I’ve spent the last week making a bean bag. It’s one of those other things that I simply want as a comfort from home, but if I could sell a few bean bags for money, then that would be pretty cool. Instead of worrying about that though, I was about to go meet up with Apple Jack and Pinkie Pie to discuss the terms and conditions of them selling Sparkles, or my bootlegged versions of Coke and Pepsi. I even managed to bootleg together an orange soda, and since oranges are almost exclusively a summer thing, I would be selling that myself to see how ponies react to it. I grabbed a flask of the orange soda to sip on and slipped that into a flask holder I made, which was just a glorified belt.

So I got on my usual T-Shirt and shorts, because I had nothing else to wear and had to do my laundry every single day in my birthday suit, and walked out of the basement. The comfort of my bean bag will be tested later, since it’s using rice instead of memory foam, but I’m certain it’ll be worth it. It was a bit of a challenge to find a suitable material to hold the beanbag together, but sewing a tarp together and covering that with a softer material did the job nicely.

While walking through town, as I kinda forgot where Sugarcube Corner was, I managed to find Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo, or the Cutie Mark Crusaders doing some shit that I wanted no part in. so I immediately spun around, and noped the fuck into the other direction. After hearing some of the things they’ve managed to do, like burn down half of town with water(what the fuck?). I wanted nothing to do with that shit. Luckily, because god is dead, or a sadist, Sweetie Belle trotted up to me and tapped my leg with a hoof.

“Hello, Mr. Bob?”

“My fucking god,” I said under my breath. “Hey Sweetie Belle!” I knelt down. “What can I do for you?” I’m so fucking glad for having worked a summer job in fast food. You get really good at not telling somebody to go fuck themselves no matter how much you’d love to tell them to fuck off. On the brightside, the Crusaders were fucking adorable, so I couldn’t tell them to fuck off if I wanted to. At the very least I can flip them all on their back and distract them with a belly rub.

“We were wondering if you can help us with our pet sitting cute mark,” Apple Bloom’s accent really couldn’t be anymore adorable. “Or our science cutie marks. I heard about how yer a scientist or something. Maybe you can let us into your lab.”

“For one thing, I’m not some pet, so I can’t help you with being a pet to sit on. Also ‘my lab’ is Twilight’s. She just lets me use it because I end up making something that benefits you ponies. And I’m not so sure she’d want you in her lab. If you want, we can go ask, but I’m trying to go make a business deal with your sister. So that’ll have to wait.”

“Okay!” I couldn’t help but ruffle Apple Bloom’s mane.

I ended up carrying all three fillies to Sugarcube Corner because they demanded scratches from me. By the time I entered the bakery, my back was aching, but now I was lacking three fillies in my arms, because now they want their business negotiations cutie marks. Low and behold, Pinkie and Apple Jack were sitting at a table, along with the Cakes, Pinkie’s employers, happily chatting with each other. Upon seeing me, Pinkie happily waved, Apple Jack nodded, and the Cakes reacted like I was some kinda freak and just nervously smiled at me. You know, nice friend welcomes that made me feel welcomed.

“Sup,” I pulled up a chair and sat in it. What the fuck else was I gonna do after pulling it up? Jerk the chair off? Probably, I wouldn’t be surprised if chairs were sentient.

“Everything’s going well at the farm.”

“Cool. Pinkie?”

“I have another party planned if we end up making a deal,” Pinkie’s smile got even wider. Before the menace could open her mouth again, I booped her on the nose, and her face was somehow pinker than usual. I chuckled before reaching over and ruffling her mane… what a fucking mistake that was. I now have a lap Pinkie, which I suppose isn’t too bad of a fate, but ponies are heavy, and my legs are very fragile and my bones are glass.

Why do these ponies like cuddles and petting so much?

“So, how do we splittin’ the proceeds? I’ll take anything really; I’ll just be handing you guys the recipe and asking for a cut since I don’t think y’all wanna head to Twilight’s house and roll a barrel of seven up her basement’s stairs anyways, so I wouldn’t be using a lot of resources personally.”

“Ah’d say a sixty-forty split in mah favor,” Apple Jack said. “You did spend a lot of time making the recipe; Ah’ll just be flavoring it with apples and selling it. Does that sound like a good deal?”

“You shoulder counter offer! Sixty-forty in your favor! You didn’t eat or sleep until you got the recipes!” Apple Bloom shouted.

“Yeah!” Sweetie Belle chimed in.

“What’s a split?” Scootaloo asked.

“I’ll take that deal, AJ. it’s better than what I was expecting.” I woulda turned to the Cakes, but Pinkie’s fucking mane was in the way. “So what about you guys? You guys get the recipe and I’ll just take like ten percent of the profits. Sounds fair?” The three fillies started pouting when I ignored their advice.

“Shouldn’t we be discussing this with Twilight? She made Sparkles after all.” Mr. Cake, I fucking hate you now.

“No, she didn’t. I did, it’s a human commodity. If you’re implying I’m too fucking stupid to make business deals, which I am, or think the hard fucking work was that of another, I’ll call off the deal with you two. I can just ask AJ if she’d be willing to sell the regular flavors of Sparkles along with her flavored stuff. Same offer I was gonna give you guys.”

“He ain’t lying by the way,” Apple Jack said, sipping out of a flask that had Sparkles in it. I’m assuming she stopped by and got some point. Probably even got my permission if I wasn’t paying attention. “Ah can tell he ain’t lyin’ and looked about ready to pass out from how long he was in that basement.” My new business partner nodded at me. “Though Ah would also take you up on that offer as well. It would be smart to have extra flavors.”

“So, Mr. and Mrs. Cake. wanna take my offer? If not, no water under the bridge, but god will I look forward to finding a remote location outside of town to build a house at. You fuckers are more racist the the KKK. Just less violent.”

“Well… What’s the KKK?”

“White colored humans who do inhumane and violent things to humans that are dark brown. We aren’t here to talk about how fucked up the human race is though; we’re here to discuss business. I’ll give the recipe to Pinkie and she can do whatever the fuck she wants with it. AJ, I think you and I are gonna be great business partners even if I don’t and won’t know what the fuck I am doing during our partnership.”

“No worries, Bob, Ah’ll be fully transparent with you.”

“I suppose I should as well, and I’ll say it now. I’ve been holding back on my trade deal.” I pulled out the orange stuff. “This is another flavor of Sparkles that I made in my free time… Pinkie, can you please get off my lap? I can’t feel my legs.”

“But your lap is super duper comfy!”

“Please? I’ll let you lay in my lap all you want next time I see you.”

“Deal!” Pinkie nuzzled me before hopping off my lap and heading over to her seat.

“Anyways, this is what I’ve dubbed Oranged Sparkles, as the color implies, it was made with oranges. Personally speaking, Apple and Orange soda are the best flavors of soda, which is also partially why I’m making this deal. Whatever the fuck you slip into your apples makes them hella fuckin’ tasty,” Apple Jack puffed her chest out in what I assume is family pride. “This is a flavor of Sparkles I’ll be selling myself in my free time, or when I feel like it. I won’t be sharing the recipe for it any time soon.”

“That’s fair Ah suppose; I wouldn’t be sharing the recipe Ah’ll be using to flavor this stuff anyways. Ah would like to try some of that orange stuff. As much as Ah like apples, Ah can admit that oranges are quite nice.” I pulled out another flask and handed it to the farm pony and she immediately took a swig after yanking the cork out. How she did that without her teeth, or thumbs is something I can’t even begin to explain. “Wooee that is good. How much for a barrel?”

“How much are you willing to pay for a barrel? I don’t really understand how bits work.” At this point, the Cakes just went back to running their store.

“Ah’d pay about five bits for a barrel. It’s worth the taste.”

“So is that a lot?”

“You can feed yourself for five days with five bits.”

“Jesus.”

“Who’s dat?”

“Some asshole that’s dead to me. When I get back to Twilight’s place, I’ll make a barrel for you.” I slipped Apple the recipes for both versions of Sparkles, along with instructions to properly flavor them. “There’s that by the way; figured it’d be helpful to have that so our partnership would actually go somewhere.”

“That would be a pretty important part of our deal, Ah’d say. Though I have an extra term Ah’d like to add.” Oh god. “Scratch here please,” AJ took her hat off and pointed behind her ears. I did as asked. “That wasn’t the extra term; that was just bothering me the whole time and Ah wanted that taken care of.”

“Now I have another idea. It was good chattin’ with you. I’ve got a bean bag to test out.”

“What’s dat?”

“Wanna come find out? I can get you that barrel of orange soda while you learn the comforts that we humans like to partake in.”

“Alright.”

“Can we come?” The Crusaders asked. Wow, those fillies were somehow quiet after I made my trade deals.

“Sure.” With that, we all filed out of the building, except Pinkie, she had to work. Well, she disappeared after I handed her the recipe for Sparkles, so I can only assume she disappeared into the concept of time and space. We all kept on walking, well, the Crusaders decided to play tag with each other, and it was through this that Apple Jack is actually pretty good at holding a conversation.

“So, Bob, what’s yer real name?” AJ asked.

“...Why do you ask?”

“Ah doubt anypony would name their foal ‘Bob’. I also have a hard time believin’ yer name’s Bob when you sometimes you seem like you forgot yer name.”

“Well… My name definitely isn’t Bob. I’ve been called Bob in the past since it was a nickname, but it isn’t my actual name. I just didn’t feel like having my actual name be known; I didn’t know what the fuck Twilight wanted from me at the time, so I came up with a very creative name.” I shrugged. “Though I still don’t think I should give out my actual name. I trust you guys, but I don’t think my name particularly matters.”

“It would be nice to call you by yer actual name though.”

“It would be, but I don’t think it would matter when there’s approximately six ponies who will respect me enough to call me by name. So Bob it is!” I patted AJ on the name. “But seriously, it does mean a lot to me when you guys are willing to treat me like an actual person rather than an animal. I try my best to treat you guys like how I’d treat another human, but then y’all do something like demand scratches from me in order for us to be business partners.”

“Well, yer hands do wonders for when it comes to itching… Well, itches.”

When we walked inside, we immediately went down to the basement, to find Twilight Sparkle laying in my bean bag. “Hey Bob! Whatever the hay you just made feels really nice to lay on!” I just stared blankly at the unicorn before shrugging. “Bob? Is something wrong?”

“I just have a feeling that I’ll be making more bean bags… which I’m not mad about; everyone must know about bean bags. The only problem is…That bean bag as for me, and sewing a tarp together is hard, annoying, and kinda bloody. Like I’ve stabbed my hands like six or seven times with a needle while making just one of those things.”

“Wait… you’ve been hurting yourself and not coming to me to heal you?”

“Well, I already live in your basement, take up your only guest bedroom, and basically do nothing except occasionally put lunch together. I feel like I’d be asking too much if I were to ask you to kiss my boo boos to make them feel better. Though in all seriousness, that never crossed my mind, and also I never drew blood when poking myself with the needle. It hurt a lot, a lot more than stepping on a Lego Brick, but it hurt.”

“Next time just ask; I’d rather you not be in pain.”

“I will, Mom.”

“Anyways Apple Jack, this,” I pointed at the bean bag. “Is a bean bag. It’s very comfy and great for lazing about after a hard day’s work, or just for if you have a lazy day. Fortunately, my owner decided to take refuge in my bean bag, which was honestly gonna be my new bed.” Before I knew it, the Crusaders shoved Twilight off of the bean bag and all began sitting in it, which woulda been cute to watch since they would be cuddling… They were cuddling for five seconds and were now out for blood to keep the bean bag.

“It’s mine!” All three of them shouted while a dazed Twilight rubbed her head.

“Enough.” I shouted. Apple Bloom was five seconds away from bucking Scootaloo in the face. “That’s my bean bag. And my new bed. I’m going to be the one keeping it. If you want one, I can make you one, deal?”

“Fine…” the crusaders began to sulk upstairs.

“That won’t be the last you’ll hear about this,” Apple Jack chuckled. “Though Ah don’t get the appeal. How soft is it?” I bowed and stepped aside far the farm pony to enjoy the bean bag.

I had two bean bags commissioned. Twilight offered to pay me, but I refused to take money from the person that houses and feeds me on their dime. Apple Jack decided to pay two bits for one. So I made a deal with myself to finally go outside and buy more materials to make two bean bags tomorrow. For now, however, I could barely keep my eyes open, so I laid down on my bean bag and began to sleep. This was way better than those pony sized mattresses, which were big, but not very long; not very accommodating to my bean pole of a body.

In the middle of the night, I felt my mattress slip out from underneath me. In a jolt, I rolled on my stomach and got on my knees. From there, I noticed… Seriously? The crusaders, all wearing ski masks, were dragging my bean bag up the stairs while whisper-yelling at each other to shut up, hurry up, and to stop rustling my bean bag. Logically, I just sat there and waited for them to be out the door before getting up to just go use the guest bedroom again.

Twilight said I was always welcomed to it, and I was making more bean bags tomorrow anyways, so I didn’t care enough to chase those fillies. What can go wrong? Murphy ain’t a person in this realm, so what can bis stupid law do to me here?

Everything apparently.

So I woke up the next day, ate breakfast, chatted with Twilight over it, and taught Twilight the basics in the laws of physics. Overall, it was a good morning for me, but not my lap. Because Twilight wanted to learn and take notes while laying in my lap because she heard it was comfy. In other words, she just liked laying in my lap, and she was too cute to say no to. I didn’t mind even if I couldn’t feel my legs after an hour of note taking and note correcting.

I helped Spike clean the library a bit before going out to get the materials for the bean bag. For some reason the town was pretty empty, even the marketplace was kinda empty. Since everyone left their stalls unattended, I used some bits Twilight had lent me to grab the materials needed while leaving three of bits at each stand I raided for supplies. Was this legal? Probably not. Was anyone around to see? No. So if reality is fully based on one’s own perspective of what happened…

I did nothing wrong.

Eventually I found out why Ponyville felt so angry. Near the town hall, a huge group of ponies were crowded around a center point. Because I was taller than everyone, I got to see what was going on. There was a whole fucking battle royale between fillies, colts, stallions and mares. All of them were beating the fuck out of each other while my bean bag sat in the middle. The crusaders were actually working together, hitting other kids in the heads with chairs, rocks, anything really.

My jaw just hung as eventually
somebody managed to throw a flaming bottle that hit the town hall after missing its intended target. I closed my jaw, opened it again to speak, only to be at a loss for words… All I wanted was a bean bag. All I wanted was to have some human comforta in the comfort of my pony friend’s basement. My bootlegged soda was nice, and bean bags were cool. I just needed popcorn and a projector to enjoy myself. And instead, Ponyville was gonna burn down my bean bag.

Without another word, I decided I liked not dying in an angry mob. So I turned around and walked back to Twilight’s show and began working on three bean bags. Twilight and Apple got theirs, and were happy with them until the two of them, and the rest of their friends were called off to go deal with said mob. Hell, even Equestria’s fucking Royal Guards had to get involved.

Town hall was apparently burnt down, several houses had their windows smashed in, and the school house was partially scorched. How these ponies made molotovs without any alcohol was beyond me, but I didn’t want to ask why. So I helped with the clean up crew where I could and even made a few bros out of some of the guards while we took breaks in between fixing Ponyville.

Somehow, someway, nobody was charged with any crimes. Ponyville was fixed up after a week, and I still got myself a bean bag to lie in…. the carnage Ponyville went through just for me to have a bean bag wasn’t worth it. How the fuck did a bean bag even cause a mini-civil war in Ponyville? I don’t know.

Later that week, I had ten bean bags made since Twilight was hosting a sleepover that I was invited to. I even got to invite Golden Arrow, which was fun. Since we didn’t have enough bean bags, I’d have to share mine with that little colt, which I did not mind in the slightest. When everyone showed up, they couldn’t help but notice how eerily similar they were to the thing that caused the town hall to burn down, but didn’t complain about the comfort.

“So Golden, where were you during… this week’s earlier excitement?” I asked my favorite little colt while Twilight and her friends gossiped and gave each other makeovers at Rarity’s request.

“I… just stayed at home. Mom wanted me to help bake cookies, so that’s what we did. Did the ‘excitement’ have to do with all the Solar Guards being in town?” Golden Arrow asked. He snuggled into my chest as we laid in our shared bean bag. Spike had to share with Twilight despite there being enough bean bags to accommodate him and Golden Arrow.

Golden just wanted to cuddle, and Twilight wanted to cuddle her dragon.

“Kinda. Doesn’t matter anymore; it’s over at least…” I looked at the girls, who were now all staring at me with a newly traumatized Spike covered in makeup. “Kiddo, pretend to fall asleep in three, two, one, snore!” I dropped my head and curled around the equally terrified colt. If we fall asleep fast enough, we might not get punished with a face mask!

Intermission with Princess Celestia!

I could not believe my eyes when I read Twilight’s friendship report. About how it’s not good to fight over something that was highly coveted by everypony involved. What made me even more surprised was that that coveted item was a ‘human invention’ according to Twilight and not some sort of cursed object. I hummed as I read it over before being handed a letter from Mayor Mare.

Apparently whatever a ‘bean bag’ was, warranted burning down town hall and a schoolhouse… I swear, Ponyville was never this costly when it came to property damage until I sent Twilight to live in Ponyville. I cannot comprehend how my student’s presence could warrant the rise in damages, but I believe a certain human can be to blame for this set of damages…

Perhaps our conversation during Nightmare Night won’t be so friendly. Luckily, Nightmare Night was only a week away; my sister and I will meet Twilight’s new friend very soon…

“Sister! Have you heard these ‘love songs?’ they are absolutely atrocious!” I chuckled as Luna slammed open the doors and started yelling about chord progressions, lyrics, and all sorts of other things she hated about the genre... It was cute to watch her get so worked up over these things, so I let her get worked up over it.

Author's Note

Beans