“So Fruit, why are you suddenly deciding to go on a cross-country journey throughout Equestria?” Chrysalis asked, having packed our stuff, most of which was hers. “After all, we have a perfectly safe Hive to go back to, safe and far away from Celestia.”

“Chryssy, Celestia fucking mind-wiped Cadance after I told her what happened between me and Celestia. If Celestia is willing to do that to her niece, which is the closest thing to her own flesh and blood that she has, then I don’t wanna know what the fuck is up with that shit. Was Celestia that borderline psychotic back when you two were dating?” Chrysalis just shook her head. “Then how… the actual shit-”

“I have two theories. One, Celestia is actually just a psychopath, a bored one at that, having grown into it due to how socially isolated she was for a thousand years. The other is that the real Celestia got kidnapped, and another Queen took her place. Either is very possible; it’s hard for Queens to actually pick up on each other if they are of equal magical strength. And anyone would go insane from being isolated by your position of power. Had Luna never fallen to her anger and hatred a thousand years ago, I believe Celestia would at least not be psychotic.”

“But Luna was literally on the moon, alone, for a thousand years.”

“She was in a coma. Nightmare Moon was the only one conscious for a thousand years. Luna is just socially awkward for a number of reasons. However, I will personally look into this Celestia situation; if my friend has been replaced by a changeling, then I would like to know why.”

“I still wanna go on a tour around Equestria. Sunset Shimmer wants to see what’s changed since she was gone, and I wanna actually explore the country I’m living in. We’re stopping in Ponyville first, because I guess she wants to make amends with Twilight or whatever, so I’ll still be close by if I want to back out of the tour.”

“Well… you best not think of doing anything with Sunset Shimmer when you two are alone.”

“Like… playing Mario?”

“I meant sex.”

“Why do you immediately assume that I might cheat on you?”

“I can tell you two are close, and it hasn’t even been a full day since you two have interacted. If you do decide to start a herd, she would not be a bad option; I quite like her as well. But I hope-”

“Chryssy, me and Sunset just have a few common interests due to us being human, well, Sunny was a human for about a few years, but she was human. If she is older than what I think my body’s age is, cool, but she acts a lot more like an excitable teenager than an adult, so she’s more like this little sister that loves every hobby you happen to love. Except that little sister kicks your ass in Super Smash Bros every time you play, because while brewing up a way to take over the fucking world, she managed to also make money in tournaments for that shit.”

“I see you are still seeping with sodium after Sunset mopped the floor with you in your silly human games. I honestly do not know how you are so terrible. I ‘full stocked’ the two of you and it was my first time playing.”

“You cheated!”

“By learning the mechanics quickly?”

“...How the fuck did you even learn so quickly?”

“Because I have nice legs, and you won’t disagree with me when I use those in an argument.” She had me there. Dammit... now I was staring at those nice legs.

The ride out of the Crystal Empire was quite uneventful. I urged Sunset onto the train before either of us could see Celestia, since Sunset is still bitter towards the alicorn, and the same alicorn scares me. Twilight and her friends followed suit; despite Twilight wanting to talk to her old mentor, she had to hurry to get on the train with the rest of us because she didn’t have her own Royal Train yet. Neither did Chrysalis, but apparently changelings just have tunnels underground that let ‘lings fly at supersonic speeds.

So that’s what Chrysalis did to get ahead of Celestia to set up a trap for her, or something.

Also, the ride was uneventful if you don’t count the part where Sunset actually hid behind me, for various reasons. One being verbal assault and an almost physical assault from the dumbest fucker in Twilight’s friend group. “So why did you steal Twilight’s crown?” Rainbow, you fucking moron. “Huh? Tell me why. Did you not think your actions-”

“Oi, gay bitch,” I snickered. It’s funny because I don’t think Rainbow’s straight. “Technically, and legally, Sunset is a prisoner of the Hive, and I am her warden. How the fuck Chrysalis managed to get that arranged, I don’t fucking know, but the point is… you have no right to interrogate her.” I patted the cowering unicorn, who actually whimpered at my touch. “And yeah, she fucked up, but she wanted to go to Ponyville with you guys before she went on a tour around Equestria at my recommendation. She wanted to make amends with Twilight, and all you’ve been doing is yell at her for the last few hours, Rainbow.”

“She almost-”

“Yeeh, she almost enslaved an entire race with Equestrian magic. Guess what? She didn’t, and is making strides to better herself. Get off her ass and let her grow, or she’ll go right back to trying to blow up the Earth or some shit. What you’re doing either sprouts villains, or help convicts return to what they’ve done to be convicts in the first place. Shut your shit up, before I kick your shit in.” I raised my hoof. “I am not above breaking your nose right here and now if you do not leave my charge alone.” I snarled.

“But- oof!” Rainbow really did not take getting punched in the chest very well. “What the buck?”

“I said to stop harassing my friend, Rainbow. I am not a fucking pony in the head. While Sunset, who is actually a pony, is more likely to run from conflict, I will meet it dead on, and I will meet it with violence. I would rather not have to resort to it, but if I must, I will punch the shit out of the problem until it stops being a problem. My race has driven species of animals extinct because they kept being problems. And I’m willing to follow in my forefathers’ footsteps with you and your entire family tree. Now, what are you going to do?”

Rainbow, now bug eyed, backed away slowly to the other end of the train cart. Even Apple Jack was a bit disturbed by that.

“Fruit, that was a little mean.” Twilight pointed out.

“You best not tell me, after sitting and listening to Rainbow verbally assault Sunset for hours, that you’re taking Rainbow, Brickhead, Dash’s side. Yeah, promote Loyalty, oh Princess of friendship, but there’s a difference between loyalty, and blindly following your friend and not telling them that they’re being an idiot.” I wrapped a hoof around Sunset. “Sunset’s fucking crying because of how much Rainbow was yelling at her. And I wouldn’t be surprised if Rainbow got physical with Sunset Shimmer if I weren’t here. For that alone, Rainbow has none of my respect, along with another myriad of reasons.”

“I… you’re right, Fruit. I just didn’t know what to do-”

“Because you ponies aren’t built for dealing with conflict. Yes, you can deal with it when given enough time, but your first instinct is to run away, then think about how to resolve it.” I rubbed Sunny’s shoulder and gave her my full attention. “Are you feeling better, Sunny?” I shook my head to myself. “That’s a stupid question, of course you aren’t. I know how to make you smile though!” I stuck a hoof in Sunset’s ear and started rubbing the inside of it. Low and behold, Sunny’s very ticklish.

“Fru-hu-haha! Fru-Fruit! Stah-hap!” Sunset squirmed as her adorable laughter filled up the train cart. I could practically feel how shocked Twilight and her friends probably looked as their most recent enemy turned out to just be a giant cinnamon roll. Of course, after thoroughly tickling the sadness out of Sunset, and removing the breath from her lungs, I relented and kept holding her. “I… fucking… hate you… so…” Sunset took a huge heap of oxygen in. “Much.” Rainbow slowly reproached; she probably thought that I wouldn’t murder her now.

I’m tickling a cute mare; of course I’m not in the mood to kill somebody. Even if I was only bluffing when I threatened Rainbow’s entire family.

“Hey, you aren’t crying anymore, right?” Sunset weakly punched my shoulder. “Yeah, keep pouting, it’s cute.” That brought a blush to her face as she caught her breath. And... she’s pouting and blushing; adorable. I turned my head, low and behold, everyone except Pinkie was shocked, she was writing down something while whispering ‘I can make somepony smile’. So I think that’s a new trick she’ll abuse now. “So, Rainbow, you wanna apologize to Sunset? I betcha you’d both be good friends if you do!”

“But-”

“Rainbow, look at Sunset, the most evil pony ever, is resting her shoulder on some idiot, panting like crazy because she got tickled halfway to death. Sunset is fucking adorable, and deserves way better than what she was handed to in life. And seeing how fucked up Celestia possibly is, it’s no wonder that Sunset grew to resent Celestia for one reason or another. You don’t even have to like Sunset, just say sorry, and move on. You can focus on becoming friends later or never, but it’s wise to leave a good impression before you say goodbye to somebody forever.”

Twilight was writing that down like it was gospel.

When we got off of the train in Ponyville, Sunset and Twilight were geeking out over magic theory. Yes, magic theory. That sounds like a subject that would heavily contradict itself, but it was actually pretty neat even if I barely knew what they were saying. Stuff like levitation, an everyday spell has an equation, which was basically just an expert’s way of breaking the spell down, even if most ponies with horns knew that spell without knowing the equation. This worked all the way up to more complex spells, magical, physical augmentation. Anything that has a spell for it, has an equation.

So theoretically you could do any spell in existence if you had an equation book. You’d only blow yourself up if you fuck up, no stress. Oh yeah, and if you aren’t naturally strong with magic, good luck, you will blow yourself up while attempting the super complex shit.

On the brightside to the gibberisnese that the unicorn and alicorn were spewing out, it meant that they found something they shared a common interest in and were getting along. It got to an argument with them going on about which alicorn, besides the literal alicorn of magic and friendship, was the strongest, and if Queen Chrysalis held a candle to any alicorn. I simply chuckled at that, which sadly got their attention. “What?”

“Why are you even chuckling over this debate? You barely even know magic!”

“Twilight, Chrysalis is constantly fed love from me, and can hold her own against somebody using an alicorn amulet for a brief period of time because of it. I’m not super good with magic, or know a lot about how it works, but I think Chrysalis could probably take down Celestia if they get into a magic clash. You know, when two beams of magic hit each other, and it’s just a power struggle?”

“Well… that is a feat, but Chrysalis still lost to Trixie,” Twilight hummed.

“You know if Trixie didn’t have the amulet, Chrysalis woulda flattened, flipped her inside out, and then kicked her ass. Trixe didn’t seem that powerful with magic. Sure, it’s flashy, but I doubt Trixie could handle a fully fed Pharynx in a magical duel.”

“Pharynx… who’s that?” Twilight cocked her head.

“My personal trainer,” Twilight’s head cocked even further. “The changeling that’s teaching me how to murder people if I need to defend myself. He’s fucking strong; I’ve seen him spar with Shining Armor a couple of times. Shining somehow never won any physical bouts. Magic wise, they’re on par with each other even if Shiny’s shield is a trump card; Shiny’s good, but Pharynx is just sneaky, and has the strength to back it up. I think Shining Armor was Pharynx’s favorite sparring budy.”

“Hmmm. You know, Fruit. I never managed to get you to do a magic test, perhaps I can get you to do one? It would put you on the unicorn index at least.”

“Sure, I’m probably weak as fuck, but it’ll give me an idea of how shitty I am.”

“And… release.” I did as asked, and Twilight and Sunset wrote the results of that test down. “Your accuracy with magic is on point, probably from working at Hayburgers… though it’s nowhere near as cutting edge as Rarity,” Twilight hummed.

“You know, his levitation and grip are rather impressive,” Sunset chimed in. “Do you even use your magic, Fruit?”

“Outside of augmenting my movement or strength with it? No. I don’t wanna rely on magic unless I have to write something. Chrysalis has offered to teach me more about magic, and I only did a few lessons, and keep doing occasional lessons, because it made her happy. Aside from that? Nah. my human brain can’t put any logic behind it, so I barely want anything to do with it. I want to know how something works, but the equations for it all seem arbitrary to me and nonsensical. So I don’t want anything to do with it.”

“Well, you’re pretty above average for a pony that never uses magic; you apparently know magical augmentation, which places your magical knowledge pretty high up off that bat; nopony those spells very often outside of the guard… but that’s the only spell you know that isn’t levitation. You could probably learn how to teleport pretty quickly if we showed you how,” Sunset grinned. “Oh! I wanted to teach somepony how to use magic!”

“Sunset, that’s fun and all, but again, I don’t want much of anything to do with magic. And with me owning a dart gun and a shotgun, I don’t need to learn any more combative magic. Stop using puppy eyes; Chrysalis has you beat in that department by a long shot.”

“How? She’s kinda-”

I summoned a picture of Chrysalis doing puppy eyes, where she used changeling magic to make them bigger, and overall, portion her head out to be very similar to a filly’s.

“-Okay, yeah, that’s really cute… But how the fuck did you summon that photo? And where was that?”

“It was in a photobook in mine and Chrysalis’s bedroom. So… somewhere under Canterlot.”

“Fruit, that’s teleportation.”

“Yeah. and?”

“You know how to do teleportation spells… And you didn’t even know it!,” Twilight groaned. “You could be so good with magic and you won’t let us teach you! Just drop your human brain and just go with what we teach you, PLEASE!” I raised a hoof to my chin, hummed, and ever so subtly inched myself closer to a nearby window before jumping out of it and booking it. Twilight had that look that meant ‘if you say no, I will make you do it anyways’ so I just ran for it.

Somehow my attempts at hiding from Celestia’s former students landed me inside of an orphanage. I don’t know how, but Pinkie just dropped by, started playing a song, and when it ended, I was in an orphanage. Of course, I was offered to look around and see if there were any foals I would be interested in adopting. Did I say no? No. I would have felt like a dick, so I just started walking up and down the isles just looking at babies for thirty minutes until I got to the foals that were about seven to eleven years old.

And that’s where I found a filly that was crying her eyes out. So I stopped and let myself in her pen. It was pretty nice, the floor was hay, there was a bed, and it didn’t look too bad. Her mane was really curly, and so was her tail for that matter. She was a little, mint colored pegasus with a rook for a cutie mark. She had a tie in her mane and tail, which were matching. All things told, she was fucking adorable. There was a problem with her tears though… She was crying intentionally. “Hey kiddo.” the filly looked up from me, sniffing.

There was something off about this kid.

“Hi.” She said. Oh, she’s good, but I can see what she’s doing. “Are you going to adopt me?”

“Well… I dunno. I dunno if Chrysalis would be okay with me adopting a filly without talking it over with her. What’s your name?”

“I’m Cozy Glow. Nopony wants to adopt me because they think I’m not cute.” Cozy’s glance to the ground and back at me with puppy eyes. Her voice sounded off, and there wasn’t even a stutter or sob to fit the sadness in her voice.

“Kid, you can drop the act; I know you’re faking it and something is fucking wrong with you.” Cozy Glow’s eyes widened in pure shock. “Yeah, betcha didn’t expect to meet a guy who has several degrees in body language and pony behavior, didn’t ya?”

“How…”

“The crocodile tears, the lack of a certain… shine in your eyes that actually sad foals have, just how calmly you said ‘hi’ instead of just remaining silent. No sobs, heck you just stopped crying and looked shocked after my bluff. You’re telling me the truth about why nobody’s adopting you, right?”

“It’s because they don’t think I’m a good filly.” Cozy Glow sighed. “They think because I sit quietly in the center of my pen, that I’m creepy. Sometimes mares come in and see me holding something over some of the other foals and make fun of them and say I’m weird. Sometimes I’m seen making fun of somepony I have power over, and then consider me creepy.”

“Cozy, you might be a megalomaniac; somebody who wants power. Not just want it, they crave it more than anything. You also seem a tiny bit unaware of the pain you might be causing others. Because bullying somebody? That’s kinda normal, even if I don’t like it. Finding people you have power over, and holding it over their heads because you think that you’re better than them? Yeah, that ain’t normal. Tell me, do you want to have power over everyone?” Cozy nodded. “Yeah, that ain’t normal.”

“So you won’t adopt me?”

“Never said I would or that I wouldn’t. I’m staying in town for a few days, so I just need to send a letter to Chrysalis about if I can adopt ya. I may not know how to properly care for somebody that might genuinely be a psycho… I could adopt you and just kill you to save the world.” Cozy’s eyes widened in fear. “Okay good, you have emotions; you aren’t a psycho yet, Cozy. You aren’t a sociopath either, luckily.” Cozy was now actually shaking. “Okay, maybe joking about murdering you was a bad idea to test if you’re too far gone or not.” I got down on my knees, and turned Cozy’s head so we were eye to eye. “I won’t hurt you. I might adopt you, too. I won’t kill you when I do though. I couldn’t do that to something so cute,” I noogied Cozy’s head.

“So I’ll have a Dad?” I nodded. The way Cozy’s eyes actually lit up was adorable. “YES!” She hopped up to me and actually hugged me. D’aw, she might be a psycho, but she’s a cute one. Raising her will be tough, but I think I can at least help her. Having somebody to teach her right from wrong would do her some good, and hopefully curve that megalomania she has going on.

“Just lemme get into contact with my girlfriend; I need to know she’s okay with this before we do anything, alright? If things go accordingly, you’ll have a Dad and a Mom.”

Anyways, Chrysalis came pretty quickly and we were standing at the adoption desk. “I’m surprised you let me do this.”

“I wanted foals; I didn’t say I had to be the one to give birth to them, Fruit. I hope you understand that we will get married sooner than you’d expect if you want to go through with this.”

“I’m down. I get to raise a kid, something I was hoping to do at some point, and I get to marry the love of my life? Sign me up!” Chrysalis smirked. “Though it would be a little sooner than I’d like, I also know what’ll happen if that kid’s left in this orphanage with nobody to raise her properly; she’s gonna end up fucked up in the head, so fucked up that it leads her to do some incredibly shitty things. And if there’s one thing I hate, it’s letting somebody get nurtured into being a psycho when they could be helped.”

“Then let us meet Cozy Glow-”

I was tackled by a very excitable filly. “I knew you’d come back! I knew it!” Cozy genuinely sounded so happy to see me that I couldn’t help but laugh. “I have a dad…” Cozy then looked up at Chrysalis. “You’re…”

“Queen Chrysalis, at your service. I’m also your dad’s marefriend. So I am also your Mom now… if you don’t mind.”

“I…” Cozy Glow then tackled Chrysalis with all the power and might that only an excited filly could have. “This is the best day of my life!” The next thing I knew, Chrysalis was grooming Cozy, Cozy was actually acting like a child instead of a dead-inside-midget, and I was signing the adoption papers for us. We had the adoption fees wavered by Chrysalis literally being a queen. “So does this mean I’m a princess now?” Cozy asked.

“Yeah. But I’ll be teaching you how to properly treat others. It’s good to want power and all, it’s ambition, and I can’t fault ya on having that. But what you do with that power is important kiddo.” Cozy just stared at me in wonder. “You can be the most powerful mare in the world, and it won’t matter if you treat everyone so poorly that they revolt and tear you down from your throne. Treat everyone with love and care though? They’ll be loyal to you, Cozy. They’ll love you.”

“Nopony told me that before…”

“Because nobody took the chance to actually raise you, and help you work through your flaws to turn them into strengths. You may never come into full power of the Hive, but I can easily see you being a good mayor of a town or city if you desire. You may even be good at it, since what Fruit told me, you tried to emotionally manipulate him off the bat, and he only saw through it because he spent his life learning about how to see through such manipulation.” Chrysalis, how fucking dare you.

“It’s… why I stopped trying to manipulate him. He actually wanted to adopt me despite knowing what is ‘wrong’ with me... And he’d call me out on it too, It’s scary as to how quickly he saw through that! So many have fallen to that trick before!”

“Just know that I can probably teach you to be even more manipulative without relying on being cute; though just being cute is probably why Fruit wanted to adopt you aside from wanting to help you. of course.” Chrysalis lifted Cozy up in her magic before blowing a raspberry into the filly’s stomach. Of course, Cozy had to give a very cute giggle to that. “Now, see how Fruit thought that was cute? Ask him to buy you some candy and give him puppy eyes while doing it.”

I ended up buying them both chocolate because Cozy asked me to buy her new mother some as well… I’m not gonna survive for very long with an adorable daughter and cute marefriend doing this to me. Cozy’s reaction to having candy for the first time was adorable, and also heartbreaking due it exposing me to just how much society really did fuck her over… Yeah, that little smile on her face as she indulged in cheapo-milk chocolate is worth being manipulated with cuteness. Chrysalis then immediately started going over what tricks work on me specifically, so you know how well I’m going to do with saying no to an already adorable filly. She had a teddy bear by the end of that day.

I’m okay with that.

Author's Note

Fruit will be bankrupted while buying sweets for his new foal.