So my day properly started when a couple of knocks at my door brought me out of my stupor. You see, I was just doing my usual pastime, which was sitting and letting Gengar sleep on my lap while I worked on an invention. This time, I was working on the cider squeezer so it would be better and get more cider per apple, adding ridges to the grinder itself (Gengar was proactive in his assistance for this one). I had the grinder nearly done and had it back in the machine. "Good work on this one, Gengar. You should have told me you were good at chiseling; it would have saved me some work when I decided to move away from the wooden wheel I was using to grind the apples up."

"Well, sir, we changelings need to be skilled in several aspects. In another time, I would be an artist that likes to work on statues to gain love from my adoring fans."

"Do you like doing art?" Gengar nodded. "Why didn’t you tell me? I could get you art supplies, marble, anything to create something with! You’re just as much my friend as you are my assistant, man. You need something to do other than allow me to pet you and help me with these stupid inventions."

"Sir, I do not mind. Serving you is an order from the Queen, and doing that order would be indirectly serving her."

"Well, serve me by allowing me to make you happy as well. You don’t just serve Chrysalis; you’re your own bug while you’re living here. While I would like to just pet you all day, you have hobbies that I’m sure you would love to indulge in. So take this as an order: If I do not need your assistance, and if you do not desire being petted, then go do something. Art, play an instrument, anything, dude. I’m making more than enough money." The knocking intensified. "It looks like our guests are getting impatient. Go in my room, grab some paper and a pen. Then go do art; you weren’t lying when you said you liked that, did you?"

"No sir, I love art... about your order?"

"I don’t need you right now, Gengar. Just go enjoy yourself." I swear that little changeling was on the brink of tears when he nodded and scampered upstairs. "And if you want colors to work with, I have a set of prototype markers for you to try!" I couldn’t help but notice Gengar’s tail wagged slightly faster upon being told about that. As the knocking became more constant, it reminded me that yes, people are waiting outside and want to annoy the shit out of me. So I walked to the door and opened it. Twilight and her friends were standing outside. "Well, c’mon in, I guess. Sorry about the wait; I was in the basement and only just now heard you guys at my door."

"That’s alright, Bob. Were you working on a new invention?"

"I was actually working on an innovation. Where I take an existing concept or improve upon it in a way nobody thought of before." I walked over to the kitchen and pointed to my new cider grinder. "This baby is a cider grinder. It’s meant to be a more at home type of thing, should you want to make your own cider at any point. No offense, AJ, your cider’s awesome, but I don’t like waiting in line for some. Plus you don’t spike your cider, and I want to try spiked cider during the season. Plus, I can make cider anytime."

"You aren’t planning on selling cider, are you?"

"No. I was going to sell you the design, I get royalties, and you sell it under your name. Say it only works with your apples, and boom, people buy one of these, and hopefully, you only use your apples with it.”

"Isn’t that lying?"

"Welcome to human business practices. There’s a company that literally just bottles water and makes food for people back on Earth. They pretend to be all nice, and then say that clean drinking water isn’t a right. In all honesty, though, this thing is just for me. I wasn’t planning on selling cider or getting more of these manufactured. I know you wouldn’t feel good about lying to your customers, and it would genuinely cut into your sales. I saved your ass from losing your business, and me selling these things would be a bit counterproductive." I opened a fridge, something else I made for myself, and grabbed an apple or two (seven). "So why are you guys here?"

"Well, you said you wanted to start our friendship anew, and treat you like a pony. So we’re here to invite you to a picnic!" I stuck the apples in the cider grinder and started pulling the lever to get it started. The next thing I knew, I had a nice jug of cider, and I stuck it into a carbonation machine to make it sparkle. Rainbow’s mouth was watering.

"I’m down. I made more pudding, this time with vanilla, and another batch in chocolate." I pointed at the jug. "And I guess I got cider too."

"Ah, I bet that cider doesn't taste anywhere near as good." Apple got a cup. "Of my family’s cider." Apple took a sip. "Ah be damned…"

"Yeah, I used your family’s apples in that cider. You think I’d use any other? I might’ve hated you not even a week ago, but the thing is, I can respect a product even if I hate the seller. And your apples are the best I’ve ever had. How’s the sparkling bit?"

"It’s like drinking apple flavored Sparkles." AJ hummed. "Can Ah commission one of these? It would make cider making easier."

"AJ, this cider is great for making just a jug. You need to make barrels of the stuff pretty much every day so you can sell it."

"Yer right. This is a neat invention, though. Ah’m shocked that you humans are so inventive; Ah’ve never seen a cider squeezer this small before." I walked over to the fridge and grabbed the pots of pudding, and a thing of vegetarian chili and emptied them all into picnic-basket-friendly containers (along with something to heat the chili up), and grabbed a picnic basket from the closet.

"Aight, I’m ready."

"What was that red stuff?"

"Family-secret chili... nah. It’s just chili I used to make when I felt like drowning myself in spices."

"The hay is chili?"

"Apple Jack, as your friend, I am shocked that you don’t know what that is. And I think you’ll love it, so let’s hurry up and go on that picnic, eh?"

We were in a nice little field, and I was letting the chili heat up, and keeping Rarity away from the pudding. "Rarity, act like a lady and wait until after the main course; you’ve got a sandwich, eat it first. Pudding is more of a dessert than a meal, after all."

"But…"

"No Rarity, act like a lady."

"Fine. I suppose it is unladylike to skip lunch and go straight for the desert, but- hey! You aren’t waiting!"

"You guys only packed flower sandwiches again. Plus, I’m not a lady. I’m some dumbass kid that likes sugar."

"You are not stupid, Bob." Twilight glared at me. "You’ve shown me solutions to problems I wouldn’t have even thought of!"

"Which were discovered by people before me. All I’m doing is regurgitating information and rebuilding somebody else’s idea. I’m not that smart; I just have a good memory. I’m sure in terms of raw intelligence, you lot probably have me beaten by a longshot."

"Bob, Apple Bloom is showing me equations Ah don’t even know. She says you tutored her.”

"Again, I’m just retelling information to somebody. Not a sign of intelligence." I checked the chili. "Oh, it’s warm," I used a ladle to take a sip. "Oh fuck, she’s hot!" I took the chili off the heater. "Fuck!" I started downing some cider to satiate my burning tongue. "Jesus fuck! That self warmer works way better than I thought it would!" I panted. "Okay, the tongue’s not on fire, or split in half. I’m good!" I chuckled. "See? I’m an idiot."

I began pouring bowls out, because everyone wanted to try some, I guess. I handed out silverware, split a loaf of bread, and distributed it among us.

"What’s the bread for?"

"Chili is simply better with bread. I would be dipping melts in my chili, but I don’t have that right now. So this’ll have to do." I opened up a bottle of seasoning I brought along with me, added it, and started going at it. "My god. It’s been so long since I’ve had a bowl of this stuff. I think I did a good job." Everyone hesitantly took a sip of their bowls, and their ears perked up. Apple Jack then started lapping her chili up like a dog. "Yo Spike," the baby dragon said, looking up at me.

"Yeah Bob?"

"Put some fish chunks in your chili. It’s amazing." I tossed a baggy of the stuff to him, and he did as suggested. His eyes widened, and like the adorable little thing he is, he started going wild on that shit.

"Bob, you should be a chef!" Rarity hummed. "As messy as this stuff is, I cannot deny that it tastes quite lovely."

"I don’t need to be a chef, and I wouldn’t want to be one, Rarity. I don’t like cooking for other people. I just happened to have a fuckload of chili because I was going to be eating that throughout the week. And my roommate really wants to eat whatever I’m eating for some reason. And by roommate, I mean my pet rock."

"Yer lyin’."

‘Aight fine. I have a roommate that’s incredibly shy; he nearly pissed himself and scampered upstairs when he heard you guys knocking on my door."

"Oh dear… I don’t think."

Spike burped up a scroll. He sighed, before putting his spoon back in the bowl, and starting to read. I don’t care enough to remember, but the gist of it was that Twilight has an older brother. That older brother is getting married, Twilight is shocked that her brother’s getting married, and wonders who the fuck Princess Mi Amore Cadenza is. Oh yeah, she sang about how close she and her brother were, and how she misses them. I couldn’t help but pat her on the back while she was slightly teary eyed.

I may not have a family that wants me, but I know how much it would hurt to be separated from them. Especially if Shining Armor was the only pony to actually matter to Twilight as a filly.

Anyway, all of Twilight’s friends were invited to attend and help with preparing the wedding. I had nothing to offer, but I was invited anyway. Apparently this Cadence bitch did her research, and simply wanted me to bring enough alcohol to get herself and her soon-to-be-husband fucking wasted on their honeymoon. I just stared blankly at Twilight after my job was done. "Am I even wanted at this wedding?"

"Oh, come on, Bob! You’re my best friend! I want you there!"

"I’m also a hairless, ugly monkey that likes meat. I know you wouldn’t mind me being there, but I don’t think your brother or his bride know what I look like." I shrugged. “Well, I had two barrels of vodka lying around. Guess I’ll bring those." With that, we all went home to get packed. I told Gengar what happened, and told him about the pot of chili in the fridge and the liquid love (yes, that exists) in a huge jug should he get hungry. I packed up pants, some nicer clothing, and a few shirts. I put those in a suitcase, got a wheelbarrow, and moved the vodka onto that. My suitcase was on my back, my booze was ready, and I had a stick of chocolate I decided to munch on while I waited at the tran station for everyone to show up.

It took them three hours to get ready for some fucking reason. When Spike, who looked as annoyed as I was, showed up, I looked him dead in the eyes. "Women back home take twelve years to get ready. How do mares, who don’t even need clothes, take twenty-four?" Spike just laughed, and I got kicked in the shin by AJ. No, my leg was not fully in one piece after she did that, and I spent the rest of the trip in the medical cart while screaming about putting me out of my misery with a shotgun.

I was not given such mercy.

So because of magic, my leg was healed for the most part, but I still needed crutches. I said I needed them, but I don’t think I would get them. "Ah’m sorry, Bob. Ah kinda forgot how fragile you humans are."

"I am going to jump off of Canterlot as soon as we get there…" I groaned. "Actually, let me bop the Princess on the nose first. Then I’ll kill myself." I grumbled while rubbing my sore leg. "Oi, can I get a crutch or something? I know my leg still ain’t good to walk on; it still fucking hurts!"

"We’re getting one ready for you, Mr. Bob. We don’t have any in your size on standby," the nurse read off a clipboard with absolutely no care at all. Damn you adorable assholes and your racism. Luckily, I didn’t have to wait long and was given a pair of crutches. Woohoo! Now I am only slightly and temporarily bruised.

"You could've not kicked me in the shin over a shitty joke. I mean… Spike liked it at least." I needed some help getting across carts without falling off and dying to death, but other than that, I was fully capable of moving around! I plopped my ass in a chair that was too small for it after swiping some vodka from the barrels I was supposed to give out as a wedding gift. "So, how’s the scenery?" Twilight and the rest of her friends were too excited over what jobs they were doing at the wedding to even notice that my leg got fucked in half.

"Good to see y’all are such loving and caring friends," I grumbled to myself as I downed the vodka. Yeah, that shit smashes, and feels good. My leg doesn’t feel as bad, at least. The train came to a sudden stop, and because God is dead, I went face first into the seat in front of me. This is why I don’t believe in any gods; because the one I do believe in is apparently an asshole. "God…"

"Bob, are you alright?" Twilight nudged me.

"No. My leg was only just broken, and my face just got smashed into something against my face's will. So I’m doing just fine." Twilight hit me with a beam and my face and leg felt better immediately. And I didn’t feel drunk either. "...You could've healed me that whole time?" Twilight nodded. "And instead, I got to scream about my leg and how much I want to kill myself because my leg got fucking kicked in by somebody who kicks trees for a living." Twilight rubbed the back of her head. So, of course, I picked her up and started cradling her. "And since AJ agreed to carry my shit, and you are cute, I’ll forgive you. But I’m going to carry you like this the whole time."

"I’m okay with that. Sorry about not healing you immediately; sometimes I forget that I’m more advanced in healing spells than some doctors."

"Meh. I’m not dead, so at least there’s that." I chuckled. "I still haven’t killed myself yet, so until that one thing that totally never happened, you six were actually doing a good job at giving me a reason to keep on going… the fuck?" There’s just a pink fish bowl. "Hey Twilight, I know I might still be drunk, so maybe there isn’t a globe over Canterlot, but uh… do you see that?" I looked around, with a very holdable mare in my arms. "Then again, this could be normal; I never really left Ponyville or my house."

"Oh! I noticed that a while ago! You just never got to look outside the train because you were in the medical cart the whole time!" Twilight nudged my hand with a hoof. "Rub that, please." I did as asked.

"Put my sister down, you monster!" I slumped slightly. "What did I say?"

"Oi dick, shut the fuck up. You didn’t tell your sister you were getting married until literally this fucking morning. Shut your whore mouth and catch up with your sister." I rolled Twilight around in my arms before putting her on her hooves. I looked around. "Oh hey! Y’all are using the crossbows I made! That’s awesome! It would've been nice to see them in action! While they weren’t pointed at me, but that’s still really fucking cool!" I was actually kind of giddy about that. "Glad Celestia gave the okay on those!"

"W-what?"

"Shut the fuck up and go hang out with your sister. I’m going to go get drunk somewhere." I sauntered off and sat under a tree nearby. Of course, I didn’t have anything to drink because AJ still had my barrels. So I just sort of sat there while I waited for them to get over their sister and brother moment, Some pink alicorn came out, and I just sat and watched as said alicorn dismissed the ‘best mare’.

Then she looked at me and did a double take before pretending to be too cool for me.

"Twilight, let’s just go make sure everything is going smoothly. This lady seems like a shithead." I picked Twilight up again. "So why the heck are you so grumpy all of a sudden? You were just hopping around adorably a second ago.

"That was my old foalsitter!" Oh. "And she forgot about me!"

"Would you feel better if I scratched your ears?" Twilight nodded. I did as such, but she was still having a case of grumpiness. "Twilight, sometimes people just forget friends. I know you probably don’t like the sound of it, but people change, grow, and forget. Maybe you just have to remind your foalsitter who you are. Though, I’m sure if you told her who you were, by name, then I think that bitch might’ve grown up into a cunt. Truly a remarkable evolution, but Pokemon did teach me that evolution isn’t always an improvement."

"Bob, what the buck are you talking about?"

"Don’t worry about it."

So I just followed (carried) Twilight to all the things she should be overseeing. Cadance, as she likes to be called according to Twilight. And then Cadance would happen to show up and do something apparently out of character. In all honesty, given how nice Twilight made her old foalsitter out to be, I am kind of surprised that she was being so rude or backhandedly an asshole. I would chalk that up to it being that time of the month, but ponies go into heat and don’t bleed once a month. It got bad because nobody really noticed aside from me and Twilight.

You know, she kind of acted like Chrysalis when I first met her. Except a bit more bitchy.

So it was around time for the practice wedding, and Twilight came bursting through the doors, proclaiming that Cadance was evil. Cadance ran out crying about her perfect day being ruined. Then we all left, except me. I simply patted Twilight on the back. The two of us sat in silence, Twilight was crying her eyes out into my shoulder. Cadance came back around Twilight and began to apologize, only to be swallowed up in green fire and dragged into the floor.

"Holy…"

"Do not take this the wrong way, Bob. I like you, I really do." Cadance was engulfed in a familiar green flame for a moment.

"Oh hey, Chrysalis. Did you just murder Twilight?" Yeah, I’m such a good friend. I watch my friend possibly die, and I can’t be bothered to sound scared or concerned for them.

"She is somewhere else. And I must send you to where I sent Twilight; I cannot have you jeopardize my plan." I was then promptly swallowed up in fire and landed on my ass.

"FUCK!" I broke my ass! Okay, not really, but my ass hurts. Twilight and another Cadance, probably the real one came running towards me. "Hey Twilight. I know what’s going on. I think an old friend of mine is doing something bumfuck retarded. So get me to her again, and I can probably talk her out of committing genocide."

"...You."

"Yeah, I know who’s posing as Pinky over here," I said, pointing to Cadance. "And I’m kind of surprised that she’s being an idiot right now; I thought she was smarter than this." Why is there an orchestra playing a wedding song in a minor key? Oh. Song magic. Cadance was singing what sounded like half of a song, while Chrysalis was probably singing the other half. We made it close to the exit until we managed to run into the bridesmaids. "Hey guys, just keep going ahead. I have a solution."

"But don’t we need you to ‘talk’ to Cadance’s imposter?"

I threw rocks at two of the bridesmaids and then noticed something important.I recognised one of them as Lyra. So I grabbed her, flipped her on her back, and pinched a spot on her neck. Boom, she’s sleeping. Actually, I just rubbed the fuck out of her belly, and she was just lying, twitching a leg, in pure bliss. I'm not that knowledgeable in pony pressure points.

When we finally got up to the cathedral, where the wedding was taking place, Twilight burst in, Cadance announced herself, and I just calmly walked right up to the fake Cadance. "Hey Chrysalis," I booped her on the nose. "Call off the plan, I have an idea."

"Bob, my plan isn’t compromised."

"You’re going to get yourself and every single changeling in your Hive killed, Chrysalis." Chrysalis then dropped her disguise. Celestia got ready to open up a can of whoopass. "Oi bitch," I glanced at Celestia. "Get your teets out of a twist, Sunny Ass. This nation is built on love and peace, right? Friendship, acceptance, all that fun shit, right? Get your racist ass in check, and let’s resolve this peacefully, alright?"

"Bob, that is a changeling."

"Yeah. I happen to be pretty good friends with some changelings. I know they need love to live, and I also know that there are ways to peacefully give out love. They could easily take any criminals you’ve got and forcefully drain them of love to sustain themselves." I glanced at Chrysalis. "And you are doing this? I thought you were smarter than this. This is fucking suicide for your Hive; Celestia, if she wanted to, could hold you ransom and commit genocide on your Hive, Chrysalis. I know you guys aren’t super well off, but there are much, much smarter options than storming the capital of the most powerful nation on the planet."

"I asked for help before and never received it."

"Well, guess the fuck what?" I glanced between the Queen and the Princess. "We’re all going to hold this wedding off for now. Then, we’ll go to a meeting room, and discuss politics and prevent massive amounts of death. I’m a friend to the changelings, and I don’t fully hate ponies despite how racist they all are. And if none of you guys listen, I will get you both drunk, and it will end with one of you dead, or both of you happily married. So call the wedding off, Celestia."

"You aren’t one to be ordering me around, young man."

"I’m a human being, we can be very dangerous, your highness. I see you eyeballing cannons I’ve made for you."

"I was going to say I have a thing for a stallion that is willing to give me, of all ponies, orders. My apologies to everypony, but the wedding will be postponed until further notice." Celestia glared at Chrysalis-

"Curve that racism, Celly." Celestia sighed.

"Let us discuss the terms and conditions for peace, okay, Queen Chrysalis?"

I side-eyed the Queen.

"Bob, you have to have balls of steel if you think ordering me around is wise…" Chrysalis nuzzled me. "You are lucky the two of us are friends. Let the negotiations commence, Celly." The two of them and I sauntered off. And Cadance and a very dizzy Shining Armor followed us as well.

Overall, this past week went well. I went through about three bottles of booze during the meetings.

Author's Note

And thus the peace treaties are underway!