Man in a Pony’s World

So, one of the cool things about living in a magical land full of magical ponies, some with wings, some that are very horny, and some without wings or a horn is the fact that they can control the weather. Well, the ones with wings can, and the others cannot. Earth ponies have an innate talent for farming, landscaping, anything that happens to involve the land. As such, they can control when winter comes and ends. Why they don’t keep it at a nice, crisp seventy(in freedom weather, you fucking communistic ponies) or sixty-five and leave it at that is beyond me, but it makes sense from a scientific standpoint.

Judging from the trees and the plants around Ponyville, and apparently most of Equestrian soil, these are the types of trees that need a break from being trees all day. So winter comes, the trees can rest, bears hibernate, people get a month off of work in the first initial snow, and overall it’s a fun time. Of course, it’s December, because Thanksgiving doesn’t exist, so Hearth’s Warming takes place in November when the first snow happens. Of course, that meant I got to celebrate human traditions alone again, like usual, so it wasn’t that big of a deal. I also got to leave my house and finally learn why I never got an invite or letter anywhere at all during Pony Christmas.

“Pinkie made a mistake in sending invitations out, and by the time we realized, it was too cold for and there was too much snow around Ponyville to get to you!” Twilight sighed as we sat in her living room, in front of the fireplace(who the fuck thought that was a good idea) with a cup of hot chocolate. “I’m sorry we didn’t find you sooner, Bob, but it’s… taking some time to get used to you not living in the library with me and Spike. We… just put off sending you your invite until it was too late.”

“Meh. it’s not a big deal; I had a friend to keep me company after all.”

“Who’s this friend of yours? You mentioned them when we last saw you, but you never brought them to any gatherings we invited you to.”

“In all fairness, Twilight, we haven’t seen each other all month. I kinda… went into recluse to work on a new project,” I lied through my teeth. “And I didn’t even know you guys sent letters out to me; it’s a bit hard for Ditzy, or any mail pony for that matter, to come and see me with this much snow on the ground. The only ones I’ve seen come by were the Arrow Family, and Venice always talks about how much of a pain in the ass it is to get to my house through a meter of snow. So I couldn’t ever really introduce my friend to you all; even though you met him when you first saw my house. It’s my pet rock, Steve.”

“I… didn't think you’d be the type of pony to indulge in having a pet rock.”

“I’m also not a pony.”

“Yeah, that is true. Are… you looking to get an actual pet at some point? I’m certain you’d love any animal that Fluttershy has.”

“I wanted a wolf or a dog, or even a wolfdog of some sort. Fluttershy doesn’t know what a wolfdog is, she has no dogs at the moment, and I don’t think she’d own a wolf. Timber wolves seem cool, but apparently they are incredibly vicious and are also incredibly dangerous. And from what I’ve seen of them, they don’t actually have a pack mentality like wolves or dogs; they just hunt together if necessary, split their catch, and split off soon afterwards… Because they literally don’t have brains, they lack the ability to create social bonds.”

“You… studied timber wolves?”

“Yeah. I was bored and drunk and went into the Everfree to study some of the animals. Apparently drunk Bob is really good at biology, because that’s one of the many areas in human science I’m weak in. I can work with physics, I can put stuff together, but I can’t do chemicals, or animals very well. Yet the notes I took, while drunk as fuck, were damn near perfect and seemed to be well made. So I’m just rolling with what drunk me has noted down about timberwolves, since after some post-hangover studying, it is accurate.”

“Can I stop by and have a look at those notes? I know it may not mean much to you, but Equestria could benefit from having knowledge on what’s in the Everfree Forest.”

“Sure. I think I only got timberwolves and manticores in said notes; it’s hard to stay awake when you’ve drunk something that is known for knocking people out.”

“Still any information is helpful.”

“Still, it would be nice to have that.”

“Fair enough. I’ll stop by tomorrow with the notes,” I stood up and stretched. “Nice talkin’ to ya, Twilight. Anything big coming up that I should know about?”

“Winter Wrap up is in two months.” I raised an eyebrow. “It’s what we ponies do to mark the end of winter.”

“Cool. I’ll come by and help out if I don’t get chased out for using human inventions to help me help you ponies out.”

“And this,” the calculator I made popped into existence in front of me. “Is so cool! Now I can spend half the time working equations out with it!” I chuckled. “Is all human technology like this? As in incredibly helpful?” I chuckled. It was nice to see Twilight enjoying her present.

“There are some devices, that are out of my area of expertise, that have something like that,” I pointed at the calculator. “In them, which can not only do what a calculator does, but can store millions of books on it, read them out for you, send letters, communicate with somebody with your voice, and keep you entertained for hours at a time. These are called computers and so far, aside from rockets that can carry people to the moon, are probably one of the best inventions of humanity. Imagine, being able to see your mother’s face, talk to her like she’s there, and she can do the same with you instantaneously. That is the power of humanity, the ability to imagine something and having the determination and resolve to make that something a reality. We once thought we wanted to touch the moon, and we did. We were about to touch neighboring planets when I left Earth.”

“That… I want to see your home now. I know I probably won’t, but it sounds awesome.”

“You’ll need to turn yourself into a human. Humans, if they found you as a sentient, talking horse that can use magic, they will question you at a minimum. They will ask questions, and maybe not kill you and study your insides because you’re a form of sapient life that humans will respect. Or the children will find you fucking adorable, which you are,” Twilight blushed at that. “And will pet you.”

“Well… I don't like the part about being killed and cut open, but petting isn’t too bad. I think I might like young humans.”

“I can take that out of context so easily. But yeah, some kids might ask to ride on your back, pet you, maybe feed you an apple. Hell, some might even brush your mane, but you’ve made me do that before and loved it, so I don’t think you’d care.”

“Human hands just have something that not even magic can replicate. It felt really good when you brushed my entire coat out.”

“You have problems.”

“Yes I do. I didn’t say you could leave without rubbing my belly after all.”

“You tummy slut.”

“Bitch.”

“Hey now, humans like to eat dogs.”

“...Huh?”

“A racist joke towards a certain… colored humans. I’m not that certain color of humans, but I knew it would shock you long enough for this.” I grabbed Twilight’s forehooves, which only added to her shock, before I dragged her off her bean bag. I then flopped her on her back and dragged her up onto my lap. “Now… I could continue my villain arc, Twi, do you wanna know what my evil plan is?”

“...What is it?”

“Tickling cute ponies. I already did Venice and Golden, they survived so I must extract my revenge… however, you have not been tickled yet. And you are a very cute pony.” I let my voice get nice and low, as threatening as I could make it for a guy with a fairly high-pitched voice.”

“Bob, I really don’t like your tone,” I grinned maliciously as I moved Twilight’s leg and started going for the armpit. Of course, this spot is my tried and true when it comes to tickling, and I’ve finally made a huge leap in my quest of becoming truly evil. As the unicorn squirmed and begged for a mercy that would never come, I moved to her neck and that happened to be just as ticklish. The only problem is now I have to watch for flailing horse legs… I didn’t have to worry about that too much. Because now Twilight’s laughs were voiceless and were just wheezes at this point.

And so I stopped tickling her. “So Twi, do you understand my new purpose as a villain?”

“You… You…” Twilight said, finally gaining enough breath to speak, but not enough to conversate yet. “Are… evil, mister,” I chuckled and started softly rubbing her neck. “H-how… Can… how can you be so evil?” Ah, Twilight caught most of her breath. “You… I must contact Princess Celestia and Princess Luna; you must be stopped at all costs!” My hand froze in place when she mentioned Luna. “Bob… why did you stop petting me…” She looked up at my face. “Bob, what happened between you and the Princesses?”

“Twilight, nothing happened. Not with Celestia at least, she’s… been helping me after what Luna did to me.”

“What… Bob, tell me what Princess Luna did. Something’s wrong, and if you don’t tell me, I can’t help you!”

I simply remained silent for a moment while idly stroking the unicorn’s neck. “You… know why Celestia requested that you don’t experiment with magic on me?”

“I thought it’s because you simply didn’t like magic and you felt the need to ask the Crown to stop ponies from using magic on you.”

“Twilight, tell me, what is literally anyone’s chance in getting away when they get caught up in a unicorn’s magic?”

“Well, unless the unicorn is notably strong, they can’t really hold anypony larger than a filly or a colt in place. A stronger, or more talented unicorn,” like Twilight, but she’s humble. “There would be no chance of getting away.”

“So what are my chances of escaping an alicorn?”

“...Close to none, Bob.”

“That’s why. Celestia didn’t do anything to me, don’t worry. Her sister though, watch out for her. I’m sure… it was an accident and all, but that bitch cannot take a joke at all. She…” I paused. “She used magic to do things you should never even consider doing to another, sentient being without their consent, Twilight. Hell, now I’m partially terrified of you, Rarity despite her lack of raw strength in magic, and Celestia because of how powerful you three are in terms of magic, and Luna is roughly on par with Celestia in terms of raw strength. And while you’re the most gifted unicorn, as far as I know of, and you’ve managed to drag me up and around town with your magic. Rarity is precise enough to control a limb or two just due to how pin-point accurate she can be. And Celestia is both of those things while having more power to pour into those things.”

“So Luna…” I nodded. “And now you’re a bit scared of me.”

“I am, but I’m trusting you, and I know you enough to know that you wouldn’t do such a thing to me. I’m putting a lot of my trust in you, Twi, because you’re my best friend. Just… if you use magic at anypoint, please don’t pin me down with it.”

“I won’t, Bob. I will not lay a hoof on you, or direct magic towards you in any capacity. Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye- OW!” Twilight flinched when she accidentally jabbed herself in the eye while performing a Pinkie Promise. How it differs from a Pinky Promise, I don’t know, but it apparently means a lot to the ponies of Ponyville at least. Essentially, if one makes such a promise, you can fully trust them to not break that promise.” I patted Twilight on the head.

“Thank you, Twilight. And no matter what, do not send a letter to Celestia about this; she knows. Do not harass Luna over this; she’s being punished already. Do not tell anyone else though. Just let Rarity know that she can’t use magic on me, which she probably already knows, and we’ll be fine. And especially don’t tell anyone outside of our little friend group about this; they’ll just assume that your ‘pet’ wants attention and will treat it as such.” I hugged Twilight. “And… I forgot about how stupidly soft and fluffy you are.”

“H-huh?”

“Oh right, that’s how stallions flirt with mares. You’re very pettable and huggable is what I’m saying.”

“Oh. I need to remember that you aren’t into ponies.”

“I mean, I guess because Luna did… what she did, I technically have had sex with a pony. What’s the harm- fuck no. We’re friends, not lovers. We might be able to date at some point, when I get over the fact that I’m not a pony, and will never touch or see a human woman ever again. But don’t think we’ll do that sorta stuff any time soon, Twi. There are some things I don’t want to do, and that’s one of those.”

“But interspecies intercourse is legal.”

“Don’t mean I’m down for it. I will pet and snuggle up with you ponies all day if given the option, but I won’t get that kind of cuddly with you.”

“Well… if we do end up dating, that would still be nice. If I had to choose a special somepony, you wouldn’t be that bad.”

“And you’re adorable, so I wouldn’t complain…” I smirked. “Though Venice is cuter than you are.”

“She is not!”

“She is too!”

“Buck you!”

“Woah now, we haven’t even gone to dinner yet, Twilight.”

“I hate you.” I started rubbing her belly again. “I love you!” We both had a good laugh before Twilight’s mind was absorbed in the pure bliss that belly rubs seem to give ponies when I rub them. I then stopped briefly. “I hate you again,” I restarted the rub. “Now I love you again.” Ah, conditional friendships.. You little tummy slut, you. Yeah, enjoy the rubs, you adorable little shit. God this is weird to be thinking to myself while rubbing a pony, especially when calling her a tummy slut.

“Am Ah interrupting something?” Apple Jack walked in wearing a cute little, apple-themed sweater.

“Twilight was in the process of hating me, and now she loves me,” I chuckled as Twilight’s leg started kicking. If nothing else, ponies are cute, and are very good substitutes for puppy therapy. “So, do you need anything?”

“Ah was looking for a book to pass the time; it’s a bit boring on the farm without any farm work to do.”

“I could pet you.”

“That’s a good offer, Bob, and Ah might take you up on it. However, Ah would still like a book,” I pointed at a random book. “That’s a nice, long book about how a local farm boy slays the big, evil dragon. Fun read, really fun, and fuck if it didn’t leave me in tears when I first read it, then I would be lying.”

“Well, Ah can tell you aren’t lyin’ so I’ll take your advice, Bob.” AJ rook the book, before plopping down and opening the book. “You may pet me now,” I was more than happy to oblige; despite AJ literally never going to a spa, apparently, her coat was almost softer than Fluttershy’s coat. “Ah don’t partake in being petted enough; it is a bit degrading, but Ah also won’t admit that it feels really nice,” AJ then remained silent while she was reading, and I stopped petting Twilight because she fell asleep.

“So, how’s the book so far?”

“It is a bit of a slow burner.”

“Well, that book is also a measly thousand pages long.”

“Yer right about that, partner.” We sat in silence, a comfortable one, just quietly reading and petting a pony. You can tell who was doing what.

A few weeks later, Christmas, like actual, human Christmas came and went. I told nobody about it, purely because I don’t think anyone would care. So it was just another day of me sitting alone in my spot in front of the fireplace, without any booze this time, just contemplating my loneliness again. It was a repeat of Hearth’s Warming Eve. Of course, I still met with Celestia once a week for our sessions still, and it was welcomed. If nothing else, they did help, and it was time spent hanging out with a pony. A pony that I wanted to hang out with more. Even if, looking at it now, it seemed like Luna got off easy when it came to what she did to me.

But I suppose there isn’t much I can do about that, especially since what Luna did, was apparently okay a thousand years ago. How rape was okay back then, I don’t fucking know, but whatever.

This is a heavily convoluted way of saying Winter Wrap Up, because I guess snow and ice don’t melt on their own. This was also where I was introduced to music magic, or song magic. Where everyone sings to a tune that nobody can hear, and it just works I guess. So of course, when Winter Wrap Up came around, everyone started singing, and I got forced to give a few verses. Because song magic makes you say things you don’t wanna say, it’s a rule of honor to not remember what is said during a magical song. So you can imagine how glad I was that nobody bothered to listen to my couple of verses about my newfound depression, loneliness, or how I was a hair away from actually killing myself.

Of course, I had a few gadgets built, like a snow plow built out of a tractor I borrowed from AJ(how the fuck do ponies have tractors and not cars?), since that was probably the only thing I could help out with without fucking that up. Twilight, being the organizational master, told me I was to be a part of AJ’s group because of this. And I was super stoked to find out that uh… I wasn’t even fucking allowed to use the snow-plowing tractor I made. Because it ‘wasn’t tradition, you stupid fucking human’ or whatever. So out of spite, I started heaving snow forward, despite how much my body demanded rest, and even stripped down to just a sweater and pants so the cold would numb it down.

Then I collapsed from exhaustion and was told to go sit down after twenty minutes.

“You know, Bob, Ah expected you to last a little longer than that.” AJ handed over a bottle of water.

“Well, I was told that I can’t go against earth pony tradition by using ‘magic’ even though it’s literally a tractor with a snowplow screwed onto it. With a human invention to help it move on snow, and then modified to help it use that human invention. Legit, none of it is magic, it still runs on coal.”

“Bob, human technology may as well be magic. You see how effective a calculator is? It runs off of something to keep it working and does math Ah can’t even do in mere seconds!” I blinked a couple times.

“AJ, if I were allowed to, I’d literally burn the ice covering the lakes, have all the branches cleared out, and given the time, I could probably make a bird nest factory. I could do all of that without using any magic. I fucking loathe magic despite how some of my inventions being powered by it. But if you don’t want me to use any human technology, cool. Just know I’m basically useless. You ponies not only have more muscle mass than I do, but you probably have more stamina to back up said muscles than I do. I’m below average for human endurance as is, and humans are usually good at running… when we aren’t pushing several kilograms of snow.”

“Well, it still ain’t straight just using your hooves and the tools available. Perhaps you can make birds nests-”

“Nope. Rarity will get on my ass about how they don’t look nice, even though I don’t think birds would care. I’m not good at ice skating, so that’s out. Literally out of all the other options, this was the one I could help out the most with if I used the tractor you literally let me borrow and modify so I could use it today. So get off your high horse,” I snickered at that. “About me not being useful anywhere; I can’t even build nests anyways. If you have a problem with that, I’m just gonna go home, shovel my yard, and call it a day. I won’t even be using the food you ponies grow once I get the chemical makeup of greenhouse gasses down.”

“That’s fine and dandy, Bob, but you live in Ponyville; you’ve got to help with Winter Wrap Up.”

I laughed. “I live in what is legally considered not a part of Ponyville, AJ. I’m doing this because I wanted to help my friends out, not Ponyville as a whole. Hell, most of Ponyville doesn’t even like me. The inventions some of you guys now use everyday? Yeah, most of Ponyville doesn’t even know that I made those, and still think I’m about as important as some random dog. A scary, ugly dog, but still a dog. I have zero reason to even be in Ponyville if you, your family, the rest of our friends, and Venice and her kid. I’ve grown an empire of inventions that nobody knows I made, because nobody here would want to buy some weird thing an alien made.”

“Well…” Apple had nothing to say to that.

“So if I’m not useful here, I’ll go home.” I got up, and my legs were shaking, probably because I barely gave myself five minutes to recover. “See ya AJ.”

“Cya ‘round, Bob.”

When I got home, I immediately started working on my concept of a greenhouse. Hopefully Chryssy would be willing to help me actually build the thing if I give her a belly rub.

I want absolutely zero reason to enter Ponyville. Outside of visiting Twilight to rub her belly of course. Or Venice’s belly… I need to stop rubbing pony bellies.

A few days later, I was just sitting in my room, quietly sketching something with the window open. A little Gengar was snoozing away in my lap, just making the schematics for… something. I don’t know. I was bored, so I started sketching a nine-tailed fox for no apparent reason. It was nice, drew terrible drawings, and pet a changeling in between strokes. Good process. Because I’m not allowed to have nice things, a few knocks on my door made me jolt a little. The changeling in my lap was not very appreciative of that, so I started scratching around Gengar’s ears to make up for it.

“What is that sir?” Gengar sat up in my lap to look at the latest sketch in my notebook.

“I was bored, and drew a nine-tailed fox. I know it doesn’t look like it-”

“It looks like a dog that’s made of slime…” Gengar grinned. “Though those actually exist and are pretty smart. I bet the Queen or Sunbutt would be willing to find one for you as a pet.”

“Wait, what?”

“Yeah, they exist! I know Sunbutt knows where a clan of them are, and I bet the Queen does due to us constantly spying on her in the last year.”

“I want one now.”

“Well, the Queen couldn’t find you any wolves, so that is an option.”

Of course, our conversation was on hold now, because that knock on the door likely meant visitors. “Did Celestia already come by this week?” I asked.

“Of course sir. She comes at the start of every week, which is Monday to her.” I patted Gengar on the head. “I know sir, you’re glad that I took up being your pet, part time secretary and friend.”

“You know you’re more than a pet; don’t ever call yourself a pet.”

“I don’t mind being one sir. Free food and pampering? Sign me up!” I shook my head as a new voice could be heard just outside the window.

“C’mon Twilight, should we really even try to invite Bob? He didn’t even show up to our Hearth’s Warming Eve party.” That was Rainbow. “I mean, some of us only really put up with him to begin with, because he was technically your pet.”

“Rainbow! It’s not nice to talk about ponies, or humans, behind their back!”

“Ah’d agree with Rainbow. Bob won’t even tell us his real name. If somepony wouldn’t even bother telling me their name, Ah can safely assume Bob is hiding’ something else from us. Ah don’t like liars, and Bob’s lying to us just by telling us his name is Bob.”

“Think I should go out and greet them?” I looked down at Gengar.

“Twilight won’t even leave unless you come out. So you might as well.” I got up and went to put on a hoodie.

“Bob can’t be that bad. I mean, he still sent out gifts to us because he knew leaving his house, or getting to it would be hard. He sent me flowers at least.” That was Fluttershy. I need to rub her belly later.

“Because he hardly spent any time with you outside of when Twilight was present. Let’s face it; Bob only hung around with us because he’s friends with Twilight.” Rainbow really doesn’t like me apparently. “Sure, he sent gifts out, but let’s be real here; he’s probably not even our friend at this point. He’s just some dumb animal that happens to be able to talk, Twilight.” Wow, Rainbow, such loyalty. Some of my friends voiced similar beliefs. Except Twilight.

“Oi, I got A.K Yearling to make a single print edition of the entire existing Daring Do series, for you, Rainbow. If you’ve got a problem with me, cool. You shoulda looked if the window was open before you started spewing shit outta your mouth.” I opened the window fully and stuck my head out. “Who fucking knew, the Elements are Harmony are terrible fucking friends. Twilight, you’re still chill, I guess. You too Fluttershy; I wish I hung out with you more so I knew what to give you other than flowers. I feel like animal knowledge wouldn’t be useful when you’re the most knowledgeable person I know when it comes to that subject.”

“How the hay do you know what those are?” Rainbow asked.

“How specific, dumbass.”

“Take. That. Back.” Rainbow was now nose to nose with me.

“Nah. I’m nothing but a stupid animal that doesn’t know that he said something he shouldn’t have.” I backed into my home, closed the window, and took a deep breath. “Gengar, I’m gonna go on a walk so I don’t break something I shouldn’t break. If you want some, I got some pudding in the pot on the stove; it was meant to be enough to serve six ponies seven times over, but I suppose I just have a lot of pudding that’s dying for a cute, little bug to go wild on.”

“I’ll take you up on that offer; ice cream sandwiches were pretty good, so another human delicacy can’t be that bad… I assume you want me to be your emotional support animal when you get back?” I patted Gengar on the head as we walked down stairs.

“Well, I would like to rub your belly, and I know you wouldn’t mind it at all. You’d probably want it after stuffing your… belly with pudding. If you have an actual stomach.”

“I do sir, but it’s rather small due to it being so underutilized; it’s like that for most changelings.” Gengar then started nudging me towards the door. “Now go take that walk, you’re tense, Bob.”

“Okay, Mom.”

“I thought the only thing you’d call ‘mommy’ is the Queen sir.” We both chuckled at that before I was forced out of my own home for my own good.

“Look Bob,” Twilight and her friends were still outside of my home, with Rainbow being the apparent leader for right now. “I know what I said was wrong.” They all looked about ready to confess their ‘we’re sorry’ speeches everyone gives at the end of some friendship-based show about how they’re sorry.

“And there goes the mood my roommate was trying to help me recover from. Rainbow, I don’t fucking care right now. I’m going on a walk; don’t follow me.” With that, I started walking away. “And AJ, my actual name’s Kevin. It’s dead to me, don’t use it, but there’s my actual name. Shoulda told you that the moment we became business partners. Happy farming or whatever. Go fuck yourselves, asshats..” I didn’t break stride while walking away.