I woke up with a little filly cozied up, face buried in my chest, covered up in my tail. My adorable little daughter was happily sleeping in, as Chrysalis and I have yet to actually put her into a school of any kind. We didn’t know of any, and Chrysalis was doing a decent job of making sure Cozy had the basics in math, language, hoof to hoof self defense courses in case some stallions think it’s wise to take advantage of her, the normal stuff. And Chrysalis, while she did it as often as she could, didn’t have a strict school schedule for our new little daughter. And because Cozy Glow is adorable, I found myself unable to get up and start the day as there was my stupidly cute daughter using my stomach as a bed.

Oh god, she’s using one of her wings as a tiny little blanket… Bro, why? My heart is gonna be a fucking puddle by the time Cozy grows up.

A fun thing I learnt while simply doing research on when foals are legally considered adults… As soon as a foal gets a cutie mark, no matter the age, it is, for some reason, able to legally consent to shit. Like even if the poor kid is fucking five, they are legal for an adult to… talk to. Yeah no, I shut that shit down immediately. Luckily, Cozy isn’t looking for boys at the moment, or grown men, but that stupid bit about cutie marks rubs me the wrong way. Like a twelve year-old who just figured out they like playing checkers should not be allowed to say ‘yes’ when an old, creepy dude asks to join them in bed.

So I told Cozy that she, until she was at least sixteen, would not be allowed to have sex with anyone. Surprisingly, she was fully okay with that; apparently some old dudes tried to creep on her in the orphanage… What the fuck? Yeah, yeah, okay. I’m going to find Celestia and get that shit changed as soon as Cozy wakes up. Because… Why? And if Celestia says no, I will take all of the cake in Equestria, build a motherfucking spaceship, and ship all that shit off to Saturn if that exists in this magical pony universe.

Speaking of adorable little daughters, Cozy Glow woke up, and was just stretching and yawning while I simply grinned down at her. “Uh… Dad? Why-”

“You were using your wing as a blanket.”

“Yeah, is that weird?” Cozy tilted her head. “I thought it was common for pegasi to do that in their sleep.”

“It’s not weird, Cozy, I never said it was. It’s just really cute,” I nuzzled her on the forehead. ‘And you are absolutely adorable. I will have heartburn by the time you are legally considered a mare and not just a filly.” Cozy’s little smile was so bright and happy that it might’ve just given me some heartburn. “So, what do you want for breakfast? I’m sure you would love some scrambled eggs and pancakes loaded with syrup.” Cozy tilted her head.

“You can cook?”

“Remember that ‘cheezy, saucy disk’?” Cozy nodded. “I came up with that recipe, well, my grandpa did. I learned the recipe and brought it into Equestria…” Did I ever tell Cozy about what I am? Probably not. “I should probably tell you now, so you don’t find out later in the future…” I put a hoof to my chest. “I’m not a pony.” Cozy Glow gave me a ‘are you fucking stupid’ look. “I swear, I’m not a pony. I may look at it, and I have the body of a pony, but mentally,” I tapped my head. “I’m not a pony. If I were actually a pony, I probably wouldn’t have adopted you.”

“Why… is that?”

“Because ponies are more likely to just shove problems aside than actually deal with them. Luna became Nightmare Moon because she had a lot of deep-seated mental issues and possibly depression. What does Celestia do? Ignore it. If you were never adopted, you’d probably end up doing something fucked up, and nobody would question you for being anti-social or anything. Then when you do that fucked up thing, bam, straight to Tartarus without even trying to help you with whatever drove you to do the bad thing to begin with. I love ponies, they’re great, but they’re racist and metaphorically and literally run from their problems rather than actually solve them. That. That is why you were dealt such an awful deck of cards before I adopted you.”

“...Huh… What were you before you were a pony?” I chuckled and nuzzled her. “Dad? Please, pretty please tell me?”

“I was once human.” Of course, that led into the conversation as to what humans were.

I ended up telling Cozy the basic outline of human history, from the stone age up to modern day, about what I did as a human, all that fun stuff. Cozy drank in all of what I said with childlike wonder, even the heinously fucked up shit like the towers falling or the mass genocide of six million people. I think that’s more chalked up to Cozy just being interested in the topic I was teaching her rather than her being a psycho; she asked for a reason, after all. When I was done, Cozy simply yawned.

“So you, somepony that stared King Sombra in the face without flinching, was somebody who used to make sandwiches for other ‘people’?” I nodded. “You have to be the coolest, lamest dad of all time. You’re a national hero, to the point that even I heard of you while I was in that orphanage. And… you worked in fast food.” I chuckled.

“When you put it like that, yeah, I’m pretty lame. I could take down three fully trained guards through sheer martial might, but I was working in a Hayburgers when I was learning how to kill people.” I sighed. “I need to find another job at some point; can’t be a good example to you if I’m lazing about like a lazy-bum.” Cozy slapped me with a wing. “What?”

“Dad, you’re depressed.” Oh. “Mom talks about it, Auntie Scatter talks about it, even I can see it. You don’t feel like you have a purpose so you bury yourself with work in order to not worry about it. You talk about ponies and how they run from their problems, or ignore them. Yet you’re here, in front of me, ignoring your depression and trying to distract yourself from them. Dad, I know how to manipulate ponies, you know that, and because of that, I know how to read them like those silly little books you read me. And while Mom doesn’t know how to help you, I don’t either, but I know you’ve got some knowledge in helping yourself. You’ve been helping me with my problems and raising me the ‘right way’. I don’t want to see my Dad being depressed; you made me happy, so I want to see you happy.” Jesus christ.

“You… Are fully right. It’s just… I dunno. My problems seem minute, unimportant compared to everyone else. Chrysalis is running a Hive and constantly making sure it’s running while also keeping up with political meetings. Luna’s been, and still is, struggling to properly fit into modern day Equestria, Twilight’s adjusting to being a Princess. Celestia literally got fucking kidnapped and basically tortured for almost two months. You, you got fucked over in society to the point that you’re almost a sociopath. What do I have going on with me? Oh, I don’t know what the fuck to do with myself? I’m a little sad? My problems are minor, Cozy, I’m putting everyone else’s problems above my own.”

“Dad, you constantly use the phrase ‘even the smallest violins need an audience’. Start taking your own advice before I make you. And I will do it by being cute and begging you to. I will even listen to you if you want to vent to me, Mom would love it if you opened up to her about this. I know Princess Celestia has offered you her ear, and so did Princess Luna. You have ponies that are willing to listen to your problems, but all you do is bury them in work.” Cozy closed her eyes and reopened them with puppy eyes, and she was crying. Like those tears were genuine. “I know you want to make sure I’m happy, but please, please take care of yourself.

“It-it hurts, Dad. it hurts to see you hurting. I-I l-love you, everypony who knows you, loves you. Whenever I-’ sleep with Mom, sh-she talks about how she can feel your emotions and how they make her weep. I’ve been cuddling up with you every night because it apparently helps you… I-I d-don’t want to see you suffer, nopony does. As you said it, nopony deserves to suffer alone, and ye-yet you make yourself s-suffer alone.” I nuzzled Cozy. “Dad, just promise me, you’ll use your tricks that help me feel better about yourself, or talk to somepony. Not just promise me, Pinkie Promise me you will go to Princess Celestia after breakfast and just talk to her. Tell her your problems.”

Her stutters matched every sob as she spoke. Cozy was being genuine.

“Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye. Once we get breakfast, I will go talk to Celestia. She’s been hoping to do some catching up anyways… You planned that, didn't you?”

“A-a little. I know you missed properly talking to Princess Celestia after she went ‘sicko’ and made you do horrible things. Now… Now that the real princess is back, you probably want to talk to her. She’s just the only pony I know is probably free; it’s time for her breakfast anyways.” I nodded.

“You know, we could go have breakfast with Celestia, and while we’re chatting, you can spend some time with Luna. I know she would love to spend some time with a cute, little filly like yourself.”

“That… would be nice.”

So after meeting up with Celestia, I dropped Cozy Glow off on Luna, who was all too happy to be a babysitter for the day after downing a cup, or six, of coffee. Then we quickly moved into a sitting room so that we could talk. “So Fruit, what did you wish to talk about? Often when we chat, it’s about something I’m interested in, and not the other way around. So I was quite excited and more than willing to free an hour or two out of my day to speak with you.” Celestia poured herself a cup of tea. “Care for some tea?”

“I don’t like leaf soup, remember?”

“I… am going to break your neck if you do not call tea what it actually is.”

“But it’s leaf soup!” Celestia simply shook her head.

“You are very lucky that I like you, Fruit.” Celestia giggled. “So, back to the topic at hoof?”

“Uh… Cozy Glow told me to tell you about any problems I have. I know you aren’t a therapist, and I probably shouldn’t dump all my problems on you, especially when you’ve got your own, more severe ones, but I Pinkie Promised, whatever that means. And even if it weren’t a Pinkie Promise, I would tell you anyways; I like to be held to my word. So… would be willing to-” I was suddenly laying down on a big, Princess-sized cushion, under Celestia’s wing, being groomed by her. “Uh Celestia? This is a bit too cuddly-”

“Oh, be quiet. I was hoping you would open up eventually. I am pretty old, Fruit. While you are just an outright expert in reading body language and psychology, I have had enough time to understand and learn how to read ponies like children’s books. I can tell you aren’t truly happy despite you having everything you could want. A lovely child, a beautiful marefriend that you’re going to marry in a few months, you had a stable job, and now you don’t even need to work a day in your life thanks to your marefriend. Despite everything, you are still unhappy. If somepony was in your position, they would be incredibly happy and feel as though their life had been fulfilled.”

“That’s the thing, I have everything I could possibly want, with next to no struggle. I have friends like you, who are more than capable of making sure I would never struggle. Sure, I’m having a lot of fun, and feeling some form of fulfillment from raising a filly, but I’m just… I don’t feel like I earned anything. I got to where I am by being a lucky sack of shit, not by working my ass off to achieve and obtain my position. I… I want something more out of life. I want to do something that actually matters. Helping somebody like Cozy makes me feel that, but I want to leave this world in a better condition than when I’ve left it. And I don’t think I’m doing much to do that.”

“In other words; you don’t know what you want to do.” I nodded. “Usually a pony would follow their cutie mark… but your cutie mark doesn’t say a whole lot about what you want to be. You are a doer of all, master of none, if your interpretation of your mark is anything to go by. On top of that, you aren’t mentally a pony, so you probably wouldn’t want to follow your cutie mark… I do not know how to help you with your self actualisation, but I can tell you this: Don’t worry about it for now.”

“Celestia, I am human, we humans love ambition. We want a goal, and we will work towards that goal no matter what. We want to put purpose into our life no matter what it is. To spread the word of god, to make technological advancements, explore what has never been done before. I want a reason to exist. I was put onto Equus for a reason, even if the reason makes no sense, or how my entrance makes no sense. I want to know what that reason is. I…” I sighed. “It sucks, you know? Not knowing what to do with yourself… It makes life boring. That’s why I drowned myself in work; I wanted to distract myself from how empty my life feels despite what I have.”

“You are still thankful for what you have, correct?”

“Of course I am. My marefriend is sweet, loveable, and sexy as fuck. I have a daughter that I would give my life for, and I don’t need to work if I choose not to. But… I miss my job at Hayburgers. Even if it wasn’t a lot, helping ponies just feel a little better by making them the cheap, trashy food they like made me feel like I was doing something. On top of that, it was one of the few things I outright excelled in. I know how to fight, so I can defend those I care about. I… I am happy with how my life’s going, but I want something more out of it.”

“I could try sending you on missions with the Elements of Harmony.” I tilted my head.

“Why though? I doubt those six need to defend themselves; you put them through basic hoof to hoof combat training classes.”

“You can outright beat any of them in a raw fight, Fruit. Trust me, I have had the time to pick up and calculate how skilled a pony is in a fight. You, despite the magical discrepancy, can beat Twilight if you play your cards right. Fluttershy wouldn’t even want to fight, and would likely surrender immediately. You are agile enough to outmaneuver Apple Jack, and good enough with countering to fight Rainbow Dash’s speed. And you and Rarity are on par with each other with magic, even if your skills are in different areas of magic, which would leave you two at a physical bout at the end of the day. I’ve looked at the medical records of the pony you ‘murdered’. You shattered his jaw in one strike. Rarity is tough, but unless it’s Shining Armor, it would be rather hard for a unicorn to take any punches you want to throw.”

“And the others?”

“You are a good fighter, Fruit. And the ones I didn’t mention wouldn’t be quick to fight anyways. And the only two who are quick to fight are Apple Jack and Rainbow. You would be given something to do, and you can keep some of the most important ponies in Equestria safe. And I know you will do a good job, but do try to keep your rather… violent methods to a minimum. I know you won’t try to kill anypony, but Twilight and her friends, especially Twilight, prefer more peaceful solutions. For instance, in a few weeks, Twilight and all of her friends are going to Rainbow Falls. There’s an event called the ‘Rainbow Falls Traders’ Exchange’. All you will have to do is stand guard for Twilight Sparkle, as she will be going in my stead. You don’t have to stand next to her; this is mostly just to get you out of Canterlot. You may even be able to trade for something you’d want. You are a bit of a national hero, after all.”

“Huh?”

“You more or less, are a national hero, Fruit. You beat King Sombra even if you meant to or not. That alone makes you a national hero in my little pony’s eyes. You just never noticed because… Well, Canterlot’s nobles are quite stuffy, and you aren’t ‘rich’, so ‘you don’t matter’.” Huh. “I’m also certain you have a few things you would be willing to trade.” I reached into my butt pocket, something everyone has apparently. “I have some coins from the human world. I could trade those off as some rare treasure, and I wouldn’t be wrong.”

“You wouldn’t, and somepony would like to have currency from another world. Especially that bronze one you’re holding,” I cocked my head. “Equestria has a lot of gold, but not a lot of bronze. It’s why our bits are made of gold; there’s a surplus of it and we have no use for it.” I cocked my head to the side. “In other words, those bronze coins you are holding are worth hundreds, if not thousands, of bits due to them using so much copper.”

“Celestia, that is really funny.” I chuckled. “These are pennies; they are worth next to nothing. We humans have so much bronze that we use it for pennies. We have so much silver that we use it for our other coinage. We also use paper for money as it’s easier to carry- hey that’s a human, trademarked idea, don’t steal it.”

“But it would make things so much easier…” Celestia hummed. “So these bronze coins are really common in your world?” I nodded. “No wonder you have a hoof full of them. You could easily get whatever you want at the trade exchange with those.” Huh. “So, about my offer?”

“On the less dangerous missions, can I bring Cozy Glow? I wanna spend as much time with her as possible, and I don’t want Chrysalis to neglect her duties.”

“I would say yes, but this one time, leave Cozy Glow with Chrysalis. Those two could use some mother and daughter time together, and this would be a wonderful opportunity.” I nodded. “So you’ll take my offer?”

“Well, yeah. It’ll give me something to do at least, and it’ll feel nice when I take a magical spell for Twilight or her friends while they do that floaty-prepare-to-make-our-enemies-taste-the-rainbow bit. Though… Rainbow Dash is rainbow colored, so she could probably do that whole bit herself.” Celestia tilted her head. “Skittles are a type of candy from my world. They come in a bunch of different colors and the tagline’s ‘taste the rainbow’. Fuck, I shoulda got a stockpile of those when I was on Earth, but I was kinda pissed a the time. Now I want Skittles.”

“There is always next time, in two years.”

“Yeah. you’d like them; your mane’s the same color as Skittles.”

“That is a dumb reason to like candy.”

“It’s also just flavored sugar; you’ll love them.”

“You are correct.” We chuckled. “Are you feeling a little better now?”

“It… Yeah, it felt… Good to get that feeling of worthlessness off my chest. And now I get to use some of my skills and put them to use!” I hugged Celestia. “Legit, if I were not already Chrysalis’s fiance, I would not mind dating you. You’re hot as fuck, literally, and super cool to hangout with.” Celestia was blushing. “What? Does the pretty princess get flustered when called attractive?”

“It… It is more flattering to be called ‘sexy’ from a close friend than your thousands of adoring subjects, Fruit. Thank you.”

“No prob. Go hit up Cadance; she’ll find somebody that’ll sweep you off your hooves. You deserve to be loved, after all.”

“I… I will consider it next time Cadance is in Canterlot. For now,” Celestia opened up a weird-mirror thing. On the other side, Cozy Glow had her forelegs crossed, frowning, and wearing an adorable little sweater that Luna had knitted herself. I guess that mirror thing is actually a window. “Go save your daughter. Luna is having a little too much fun.” Cozy started giggling when Luna started to lightly tickle her.

“Nah, I’ll just go on a stroll throughout the castle. Wanna join me? Cozy’s having a good time.”

“I suppose I could use one day off.” With that, we got up to go for that leisurely stroll around the castle.

Author's Note

Now Fruit can witness how fucking stupid Rainbow Dash is in Trade Ya!