So, the Equestrian Games, towns and cities from all over the country meet up in a chosen location to kick each other’s ass in a blood battle for dominance. And this year, the changeling hive would be competing… We’ll skin everyone alive. Men, women, not the children though. That’s fucked up. But nah, all of that was a dirty little lie, because I’m a dirty little liar. No, the Equestrian Games were like a more yearly version of the Olympics. Changelings, despite being allies of Equestria, weren’t allowed to compete for some reason. Which is actually bullshit since Chrysalis and I had to make an appearance anyways to support our more mammalian allies.

And because the Elements were going, with Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy actually attending, I couldn’t even be in the same traincar as Chrysalis. She had to go with Celestia and Luna, while I had to ride with the Ponyville team. Everyone was busy practicing, training, whatever. Rainbow was giving everyone a pep-talk before downplaying how she and the other pegasi will do against a literal, trained flight team of pegasi from Cloudsdale. Of course, for some fucking reason, I had invites to compete from Canterlot and even Ponyville.

Why? I dunno. I get the invites from Canterlot; I was apparently semi-well known in that snobbish hellhole. As for Ponyville’s invite? Yeah, no fucking clue. I don’t even think I an legally a citizen of Ponyville.

“So Fruit, you actually wanna compete with us?” Rainbow poked me in the chest. “I know-”

“Don't the games literally disable magic of unicorns? I don’t think I can compete very well without augmenting myself with spells. Sure, I can spar with an earth pony without magic for some amount of time, but I sure as hell ain’t outracing one. I’m here as your friends’ guard, not to compete.” I sighed. “Least Cozy Glow chose to travel with me,” the filly in question was currently sleeping on my back, looking completely adorable and snuggleable. “Why the fuck did I even get an invite to compete for Ponyville? Like what kinda logic-”

“I… May or may not have gotten somepony to get you citizenship into Ponyville, and everypony knows how tough you are for a unicorn.” I blinked a couple of times. How… “I may have also forged a couple signatures, including yours.” I sighed and looked over at my daughter.

“If my daughter didn’t need a good role model, I would firstly slap you in the face, and then go get drunk.” I facehoofed. “So you managed to work your way through a bunch of legal hoops, and forge my signature… Just to get me to compete in the Equestrian games?” But you fucking thought committing pony trafficking was a good idea. And didn’t think that you were trafficking your fucking best friend?

“Yeah. Is that bad?” You know, considering this woman tried to sell her friend off for a book, I’m not surprised. “Fruit?”

“Hey Dad, what’s-” Cozy yawned.”-going on?”

“Daddy’s trying not to be a bad influence on you; don’t visit Ponyville, dear. The ladies there are crazy.”

“So are you.”

“...This lady here,” I booped Rainbow on the nose. “Tried to sell her friend a book.”

Cozy blinked a couple of times. “But didn’t you tell me that a good friend is worth more than all the money in the world?”

“I did.” Cozy slowly turned to Rainbow, who was just looking confused.

“You’re a dumb nutjob, Rainbow Dash.” Rainbow blinked a couple more times. “It’s a saying from Dad’s old universe. It mean’s you’re bucking crazy… And stupid.” Rainbow started stammering to defend herself. Cozy just giggled and Rainbow’s display, and then she started trying to get away from me the very moment I started blowing raspberries into her neck. “Dad! I will- s-stop! That tickles!” Cozy’s laughing could heal cancer, I swear to god, it’s so cute. When I stopped, Cozy was wheezing, laying her head on my shoulder, while my tail covered her up. It was then that the two of us chose to take a nap. I curled around my little girl, and held her close.

When we got to the Crystal Empire, I hummed, now that it wasn’t being ruled by Pony Hitler, it looked kinda nice. I then remembered that last time I was here, I went to another dimension and shot somebody with elephant tranquilliser. Like it was sparkly, the ponies were made of shining rocks, and those ponies were actually happy and not borderline depressed. It’s… pretty cool I guess. Canterlot looks grander, but the Crystal Empire is neat. Not really, I don’t like how far north this fucking place is, because it’s only a measily near the north god damn pole! On the brightside, the Crystal Heart keeps the place warm, so moving here wouldn’t be too bad. I would rather build a cabin out in the middle of nowhere and simply relax, but Chryssy has a Hive to rule.

Spike got swiped by a couple of guards for some reason.

Lucky me, I have to sit by Twilight Sparkle during the event. At least I’ll be close to Chrysalis, which means we can at least cuddle while we watch athletes beat the shit out of each other. For now though, I had to make sure the Elements got to their hotel room, and then to the stadium. Wait no, for some fucking reason, some crystal guards came over and started kidnapping me too; probably because I am public enemy number one. Within a few moments, I was laying on the ground, dazed, and wondering if pineapple on pizza was a sin or not. “Hello Fruit!” Oh, that’s Twilight. Forgot she left before everyone else did to do the Princess Stuff.

Somehow Cozy remained on my back, and was still fast asleep. How? Imagination!

So it turns out, Spike is a national hero, and he gets to light the torch that starts the Equestrian games. “You know,” I groaned. “I get why you need Spike, but why am I here? Am I to act as his steed or something?” Spike got to lay on a couch and eat gems like they were grapes. How the fuck he did that without slicing some internal organ that’s incredibly vital to him being alive was beyond me. I, on the other hoof, got to sit on my arse, next to Cadance and Twilight. “And where the hell is my fiance? Like I don’t really give a shit about the Equestrian games; I’m just here because I have to, and my Chryssy is supposed to watch over them games with the rest of you Princesses.”

“Well, Fruit, you were our second option for lighting the torch if Spike said no. It would also be easier for you to guard Twilight if you were brought to where she was the whole time,” Cadence hummed. “And for Chrysalis, she’s already in the stadium. Though I must ask, I know you’re not even a pony, but would it kill you to partake in the games? Or even take a chance to care about them? You’d do excellently in them, and it would make Chrysalis happy; she apparently likes watching your flanks as you kick stuff.”

“...You guys really want me in the games when I have done zero training?”

“Yup!”

“Can I see Chrysalis before the games?”

“Nope!” Fuck you too, Cadance. “So, will you compete in the Equestrian Games? I bet your daughter would love to see her dad compete in a national sport!” We all turned to my daughter, who was busying herself with a coloring book. Given how she’s about twelve years old, the fact that she wanted to do that was completely adorable. However, once her name was said, she looked up before shrugging.

“It would be nice, and if Dad wins, he gets a cool medal, and I get to brag about having a Dad who’s a national athlete.” I blinked a couple of times. Cozy turned to me. “Would you, pretty please?” And incomes the puppy eyes. I sighed, hating the fact that my daughter can simply be cute and get me to do whatever the fuck she wants. And she knows that. She knows my weakness is her adorable little face.

“If I win a medal, you’re letting Chrysalis’s Hive compete next year; the fact that y’all excluded our Hive was bullshit. Then I’ll compete for the Hive from then on out… I guess I’ll compete for Ponyville this year.”

“Sounds fair to me.”

So it turns out that there weren’t even other unicorns competing in this shit; they aren’t physically strong or tough. Just earth ponies and pegasi. I was given some shit that made my magic not work, and I was standing with Ponyville on the field. There were approximately seven different games for the whole event, and the first one was a wrestling contest. Now, because everyone hates me, I was Ponyville’s representation for this, and three other games. Track, disc throwing, and volleyball. Because some horses have wings, the track had two parts, one for winged ponies, and one for non-winged unicorns. Each one could get you a medal of gold, silver, or bronze depending on the place you got. Surprisingly, gold was the worst medal you could get, but with how gold was basically worthless, that made sense.

Bronze was the best medal you could get. Silver was second best.

So I walked up to the little circle for wrestling, it was a tournament style that would last the whole day. At the end of every round, every contestant is rejuvenated with magical pills. Also if you lose, you’re placed into a loser’s bracket. I sighed, I was in the first fucking round. I glanced up into the stands, choosing not to focus on my opponent. Chrysalis and Cozy were sitting together waving, Chrysalis managed to somehow get ahold of a cheerleading outfit despite her sitting next to the Princesses.

Oh, that’s my opponent, just a brown an earth pony that’s twice the size of me. I hate being a midget. “Just to ensure there is no foul play,” the referee walked over and placed a ring on my horn. “You will be wearing this ring, Fruit Punch. Good luck. You’ve got quite the crowd cheering for you, particularly, the unicorns.” Oh cool, no pressure at all. The ref walked back to where he was supposed to stand. “First pony to pin the other down, or to be tossed out of the ring loses. Nopony is allowed to bite or seriously maim their opponent, am I clear?”

“Yup!” me and my opponent said that at the same time. Okay, so on one hand, this guy is fucking huge. On the other hand, Pharynx could probably kick this guy’s ass seven ways to sunday. And I can contend with Pharynx. So clearly that works out, right? Haha, no. Once we were told the match started, my brain broke, and I was entirely relying on muscle memory. My opponent and I started circling each other, surprisingly my opponent made no feints or anything. Hmmm, so he’s a prey animal at heart. I’m not though...

I made a faux lunge, and the stallion jumped and got ready to counter, only to be surprised when I didn’t advance any further. Yeah, okay. I see. This guy’s easy to trigger. I lunged again, but once again, I didn’t actually run in. Again, my opponent jumped and was ready to counter. So I ran in, and got ready to leap. Of course, the smart thing for this guy would be to meet me in the air and beat me by simply being heavier. Unfortunately for him, I didn’t jump, instead I spun around, and bucked the fucker in the chest while he was in the air.

He flew out of the ring. Boom, zero exertion. “That’s cheating!” My opponent shouted, still lying on the ground.

“Did I break a rib?” my foe shook his head. “Did I bite you?” He shook his head. “Is kicking a dude in the chest not allowed?”

“It’s allowed…” the ref hummed. “Never thought I’d see a unicorn beat an earth pony in a wrestling match, but I suppose there’s a time for everything. Fruit Punch advances to the next round!” The crowd fucking exploded with cheers and whistles, even a slide whistle or two. I trotted back to my group, and simply sat down. I hummed, taking a swig of water, before sighing… Where the hell did that group of changelings come from… they’re all wearing cheerleading outfits and waving banners with my face on it. I couldn’t help but smile when I noticed that my own guards were leading the group of changelings.

Holy fuck, Pharynx was in the crowd, eying me, and giving me a toothy grin.

“That was totally awesome, Fruit!” Rainbow hugged me and started nuzzling into my cheek. “The way you absolutely destroyed him was awesome. Though you had three perfect opportunities to pounce at him, you took all three, but never actually took any of those chances! What the heck was with that?”

“I’m gonna say it now; if I ran in like an idiot, I woulda got my shit rocked. That was an earth pony, and judging from that,” I nodded towards the ring where a pegasus got her ass handed to her by an earth pony. “An earth pony is like a juggernaut. Strong, heavy, and hard to move. I was being smart and worked him into a position where muscle doesn't mean shit; which is when you’re on your hindlegs and have basically no balance because of it.” I hummed again. “Plus those whenever it looked like I was gonna go in, that was me testing the water.”

“Why though? You could totally kick anypony’s butt in seconds!”

“I wanted to see how easy it is to scare somebody in a situation like that, where they have to fight. Judging from how you reacted, either you’re inexperienced with fighting, or ponies aren’t used to faking out their opponents.” Oh cool, a pegasus just used their wings on an earth pony and it was allowed. Yet I can’t use magic to at least enhance my kicks. Yeah, that bit about magic makes sense, but why can somebody use their wings? “I’m up next I guess.”

Four magical pills, four idiots I put in a wheelchair later, and I was facing a pegasus. “I bet I can get you out of the ring before you can blink,” the pegasus taunted.

“Sure, just allow me a moment after the match starts. You’ll see why.” The pegasus had an ego the size of Rainbow’s, and then some because when the match started, he just stood there. “So, do you wanna hear about your lord and savior, Jesus Christ?” The pegasus cocked her head to the side. “So like, he’s this guy who can walk on water, and he can also swim on land. He loves you and-” the pegasus probably had enough of hearing what I was saying, which was fair. I pulled that shit out of my ass. I just wanted to piss him off. Anyways, I ducked when the pegasus charged at me, and he flew right into a wall of the stadium and was knocked the fuck out. “You just sent yourself to Jesus, so you’ll learn about our lord and saviour from the source.”

“...Fruit Punch of Ponyville wins and moves onto the finals?” The entire stadium was laughing at the pegasus that quite literally fucked around and found out what running into a wall does to you. The pegasus was dragged away on a medical bed. I trotted out, and Pharynx actually jumped out of the stands to meet me. Of course, guards tried to stop him, but they were slow as fuck(and incompetent), and Pharynx wasn’t slow as fuck.

“Fruit, that is fucking funny! What the hay were you talking about?”

“I dunno. I think those magic pills have some weed in them; I feel high off my ass and I don’t know what the fuck just spewed out of my mouth. I just wanted him mad, and I guess the idea of God and Anime pissed him off.” Pharynx blinked. “It’s a human thing, don’t worry bud. It was kinda funny, kinda not funny, kinda funny and not funny. I already got my single gold medal if I lose; I’m guaranteed at least third place.”

“You best win. It’ll look good on me, as your teacher, and it’ll make the Queen absurdly happy to see you win a bronze. If you lose, I will get Thorax, and he will be used for guilt-tripping you into competing again next year for a bronze medal.” Fuck you, Pharynx. He could sense what I was feeling. “Yes, how dare I use my adorable, little brother to make you do what I want. You did that to yourself by the way; finding us ‘lings adorable.” I groaned. By the way, Thorax was in the crowd, next to where Pharynx was sitting, with a giddy grin on his face.

God dammit, why is everything in this fucking universe so cute?

Spoiler alert, I had a bronze medal, the highest tier you can get, for wrestling and I was tired as fuck. Because unlike the last few rounds, my opponent knocked a fucking tooth or three out of my mouth and everything hurts. I did end up hitting that earth pony so hard that he could see stars during the daylight though, so that’s fun. He got knocked the fuck out. Needless to say, I was actually enjoying myself, if I ignored the pain. I was just lying on the bench, trying not to scream in pain.

The next few days of the Equestrian games were unimportant, aside from Spike trying to sing before medals were given out during the baton pass, I got my ass kicked in running track, and got fucked up in the other sport, won a silver medal by kicking a disc across a field, and then caught a volleyball in the face. Like it hit me so hard that it almost broke my nose. Then again, I’m a pussy, and also unicorns are very frail. Me being a pussy and a unicorn definitely didn’t help when I got fucked up by that volleyball.

You know, having balls flying into your mouth should be way more fun.

So I was just sitting on the bench, with everyone else, watching ponies shoot arrows at targets with ice arrows. I think Rainbow Dash was a tiny bit concerned about Cloudsdale, for some fucking reason. Even though when she pointed out I was fighting a pony from Cloudsdale during the wrestling match, and to be careful, I kicked their ass so hard that it was apparently the quickest knockout in Equestrian history. Of course, because nothing is allowed to be nice and happy, some idiot fucked up shooting their bow, and managed to hit a massive rain cloud. I watched, realizing that yes, I was going to die, and being okay with that.

My nose hurt so much that I would rather not be alive. Then again, if I weren’t alive, no Chryssy time, and no Cozy Glow to cuddle and snuggle. Also they would be really, really sad and depressed if I died. So maybe dying isn’t so okay anymore. I closed my eyes and got ready for impact, until some bright light managed to breach my eyelids. I opened them, expecting to see god, who will send me to hell without hesitation, before realizing I’m still living in the shithole known as the land of the living. Spike just evaporated the giant ice cloud, and now it’s raining on me. Great, now my fur is wet. Oh well; once my magic is working again, I can just warm myself up so much that it dries me off.

I sighed and rolled off the bench, because I guess that happened during the last event and it was time to give the Equestrian Games a proper send off.

While the national anthem played, everypony put a hoof to their heart, and happily sang along. I blinked a couple times, thinking it's about time I got drunk off my ass, and then realized I had a child to take care of. And that that child was flying towards me at terminal speeds, and was now hugging my neck so god damn tightly that it was hard to breathe. “That was awesome Dad!”

“The part where I gave up on life, or me getting my shit kicked in, in half the games I participated in?”

“Oh be quiet; you fought like a pro during wrestling and did really good during the disc toss! You’ll compete next year, right?”

“...Only if the changelings can partake in the games. My face hurts.” Also my leg, that hurt too, but mainly my face.

On the train, Rainbow was bragging about her medal, which was cool. She had a whole single medal, which was a silver one. I was sitting with two; the silver and bronze medals from disk tossing and wrestling respectively. She was bragging about her medal to literally everyone, and eventually was sitting next to me, bragging about her stupidass shit. I was just laying my head on the back of the chair I was sitting in, Cozy Glow and Chrysalis were able to actually join me, and I was sitting by them.

“Yes Rainbow, your performance during the Equestrian Games was insane. You are the stuff of legend, and is super cool,” I droned as Rainbow did not shut the fuck up.

“You know, Rainbow Dash, your medal is quite nice,” Chrysalis hummed; she was analyzing Cozy Glow’s mane, as it got a bit tangled after she also got rained on. “But I believe you are celebrating a bit too much; Pinkie Pie is sure to throw you a nice party for how well you did during the games.” She hummed. “So it would do you some good to calm down and wait to brag until you are home.” Ah, the nice way of telling somebody to shut the fuck up.

“Yeah, you’re right. But Fruit, you are an actual monster while wrestling! I didn’t expect you to be so darn good!”

“...Didn’t you watch me wrestle my way through several, trained guards? I may be physically weak without magic, but I got the brain of a predator; I know how to fight something should the need arise.”

“Yeah, but your style is so unorthodox, with all those feints, counters, just everything!”

“It helps that my second in command has been teaching Fruit how to fight; I say a few changeling moves mixed into Fruit’s very systematic fighting style during his matches. Though, I am shocked; you seem interested in my fiance’s victories, more so than your own.”

“Well duh, I wanna be able to fight like that. I may be the coolest, toughest mare around, but I only really have speed and strength while fighting. Sure, the training hoof to hoof Celestia had me go through was nice, but if Fruit really wanted to, he could probably beat me or any of my friends in a fight… Wait, you say systematic fighting?” Rainbow asked.

“Of course. Fruit’s style mainly consisted of him testing his opponent’s reflexes before going in. I can easily counter his offense due to how predictable it is; Fruit’s just quick and efficient enough that he can still give me a rough time in doing so.”

“And then you kick my shit in anyways,” I groaned. “God, my nose still feels like you kicked it really hard…” Chrysalis kissed it. “That’s better,” I rolled my eyes.

“Fruit, can you teach me how to fight?” Rainbow asked.

You know, that is a tempting offer and teaching sure is fun-

“Fuck no.”

Author's Note

next chapter, tirek will exist. he might fuck around and find out what a shotgun in the mouth can do