Not So Funny Story

Twilight and her friends were way, way too happy to see me. That is all I’ll say. “I’m so glad you’re going to be our body guard now! Oh! I cannot wait to throw a party for you and get you to meet Berry Punch! She’s a bit of a drinker, but I’m sure you two would get along! Oh you two will be the perfect couple and then I can throw a party for your pre-wedding, a party for your wedding, and… Oh so many parties!” Mostly Pinkie, like jesus fuck, this woman does not breath through her mouth or her nose. There is no fucking way because she’s been at it for the last five minutes without taking a moment to breathe.

“So… The trade exchange or whatever?” I asked. “Because of all the exciting and dangerous missions you six go on, it had to be at what is essentially a trading convention.” As Celestia said, she just wanted me to get out of Canterlot. But I don’t have to tell these six that, do I?

“Celestia did say you would mostly, and loosely, be guarding me. You didn’t bring any weapons, did you?” I shook my head. “Good. I don’t think we’ll need them, and…”

“You know, you’re a Princess now, and technically my boss. You could order me to not carry anything lethal; just the dart gun and some elephant tranquilizer. That won’t kill anyone… though it did knock that one changeling queen out for a week, so maybe tone it down to horse tranquilizer.” I hummed. “Hell, you could tell me to fuck off and I’d have to do it; you six are my bosses now since I’m your body guard… now.”

I sat down in my seat.

“I don’t know if I can fully trust you, you did threaten to beat the snot out of me to defend a criminal,” Rainbow was currently giving me the stink eye. I wasn’t looking at her, but I could tell she was.

“Sunset isn’t a threat, not anymore at least. Last I heard of her, she was happily heading off to Rainbow Falls from Manehattan just to peruse the trading booths. Honestly, Sunny’s more adorable than dangerous. Sure, she may be the most gifted unicorn aside from Twilight to ever exist, and is fully capable of burning your insides, but she wouldn’t want to do that. She wouldn’t do that to me at least; we’re pretty good friends if I do say so myself. It also didn’t help that you immediately tried to punch her in the jaw while going at the speed of sound, Rainbow. That can kill somebody, especially a unicorn who doesn’t have the strongest bone structure.”

“I… I almost killed her?”

“If Sunset didn’t throw that shield up, you woulda killed her. Like if my weakass hits can break somebody’s jaw, you, who is stronger than I am, hitting somebody at that speed? Yeah, you’ll kill somebody by doing that. You also decided to yell at and harass Sunset, who was very clearly upset and scared, for no reason afterwards. She wants to repent for her crimes, and I say she did by being kept in jail for a bit. Because in the end, all she did was steal a crown, nothing else. That is not punishable by death or verbal harassment, Rainbow. Leave the Law to those who actually know it.”

“She’s still-”

“Do I need to have this conversation again? I’m your bodyguard now, deal with it.”

“Fine…”

“Bitch.” Rainbow’s eye twitched. And at that moment, the train’s door opened up and Sunset Shimmer strolled in.

“Fruti! I knew I saw you walk onto the train!” Sunny then chose that time to scamper up to me, hop up into my booth, and hug me. “I haven’t seen you in weeks!” I chuckled and let her nuzzle into my cheek. “I…” She slowly turned to the other six mares in the train car. “Hey girls,” I saw her eyes wander up and down Twilight’s body. D’aw, somebody’s got a crush. “Hey Twilight,” you know, with how Twilight immediately draped a wing over Sunset the moment Sunny went to hug her… I just started chuckling behind a hoof.

“What, Fruit?” Twilight did this head tilt that everything pony-shape seems to do, and it’s really cute. Especially Twilight’s because her ears tend to flop a tiny bit. That’s definitely from either a calcium deficiency, or some divine being decided to just make Twilight look cute for the fuck of it.

“Twilight, wing hugs are very intimate for pegasi. Guess what you’re doing with Sunset.” Twilight looked down at Sunset Glimmer before shrugging, not removing the wing she had draped over the former villain. “Something tells me you two would be getting a lot more cuddly if you had a private train, Twi,” now both alicorn and unicorn were blushing slightly. I continued to chuckle while Rarity made a remark on how cute of a couple those two nerds would be. Most of the ponies on the car agreed with that remark.

Except Rainbow, I wonder why.

Sometime later on the train ride, Rainbow decided to sit in my booth, since Sunset was busy snoozing away with a certain purple alicorn, both of whom were drooling, and using the other as a pillow. Most of the Elements were napping, or talking to another element about what they hope to obtain at the Great Trade Exchange. I was busy having the misfortune of hearing Rainbow bragging about how she won’t need a bodyguard.

“I bet I could beat you in a fight!” Rainbow was now imitating a boxer. “I mean, you gave up during the Iron Pony competition for a reason.”

“Because Spike was gonna get tossed around like a ragdoll? Even if Spike says he can take it, I don’t feel comfortable with tossing around a literal baby. But… go ahead and punch me in the shoulder, and I’ll punch you in the shoulder.” Rainbow did that, it was quick, and it stung, and it wasn’t fun to get punched in the shoulder. I hummed and rolled the shoulder a couple of times. “Yeah, you hit hard, wanna see how hard I can hit?” The Dash gave me a smug little smile, and nodded. I drew my hoof back and got ready to sock her.

The amount of screaming Rainbow produced was priceless.

“What?” Everyone was staring at me. “She said it was okay!”

“So Rainbow bit a bit more than she could chew?” AJ asked.

“Yup. Oh shut up Rainbow, stop being a whiny bitch.” I chuckled. “So, AJ, you got any complaints about me being a bodyguard? I know that you’re probably the best fighter out of your friends purely because of how fucking strong you are.” AJ shook her head.

“Ah know my limits, Fruit. Ah also know you have more technical skill, because of your origins, is less likely to freeze up. Ah may not need a guard, but it would be nice to have somepony to help defend my friends when we have to fight our way through a crowd.” AJ chuckled while pointing at Rainbow. “And if anypony, especially a unicorn, can make Rainbow Dash do that, then Ah trust you as a bodyguard.” I nodded.

“Glad that somebody will be appreciating my services…” I smirked. “Especially when that somebody is pretty… Nah, not gonna make that joke. I think Chrysalis is watching me right now, and she will slap me if I call another mare hot.” Chrysalis then appeared for a moment through a window through time and space, glared at me, and then did the ‘I’m watching you’ gesture before going back to blowing raspberries into Cozy Glow’s belly.

When we got off the train, Twilight was immediately recognized by everyone around us, and decided to run ahead while covering her face with her wings. You know, it’s been a hot fucking minute since she became a Princess, you think you’d be used to it by now. But given how Twilight is also pretty bad at being social, her near lack of social interaction until she moved to Ponyville, and y’know, being a Princess immediately puts you on the highest pedestal possible. Yeah, okay, I fully get why being a Princess would still get Twilight flustered up.

Everyone went and split up to go trade and whatever. Twilight was a little busy with setting up her own stand, which was just a bunch of books from Sunbutt. “You know Fruit, I don’t think I’ll need you. I’m sure you’ll find something you want, so go enjoy yourself,” Twilight didn’t even take her eyes off the stand she was setting up. “Do… you even have anything to trade?” She turned to me. “At all? I’m sure by now that you’d have something you value by now.”

“Uh…” Damn. “Nope. I never really went shopping, never went out much unless I had work. I don’t have much of anything to my name.” I pulled out the pennies I have on me. “I have these which are apparently very high in value because of how rare bronze is, apparently, but other than my weapons? Nah. I never cared much for fashion, so I only have one suit, never bought any hats, nothing. Nothing that I could truly call mine…” I hummed. “Man, I lived a really shitty life until now.”

“Well, with those bronze coins, you can easily get whatever you want; bronze is very valuable. On top of that, that is currency from the mirror world, right?” I nodded. “Then that’s worth even more than just those coins being pieces of bronze. Go get yourself something you’d think you’d like to have.” I nodded.

With that, I started wandering around the area. Everything was going nice and smooth, I even found a few things that were kinda cool looking. One was a necklace with Celestia’s cutie mark as the pendant, a nice pocket watch, and even a bracelet or two. I tried to trade two pennies in for the necklace, and left with the necklace and left somepony with dollar marks in their eyes.

I ended up wearing that purely because it looked really cool. I managed to get a necklace for Chrysalis along with it, which was a simple, silver chain(silver wasn’t the most common thing in Equestria), with the Equestrian crest on it. I even traded a dollar for a nice teddy wolf. Needless to say, I was actually enjoying myself, and had something for my marefriend and foal. I happily kept parading around, looking for anything else I could possibly trade for.

At some point, I found Rainbow Dash at some booth that had a special edition, first print of the first Daring Do book. It looked pretty fancy, and it looked like Dash was about to… trade a two headed dog off for it. That’s cool, I guess. The lady running the booth had a nice, crystal ball that mostly just looked cool. I stopped and looked over the book Rainbow was trading for.

Yeah, that’s a rare copy of Daring Do. Dunno if it’s worth trading a two headed dog for. Now, I was gonna ignore Rainbow, but… “Rainbow,” the cyan pegasus stopped. “Did you just trade Fluttershy and a two headed dog off for a fucking book?” Rainbow nodded. “Rainbow Dash, you just sold your friend off.” She nodded again. “For a book.” I hit my head on the booth. “Rainbow, you are hella fucking stupid.”

I walked over to the two headed dog. “Heel boy!” The dog trotted over and sat at my heels. “So like, you don’t need Fluttershy to train this thing.”

“Well, you aren’t a part of this trade, are you?”

“I’m not…” I hummed. “But selling a person would basically pass as slavery. I wonder how legal that is.” I turned to Rainbow. “Go get Twilight and get this trade annulled. Your stupidass book ain’t worth Fluttershy.” I turned to the two headed dog that was sniffing my ass. “Stop that!” In an instant, the dog stopped and sat down. It looked a tiny bit guilty.” Luckily, Rainbow had enough of a brain to follow my order and went to get Twilight.

Rainbow, I genuinely wonder if your mane is rainbow colored because she ate crayons when she was four.

“Say…” The bitch who, now, legally owns Fluttershy spoke up. “I would trade this lady for you; you’re doing a good job of training it.” I blinked a couple times.

“...This thing is literally just a dog with two heads. It’s not that hard.” I sighed. “And no, I’m not trading myself in for a trade that’s gonna get canceled. Deadass, this whole situation is bumfuck retarded.” I snorted.

“How did you train the orthros so easily?” The same bitch asked.

“By not being a fucking pussy, is how. It’s literally a dog. Just grow a pair, or stop being a cunt, and all you gotta do is show some authority to it. Be a bit more forceful with your- aight fuck it, this advice won’t matter soon anyways. Go shove your head further up your ass or something, I don’t fucking care. Where the god, damn, motherfucking, purple bitch with wings and a horn at?”

five minutes later

Luckily, the trade did get annulled, and I managed to go home keeping everything I traded for. Because I used my brain and traded for shit I actually wanted for. Well, we had to sit through the train ride back home. Sunset joined us again shortly after the bullshit Rainbow put me through, having been happy to just explore the trading area, looking at all the stuff she might’ve wanted, but had nothing to trade for.

Nobody got to trade for anything they wanted except for Spike. “So, Rainbow, did you like to eat crayons when you were a little filly?” I asked.

“No… Why?”

“I was just curious; you don’t think before you do shit. You almost traded off your best friend for a fuckin’ book.”

“Hey! I learnt my lesson!”

“A lesson that never… Fuck it. You learnt and grew as a person!” I facehoofed. “I swear to fucking god if this is how the rest of my life is gonna go, at least I’ll be entertained.”

“Who’s God?” Twilight asked.

“He’s dead to me.”

“But who’s God?”

“I dunno.”

Twilight sighed, before handing Rainbow an old, paperback copy of the same Daring Do book she nearly traded Fluttershy away for.

So me and Sunset ended up in the same booth, alone. Now this could end up with me and Sunset doing some naughty stuff together, or I could tell her the news about Celestia. I think I’ll tell Sunset about Celestia instead. Besides, I think Chrysalis would gut me if I tried to do anything with another mare, and fairly so. “So Sunset, you know how Princess Celestia is borderline insane?” Sunset nodded.

“Yeah, she mindwiped her niece at one point, right?”

“Yeah. it was pretty fucked up. You know what’s even more fucked up?” Sunset tilted her head. “What is with Celestia choosing mares that give the most adorable little head tilts?” I chuckled. “But anyways, it turns out some changeling bitch kidnapped and impersonated Celestia. Chrysalis set up a trap that only works on changelings, it trapped the changeling bitch, and we found Celestia stuffed into a cocoon, and she came out fairly sleep deprived.” Sunny tilted her head again. “Anyways, long story short, Celestia is not mentally insane, and is actually still pretty sweet.”

“As in?”

“I went to her and had an improv therapy session; it’s how I am now guarding these dumbasses,” I pointed a hoof at Rainbow Dash, who was sleeping in the pile of people who would be main characters in a kid’s cartoon. “She figured I could use something to do, and following these guys around could help me with finding something I should be in life. And… we had that therapy session while she was basically treating me like her child, keeping me tucked under a wing while I told her about my problems.”

“...That sounds like the Celestia I know; she used to do that with me when I was a filly and we would have late night studying sessions, Celestia would more or less treat me like I was her foal. It was… quite nice, all things told. Especially since my actual parents didn’t really care for me; Celestia really was the only mother I properly knew.” Sunset sighed. I raised an eyebrow and nuzzled her. “Fruit, if-”

“I can just get you and Celestia hanging out again. She’s like your Mom, right?” Sunset nodded. “Yeah, okay. I’m gonna get you hooked up; stay on the train until we get to Canterlot. By the end of the day, you and Celestia will be reading a book together by the fireplace like old times.”

“You… Are you certain that Celestia is back to normal? That she was never insane?”

“Nope. But after she was freed, she straight up told me what my punishment would have been for killing somebody in self defense. Hell, she’s been friendlier than she was when the changeling queen was impersonating her. Celestia’s been… actually considerate of my feelings and emotions. So I can at least assume that Celestia isn’t actually a sociopath, and I can actually read her now; I could not do that with that changeling queen. Like Celestia’s good, but reading her body language isn’t that hard… Hey Spike, you awake?” Spike looked up from his comic book. “Can you send a letter to Celestia that basically goes ‘yo, Sunset wants to read a Daring Do book with you by the fireplace because she misses you’?” Spike nodded, pulled out paper, and quickly wrote that down.

“And done!” The scroll was lit on fire, and the smoke zipped off towards what I assume was Canterlot.

“Uh…” Sunset smiled slightly. “Well, it would be nice to read something stupid with my favorite teacher. I just hope she’ll forgive me for what I’ve done.”

“She probably would forgive you; you are basically her foal. Also, Celestia is insanely forgiving. Nothing shy of literally ripping her heart out will stop her from forgiving somebody.” I chuckled. “I’m gonna go ahead and take a nap. Rainbow broke my brain today.”

“What… Did she do this time?”

“Nearly sold Fluttershy away.” Sunset blinked. “For a special print of Daring Do.”

Sunset started laughing her ass off much to a sleepy Rainbow Dash’s confusion.