around where the guy eats the girl out, but whatever.” Shining Armor started gagging at that as I walked away. As I got closer, Sunset noticed me and growled at me, but made no efforts to walk away or move. “So… how is coming back to Equestria?”

“You shot me with a fucking tranquilizer! Where the hell did you even get that?”

“Walmart.”

“Huh…” Sunset blinked, immediately forgetting that she was angry for a moment. “I knew that store had a lot of stuff, but not a dart gun.”

“I didn’t either, but they did. I’m concerned about how they sold that to a highschooler, but eh. Sorry about shootin’ ya; it wasn’t personal. I just wanted to go home because I have several bones to pick with your old mentor. And you were about to ruin that along with my relationship; I am dating a changeling and we kinda need to be in the same dimension to date each other.”

“Wait- why would you hate the Princess? Isn’t she supposed to be perfect and could do no wrong?” Sunset’s voice got a bit more nasally.

“Guards, are you listening?”

“No sir. And we still aren’t.”

“Can I order you guys to go get drunk and get off duty.”

“Well… you are a hero of the Crystal empire… But you aren’t our captain. We would still follow orders from you if Cadance and Captain Armor are not available.” The guard pulled earplugs. “If it helps, we have these, so we can’t listen to you.” I nodded and the guards stuck earplugs in their ears.

“So like, this one time, I was having a jolly ol’ time, just lost my job, eh? Well, I was kinda depressed for a few days after that. So a day or so afterwards, because ponies are racist and hate that a non-pony is dating a pony, somebody tried to murder me, right? And y’know, I didn’t wanna die, so I punched him in the jaw and heard something break. Due to me just not knowing how pony necks work, I thought I killed the man, and Celestia threatened to send me to Tartarus for murder.”

“That… sounds like a legitimate reason to go to Tartarus-”

“The guy I punched never died. He just went to the hospital because I broke his jaw and knocked a couple of teeth out. I didn’t know that, and got forced to go on a mission where my mission was to kill a fucking baby griffin for no apparent reason to save myself from going to Tartarus. I get told, after thankfully not killing a baby, that I didn’t kill anyone and that I did all of that for nothing because of a self defense clause. Oh yeah! I’m not a pony, I was once a human and got dragged into Equestria for some fucking reason. And Celestia didn’t bother to tell me that there might be a portal that can at least take me to a version of Earth. Needless to say, I don’t like that sun-ass even if it is a nice ass to look at.”

“...Princess Celestia tried to get you to kill a baby?”

“Yeah. it was really cool; I laughed so hard at her prank that I nearly pissed myself while holding the knife.”

“What the…”

“Anyways, wanna go get pizza?” Sunset’s ears perked up at that.

“Oh yes! Oh I had some of that stuff once… from some place called Pizza Hut.”

“Oh you poor bitch; Pizza Hut is shit tier when it comes to pizza.”

“Wait, pizza can get better?”

“Indeed it can! Follow me!” We both ran off to the kitchens.

We left the kitchen with several platters of pizza. Sunset offered to help carry them if I could take the ring off her horn, so I saw no problem in that of course! Sunset turned out to be pretty cool, and actually helped carry all the food with her magic. When all was said and done, I took a seat at the dining table before patting the yellow unicorn on the back. “You know, if you keep behaving yourself for the rest of the night, I’ll let you walk around without the ring.”

“You can do that?”

“Legally? No. Do I care? No. Celestia can go give herself a rimjob if she gets mad at me for bonding with her old student over some food.”

“Well, you won’t hear me complaining either; and don’t worry, I will behave if this tastes good.” Sunset grabbed a slice of pizza with her magic and took a bite. Her eyes went wide as she pulled the slice back, getting some nice, cheese-pulley action as she chewed. It seemed like Sunny was the type of mare to actually take her time to savor each bite, because she chewed it for a solid thirty seconds before swallowing. “Oh my god.”

“Is it good?”

“You were right, compared to this, Pizza Hut was awful! Like holy shit, this tastes so good!”

“I see that you picked up on human sayings over your two years in the mirror world.” Sunset’s ears pinned against her head, having finished the slice in two bites. “Oh… shit. I didn't mean to-”

Sunny shook her head. “No, you didn’t know… it’s just that I had to fit in, so I learnt human phrases really quickly to fit in better. Sometimes it hurts; knowing that I couldn’t excel as much as I wanted, and then Twilight Sparkle becomes a fucking alicorn in a little under two years? I was Celestia’s student for probably longer than Twilight was when she ‘graduated’ and all I got was better control over my magic!”

“Sunny. That is a slippery slope you’re going down.” Sunset looked up at me with wide eyes. “I once used to compare myself to everyone else, to be first rather than last. All that did was make me stressed and pissed off when I couldn’t overachieve on something I honestly wasn’t very good at. Eventually I learnt something important: It does not matter if you are better or worse, to be the best. And it only hurts when you compare yourself to everyone. Have inspirations, those are always important, but don’t compare yourself to them. It’s like trying to take singing lessons and immediately compare yourself to Beyonce; it’ll just upset you when you can’t compare to her.”

She sniffled. “But…”

“You’re an already gifted unicorn, you being a pupil directly to one of the most powerful magic users in history proves that, Sunset Shimmer. Perhaps what you didn’t need was power, and just control over the sheer, raw power that you already had. So what if you never made any groundbreaking achievements? Look at yourself right now, nobody else, are you proud of what you’ve done? Are you proud of what you are? Are you happy?”

Subset shrugged. “Sometimes I regret simply plotting my revenge. I had a whole new world to explore and discover and… I wasted that opportunity on petty revenge and only ever hurt anyone.”

“Then raise your chin up and improve yourself. If you aren’t proud of yourself now, or what you’ve done, become what you will be proud of. Will you make huge leaps and bounds to be a better person? Or will you struggle a bit with becoming a better person? It doesn’t matter, just improve yourself, and once you reach the end, ask yourself if you’re proud of who you are in those few final moments, Sunny,” we were sitting next to each other, so I pulled her into a hug when I saw tears running down her face. “And, because we’re friends, I’ll be with ya until the end.”

“We’re… we’re friends?”

“Yeah. We both hate Celestia’s guts, and we both like pizza. I’m sure we’ll discover other things we like, but so far, you’re pretty cool despite you trying to plot to destroy an entire high school. If you don’t wanna be friends, cool, if you do, that would be nice. I can tell that you’re probably a good pony, just with a lot of problems, but if you do, that would be nice.” Sunset leaned into me, now not crying, and we just sat and ate pizza together.

Sunset and I were now idly chatting, just like a couple teenagers, we had managed to clear through two out of the eight pizzas I made. One point of conversation was what we missed about our respective worlds. Where we both agreed the internet was great, and Sunset was shocked to hear that I hated my parents with a passion. From there, Shimmer asked about who I was dating, and I began telling her about changelings.

While she isn’t as obsessed as Twilight, she did make a cute little face while she was taking in any new information she deemed interesting. It was very cute that I booped her on the nose mid conversation, and it was cuter when she didn’t even react; her body blinked on instinct for her. But her ears held their position facing towards me, and drunk in every bit of information of Chrysalis and the ‘lings as I was legally allowed to tell. Who knew that a criminal would be criminally cute?

I couldn’t share everything though, which was understandable. Because being a race that got by off of being secret meant that you have secrets you don’t want to let out. Of course, all good things must come to an end, and that ended with four happy looking Princesses, and Chrysalis with my dart gun in her mouth, walked in. the Princesses were chatting away, while Chrysalis looked to be on the verge of committing suicide. “Golly! I am starving…” Cadance paused mid sentence. “What is Sunset Shimmer doing without her ring?”

“She was behaving, so I fed her some pizza, and she’s been behaving since. Sunny’s been using me as a pillow ever since we’ve had a talk. So I found zero reason to put the ring back on her after she’s been nothing but a sweet little filly the whole time.”

“Didn’t you say she threatened to hit you with a sledge hammer?” Twilight asked.

“And I shot her with a dart gun. And you. And that bitch over there,” Sunset and Twilight’s eyes widened when they realized who that bitch was: Celestia herself. “So I’d say we’re even, and she wasn’t thinking straight. And also has anger issues and several mental health problems from being put under such a rigorous curriculum since the age of four. Constant homework, studying, tests, all that fun stuff that stresses the fuck out of kids back home. So I don’t fully blame her for being a bitch; I was being one too by shooting her.”

“And he fed me the best pizza I’ve ever had! A girl loves a stallion that can cook.” Sunset shook her hooves like they were fists.

“And I love him, so don’t get any ideas,” Chrysalis said, teleporting my dart gun into some random plain of existence.

“I know what you and Fruit have going on, and while I might’ve been evil until Fruit offered me food, even I’m above trying to wedge myself into a relationship to try and ruin it.”

Celly chimed in. “You can still have a herd, Fruit, you me, Luna-”

“Celly, what did we say about us being friends?”

“You… would kill yourself if we ever became friends?”

“Yup. and I would personally kick myself in the dick, in the grave, and then haunt the fuck out of you if we ever date each other. Secondly, I’m not going to have a harem. Sunny’s sexy and all,” Sunset buried her face into my neck in raw, totally not flustered or embarrassed at all, thankfulness for such a compliment. “But I only have eyes for one woman, and Chrysalis currently is that woman… mare, cute and sexy bughorse that I wanna cuddle with.” Chrysalis flew across the room to obtain a kiss that she was long overdue for.

“So why do you hate Celly, Fruit? Weren’t you both best friends?” Cadence asked.

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, why is that?”

I shrugged. “Friends simply drift apart-”

“But you’re so openly hostile with her now. That’s a little more than drifting apart!” Twilight yelled.

“Cadance, did you not remember what I said when we first got here a week ago?”

“Nope!” I slowly turned to Celestia and she winked. God dammit. Apparently mind wiping is possible now?

“Well, I made pizza if y’all want it. Chryssy, I’ll see you after dinner. C’mon Sunny, I stole a laptop and had somebody make it run solely off of magic… I think I managed to put an emulator with every single NES, DS, and whatever the fuck, game onto it.”

“Is there Pokemon on it?”

“All the way up to the newest one.”

Sunset grinned. “You have my interest.”

Sunset’s a fucking psycho; she actually likes Klink of all Pokemon! We ended off that night debating(yelling at each other) over why Klink’s a dumb pokemon or why it’s not, why me liking Vulpix is retarded(according to Sunset Shimmer), and then onto our favorite games in the series. Sunset actually hit me over the head with a book after I said every game was the exact same, and I hit her over the head with the same book for saying Bidoof is a terrible pokemon. After all was said and done, we were lying side by side, holding a controller each in our magic, playing Super Smash Bros.

“You know, when I first laid my eyes on you, I did not expect you to be such a huge geek over these sorts of- FUCK!” Shimmer just fully stocked me. “Games. Or that you’d be so damn chill; like Jesus, are you the same mare that just tried to cause the apocalypse?””

“You humans make very fun games; even I found time for Dark Souls inbetween my plotting for revenge and brooding routine. I didn’t expect you- what the hell? How’d you get that hit?” I just abused a bug to one-tap Sunset’s character off stage. “To be so… nice. You did shoot me after all, so you can’t blame me for assuming you’d be a huge dick.”

“Thank you, I knew my dick was big when I became a horse!”

“I will cut it off if you don’t stop making those sorts of jokes.” My ears flattened. “I’m just joking; I’m actually a fan of that sort of humor…” Sunset closed Smash Bros and went through the movies I ripped onto the laptop. “Holy… how expensive was this laptop?”

“Ten grand; it came with a few terabytes, a small twenty seven. So I just started putting shit on it.”

“Oh my god. You put How to Train Your Dragon on here!?” Sunset Shimmer looked very excited about that. So we put it on, eventually Chrysalis joined us, and we were well on our way to watch the entire franchise. It was cute to see how excited they both actually got while watching each movie, or seeing them actually cry when somebody actually died. Or how depressed Sunset actually got at the end of the third movie before ripping into the narrative and making genuinely constructive criticism despite her loving the third movie. Chrysalis even picked apart the second movie for the fun of it, and was apparently more observant than Sunny.

Still, I could not get over how Sunset actually likes Clink of all pokemon though. Seriously, who likes that stupid thing?

Author's Note

Sunset Shimmer is adorable. Sue me for wanting to make her a cute little nerd.