So, there is a delegation going on in the Crystal Empire, what it is for, I dunno. Chrysalis had to show up, and went in ahead of me, taking Cozy with her this time as ‘it’s my turn with the adorable little filly’. Of Course, Cozy was all too willing to spend more time with her Mom, so that left me on the train with the Elements; I’m supposed to guard them again. Man am I having fun; so far my job’s been uneventful, which is a good thing. The bad thing is, Rainbow Dash will not leave me alone. Either she likes me, or wants to test how physically able I am, or she is just retarded, and I doubt that my one bronze medal in wrestling earth ponies and pegasi did anything to curve her bullshit around me.

“Please, please tell-”

I felt like burping for some reason, and I did, it felt awful and kinda hurt. God what the fuck did I burp up? My kidney? No, it was a message. An excuse to ignore Rainbow Dash! Man, it’s like that green shirt wearing dude and a blue dog! I got a letter! I got a letter! I wonder who it's from! It’s from Sunset Shimmer; she somehow knows I’m going to the Crystal Empire and is actually in a hotel. Cool, that was something to look forward to. Now, because we were going to the Crystal Empire, with a random delegation that I couldn’t be bothered to remember, so what do you pack your suitcase with?

Because I packed the shotgun and a dart gun. I’ve a feeling that I might need one of those.

Also, don’t ask how the fuck I learnt how to magically burp up spells, because Chrysalis simply did something to me while I was asleep, and now I can receive mail via magic. She didn’t tell me what she did,

Eventually Rainbow did leave me alone, and Twilight came and filled her place. She looked kinda… sad. Lost even. “I don’t even know why I am heading up to this delegation; I’m just going to smile, wave, and probably unveil a banner or something. I’ve yet to do anything truly… important in regards to my role as a Princess,” Twilight sighed. “How do you do it? You’re the basically king of the Hive you and Chrysalis share at this point, and an Equestrian Prince because of what Chrysalis is to Equestria. Don’t you have a lot of responsibilities?”

“I don’t have a lot of responsibilities, Twilight. I mostly just take care of Cozy Glow and live my life. Granted, it does suck that I don’t have an actual job, and nowhere will hire me. This is my job now, though. I think you’re feeling a bit of an existential crisis; you don’t know if what you’ve been doing up until now is really worth a shit. You’ve saved this country more times than you can count on a human hand, you become a Princess, and then basically nothing changes. What does change is that you end up having to go to more official, royal meetings and whatnot, and then only ‘smile and wave’. You don’t even rule over anything, do you?” Twilight shook her head.

“I just… want to actually be a Princess, I have my wings, I wear a crown, but it feels like they don’t mean anything at all!” I tapped my chin a couple of times.

“Man, ain’t what you’re feeling is a real bitch,” Twilight glared at me. “What?”

“That isn’t a word,” I chuckled. “Neither is the ‘word’ aren’t.” Like Student like Teacher I guess.

“But it still fucking sucks. I think I’ve been having a bit of a crisis even now, especially after coming to Equestria. I came here for a purpose, but the thing marking my ‘destiny’ doesn’t seem to mean shit. I’m marrying Chrysalis soon, and I have a lovely daughter, but even now, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t feel… whole, like you do right now. My only advice right now is to keep pushing forward, even when it seems like your life isn’t amounting to anything, get up and face the day with a smile. Things will get better eventually, bud,” I wrapped an arm around Twilight. She wasn’t looking down like she was earlier; she wasn’t as upset about it at least.

And there goes all my fucking progress on making Twilight feel a little bit better. I think Celestia knows how Twilight’s feeling, but chose to let her come towards the end of the delegation and unveil another motherfucking banner. Yeah, ain’t that a good way to make your student, who worked her fucking ass off to get to where she is, feel like she’s earned her worth. I get that maybe, just maybe, Celestia is trying to ease Twilight into being a Princess, but I think Twilight’s the type of pony to flourish in with all the responsibility to come with being a Princess.

So now we were all standing on a balcony, watching Twilight continue in her existential crisis. It… kinda sucked, y’know? Sure, I might not be the closest friend that Twilight has, but I’ve seen what she’s usually like, what she was like before the wings and crown. She was happy; no expectations of being a Princess, she just hung around her friends and wrote letters about what she learnt with them. Sure, being the Princess of Friendship seems dumb, it is, but then it’s making the poor mare feel… Inadequate.

Of course, everyone that wasn’t me, or Chrysalis, decided to sing. Twilight sang of her feelings of worthlessness, while the rest of the Princesses sang words of encouragement. Occasionally Celestia would glance at me and Chrysalis, probably expecting us to throw in a verse or two, but Chrysalis melted into the floor, and probably ended up in our bedroom. I simply chuckled, before proceeding to bash my head into the side of the wall to knock me out. It didn’t work, but boy oh boy did I sing about how my head hurts.

No, I just lied on my side while everyone sang, having a headache and groaning silently so I wouldn't ruin Twilight’s little moment.

Sometime before everyone went to sleep for the evening, I decided it would be a good idea to go visit Sunset Shimmer. She was in the area, I knew which hotel she was staying at; she told me in her letter after all. So I left the palace for a bit to invite Sunset to dinner. It was really just me taking her to the castle’s kitchens and raiding the food pantry in order to make a pizza, but I just wanted to hang out with her. She was fucking adorable most of the time, even if she can murder me and squish me into paste because of how strong she is with magic. Almost at Twilight’s level before the alicornation. Which was already leagues above what I am capable of in terms of raw strength and then technical ability.

So I knocked on Sunset’s door a couple of times, to find that yes, she was inside and wide awake. From the looks of things, I think she’s still kinda used to her sleep schedule as a teenage girl in the mirror world. As in stay up, sleep in late; or just her teenage-girl-on-the-weekend schedule because she’s just as chipper as she usually is. “Hey Fruit! How’s your day going?”

“It’s… ten at night,” I shrugged. “Anyways, I’m feeling good right now. How are you feeling about a slice of pizza?” Sunset’s ears perked up. “I’ll go ahead and take that as a yes.”

“Of course! I love Equestrian pizza, but once you get human pizza… oh, oh my god it doesn’t even compare anymore! Then you happen to be good at cooking human pizza!” Sunset nuzzled up beside me. “I have been promised pizza and I want it now!” Ah, just like a teenager, a grown up teenager that is still somehow very adorable.

The two of us managed to make it to the kitchen, where we then proceeded to make a nice, plain cheese pizza. It was a wonderful night until I had to go on guard duty for some fucking reason. Hell, Shining Armor stopped by and tried to get a slice, only to watch as Sunset then ate the remaining bits of pizza… How? Horses, their stomachs are huge. Mares, their stomachs are black holes. Alicorns, their stomachs are endless voids. Anyways, Shining Armor was super happy about that, so he dragged me off to go guard Celestia’s room for some fucking reason.

In the middle of the night, I was standing guard, because I guess since I’m a bodyguard, I am also just a Royal Guard. Great. Glad. Glad I got told that four weeks ago. I had to guard Celestia’s room for some reason, because a pony that can break my neck in a heartbeat needs protecting. Especially when I have a fiance and a filly I wanna snuggle up with, and sleep with. The guard next to me was beginning to get just a tad bit drowsy; I had a spell that keeps me awake and vigorous. It fucks you up if you use it too often, but for one off things like this, it’s a good replacement for coffee.

I just hate coffee.

A scream from the other side of the door fully brought my fellow guard to the land of the living, and I already bucked my way through the door. “Is everything-“

The door slammed open behind me, good thing I was right behind the door, because now I knew what it is like to be a pancake. It’s quite painful, but with enough time, I think I can come to enjoy being a pancake. It’s a vibe, and quite nice… Oh hey, I hear Luna talking about some shit. I couldn’t hear what it was; I was busy being one with the wall. I have a feeling it’s important though, because Celestia immediately said to get Chryssy and the other princesses. I kept being one with the wall, as I was actually partially buried into it.

It was probably pretty urgent since both of them randomly woke up in the middle of the night after Luna had supposedly turned her sleep schedule around for the delegation. Again, I couldn’t care that much; I was stuck in the wall. So as soon as the two walked out, Celestia quickly noticed that I was there, and magically tugged me out with her to whatever the fuck meeting we’re going to. Of course, I felt wonderful…

I think I broke a rib or two. Other than that, feeling great and vigorous… I need a doctor.

I did not get that doctor. Instead, I got to stand tall next to Chrysalis in a really, shitty meeting room with the rest of the Princesses while they talked about some fucker named Tirek. It turns out he’s a real douche bag, and is a megalomaniac. Tirek also wants to put the princesses in Tartarus, take over the world, and essentially rule with an iron fist. I drank it all in, humming, and thinking of all the ways to murder him. Twilight Sparkle was hoping to track Tirek down and bring an end to his psychoticness. Cadence even suggested her.

“I have already decided to send Discord after him,” wat?

Suddenly a snake, goat, moose, dragon thing appeared outta nowhere. He had a lion paw too, that’s cool. “Hello!” Discord winked at me. “Once this whole ordeal is over, we’ll chat, my little chaotic ape. For now, I have a centaur to catch… or is it a minotaur? I always get them mixed up… Oh well!” I blinked a couple of times as he pulled out human art of both of those things. “Toodaloo!” His voice echoed as he disappeared into the middle of Fucking I don’t Know Where. I slowly turned to Celestia, before sighing. That fucker basically means we all die; it’s Discord, the thing that fucked the world up a couple of times… He’s gonna team up with Tirek. I just know he will.

Of course, when I voiced my opposition to the idea, I was shushed by the Princess and told her reasoning.

Oh yeah, Twilight definitely took the decision very well, because she’s staring at her hooves again. “Hey Celestia,” I summoned my shotgun. “Why not sick me or Twilight on Tirek? I have a gun, and Twilight’s got some of the strongest magic ponykind has ever seen. Either of us could kill him; Tirek has some magical resistance, right?”

“He does, in fact, he can eat magic.”

“Cool. I can just shoot him in the face with a shotgun; it takes no magic.” Celestia grabbed my shotgun out of my magic with her own and started eying it. “Celestia, do not fucking point that at your face!” I hopped away from Chrysalis and snagged it. “You’re god damn lucky that I don’t keep this fucker loaded, like jesus. If you accidentally fucked around, you woulda had your head’s insides decorating the backwall over there, you dingus. I don’t give a shit who you are; you aren’t surviving a shotgun to the face.”

“I should confiscate this if it is as dangerous as you claim it is,” Celestia hummed. Before she could though, I magicked it away “But you and Twilight are not going. You simply cannot take on Tirek, and I already have Discord hunting Tirek down. After all, Discord is quite powerful, and can easily take Tirek down.”

What a fucking surprise, Discord fucking betrayed us. Wow, who woulda saw that coming? I certainly fucking didn’t. I sat in my old home in Canterlot, as a sort of safety precaution, a retarded one since the Hive was very well protected; that’s where Cozy was. I just read the news, because Celestia sent me a scroll, and I was just beating my head into the table. I just don’t- this shit was so god damn predictable! Ah yes, Princess fucking Retardlestia, send the literal embodiment of Chaos towards what is essentially satanic Adolf Hitler! That won’t end poorly she said! Everything will be fine, she said!

It’s not fucking fine. You blond, stupid, fucking horse.

Yeah, also he won’t fucking betray us, you say. God damn, I want to get some beer.

Okay yeah, fuck it. I grabbed my shotgun, the dart gun, and several doses of elephant tranquilizer. I put on some very, very basic leather armor, a single shotgun shell, and mentally prepared myself for what might happen if I failed. Now, the Hive was entirely shut down, nothing gets in, nothing gets out, so going to Chrysalis for some help isn’t an option. Getting back up was not an option; cities and towns were falling left, right, front, and center. Celestia said I just had to stay in my old home, and not the Hive, so I was free to do whatever. Good, because Chrysalis would not let me leave if she found out I was going to put a motherfucker six feet under.

I kicked my door open, not even bothering to close it, and started heading to the castle. I started going down the street, and kept going until I managed to sneak my way into the castle.

I found a hidey-holy in the throne room. Now the only thing I needed to do was wait- what the fuck are the Princesses doing? They’re… Giving all their magic to Twilight Sparkle. Well, that’s at least smart, I guess. Funneling all your fucking fuel into one source instead of spreading yourselves across the world, but I suppose, if alicorns are fucking strong as hell, then I suppose just Tirek getting one of the Princesses would spell doom for everyone. I silently watched as Twilight was sent home, and… God damn, I have never seen Celestia or Luna so god damn weakened. I guess that’s what happens when most of your body runs on magic.

Once it’s gone, you’re powerless.

I was awoken from my nap when a centaur broke through the doors, yelling up a storm. He tried to drain Celestia, Luna, and Cadance, before yelling and raging at them about the severe lack of magic that they have. “First that worthless changeling queen goes missing, and then none of you can even provide a morsel of magic!?” Tirek was still going, saying slurs. “I suppose I will have to find that Queen; I‘ve heard she became a pony lover. I bet she will provide a tasty snack…” What did he just fucking say? “I bet she even adopted a pony recently… I bet that filly will also provide some-”

“Hey bitch!” I stepped out from behind the pillar, dart gun loaded. “You wanna hurt Queen Chrysalis do ya?” I shouted, having loaded the shotgun up should I need it. “Because if you wanna come after her, I am going. To. Kill. You. There will be nothing left of your pathetic, worthless hide when I am through with you,” I fired the dart gun at Tirek’s face, which he… blocked for some reason. I shot another at his chest, which bounced right off it. Interesting. I ran at Tirek, throwing a few jabs in here or there, staying clear of those fucking arms of his.

I weaved, ducked, and spun around Tirek, knowing fully that I am not doing shit. “Enough!” Tirek didn’t notice me magicking the shotgun into my grasp. But he did grab me with levitation, halting my assault. “I believe you know where Queen Chrysalis is, so tell me, where is she? In exchange, I will only drain you of magic instead of breaking your scrawny little neck!” Tirek grinned, and a look in those eyes… yeah, something in there ain’t there, and that’s called a moral compass.

“You will release my fiance at once, Lord Tirek. I will fight you if I shall,” I slowly peeked around the centaur… and there she was. “You hurt him, and I will show you why changelings are considered very loyal to those they care about.” Tirek’s evil grin could not get any bigger. He opened his mouth and tried to slowly drain me. “I said to leave him unharmed!” Chrysalis took to the air and charged Tirek, only to be swatted away… She slammed into a nearby pillar and fell with a thud. My heart dropped, and any emotions I was feeling at the time, fear, sadness, love, hate. All boiled down into my resolve. This son of a bitch is going to die, and I am going to be the reason why.

You do not hurt the people I love.

Tirek turned to me, and began to try and drain me of my magic again. In a heartbeat, I swung the shotgun up, turned the safety off, and shot him in the face with it. His head was blown to smithereens; if he was somehow alive without a head, then I would be pretty shocked. I fell to the ground with a thud, Tirek’s body came down soon afterwards, and… I got crushed by it. I was still conscious, still breathing. I tried to move so I could check on Chrysalis, as… she was getting up. She’s alive! I couldn’t help but smile; victory is ours! “Fruit are you-”

“I fucking told you dumbasses… That I could’ve murdered Tirek with a shotgun…” Everything hurts. When you get… “Why is Tirek’s body inflating-”

A loud boom was the last thing I heard before everything turned to black.

Author's Note

so, will fruit grow wings? or will he... not. idfk.