Sitting in this meeting room is like a Mexican standoff. On one side of the table, Luna(yay, I am so glad to see you), Celestia, Shining Armor and Cadance sat. On the other, I was sitting next across from Celestia while Chrysalis was trying to climb on my lap. “No Chrysalis, bad.” I was not letting anyone lay in my lap, not Cadance, not Celestia, not Chrysalis. And Luna can stick her head in a meat grinder. “You almost committed genocide, you don’t get to lay in my lap.” I wagged a finger in front of her.

“Bob, I am not a dog. I can do as I please; I’m a Queen after all.”

“And I don’t believe in royalty, Chrysalis. I’m your friend simply because you’re one of the few people that treats me like a person. I’m not doing this just for you though. I don’t want there to be a genocide on either side of this conflict. Equestria is more than capable of ripping apart your Hive, Chryssy. And, while Equestria isn’t as powerful without the Elements, they also have a lot of military might backing them. I don’t have all fucking day, or all year, so swallow your god damn pride, apologize to the people you’ve wronged, and work with these people for a better future.”

“But-” I slapped Chrysalis in the face. “W-what?” Everyone in the room looked shocked. Oh yeah, for some stupid fucking reason, Twilight and her friends were allowed to be an audience to this whole thing.

“What the fuck did I get done saying? No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Fucking start negotiating. I don’t give a damn about your pride, I don’t care if you’re a Queen,” Chrysalis was rubbing her cheek while I shouted at her. I turned to the Equestrians in the room. “And don’t fucking think I’m leaving you retards unscathed either. Actually listen to Chrysalis, work through any terms she has for peace, and if you have a counter argument, it better be good. Yeah, she ruined your wedding, mind controlled one of you, and stuck two of you in some dark, spooky caves. But that is for personal vendettas, not politics. If anyone brings up what happens at the wedding, I will castrate you if you’re a guy, or just hit you in the face if you’re a girl.” Luna opened her mouth. “Shut the fuck up, Luna.”

“But-”

“I don’t wanna hear it. Now, I am going to go get alcohol so I can sit through this meeting without killing myself. If I don’t come back to you guys actually talking about something other than peace, terms and conditions for said peace, or reasonable arguments for said terms and conditions, then I’m slapping some bitches. These hands aren’t just for petting and scratching, after all.” I got up. “Aight, B.R.B!” I happily walked out and Twilight was quick to follow me.

“So is that who your roommate was?” Twilight’s disgust was palpable.

“No. One of her subjects is a roommate of mine. I kinda know how changelings changeling, and I know that, despite how scary they might look, they’re big softies that will be loyal to you if you give them a reason. No matter what, that changeling came through for me when I needed it. When I was depressed. After I was raped, he was there helping me feel better. I love changelings; they even helped build my house. So having them all wiped out would fucking suck. Just ignoring my personal interests, they can be very useful. Many of them have a wide range of skills that help them fit in, but they are also incredibly efficient with those skills. Just the changeling I’m talking about? He picked up on whatever human science that I could teach him pretty quickly, and even helped me experiment or build whatever I had in mind. They could be excellent spies due to their shapeshifting abilities too. On occasion, whenever you guys come in, Gengar, my changeling, is often hiding in plain sight in front of you without anyone noticing he’s even there.”

“But how are you friends with Chrysalis?”

“I rubbed her belly, she built me a house. I then massaged her a couple times after that.”

“Well… your belly rubs are a good argument for being friends with you. But how-”

“Chrysalis is actually pretty sweet when you get to know her. Like she got news of what Luna did to me. And Chrysalis immediately stopped by and made sure I was safe, and stuck around in case Luna showed up. Chrysalis, without a lot of love to fuel her, wouldn’t be able to fend off Luna. Chrysalis was putting herself on the line for me in order to keep me safe. And while she may not think it, what I’m trying to get done is what’s best for her. Her Hive will flourish if allied with Equestria, and she won’t possibly get killed for the mistakes she’s made today. Chrysalis is probably my best friend, Twilight. I’m sticking my neck out for her because that’s just what I do; I repay any kindness shown my way.”

Twilight just stood there agape.

“Now, let’s get back to the meeting. I just wanted to see if Cadance or Shining Armor would try something stupid.” We walked back in, and Chrysalis and Cadance were actually having a civil discussion over love.

“So your kind… needs love and you chose to use my wedding to get more of it?”

“Of course. I didn’t believe Equestria would help me after all my attempts to receive help were ignored. I gave up around two hundred years ago.”

“So that’s what those letters… Queen Chrysalis, had I known-”

“It is in the past now, Celestia. As Bob said, let us work for a better solution.”

“Glad to see y’all are being adults.” I plopped down next to Chrysalis and this time, let her climb up onto my lap after she shrunk herself down to about Twilight’s size. “So, are you guys going to begin discussing a treaty of some sort? I would like to be able to hang out with either Celly or Chryssy without possibly committing treason to either of their countries, y’know?”

“We were just about to begin discussing that. I believe Celestia offered to send prisoners she has out to my Hive, in exchange for any prisoners I may have, and then we can use those prisoners to gain more love from. Apparently Equestria has hundreds, if not thousands of criminals. Just a mere hundred would be enough to feed my Hive.”

“Coolio. Cadence didn’t make any off-handed remarks, right?”

“She made one. But then we began talking about the importance of love. We have different views, given that it’s a food source for me, but we do both value love. And that is something we might bond over shoulder Cadance ever forgive me for what I’ve done to her and her mate.” Chrysalis turned to said pink pony. “I would also like to apologize for what I have done to you. I was merely desperate to feed my people, all of whom happen to be my children. Bob is able to feed a sizeable amount of changelings by just petting them, but only one changeling in the whole Hive was given the privilege to receive such a luxury. The rest of them go hungry unless Bob needs something built, like a greenhouse.”

“I… I can tell how skinny you are-” a black blur broke through the window.

“Bob! Is- oh thank Chrysalis you’re alright!” Gengar stopped and looked at the Equestrian leaders in the room. “Oh…”

Luna’s horn lit up. “You hurt him, and I will build a nuke, Luna. I will set it off in the middle of Canterlot; you touch my ‘ling, and I kill everyone in Canterlot with a human invention that harnesses the same shit that powers your sister’s pet ball of gas. Do not fucking test me on this.” I looked down at Chrysalis. “I know you wanted to lay in my lap, but can I hold Gengar? I’ll rub your belly later if you do!”

“Hmmm. You are lucky that you make such a good argument. Gengar, you may claim your human’s lap if you desire.” Gengar did as such.

“So, you knew about this?” Gengar nodded. “You weren’t allowed to tell me, right?” Gengar’s ears flattened. “Meh. I’m still alive, which is a shame, but I’m here.” I started idly petting Gengar as the treaty was discussed…

Sike! You thought that things would go over that easily? No. Everything that I just told you, after I walked back in, was a lie. Everything before I walked out happened, and everything went to shit from there.

No, Cadance had Chrysalis in a headlock when I walked back in. I facepalmed so hard that I got brain damage. Like bro, if all I said had actually happened, I’d be at home by now! Celestia was just beating her head into the side of a wall while Luna just kept creepily staring at me. So I just walked over to Cadance, literally kicked her in the ass, and then slapped Chrysalis across the face. “How the fuck-“

“Cadance called me ugly!”

“Because you are!”

“I…” I started massaging my temples. “Please tell me, Celestia-“

“We were just about to begin discussing the peace treaty and then Cadance made an off hoof remark about how Chrysalis looked ugly because you can see her skeleton through her carapace.”

“Cadance… You do understand that that’s a sign of starvation, right? Chrysalis doesn’t want to look starved, or be considered ugly because she doesn’t have a stable source of fucking food. And before you argue with me over this, Chrysalis looks cooler than you do. But that’s besides the point. You’re a Princess, right? Crown, wings and horn? Princess. You should not be calling somebody fat or insulting somebody. That's a good way to start a war, Cadance.

“And Chrysalis, you should have-“

“She said my children should starve, Bob. She didn't just insult my appearance, she insulted my entire race and said that they should starve to death. That is why I lashed out at her.”

I looked at Celestia.

“She speaks the truth.”

“Cadance, what the actual fuck? Princess of Love right? How about you actually show love to everything that has a pulse? Yeah, Chrysalis crossed you, but…” I groaned. “I know you’re technically a ruler, Cadance, but do me a favor and go fuck yourself. All you’re doing is prolonging the negotiations and possible peace and making things worse for everyone involved. I don’t give a fuck, you ruin this, I will kill you. So either take your plaything and go fuck or some shit, or shut your ass up and don’t open your god damn, stupid, worthless mouth.”

“Bob! You don’t speak to a Princess like that!” Rarity shouted.

“Yeah! How are you even on Chrysalis’s-”

“Who was the only fucking creature in this room to not be fucking racist towards me?” I pointed a finger at Chrysalis. “She is. Chrysalis, can you admit that you done fucked up?” Everyone looked a tiny bit ashamed. “Also not letting a race of people starve seems like a good idea. Especially when that race of people happens to really like me for some reason.”

“I will admit that invading Canterlot, looking back on it now, was not the brightest of moves. Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, I would like to apologize to you and your groom. But please understand that food is quite unstable amongst my kind, and I know that my apology is falling upon deaf ears, but know my motives were not of ill intent; I need to feed my people, my children.” Everyone blinked a couple times, some of them seem shocked.

“Celestia, can you and Chrysalis go into a sideroom and go work out a treaty? Nothing will get done if somebody that’s clearly not experienced with this shit is handling it. You and Chrysalis are old and probably know your ways around peacefully talking, right?”

“That will be easy. The two of us were lovers at one point… then Celestia found out I was what I am.” Chrysalis gave Celestia a cheeky grin. “Perhaps we can live our younger days when all of this is over? I would not be opposed to dating again.”

“We will have to wait and see Chrysalis. I will be back, my little ponies and Bob.” Celestia got up, Chrysalis followed suit, and they were about to walk out the room. I swear I saw Chrysalis sneak a kiss or two from Celestia... They’re gonna be busy later.

“Also, Luna, if you touch Bob, I will kill you. I’m still running on all the love Shining Armor gave me, and I am more than capable,” Chrysalis growled. “And Bob, you owe me a belly rub for ordering me around.” With that, the two of them were gone.

“Aight, cool. Cadance, nice meeting you. I get you probably don’t usually act like this; you’re pissed and I get that. But letting an entire race of people starve to death because their leader does something stupid, that happens to harm you, is pretty terrible. So I’m gonna go find my changeling, hopefully he isn’t here, and I’m going to go ahead and get some shuteye. See y’all tomorrow!”

“Bob, how do we know you’re not a changeling?” Rainbow asked.

“Changelings can bleed, and their blood is green,” I grabbed the nearest sharp object. “Why is there a fork in a meeting room… But I don’t think Chrysalis would let one of her drones slap her. She cares about her subjects, they’re her god damn children, but she clearly likes to have some sort of power over them. Then again, due to how changelings are wired in the head, that makes sense since the Queen often comes first…” I threw the fork. “But Rainbow, if you need to know if I’m real or not, cool. Like it matters; if I were one or not, you probably just want a reason to kick me in the face.”

With that said, I left to go find my room, only to remember that I was never given one… if I was, I probably don’t remember. So I just wandered around aimlessly until I found myself a bench to sit on, possibly shit on, and then promptly sleep on. I sighed in relief; finally free from that stupid, hoard of bullshit! I reclined slightly. Then somebody sat their ass on my bench.

“Hello, Bob…” God dammit all.

“Hello, Moonbutt. The fuck are you here for?”

“I wanted to talk.”

“Cool. The last time you talked to me, I ended up in a very compromising position-“

“I wanted to ask this… Why did you paint me as the villain? I heard you moan in delight-“

“Luna, are you psychotic?”

“Heavens no! I was going to apologize to you. Perhaps I shouldn’t have tried opening up the first conversation I’ve had with you with such a horrible joke. Especially... When that joke is about the horrible thing I’ve done to you. Truly, back in my time, sex came first, then marriage and then love. The goal back then was to just pop foals out and go for it. So your letter… Look, I know I don’t deserve to be forgiven, but I hope that, at some point, you can at least forgive me.”

“Lemme guess. In my time, what I wrote must’ve been like a love letter?” Luna nodded. “You… Luna, I do not forgive you. If you just came and forced yourself on me, sure, I’d maybe forgive you. But I was begging you to stop. I was crying, Luna. I was scared for my fucking life, Luna. You kept on going! I know you were anti-social or whatever, I had to explain fun to you after all, but that’s a new level of just not understanding how people, or ponies, work.”

“I know…And I’m not even allowed to be talking to you.” Luna spread a wing. “Can we at least… try to move past this? Just pretend this never happened? Adjusting to a newer time… is hard. I’m sure you can relate, can’t you? Being stuck in what is essentially an alien world and being forced to adjust? My archaic beliefs got me to think that what I did to you was okay! I-I… I don’t care if I lose my crown, I do not care if I have to go public with this Bob. I just want my friend back. You’re my first friend… And I ruined our friendship by being such an idiot!”

“Luna,” I cupped her cheek in a hand, before making her face me. She was crying. She looked… Actually pretty upset over what happened. That’s surprising given how she was acting just after doing... what she had done to me. And also despite her you know, not being on the receiving end of what happened. “I don’t think I can, or ever will forgive you for what you did. You’ve hurt me in a way that is unhealable. I… I know it’s hard to adjust to a world that’s so familiar yet different. I would, honestly say, I loved having you as a friend when we were friends.

“You will have to work damn hard to prove that we should be friends again. That I should consider forgetting this, and move on. I won’t be your friend, not anytime soon, but I won’t be openly hostile with you, Luna. If you can prove that you have changed and not mentally fucked up in the head, cool. If not, then… Good luck getting me to even talk to you.”

“Okay Bob… Can you-“

“I’m not petting you. That’s reserved for ponies I am friends with. Good day to you, Princess.” Luna just sat there in silence as I walked away. If I turned around, I’d probably see a crying mare, and find it incredibly hard not to forgive her. So I wouldn’t and won’t ever turn around to face her; I still don’t want Luna back in my life just yet. Not after what she had done to me. She spilt blood that can never be put back.

Don’t expect any sympathy from me, Luna.

Author's Note

should I find some way to redeem Luna? Personally, I’m leaning to ‘no’.