The Universe Hates You Specifically

“Perhaps we should go downstairs? I could fix you a cup of tea-” the apparition paused, making a show of inspecting Bea as she circled around her, “You look like you could really use one.” Under her breath, she added “A shower wouldn’t hurt either.” Adorably, she pretended to crumple her nose up at the supposed smell emanating from her guest.

Going red, Bea was suddenly reminded of how terrible she looked. Even ignoring her scars, and the more recent cuts and bruises, her coat was horrifically dirty, covered with muck and detritus from the forest floor.

Her host- a princess no less, looked at her quizzically. She was far too cute for her own good. Abashed, Beatrix looked down, murmuring- half to herself, “A shower would be nice…”

The princess laughed, bubbly and beautiful and elegant, and Beatrix, battered as she was, did not have enough energy to deal with how hard she was crushing on the magical princess.

“Unfortunately, as you may have gathered, I’m not actually here.”

Bea’s heart sank. It had been too good to be true. She’d totally lost it, and now even the hallucination was calling her out on it. With a sigh, she plopped down on her hindquarters.

“So, basically, my movement is a little limited right now.” She smiled sweetly and tapped restlessly at the floor with a hoof while she spoke, “And thus, I can’t get you that tea. Unless you take my crown downstairs. To the kitchen.”

Bea gave her a deadpan look, and the Alicorn looked at her expectantly.

“I guess, you could say I’m tethered to it? Sort of.”

Sighing, the unicorn stood. “Ok.” She grabbed the crown from where it lay on the bed and began to make her way out into the hallway. “Sure. Why not.”

The princess floated along beside her. Despite her smile, her expression was unreadable. “I am Luna,” She paused, concentration furrowing her brow. “By the way.”

“And I’m pretty sure I hit my head too hard earlier.”

She frowned at that, and Bea couldn’t help but snort a little as a proper laugh threatened to force itself out. Sure, she was here in a magic house, in a part of the forest that hadn’t existed yesterday, talking to a magic ghost princess that lived inside a crown.

“It’s a diadem by the way. Not a crown.” Bea felt the need to correct this mare, magical ghostly... princess-ness, be damned.

Luna stared at her in casual disbelief, a single eyebrow raised. When Bea caught her look, she quickly turned away in a huff. “Whatever. I just thought that you should like, know that.” Laughter again. Guh.

They came to the bottom of the stairs and turned right, passing through what must have been the living room as they went into the kitchen. Dumping the diadem on the nearest countertop, Bea turned to Luna and quickly checked she was still there.

She was.

“Do you even have any food here? I mean… y’know. What with the whole, ghost thing?”

Luna scoffed. “I’m not a ghost, kid.”

For a moment, they were stuck in a standoff, staring at each other. It probably seemed like they were having a bit of an intense moment to Luna, but for Bea it was dominated by the delayed realisation that the age gap between her and the mare she had been pretty shamelessly checking out, was almost certainly far too large to be anything other than weird and gross.

I mean, she’s an Alicorn, Bea chided herself- of course she’s going to be friggin’ ancient.

The ethereal royal just looked at her. “Alright. How about you go have that shower; I’ll make you something to eat in the meantime, and then we can have a talk about a few things.”

Bea stood there for a few moments longer, pointedly glaring at Luna who cocked her head and blinked at her.

The realisation hit her “Oh! Right. You can use the guest bathroom, it’s the third door to the left upstairs, towards my side of the hall.”

Nodding, Bea hurriedly walked up the stairs two at a time and quickly shut the door behind her when she got in, desperate to hide the blood rushing to her face. Magical ghost girl, inviting her to use her magical shower in her stupid magical house.

The water was warm, and she could feel it soaking into her bones. Muck and blood swirled around the drain, rust-coloured reminders of what she’d endured recently. As she watched the dirt disappear, she became aware of a stinging on her flank. Any adrenaline she’d had remaining in her system had well and truly been flushed out by the shower, and her enchantments could only do so much to stem the oncoming flood of pain- the injury itself wasn’t so bad, but the impending sense of immobility was blindingly agonising. Collapsing to the tiled floor, she couldn’t stifle a yelp.

Downstairs, just out of her current range of hearing, there was a clatter of metal.

It had been so long since she had rested properly- at least three full clocks’ worth, and she was so weary and so very sore.

Luna was talking- saying something to her in worried tones, but she was too far away to hear.

~~~

As the hot water ran out, the gradual shift in temperature barely registered until the torrent of droplets was almost freezing. It only took a second or two for Bea to regain consciousness, and with a squeal, she rolled out of the way.

Miserable and soaked, she looked up at the tap and turned it off with her magic, a low groan emanating from her throat.

She couldn’t stand, so she propped herself up on the toilet and tried to balance herself on three legs. Wrapping a pale pink towel in a wreath of teal magic, she began to dry herself off, wincing every time she rubbed abrasively at any sore spots, which may as well have made up the majority of her body at the moment.

The house was silent, save for the creak of floorboards under her hooves and the timid groans coming in waves as the building expanded and contracted. The floor swayed under her three good hooves, and it felt like she was out at sea again.

Passing through the foyer, she trudged over the carpet in the living room, stopping briefly to take note of the dying embers twinkling in the fireplace; the slightly kitschy couches arranged around an otherwise tasteful room; the expansive shelving, cluttered with books and miscellaneous bric-a-brac; the honest smell of pine mixing with the rosy aroma of a scented candle.

It felt like home.

Shit. Mum had to be getting worried by now. She hadn’t planned on being away for this long, and she certainly hadn’t mentioned what she was doing.

Time to move on.

Reaching the dining room, she observed the mug on the table. It was stone cold when she picked it up, and she set it down again, ignoring the coaster. Next she wandered into the kitchen, where it looked like a roving band of slapstick comedians had tried- unsuccessfully- to bake a cake of some description, multiple failed attempts laying stacked in the sink.

At some point, Luna’s diadem had fallen off the counter-top, and there was no sign of the princess herself.

When she picked it up, it remained inert.

~~~

She was genuinely shocked by how well-stocked the kitchen was. After having made herself a new cup of tea, she had settled down on one of the couches with one of her books, the fire blazing in the background.

It was difficult to focus on the words with everything that happened, and she soon became aware of the presence standing behind her.

“Hey.”

“Sup?”

Luna timidly moseyed down the other end of the couch, rolled herself over the back and into a sitting position. It was kind of hilarious to watch her acting like a teen when she had been trying so hard to put on an air of formality earlier. Bea snickered at her antics.

Eyeing the mug on the table, Luna leant forward, briefly levitating it so she could slide a coaster underneath it before setting the mug down carefully so as not to disturb the last bits of her tea.

“Are you…”

“Alright? Yeah, just had a bit of a fall. Then I conked out for a bit.”

“Oh. Ok. I was worried about you, Beatrix.” Her voice wavered a bit.

Shooting the mare a confused look, the words came out a little quicker than she’d liked- “When’d I tell you my name?”

“It was sewn into the hem of your cloak.” Although her tone didn’t change at all, it was clear by her face that she’d interpreted it as an accusation.

“Oh. Sorry.”

There was a moment of silence, and Bea went to turn the page of her book. The crispness of the sound when the page flipped completely filled the room.

“So…” Luna began, and Bea became horribly aware that the princess had been staring at her from the other end of the couch the whole time.

As smoothly as possible, she tried to get up out of her relaxed slouch, and into a bit more of a dignified position. As she finished her scramble, she nodded her head at the offering, trying to play it cool.

“So?” She dropped her book.

Nailed it.

“Um- Well…” Luna, bless her, was trying to ignore how much of a mess she was right now. “Ah!” She exclaimed, lightbulb clearly visible above her head. “What is it that you are reading?” she continued, obviously proud of herself for having completed one the most basic sentences possible.

She leaned in, as if imparting a secret- the proximity made Bea’s stomach flutter. “You know, I’ve read all the books in this house, but I don’t recognise this one.” Great, she was a grade-A nerd, too. To complete the effect, Luna conjured a pair of reading glasses out of nowhere as she picked the book up from where it had fallen.

“It’s one of mine. I like to read whenever I’m travelling.”

“Waterfalls” Luna read aloud.

“Yeah, it's about-” Bea cut herself off, realising that actually; maybe it wouldn't give the best impression if she explained what the book was about. “Look, forget that for now, alright?” Luna's disappointment showed, but she nodded regardless “Anywyas, about earlier…” Bea started, but trailed off as she saw the look Luna gave her. “What?”

Luna giddily clapped her hooves “Did you just say… ‘anywyas’? Wh-”

“NO I DID NOT.” The words came out strangled, and she turned, already blushing. Her coat would be permanently purple by the time she left this damned house. Gosh, Luna was pretty.

Desperate to change the topic, Bea remembered what they’d been talking about before her impromptu shower nap. “Look, can we talk?”