On the train, I simply sighed, it was the middle of the night. Chrysalis was fast asleep and so was Cozy Glow. Chrysalis figured that Sunset Shimmer wouldn’t need a warden, so we let her go ahead and take her tour of Equestria on her own. It would do some good for Sunset’s psyche if she did it alone even if she wanted me to come with her if I was gonna do the same anyways. Of course she wasn’t happy when she heard I was bailing on that, but uh… then she figured out why I wasn’t continuing the tour with her. Then Cozy spent several minutes staring at me with a ‘please help me’ face while Sunset started squealing about how cute she was.

I did help, but very reluctantly; Cozy looked adorable while being snuggled like that.

Cozy Glow was happily snuggled into my side, snoring away, and making me wonder how the fuck I’m gonna raise a kid. On one hand, Chrysalis has thousands of surrogate children that she has experience with, so she could help me out a bit. I don’t have that experience, and even with my marefriend, soon to be fiance, I’ll probably end up stumbling anyways. The only reason why I probably won’t back out is because it’s far, far too late to back out. For one, the fact that Cozy is actually acting like a child now that she has parents to take care of her. And given how fucked up she is mentally fucked up she probably is… Putting her back in that orphanage would probably turn her into Pony Hitler.

It also didn’t help that I consider Cozy Glow to be very cute, that I already love her, and think that she deserves an actual shot at being a child while being raised by somebody who can possibly help her with her megalomania and whatever other problems she had. One thing I’ve seen mares do with their sleeping foals is wrap their tail around said sleeping baby, and that tail often acts as a blanket. I’m definitely not a mare, but like… it was cute, it sounds cute, and it would help my new child feel safer. Cozy started jerking in her sleep while I was considering the idea of covering her with my tail.

Yeah good argument, Cozy, have a good night.

I covered the squirming foal with my tail, and she stopped jerking around. Her scrunched up, almost fear riddled face, relaxed into one of pure bliss while subconsciously using her teeth to pull the tail further over her. This. This. This is the best moment of my life. I nuzzled my filly, my daughter, before finally turning in for the night.

“Hello, Fruit,” I blinked a couple times. I looked up from the computer I was typing on, where I was writing about how a shark that’s eating a cheeseburger. “Your dreams still make no sense to me at all,” Luna sat down next to me. “What the hay is a cheeseburger?” Luna read the document I was writing on in my dreams.

“You know hayburgers?”

“Of course! I still indulge in one when I can get away with it.”

“Humans have an equivalent to that, which are hamburgers. Cheeseburgers are that, but with cheese. And despite the name, hamburgers are made out of beef; cows.” Luna’s eye twitched. “Back on Earth, cows are fucking stupid, Luna. Like they can breathe air and maybe acknowledge that they can eat grass, and that eating grass continues their existence. Granted, how we humans turn said cows into food to eat is a bit awful, but cows aren’t sentient back at home.”

Luna grimaced still despite that, but chose to not comment on that. She also pretended like this conversation never happened.

“Well I’ve come bearing news, good and bad. And to also congratulate you on your new filly; she seems to love you more than you can imagine. Cozy is legitimately just dreaming about cuddling, under a tree, with you while you read a book to her.” Aw… Now I wanna do that with her! “So the good news is that Tia isn’t bucked up in the head.” Oh. “The bad news is that I cannot find her in the dream realm at all. So either Tia is in a coma, or in a cocoon for some reason. And given how Tia should definitely be asleep right now, how I cannot find her, and how I walked her back to her room before she went to bed… She should be in the dream realm. I think my sister got foalnapped, unconscious and incapable of dreaming, and is being held somewhere. It’s not all that bad, as I believe I can still locate my sister once the fake is busy with a meeting tomorrow.”

Oh. “Are you guys home already?”

“I’m a mare, Fruit, so is Tia.”

“Fuck off. and go die in a ditch”

Luma giggled(why are mares adorable?) before returning to her ‘serious mode’. “But to answer your question, we are home.”

“Cool, I think Chrysalis has a trap set up that only works on changelings. If it works, we’ll have a bug to interrogate when we get back.” Luna nodded.

“On a brighter note, I can see what your daughter is dreaming at the same time of me being here, even if I cannot interact with it, at the moment, due to me being in your dream. That nightmare she had earlier? That was a her dreaming about her biological parents abusing her and telling her she won’t surmount to anything. Right now, she’s having much, much better dreams; she has been since you laid your tail over her,” Luna smirked. “And you said you wouldn’t be good with foals should ever you have any; you seem to be doing a good job at least making her feel loved and cared for, and it’s only been a day since you’ve adopted her.” Gawd damn... if Cozy’s parents were that bad that her body jerks in while having those nightmares... Holy shit.

“ Now I’m even more terrified of fucking up while raising her; I could ruin her even more if I do mess up. So all I’m doing is teaching her right from wrong, and loving the hell out of her.”

“Which is what a parent should do. If you just do that, she’ll end out alright.”

“Do you have experience?”

“I used to adopt foals before my banishment. I would continue adopting foals now, but it turns out politics have gotten more complicated and time consuming. I picked up a thing or two from raising those foals, and let me tell you Fruit, you’ll do fine if you don’t beat Cozy, that’s what her old parents did to her judging from her nightmares.”

“I couldn’t even bring myself to raise a hoof to her, Luna. She’s an adorable little filly; I can’t hit those without feeling awful about it.” Also beating your kid for no apparent reason? Yeah, no wonder Cozy was so fucked up in the head.

Luna grinned. “It’s nearly morning, Fruit, and a certain filly is awake.” Oh.

My vision was blurry, but I could still feel Cozy’s fuzzy, little body still pushed up against my stomach. As my eyes chose to stop being drunk(now hungover), underpaid fast food employees, the little shape that think was Cozy’s face, began to clear up, and the filly was staring up at me. Her snout was cutely buried under my tail as she stared up at me. “Cozy, why are you so cute?” I nuzzled her. “Like seriously, you are criminally adorable and it’s scaring me…” I brought Cozy up and out from under my tail and laid my head over her.

“Well Dad, maybe you shouldn’t find me cute…” Cozy giggled. “That way, I can’t make you buy me chocolate.”

“Hey, that one bit got you a nice, big hunk of chocolate and it made you incredibly happy. I wasn’t gonna deny you that no matter how cute you are. You’re my child now, and I want you to be happy.” Cozy rubbed up against my neck like a cat would. “So, how did you sleep?”

“You covered me with your tail, Dad. only Moms are supposed to do that.”

“But you chose to sleep with me and not Mom.”

“Yeah…” Now Cozy was blushing. “But you still aren’t a Mom. You should be big, strong, and overprotective of me!”

“Are you complaining though?”

“No, it’s just weird that my Dad was covering me with a tail. It felt nice… your tail’s really soft.”

“Well, your Mom makes sure I’m well groomed by a professional, changeling groomer even if I said that I don’t need that.”

“Well, Mister, you are to be my husband. And you cannot look, or be, anything other than sexy around me.” Cozy giggled as I buried my face into her back to avoid the Chryssy Onslaught of Flirting. “Aw, is my Fruity-Cutie embarrassed about me finding him attractive? Or still embarrassed when I catch him staring at my flank?” Both girls in the room giggled at my expense. “Cozy, when you start dating, you must be able to give it your all, especially when it comes to flirting. So do not relent in your flirting, be brutal, indulge in it.” Chrysalis’s weight laid out upon my back. Thanks to how lightweight she actually is, it didn’t hurt. “And of course find yourself a stallion who gets embarrassed over it… that’s when you know you scored a good one.”

“Chrysalis, I am going to make you make so many sexy sounds once we get Cozy Glow settled in.” My voice was muffled by filly fur.

“And you threaten me with a good time? Fruit, I thought I knew you better than that- EEP!” I laughed after nipping Chrysalis’s wing.

Cozy was a giggly little mess, watching her adoptive parents go at it in a pillow fight. She joined in and kicked both of our asses because she’s a strong little girl, and I couldn’t defend myself. Like she actually used cuteness as a weapon and used that to pound me and Chrysalis into the ground with pillows. What the actual fuck, Cozy, I am so proud and so terrified at the same time! On the brightside, our antics ended in family cuddles though, so I wasn’t complaining.

Cozy was napping on my back while we walked through Canterlot in order to get to the main Hive. On occasion, somebody would try to accuse us of kidnapping her, but for some odd reason whenever they did, a changeling-colored baseball would hit them in the face. I don’t know why, totally not my guards playing baseball with each other, that’s for sure. Speaking of my guards, Scatter was practically begging me to let me be Cozy’s foalsitter whenever I’m not available to take care of my kid for whatever reason.

Chrysalis spoke up about that: “You know, being the caretaker of offspring that come directly from me, is an honor every female drone wishes to have. And given that Cozy is legally my daughter, I think Scatter would enjoy taking care of her, and I’m certain you wouldn’t mind having a changeling soldier. A soldier, who is very good at her job, keeping your daughter safe either. There would be no better care taker for Cozy Glow.”

“Damn right I don’t mind. However, since I don’t have a job anymore, I’m gonna be spending a lot of time with Cozy; she needs it.” Cozy was now awake and actually playing with Scatter. Not holding some sort of power over her, no, Cozy was playing with somebody without playing with their emotions. All while on my back. “Cozy, keep being cute,” I chuckled as we kept on walking. “Hey Scatter, if you wanna turn into a bear, give Cozy Glow a literal bear hug, and cradle her all the way to the Hive, go for it.”

“Yes!” Scatter then turned into a bear and scooped Cozy off my back. “Oh, I am going to love being your caretaker whenever your father or the Queen are not available.”

“...How did you turn into a bear?” Cozy Glow looked up with a mixture of wonder-filled eyes and what is naive possibly racism. Luckily that child-like wonder was more apparent.

“We changelings have an innate ability to change our shapes to suit anything,” Chrysalis turned into Cadance. “I was originally going to foalnap the pony I just turned into, but your father made me behave by being charming.” Chrysalis quickly changed back. “And doing that now would jeopardize the Hive’s main source of food, and my chances of being with your father; he probably wouldn’t be happy if I captured one of his friends and pretended to be said friend without his knowledge.”

“Cool… it’s weird though.”

“I’m gonna straighten out that pony-racism, Cozy. it’s a good thing to have; ponies were food for more carnivorous species long ago, so it makes sense that you all have that. It kept you alive, after all. But it’s not a good thing to have where your chances of being eaten are negligible at best. We live in a much more civilised age, where eating another sapient being is a taboo, after all. ” Now I want a lightsaber.

“What’s racsim?”

“Look at Chrysalis, does she seem a bit weird because she’s a changeling?” Cozy nodded. “Now, would you actually voice that if you two were having a conversation? If you two weren’t mother and child?” Cozy nodded again. “That’s basically racism. You’re a bit more innocent in it, thankfully. But some ponies have tried killing me because your mother looks weird and don’t like how I’m dating somebody that looks weird. I need to take you to Gryphus someday; get you seeing other races and how to be polite around them. You can be racist, but don’t make it apparent or obvious. Nobody likes that one guy going around and saying Zebras are ugly for having strips. Because that, that is racist as fuck.”

“But you don’t think Mom is funny looking, right”

“No, I don’t. She does look a certain way, that’s different from ponies; she’s sexy as fuck. Celestia and Luna are great and all, but Chryssy’s flanks are solid!” Cozy giggled and I snickered when Chrysalis’s face was suddenly bright red and buried her face in my face while calling me a bitch.

So I walked on up to Celestia’s chambers, by the request of Luna. What I saw was interesting. Lying on the floor was a changeling queen lying on the floor, unconscious, a tired looking Celestia(she was also unconscious), police tape(where the fuck did they get that?), and Luna peering down at the changeling Queen with murderous intent. Chrysalis was busy taking care of Cozy for me, so I know that Queen wasn’t my Chryssy.

Chryssy also had a nicer ass than the present Queen.

“So… what the fuck?”

“Ah Fruit! I believe you are a changeling expert; do you know who this Queen is?” Luna kicked the unconscious body of the unknown Queen. Why they didn’t contact Chrysalis instead of me, I don’t know. “Because she apparently had my sister in a cocoon.” I walked right up to the Queen and hummed. I brought my hoof up and caressed her cheek. “Fruit-“ I withdrew my hoof, before slapping the bug in the face.

“Wake. The. Fuck. Up. You. Biatch!” I punctuated every word with a slap.

Surprisingly, my foolproof(stupid) method worked. The Queen began to stir. “Huh…”

“Heya.”

“Oh Fruit! I did not-“

“Bitch, you're not disguised. And if you were, why would I defend you if you were actually Celestia?” I chuckled darkly. “Tell me, did you try convincing me that I killed a guy about a month and a half ago?” The Queen nodded after getting over the fact that she didn’t look like Celestia. “Cool. I owe Celestia a hug when she wakes up; a tea party too. I was genuinely afraid that Celly was psychotic. Good to know that we can keep being best friends. Me and Celestia, not you, you fucking... dumb, stupid fuck.” Yeah! Got his ass!

Not this bitch’s ass. Don’t stick your dick in crazy.

“Well Fruit, she will probably be pranking you; Tia is quite good with those,” Luna chimed in.

“Hey, that last prank involved making the press think you and I were lovers, Luna. And neither of us complained; we still decided to snuggle together in the gardens and stargaze, after all.” Fun times. I turned to the Queen. “So why did you try to be Celestia for however long?”

“Your Queen, Chrysalis, is weak. She constantly falls ponies because she ‘needs to feed her hive’. She is also about ready to marry you, has adopted a pony foal, and is willingly at peace with a race that should be her food! You just happened to be available to potentially start a war between Queen Chrysalis’s Hive,” she spat that name out. “The griffins, and Equestria. Then my Hive could come and beat down the winners; a war between the griffins and you ponies would greatly weaken both sides. Then you all would be my slaves, and Chrysalis’s Hive would be in ruins!”

Her voice echoed, like it was some great scheme.

“So what I’m hearing is… you’re racist and you want my fiancé dead?”

The enemy nodded. “Your Queen needs to die; she is weak.”

“Okay. Luna, I usually don’t request this, but would I be allowed to torture her? My laptop has a few songs that would be helpful to auditorily violate her while I use a scalpel to skin her alive. Because… I’m fucking pissed now. This cunt almost made me kill a child.”

“Well, I suppose I can allow you to do something for her. Not kill her, though. She’s going to Tartarus after you’re done.”

I maliciously turned to the Changeling Queen. “Tell me, cuntface,” yes, a creative name. “What do you know about that disney channel flow?”

“What is that?” the Queen asked.

I summoned my laptop and dragged the Queen into a closet. By the time I was done, the fucker was twitching on the floor, wide eyed, and properly traumatized. It also didn’t help that I stuck a pen in her eye, and emptied a bottle of rubbing alcohol into a wound I made with a knife. Or the gag in her mouth that tasted like I rubbed it in shit for thirty minutes.

Celestia was beginning to stir, so she got a nice, fat hug, for her nice, fat ass from me and Luna. She’ll be out of commission for a few days, and after some convincing, I think Twilight wouldn’t mind taking over for a day or two. Celly needed the rest, Twilight needed and probably wanted the responsibility, so it’d be a win-win. Oh yeah, the evil Queen fucker got chucked in Tartarus after I made her down a bottle of liquid rainbow.

I’m a horrible pony.

After I explained the situation to Chrysalis, she simply shrugged. “I knew my older sister was a bitch, but did she really have to cocoon one of my ex’s to try and murder me?”

“Wat?”

“That was my sister, Fruit.”

“And she wanted to kill you?”

“She did.”

“…The fuck?”

“I know. That one was psychotic.” Bitch, you’re telling m! That bitch tried getting me to murder a baby!

“Well, I’m gonna go tuck Cozy Glow in. And probably go to sleep too; I had to sit through terrible music with your sister. The music was so bad that it paralyzed her, Chrysalis. It’s a wonderful thing really, how somebody popular thinks they have musical talent, and then proceeds to make the worst thing in the existence of everything ever.” Chrysalis tilted her head.

“What kinda music could be that bad?”

“No Chrysssy, bad. You do not wanna listen to what your sister listened to.” Chrysalis shrugged, and I left her in our room so I could go tuck our daughter in. Cozy’s room was pretty simple; she just got it after all. Cozy was resting on a sleeping circle, with a blanket pulled halfway up, and she was reading a Daring Do book. “Hey kiddo. How was Scatter?”

“She made pudding. It was really good!” Cozy put the book down. “Can you tuck me in? My… mother and father never tucked me in.”

“…Your actual parents?” Cozy nodded.

“You’re Dad, and Chrysalis is Mom. Terms of endearment; I actually think I can actually love you two. I can tell you two care about me too. Mother and father… were monsters.”

“Well, I’m here to sing you a lullaby and tuck you in.” Cozy got all giddy and clapped her hooves. “You are grounded for being cute.” Her face fell. “Nah, being cute isn't bad. You can’t help being a cute, little, adorable filly that does cute things on accident. You just give me heartburn by being cute.” I laid down next to her in the sleeping circle. Cozy rested her head on my stomach, and I covered us with my tail and the blanket. “Comfy?” Cozy quickly nodded, her nose just poking out from under the blanket. Do I need to say it?

My daughter is the most adorable thing I’ve laid my eyes on.

“This is still a very Mom thing to do… I like it though.”

“Good, because I’ll do this as much as I can.” That sweet little smile of hers made my heart melt. “I’m impressed; you haven’t tried to manipulate me after I first found out about your manipulation prowess.” Aside from just being cute and me being a little bitch for anything cute.

“…Again, you are scarily good at seeing through it. Manipulation is my cutie mark after all.”

“No, it’s a rook. That could mean anything. You could be really good at chess, or direct and strong like a rook is in chess. Sure, it could be manipulation too, but your cutie mark doesn’t have one meaning. It is what its bearer thinks it is. Don’t be defined by your cutie mark, Cozy.”

“I… Everypony told me that my cutie mark meant one thing.”

“Well, I got a jack in the box on my butt, and that can mean many things. I could be a jackass, a jack of trades, a joker, full of surprises, anything. So far, I’m leaning towards jack of all traits; I have a good range of skills, but haven’t perfected them yet. What do you think your mark means?”

“I… don’t know anymore. Am I meant to be evil? Is that my mark?”

“Cozy, nobody is born evil. Nobody has to be evil. Who you are is defined by your actions and how others see your actions. Simply be a good pony, do good things. And if you are good at manipulating ponies, cool, get into politics and become a mayor so you can hopefully satiate your megalomania, and try to get good laws written down while you’re in office…” I nuzzled Cozy. “You’re not evil, please, for my sake, do not become evil. I’d hate to have to fight my own daughter because she wanted to burn my country to the ground.”

“I… I don’t want to make you hate me.” I nuzzled her, which shocked her.

“Nobody wants to be hated; love’s where it’s at, after all. It’s the best part of being alive… say, you want that lullaby now? It’s getting late, and cute, little fillies should be resting for a day of playing and getting her Dad to buy her more candy.”

“Promise me you won’t leave me when I fall asleep?” I nodded. “Okay…”

I ponder upon the waiting…” As I began to sing, Cozy started waving her head side to side on beat with the imaginary bears to the song I was singing. By the end of it, I was bone-dead-tired, and Cozy was snoring away like the adorable little thing she was. Today was a good day. Wake up, pillow fight my daughter, get home, find out that one of my best friends isn’t a psychopath, and then I get to give life lessons to her and cuddle with that daughter to end it all off?

Best day ever… My head dropped to the floor and I was out like a light.

“So that’s what happened while you were gone!”

“Fruit, you didn’t say anything. You just opened up with that, took a seat, and started dumping tea into a cup of sugar.” Celestia chuckled. “I like your sense of humor, but I would genuinely like to know what happened during my absence.”

“Your doppelgänger stuck me in jail for murder. It turns out I shoulda just got some self defence charges though; I only defended myself from a guy that tried to murder me.”

“And it would’ve remained as self-defence charges if you did kill that pony...”

“Then your doppelgänger tried to get me to murder a child so it would instigate a war. Then I reopened trade between Equestria, got a peace treaty with the griffins and Chrysalis’s Hive, and didn’t murder a baby in the process.”

“...How did you reopen trade? The griffins didn’t even want to hear me out when I asked to open negotiations.”

“I called the king a bitch; he liked that I had guts and heard me out.”

“...You’re lucky that he didn’t kill you on the spot.”

“Yeah. How are you feeling though? Being in a cocoon is only comfy if you willingly put yourself in it.”

“I feel a bit sleep deprived, but I am mostly fine. I don’t think that cocoon was meant to drain me. It is good to be back though; now nopony can ruin my image.”

“So you won’t make me do fucked up shit if I commit a crime?”

“Heavens no! I’d make you spend a month in jail over self defence at the most! And if you are accused of killing somepony unprovoked, I would at least hold a trial for you. I maybe old, but I do not lack sympathy, Fruit. If I made you kill somepony to cover up your dirty history, it would ruin you, and it would ruin a good friend.” I walked around the table and started using Celestia as a pillow. “Oh? You wish to get cuddly? How scandalous!”

“You’re plush; you make a good pillow.”

“...You just called me fat.” I spent the rest of the day having to ride on Celestia’s back like a foal. Oh, and then her pet Phoenix spent all day torturing(by singing horribly) me because it somehow understood that I called its owner fat on accident.

Glad Tia’s back, not a psycho, and still fun to hangout with.

Author's Note

thus, loveable, huggable celestia is back.