After acting as a pony bed for Golden Arrow, his mother allowed him to follow me around for the rest of the tour. Though the tour was practically over given how simple of a town Ponyville was. Most of the ponies were still giving me glares, side eyes, and a minty unicorn look at me with a ‘shocked’ look before running in the other direction while screaming about how anthropology isn’t a lie. Whatever the fuck that implies concerns me given that it didn’t take a genius to tell that it might have to do with me.

For some stupid reason, instead of going back home, Twilight figured it’d be a good idea to keep walking around town with me, along with her friends. Of course, I didn’t object; they were nice people. So I went along with it so I wouldn’t let them feel so bad. I didn’t so much as speak unless I was asked a question, or Golden Arrow did something adorable that I simply couldn’t ignore or smile and point out. Of course, it embarrassed the colt when I did, so I kept doing it. Embarrass your kids; it teaches them humility. Or would it be ponility because they’re ponies?

“So Bob, how are you liking Ponyville so far?” Twilight asked.

“If I grew up as a pony, I’d probably love it for how peaceful it is. Since I’m not, I can only remember that this is the sorta place I wanted to move to after I retire. If I could retire; with how my world was heading, I’d be lucky to even retire after working for fifty years. Still, this place is pretty cool even if it does kinda sting knowing that any plans I had for the future were kinda flushed down a toilet.”

“I… I’m still sorry about that.”

“Eh, not much you can do. Sending me back home is borderline impossible, right?”

“That’s what Princess Celestia said.”

“With that said, I don’t hate you for it. At the very least, you’ve been trying to accommodate me, and I can tell you’re not a bad person. I just happened to be the poor bastard that got sucked up by that spell you were experimenting with, so that sucks.” I placed a hand between her ears. “Also we humans have this fun thing, where if we deem something cute enough, we literally cannot get mad at them. For reference, we consider wolves, sometimes tigers, anything that might possibly be dangerous and lethal, cute.”

“What does that mean?” Rarity asked.

“Twilight’s fucking adorable,” I couldn’t help but grin when Twilight’s face was suddenly pinkish. “Like you ponies do not get the right to be so fucking cute. Golden’s cuteness levels are so high that I’m surprised I haven’t had heartburn from how sweet he is.”

“I’m not cute! I’m cool!” Golden growled. It was meant to be scary.

Nah, it made him sound more adorable.

I scratched Twilight for a few seconds and she sighed in pure relaxation until she was sighing in disappointment. Our little group kept on walking until eventually we found ourselves outside of Sugarcube Corner. Surprisingly, it was already getting pretty dark, which helped give me a nice view of what was happening through just the lights of the building(and the sounds of the building). There was a party going on; that made me smile a little bit. Pinkie walked out of the building and waved at us.

“Hey Bob! Welcome to your party! Come on in!” Pinkie led our group in, where most of us split up to go enjoy the party while Twilight stuck around to keep me company. In the corner, I could see Spike going to town on some gem cupcakes that happened to be on the snack table. Ponies all about who were previously chatting were now staring at me. The DJ, who was a white unicorn with some goggles on, fully stopped the music as soon as I walked in and even they were staring at me. I was about to raise my hand to wave but figured that was probably a bad idea.

Especially since everyone in the room was giving the stink eye. “C’mon everypony! Is silently threatening humans truly how we should be spending the first ‘human party’ in all of Equestria?” Pinkie asked. Of course, somehow, some way, that managed to get everyone to not stare at me and the music resumed playing. So I just stuck to the corners of the room because everyone seemed to part like the red sea when I walked by. Like it’s like I had some sorta plague and I was supposed to be quarantining.

Of course, Twilight followed me to that corner. Along with Pinkie for some reason. “So Bob, how are you liking your party?”

“I don’t think anyone wants me here. I’ve been around the block a few times and I can read a room kinda well. Usually when everyone gives somebody, who’s different from everyone else, the stink eye, that’s probably a good sign of racism. Or that they just don’t like you. It’s a cool party, my first party at that, but I dunno if I can properly enjoy it.” Pinkie then handed me some fruit punch and I smelled it. I shrugged at the weird smell and drank it. “Usually though, when I do manage to go to a party, I just hang around the corner with a can of Pepsi…”

“What’s that?’” Pinkie asked, completely ignoring the part about the party somehow.

“I just had an idea to make bank. Pinkie, can I buy a bag of sugar even while the party’s going?” Before I could even question what the fuck Pinkie did while running off, she came back with a bag of sugar. “Cool. When the party’s over I’m gonna go ahead and start experimenting with a recipe for a drink that’ll be awesome at parties.” I stood up and cracked a shoulder. “Well, I might as well try to enjoy the party. Thanks for throwing this for me, Pinks.” I think Pinkie had a heart attack over my little nickname for her.

I started making rounds around the room, occasionally a pony would actually stop me and have a friendly conversation about what I am, who I am, and what my personal interests are. Because I’m not a very interesting person, I couldn’t really talk about that third one, and it definitely didn’t help that I’m horribly socially awkward. Luckily, I managed to pretend to be interesting and not socially awkward, and even caught wind that I was legally Twilight’s pet human. That’s fun; I’m a horse’s property.

Hell, one of them thought I couldn’t talk and tried to pet me on passing. So I flipped them on their back and started tickling the shit out of them. Once I thoroughly violated their belly with my hands, I got up to walk away, only for the pony to ask for more belly rubs because they felt good apparently. So that’s how I spent a good hour, being at the end of a line for ‘free belly rubs’. “Come one, come all, I will rub your belly, and it might feel good,” I said unenthusiastically as I rubbed some mare's belly until she fell asleep.

I’m dead inside.

Eventually I snuck away from the ‘petting booth’ and found Golden Arrow. At first I was gonna let him ‘hangout with his friends’ because he was surrounded by a whole two fillies. Then that turned out to be a really bad idea since Golden looked like he was backing away in fear, which didn’t sit right with me. As I got closer I could hear the little bitch with a tiara make use of the term ‘blank flank’ as an insult. I may not be a pony, but I can safely assume that’s a really mean insult.

“Oi!” I picked Golden Arrow up. “Why the fuck are you bullying somebody at a party of all places?”

“Oh, so the hairless monkey comes to the defense of a blank flank. I suppose it-”

“Shut the fuck up you stupid shit. Like fuck, this is a god damn party where people come to enjoy themselves. And you’re making somebody’s time worse than it should be at a place like this.” I could feel Golden Arrow’s tears stain my shirt. “Tell me, what about being a blank flank is so bad?”

“Cutie marks define a pony,” Golden Arrow whispered.

“Ah, I see,” the little bitch had a tiara cutie mark. “So she’s making fun of people who have the potential to actually have talent, rather than being a retard who managed to finally figure out how to put a fake tiara on her head. What a class A bitch, eh Golden?” The colt giggled a little bit at that. Now he was just laying his head on my neck. “So, lemme guess, your name’s Diamond Tiara because you’re just that much of a basic bitch?”

At that point, Diamond Tiara was crying her eyes out.

“What? If you’re gonna dish it out, you best be able to take it. I don’t fucking tolerate bullying as is, especially at a place where people are supposed to feel good about themselves. Now fuck off before I do something your father should do; beat your ass with a fucking belt.” Diamond Tiara and her friend’s ears flattened against their heads as they ran away. After that, I found a chair in the corner of the room and did… Well, I sat in it. It’s a fucking chair. What the fuck do you think I did with it? Shoved it up my ass?

“So, how are you feeling kiddo?” I asked, holding Golden like a puppy. He was surprisingly heavy, but given that he was a baby, miniature horse, that made some sense.

“I-I don’t like being called a blank flank. Nopony does! It-” I booped him on the nose. “Wha?”

“Hey, think of it like this, a blank flank is like a blank canvas. Sure, it might look boring and uninteresting, but think of it like this: A blank canvas has unlimited potential. You can make it whatever you want, a nice beach, a locomotive, anything. You can do whatever you like with it, like you can with yourself. You can find a cutie mark that you want. Diamond Tiara’s just a class A bitch that is the type of painter to crumple up their canvas because they can’t help it turn into the very thing the canvas wishes to be… Something.” I patted Golden another couple of times.

“I… I think that makes sense. So I still have a chance to be something cool?”

“Of course. Don’t let some shithead, who’ll probably grow up as the town bicycle, tell you that you’re worthless when her only talent is literally wearing a stupid, fake crown. On top of that, you’re a sweet kid, which already makes you a better pers-pony.” I continued to hold Golden Arrow like that. And when I started scratching the back of his head, I learnt that ponies could purr. You do not understand how fucking cute that is.

And that’s how I spent the rest of the party, scratching a colt who just got bullied. And by the end of it, I had a sleeping foal; even his snores were adorable. What the fuck, god? You put me in a land of sentient ponies, and decide to make them overly fucking adorable? At least they like petting, so I can at least do that. They are also stupidly soft and squishy apparently. Or that’s just Golden’s baby fat.

Anyways, I had to ask for directions to the kid’s house, and dropped him off to his mother. She was beyond happy to see him, where I learnt that Mrs. Arrow was actually a Ms. Arrow… I couldn’t help but hug her when she told me that. Look, she looked really sad, and the hug made her feel better.

The next day, I slaved away for a few hours in the basement, bootlegging together the recipe for Pepsi. Minus the food coloring. It was fucking torturous to reverse engineer the recipe, but I did it eventually. Of course, I couldn’t be left alone for too long in the basement without somebody questioning if I wasn’t straight, so Twilight Sparkle walked in after flipping on a lamp that was of my design.

“You know, I will never get over that. It makes the basement so much brighter and less scary!” I didn’t look up, making sure I wrote this recipe down before I slit my wrists. I accidentally made Coke instead of Pepsi, which is a slight success, so that’s pretty damn cool. “Bob? Are you alright?” I looked up, and the apparent lack of sleep that I had was pretty obvious judging from how Twilight flinched.

“I’ve been up since fucking yesterday.” I lifted up a piece of paper with the coke recipe. My hands were shaking. “But I made a beverage from home. It took a while since I don’t have caffeine to work with,” I sighed. I then lifted up a flask of clear, bubbly liquid. “Wanna give it a try? It’s pretty weird, but it’s fun.” Twilight cocked her head to the side.

“Well, if humans drink it all the time, it can’t be that bad!” Twilight took the flask in her magic before taking an unladylike swig of it. “That… is weird,” Twilight hummed before taking another sip. “But it’s really fun! Even if it does kinda sting my throat on the way down.” Before I knew it, she downed the whole thing.

“It’s a good thing that I made a barrel of that stuff… It was still good though? Nothing wrong with the taste?”

“Nope! It tasted pretty good and… kind of addictive. It’s like drinking sparkling apple cider, but without the apple taste.”

“Cool. I can flavor that with various fruits like apples, grapes, oranges if you have them. I’m surprised that this stuff’s even remotely addictive; yeah, there’s a lot of sugar in there, but surely you guys can’t get drunk on that shit. Though your body does like sugar, and will do a lot of things for sugar even if sugar is really bad for your body.”

“It’s not the sugar that’s addicting. It’s the… bubbles.”

“Ah, the carbonation. Yeah, that’s the main reason why people back at home liked coke. If the ‘bite’, the feeling when the carbonation hits the back of your throat is too strong, I had this other idea planned called Pepsi, which is like a sweeter bootlegged version of Coke.”

“That could be good. Want any help? I’m sure Pinkie or Apple Jack could help you out with finding the exact taste you’re looking for.”

“Nah. I’ve been struggling with this the whole day and it’s actually pretty fun to be struggling with this thing. Struggling is pretty fun sometimes. Especially when it’s something the human mind loves. Considering I just gotta add more sugar and less carbonation for Pepsi, I think I can make Pepsi right now,” to prove my point, I made another bottle while showing Twilight the process, before coming out with another barrel. I poured myself a mug, something I’m surprised that ponies have given that they don’t have hands, and took a sip.

“Well, that’s a bootleg, sweeter Coke. I think I’m good to sell the recipe and start making money so I can do things.” I let Twilight take a sip; she preferred my bootleg Coke over my bootleg Pepsi. What a bitch. “Can you get your friends so they can taste test this? I’ve got three barrels of Coke and a barrel of Pepsi. I’m probably gonna just call them Sparkles and Sparkles Light in reference to how I made them in the Sparkle’s basement.”

“I… I guess that’s a name. At least it isn’t copyrighted.” Twilight began staring off into space for a moment. “Well, I’ll go get our friends and we can taste test it. I’m sure Rainbow Dash would be down to try something new. And then we can all go on a picnic that we were planning on going on anyway!” Twilight happily trotted upstairs and that was that. At some point, I found myself sitting at a table in the library reading another book in the Daring Do series, because apparently it had more sequels than Alpha and Omega.

Unlike Alpha and Omega, Daring Do’s sequels actually seemed to improve with each installment to the point where I actually preferred some of it over an Idiana Jones movie. As somebody who never watched any amount of Indiana Jones, that should speak volumes of my praise for Daring Do. It also probably helped that I was mind numbingly bored without a computer with music and porn on it, Or the fact that I left my phone on my nightstand before being dragged into this colorful hell hole.

At least the ponies are kinda cute, and I think I earned the right to hold Golden Arrow whenever I see him. So I get to hold one of said cute ponies. “Hey Bob,” I looked up to see Spike poking one of the barrels of Sparkles with a claw. “What are these?”

“Something I plan on selling at some point. If you wanna have a taste, go get a cup from the kitchen, and then hold it under the spout. I’ll show you what to do from there.” Yes, I took the time to engineer something to make removing liquid from a barrel easier, and yes, I am going to sell that too. An Entrepreneur born in 1964, who’s now a CEO, will look like he has a peasant’s money by the time I’m done selling shit. Hell, I can probably do something similar to what that guy did.

Anyways, Spike walked off to the kitchen just as five familiar mares, along with three fillies I haven’t met yet, tailed in from behind Twilight. “Howdy,” I folded the corner of a page to mark it, and put it down on the table. “Did Twilight tell you guys about why you were coming here?”

“You’re taste testing something,” Rainbow grinned. “So where’s the food we’re taste testing.”

“Well, unless you want my sausage, you aren’t taste testing food.” Everyone gawked at that. Well, except Rainbow, she just snickered before she glared at me. I walked over to the barrel of Sparkles and Sparkles Lite. “I made some beverages from back home, mostly to sell, but also because I just wanted to at least have a comfort of the world I left.” Spike came out with a bunch of cups. “I thought you were just grabbing a cup for yourself.”

“You said you were doing a taste test, so I grabbed a few extra cups.”

“Smart kid,” I noogied Spike. He swatted at my hand. “And also thank you,” I took a cup. “Anyone wanna try it?”

“Cutie Mark Crusaders Taste Testing Cutie Marks YAYY!” Before I knew it, the three fillies had three cups in their hooves, and each downed a full cup of both of each drink.

“Weird texture.”

“Good taste.”

“It’s good!”

“Did we get our cutie marks?” the Orange pegasus asked.

“Nope. Though shouldn’t you guys be doing stuff you enjoy if you want your cutie marks? From what I can understand, that’s how you get them.”

“Well, we initially came for free food. The idea of getting a cutie mark came secondly… Can we try to capture you later for a human catching cutie mark?” the unicorn asked. I looked to the adults in the room and mouthed ‘what the fresh, flying fuck’ and they just shrugged. “We can also do human lobotomy for a cutie mark. Twilight, can we lobotomize your human?”

“Don’t mind Sweetie Belle, Bob-”

“She just asked to poke the shit out of my brain for her own self actualisation! I’d say that’s something to be fucking mindful of!” I sighed. “Also Twilight, if you let them lobotomize me and give me a mental illness, I will commit genocide on Ponyville. I want to die, but I prefer having a brain that doesn’t have needles poking it at random…” I sighed. “Anyone else?” Apple Jack shrugged before taking a sip.

“Wooee! That’s pretty tasty. Ah bet if Ah could mix some apples into this, it'd be a hit!”

“Go for it, and I can provide the Sparkles, the name of this stuff, you provide the apples. Boom, business partnership. You get a majority since you’ll be majority of selling, possibly marketing, and your apples. Making a barrel of these shit-taki mushrooms is pretty easy if you’ve got the recipe. Hence why I wrote the recipes down.”

“Ah wouldn’t say Ah won’t take yer offer, Bob. We can meet up later and work out the actual numbers later.”

“Sick. I just need money so I can get myself a house. Twilight, I love you and all, but a man loves his privacy. It’s kinda hard to get that when I live with a unicorn and a dragon.”

“But how will you rub my belly if you live in another house?” Everyone just stared blankly at her. Except me. I know what belly rubs do to ponies. “What? Those hands are bucking magical-” Apple Jack, Rainbow, and Rarity just started glaring at her. “Are magical, I tell you!” to empathize her point, I grabbed Apple Jack because she happened to be close by, and pulled her up on my lap.

“Ay what in tarnation- oh that feels nice…” Apple Jack was soon fast asleep after I started rubbing her belly.

“See?”

Anyways, one sleeping Apple Jack later, and a unanimous agreement that soda was an awesome thing, I had a business deal with Pinkie Pie. She got the recipe, and would be selling individual bottles of Sparkles and Sparkles Lite at Sugarcube Corner. Rarity said she would tell her rich friends in Canterlot to help with getting the word out. And I said I would make everyone a barrel of both sodas as a ‘thank you’ for taste testing it. Except the fillies, they had an extra cup and were bouncing off the fucking wall because of the sugar.

Rainbow Dash got addicted to that shit by the way.

Eventually, I was sitting on a picnic blanket, holding a sandwich with flowers in it. Of course, eating this thing would probably kill me, so I just sat and stared at it while everyone was enjoying themselves. My stomach grumbled due to the fact that I neglected eating food to make Sparkles. “Aren’t you gonna eat your sandwich?” Twilight asked. “If you’re hungry, you should eat.”

“Twilight. I thought it was pretty clear that I can’t eat flowers given that I ate a salad and started gagging the moment I put a flower in my mouth. Give a plate of beets, nuts, anything other than flowers, and I can eat it. I’d much prefer bacon or steak, but I know I’d be killing some very sentient and intelligent beings in order to fulfill that wish, so I’m down to be a vegetarian. I just can’t eat flowers. And I am not gonna be a vegan. Fuck those guys. Not literally, most of them are insufferable.”

“Oh. Sweet. Celestia! How could I forget!” Spike then pulled out a fish sandwich and handed it to me while Twilight was panicking. “You’re one of my best friends!” That’s pushing it, but sure, we are friends. “How-” before Twilight could continue panicking, I scarfed down my sandwich before snatching her up with my shark hands. “I’m sorry,” Twilight whispered as I held her in my lap. She was actually fucking crying over this… god dammit, now I feel bad. I started rubbing her back while she bawled her eyes out.

“Don’t worry about it. I used to grow up in a household where my parents actively didn’t make me food when I couldn’t cook at the ripe age of six. So off the bat, you’re better than my parents. Plus you house me, feed me, and let me fuck around in your lab, which is pretty cool of you.” Okay, maybe Twilight is my best friend. “You’re usually pretty chill until you have a manic episode. I forgive you, and let’s just forget this already.” I started stroking her back while Rarity just swooned.

“I would kill for a special somepony like you. Granted, it is weird since you’re legally Twilight’s pet, but it’s really sweet!” I blinked a couple times. If you were not me, you’d probably seed a loading bar as I contemplated what the fuck Rarity just said. “Bob?”

“Rarity, did you just imply that I’m Twilight’s boyfriend, or lover?” I asked.

“Yes. Is that bad?”

“Well for one thing, I literally can’t be attracted to Twilight. And despite my best efforts to remain distant, I do actually consider Twilight a friend at this point.” I looked down to see Twilight managed to fall asleep in my arms. Fuck, if my heart wasn’t melted already, it was liquid ‘holy fucking shit! Why the fuck are you so cute, you little shit?’. “I don’t think we’d even make a good couple. I doubt dating is the forefront of Twilight’s mind, and it certainly hasn’t been the forefront of mine.” I kept idly stroking Twilight’s back while she snored.

“Y’all are surprisingly close. If Ah didn’t know any better, Ah’d assume y’all were datin’.” Apple Jack pointed at Twilight. “Most mares don’t just fall asleep in any random stallion’s embrace. The last time Ah can remember doing that was with Big Mac when Ah was a filly, and Big Mac’s my older brother. At the very least, you are very important to Twilight.”

“I can’t imagine that I am. I’m not a very fun person to hangout with. And most of the time, Twilight and I are nerding out over some human invention that I can explain to her while I’m building it. Heck she’ll probably nerd the fuck out when I managed to make a calculator…” I shrugged. “Though I have to admit, it’s flattering and heartwarming to see that Twilight would actually willingly use me as a pony bed…” I started to wear a shit eating grin. “Though does that mean you wish to bed me, Apple Jack? If I recall correctly, you were sleeping my lap earlier.”

“Listen, you rubbed my belly, and apparently it’s really relaxing!” Apple’s face was red now. “A-ah don’t want to sleep with you or nothin’.”

“Adamantly denying it makes it seem like you want it,” my grin broke into a smile when Apple Jack groaned and buried her face in her hat.

“Pfft, I doubt belly rubs are that good,” Rainbow raised a hoof to her chest. “And it’s pretty uncool to- Bob, what are you doing?”

“You really shouldn’t have said a word when you’re sitting so close to me.” I was already scratching the back of Rainbow’s head. The cyan pegasus’s tongue started hanging out the side of her mouth as she was caught in pure bliss. A squeak from Fluttershy made me stop.

“Hey dude! I was just starting to enjoy that too!”

“Fluttershy’s jealous…” I picked up Twilight and laid her head on Rainbow. Almost immediately, Rainbow was blushing harder than Apple Jack… Ah, I see. Rainbow’s probably not straight, but whatever. I got on my knees, stretched on over, and soon had a very happy Fluttershy in my lap. “What the fuck? You’re so fucking soft!” I was honestly surprised, but it was a pleasant one.

“Hey! That looks fun! You’ve got a second hand. Pet me too!” Pinkie grabbed my hand after sitting down beside me… Pinkie was somehow softer, which was fun.

The next thing I knew, I was in a Pony Pile with everyone except Rarity and Apple Jack. The former just shook her head with a smile, while Apple Jack was too busy squealing into her hat to do anything else.

God help, these ponies are fucking heavy.

Author's Note

Pinkie will now be used as a reference for fluffiness.

A wild Fluffle Puff would be trillion Pinkies.

Fluttershy is seven million micro-pinkies. a strong contender for third fluffiest pony.