Man in a Pony’s World

“And that is Nightmare Night!” Twilight said from behind a curtain. For some reason, she decided that I needed the concept of Nightmare Night explained to me. It is literally just Halloween but you happen to give a piece of candy to ‘Nightmare Moon,’ which is Luna’s alter-ego, that is a huge bitch. Twilight then poked her head from behind her curtain. “Are you trying to get a peek at me? It’s rude to watch a girl get changed, you know!” The purple unicorn was now adorning a wizard hat with bells on it along with a fake beard. Honestly, it was kinda cool looking, hence why I wanted to see what the rest of Twilight’s costume looked like.

And she made me come up here in order to explain to me what Nightmare Night was.

“Twilight, you’re naked all the time. You’re covered in fur. I’m a human person, who grew up thinking that wanting to fuck a horse is weird as hell. I can’t get sexually aroused by seeing you dress…” I simply shook my head. “Though I wish I knew what Nightmare Night was earlier. I might be a wee bit old to go collect candy, but I never got to celebrate my world’s equivalent. Woulda loved to put a costume on beforehand…” I chuckled. “I supposed I can go as a monkey. Just gotta put my birthday suit on, and boom! Shaved monkey!”

“That… that is disgusting.”

“Twilight, I woke up earlier this week with you cuddling me. I know you’ve seen me without a shirt on.”

“You looked very cuddleable!” Twilight shouted from behind her curtain. “Plus you weren’t complaining!”

“You’re a soft, fur covered animal that’s smarter than I am. You know how many guys would love to just do that? That’s why humans keep dogs around; we like fluffy animals.” Twilight stepped out from behind the curtain. Now the rest of her costume… just consisted of a cape with stars in it, which was… neat I guess. “Cool costume. Dunno what it is, probably some historically important unicorn that’s been gone for a whole minute.”

“Thanks… Do you even know who Starswirl the Bearded is?”

“Nope. Not a unicorn, can’t use magic, showed up in Equestria not even three weeks ago… Hey, that's a new record; I haven’t killed myself yet!”

“You, mister, are not killing yourself, ever.”

“Yeah, I know. I realize that you and your friends, for whatever reason, got attached to me. I can’t hurt y’all like that. Plus living in Equestria isn’t too bad,” I said as we walked downstairs. “So are we just handing out candy or what?” As soon as I found Spike, I had to wonder what the fuck went on in his head, to think that dressing up as a dragon made sense. So instead of asking why, I went to answer the door when somebody knocked on it. “Awww! Those costumes-”

“It’s a monster!” One of the fillies screamed. “Run while you can!”

“Hey now-”

“Sorry sir, our parents said we can’t talk to you.” My body sagged a little. I opened my mouth to speak, before sighing.

“You three don’t even want candy if I’m handing it out, don’tcha?”

“Well… our parents said you might’ve-” I slammed the door shut.

“Aight fuck it. Twilight, you can go enjoy your night, I’m gonna go invent alcohol and get fucking smashed-”

“But we were going to meet the Princesses tonight! Do you understand how important this night is? It’ll be Princess Luna’s first Nightmare Night, and it’ll be the first time Princess Celestia came out on Nightmare Night! And you’ll be meeting them as well. An alien meeting the Princesses for the first time!” Before I could protest, I was outside with Twilight(Spike stayed behind to hand out candy), so there went my plans for the night. Hopefully the Princesses aren’t as racist as their subjects.

Spoiler alert: One’s racism is very well concealed and the other is blunt as hell and also racist.

At some point we saw Pinkie, who dressed up as a chicken, and she even called me a monster. It was probably to get the foals, who she was trick-or-treating with, wild up. Even though I’m pretty sure they all genuinely believe that I am some sorta monster; though I’m more than likely to just hold and baby them than to ‘eat their bottom’. Mostly because eating a child’s ass is pretty disgusting, immoral, and probably illegal. Well, I’m not eighteen yet, but it’s still kinda fucked up.

So at some point, Twilight was muttering about how important Star Swirl the Bearded was as thunder made her jump. “Oh the looks on your faces!” I looked up at Rainbow wholly unimpressed. “Oh come on Bob! Lighten up! It was just a prank!”

“If I had any amount of time to prepare, I would hunt you down and scare the fuck out of you with a human invention. So instead, sit down for a bit and let me tell you about Micheal Myers.” Rainbow raised an eyebrow to that. By the time I was done, she was on the floor, curled up in a ball while I dragged on the story for a good twenty minutes. “Who knows… maybe I’m not the only human that Twilight dragged into Equestria… Maybe Micheal also came with me… He’ll be wearing your face next, Rainbow Dash. Oh shit, there he is!” I ran away screaming like I was about to get murdered and Rainbow did the same in the opposite direction.

“That was mean, Bob,” Twilight glared at me after I walked back over to her.

“Meh. I think it's Leatherface that wears other people’s faces. I always get my horror movie monsters mixed up. Just be lucky I didn’t explain was Slender Man was…” I looked up to see a chariot with bat ponies pulling it. Two hooded figures were riding in the chariot and it was supposed to be scary and stuff, with how lightning punctuated their movement and through the sky and even their landing. “Oh hey Satan and Antichrist! Didn’t expect you two, tonight!” I waved as both figures disembarked from the chariot. One stood roughly a head taller than Twilight, and the other was about as tall as I was.

“Luna, I believe we overdid our entrance.”

“But sister, ‘tis tradition…” Both figures took their hoods off. One was a fully-white furred horse wearing a crown with a rainbow mane that was giving the finger to physics. The other was a midnight blue pony with a mane with the night sky in it that was also giving the finger to physics. I could roughly make out wings under their cloaks, both had crowns, and horns. The white one had symbols on her regalia with the sun, while ‘Luna’ had, as her name implied, moon markings on hers.

“Hey Twilight, have fun with those two. I’m gonna go into that forest over yonder and see if I can’t find something to get high off my ass.”

“Going into the Everfree would be unwise, Bob,” the white one said.

“Meh. After living in a world where I almost got killed over the amount of ketchup I put on some dude’s sandwich at work, nothing seems that scary. Or having a mother that literally threatened to cut me with a rusty knife if I didn’t bring home good grades.”

“What!? You never told me that!” Twilight shouted.

“You never asked!” Judging by the white horse, who I could now assume to be Princess Celestia, was looking at me, I could tell that even she was mildly disturbed.

“Your mother… would cut you for not doing well in school?”

“Not the worst thing she’s done to me; my parents were assholes.” I bowed slightly. “Anyways, I’m gonna assume you’re Celestia, since you called that midget over there,” I pointed at Luna, “Luna.” I stood up straight before walking up to them, at arm’s length, before stopping. “Holy shit are you guys beautiful.” Up close I could see that both their eyes were magenta. And for horses, they were fucking cool looking. If it weren’t for the fact that both are probably capable of ripping my dick off, I would reach over and pet one of them.

“Did thou call us short!?” Luna shouted. Ow. my ears. “Well, we’ll have thou know that we are taller than the average pony! And at least we have fur unlike thou’s barren, ugly skin!”

“Man. And here I was about to say you look prettier than your sister. Or assuming that a Princess would be pretty accepting given that she apparently had to deal with griffons, or whatever the fuck.”

“Well, you do look… odd. I was expecting you to be a bit more dangerous looking,” Celestia said.

“Aight cool. I was gonna walk into this and try to be somewhat respectful, maybe joke around a bit, but if veiled and blunt racism are just gonna be a common theme today, then I’ll just go hide in Twilight’s basement and make shit to get drunk on. Or find Golden Arrow to see what he’s dressed up as. Hey Twilight,” the unicorn shook herself from her shocked expression. “Have fun with your teacher and her sister.” I turned to walk in the exact opposite direction of the Princesses.

“Wait!” I turned my head. “I’d like to… apologize if I offended you,” Celestia said. “Though you shouldn’t have called Luna short.”

“That was mostly a joke; Luna very clearly wasn’t joking and probably gave me hearing damage. Hell, she’s gorgeous. And I’m not saying that to cover my ass. Even I, a stupid human that looks funny, can tell you two are beautiful. However, given that most of town, that isn’t Twilight’s little friend group and a whole colt and said colt’s mother, seems to really not like me. I think I’m gonna spend the rest of my night just coming up with ways to recreate human inventions.”

“I was going to chat with you about making those illegal. I’ve heard how one of your inventions caused a lot of property damage.”

“It was a fucking bean bag. Something nice to lay down on, or sit in. It’s not my fault that ponies got addicted and caused arson over the one bean bag that I made.”

“I- that’s what a bean bag is?”

“Yeah. If I wanted to blow this town up, it wouldn’t be that hard. I would rather just have the commodities of my home, such as beverages and treats, or comforts like a bean bag- whoa, that is way too close.” Somehow, I didn’t notice that Luna was approaching me until her nose was right in my face.

“Thou finds us… beautiful?”

“Yeah. please get your nose out of your face.”

“Would thou like to… spend Nightmare Night with us?”

“Didn’t you literally call me ugly because I wasn’t a pony?”

“We apologize for calling thee that.”

“That sounds so genuine. I can tell by how you’ve been giving me a very unconcealed stink eye since you set your eyes on me.”

“A common house pet should not speak to its Princess like it is right now.”

“I cannot wait to move out of Equestria once I make enough bits. With some of my inventions, I already got enough to buy a house apparently and it’s only been a week. I sent plans for my bean bag to some company who’ll mass produce them and give me a cut too, so I’ll probably have enough money to go buy an island. Then I can get away from you racist assholes.”

“Fool! It is an honor that we even allow such a foul creature-”

“Luna, that is enough,” Celestia sounded calm, but I could tell she was mildly angry at her sister. “Mr. Bob just doesn’t understand friendship.” Bullshit.

“But sister! It speaks ill of our subjects and of us.”

“We humans literally used to lynch people that had a different skin tone from us. Fuck one guy killed six million people simply because they were a scapegoat for why his country was fucked after a war it lost. You ponies are far less violent in your racism, but it’s still racism. Fuck you both, eat a dick, whatever the shit. I hate you both already, way to make a first impression by the way. Oh look, I think I see Golden and Ms. Arrow. I’ll go hangout with them.”

With that, I turned around only to not be able to move.

“Firstly, Bob, I would like to apologize… on my sister and my little ponies’ behalf. Our nation is built on equality and we shouldn’t be treating you the way we are. And despite my own reservations, I shouldn’t have made any offhoof remarks about you.”

“Cool.”

“Perhaps we should start over,” Celestia offered me a hoof. “I am Princess Celestia.”

“Cool.” I took her hoof and shook it.

“Luna, introduce yourself to Mr. Bob please.”

“Do I have to?”

“Yes.”

Luna stuck a hand out. “We are Princess Luna, it is… nice to meet thou.”

“I’m Bob,” I couldn’t help but smirk at how Luna looked disgusted when I shook her hand. “So did you guys get two, large, soft mattress things in the mail at some point?”

“We did, yes.” Celestia answered.

“Cool. Those were bean bags that I made; Twilight asked if I could make those for you.”

“What? A foul creature like thee made that? How can something so stupid-”

“Man, you are doing a good job at earning my favor, your highness. I might even take my pocket knife and shove it in my jugular right now just to show my respect for you. Can I go now?”

Luna sighed. “Look, we are sorry for how we have been treating thou. It is… clear that thou is not a bad pony. It takes… effort to get over our prejudice. Can we be… friends?”

“Sure.”

“Really?” Luna looked so happy, so I gave my equally happy response.

“Sure.”

“Thou does not sound so sure.” Luna’s ears drooped a little… Fucking Ponies and their puppy eyes.

“Sure.”

“Ugh are thou- urk.”

I just booped Luna on the nose. I turned around to see Twilight running in the opposite direction. “So if we’re gonna be restarting for like, the tenth time since we’ve met ten minutes ago, I’m Bob. Nice to meet ya, you’re a pretty pony, Princess,” Luna actually started blushing. “Wanna be pals?” This time I was genuine. I can tell Luna is at least trying even if it’s not working out super well. I can respect the effort at least, so hopefully tenth time’s the charm.

“Yes! Our first friend! Sister, art thou proud?”

“Yes I am Luna,” Celestia simply chuckled. She then mouthed the words ‘thank you’ to me. “I believe it is about time we go enjoy Nightmare Night? I’m quite interested in how Ponyville celebrates it.”

“The human’s trying to eat Princess Luna! Run!” Pinkie shouted as a whole group of foals began running in the opposite direction.

“He is not eating me!”

“I could eat you out.”

“What?’

“Term for sex. My tongue in your backside.”

“Oh?” Luna was now bright red.

Celestia giggled. “You have an interesting way of talking to royalty, Bob.”

“The last royalty of, that my country had, got shot in the back of the head for being a huge bag of dicks. I don’t have respect for royals in my blood. You’ll have to earn my respect,” I said while leading them over the bridge. “After… what totally didn’t happen. But I won’t respect you because you have a title and position of power.” I wrapped an arm around Luna’s neck and she froze. “I can respect Luna for at least trying to get over her prejudice-”

Luna just nuzzled her head into my chest and continued on walking like nothing happened, leading me forward. She was dragging me along with her, which I honestly didn’t mind. “But not because she’s ruling over a country and has a crown on her head.” Luna then looked up at me in surprise. “You’re lucky that you’re also kinda adorable, Luna. or I wouldn;’t have been as forgiving as I was.”

“We are not cute.”

“Said the fluffy Princess.” Luna’s blush returned.

“You do understand that’s a way to flirt with mares, right?” Celestia asked.

“Oh… you do know I’m not hitting on you, right Lulu?”

“...Lulu?” Luna cocked her head before shaking it. “But I suppose it would be wrong of me to assume that you’re trying to court me. But you holding me like this sends mix signals… especially with how you’re stroking my neck.”

“What happened to the Royal We?”

“I’m talking to a friend, as a friend, not as a Princess.”

“Ah. You look a lot less offended about me touching your neck than when I shook your hoof.”

“This feels… nice.”

“Really? Let me try!” Celestia magically moved Luna and then I was suddenly on Celestia’s back. “Now rub my neck please.”

“Demandful, much?”

“That is not a word, young stallion.”

“It is where I’m from,” I said while stroking her neck.

“A Princess likes to be pampered every now and then. Twilight has gone into detail in her letters about how good your hands are for making a pony feel relaxed… She was correct in her assessment. Now I regret my prejudice even more now. Human hands are quite… nice,” Celestia purred. “Seriously, sorry about how Luna and I first treated you. You truly aren’t that bad even if you aren’t the most polite stallion in the world.”

“Care to forgive and forget? I was about to say pretty off the cuff things myself. Plus I don’t think I made too good of an impression at first anyways- whoa, what the-” now I was on Luna’s back. “The fuck?”

“My sister forgot that you are my human.”

“Wha in-“

“I want to be petted.”

“-Da fawk?”

“Now Luna, we can share the human, and take him from Twilight. I hear that belly rubs are quite lovely and there is currently only one human. Perhaps we can say Bob is ours now… however it is my turn with the human.”

“Oh hey apple bobbing!” I rolled off of Luna’’s back, fell on my ass, and ignored it so I could bother Apple Jack into letting me bob(hah!) for apples. The Princesses followed me at my heels.

“Howdy dere, Bob,” Apple Jack then bowed to both Princesses. “And howdyoudo, Princesses. Would you like to try out apple bobbing?”

“Hell yeah! I never got to do this when I was a kid!”

“Ah didn’t know you were a goat,” Apple Jack said with a smirk. I hate you, AJ. “But Ah suppose Ah can allow you to go bobbing after the Princesses. Let them have some fun first.”

“What is… fun?”

“How… Did you ever leave the castle? Ever?”

“We have not,” Luna dipped her head a little.

“Aight then, let’s have a competition, a friendly one. We’re going to be playing these games together, and whoever wins the most… gets nothing really. It’s all in good fun. And after we’re done, you can tell me what fun is.”

“Okay… can you hold our crown?” I nodded and put the crown on my head when I was given it. Twilight eventually found us while Apple Jack was explaining apple bobbing to the Princesses.

“You aren’t imprisoned in the Everfree yet?”

“Yeah. me and the Princesses came to an understanding. Now, we are willing to be friends for the sake of it. And once you get past the fact that they were being racist, they’re actually pretty cool… Aside from the fact that they might kidnap me after tonight, but whatever.”

“Buck!” Luna shouted, her mane was now drooping and not flowing due to… it being wet. Celestia was in a similar vein. I don’t think either of them got an apple.

“Oh come on guys, apple bobbing can’t be that hard,” I walked on over before putting Luna’s crown on her head wrong on purpose. I dunked my head in the water and nudged an apple with my chin into a wall. A moment later, I grabbed it with my teeth and pulled it out. “Now… Because I know AJ at this point, my prize is an apple?”

“Yup!” Apple Jack nodded. “Want another go?” I nodded.

I won eight more apples and a completely shocked face on everybody that was watching me. “How’d you do that?” Twilight asked.

“Physics. An apple can’t slip away from you when it’s underwater if it’s up against a wall, can it?”

“We demand a rematch. Thee must be cheating!” Luna pushed me aside, which allowed me to eat one of my apples. After being offered, Celestia and Twilight took two of the eight apples I won and ate them with one bite. Fuckin’ horses and their big mouthes. I could hear Luna’s muffled voice as she yelled at the apples that were likely alluding to her. It was kinda funny to watch a princess wiggle her ass in the air for all to see while screaming profanities at apples underwater.

Several colts and stallions were staring at said ass.

I grabbed Luna by the flanks and pulled her out before she accidentally suffocated. I then dunked my head in the water, nudged an apple against the wall of the bucket and directed Luna to it. She then submerged her head again, somehow without losing her crown despite having it underwater, and came out with the apple I moved for her. “Yes! Eat those apples, Bob! We are victorious.”

“Actually sister,” Luna turned to Celestia. “Bob still won. He won eight-” I pulled my head out of the water with another apple. “Nine apples.” I put five of the apples I won back in the water and kept the remaining three for myself.

“Curses!”

The next game we walked over to was darts. It ended with me coming in second. Celestia surprisingly got first while Luna came in dead last. At some point I got put in a dunk booth and got wet and was shivering like crazy. Logically, both sisters started fighting over who got to drape a wing over me to keep me from catching a cold. So Twilight took advantage of that by sitting next to me on the ground and cuddling against my shirtless body.

“Are you sure you don’t wanna bed me, T-Twi?” I shivered as I leaned into the fuzzy, warm horse next to me.

“Don’t make this weird, Bob…” Twilight sighed as she cuddled into my lap. “This is nice.”

“It is.” Celestia had Luna in a headlock while the two shouted at each other. We both watched as Luna pinned Celestia, vice versa, overall it was kinda funny to watch. Then they both paused mid wrestle and blinked a couple times.

“I feel a disturbance in the harmony,” Celestia and Luna slowly turned to me and Twilight. “Twilight, who said you could take the human?”

“...The law that says he’s my pet?” I would slap Twilight for that, but I know she knows better to think of me than a common house pet. Especially when I’m the one petting her.

“And Twilight is perfectly lap sized.” The next thing I knew, I had to filly sized Princesses in my lap while Twilight was trying to roll off her back and back onto her hooves.

“While we are in town, Twilight Sparkle, Bob is our human,” Luna sighed as she leaned into me.

“But you guys are now too s-small t-to k-keep me w-warm…” I started shivering again. Luna was then shoved off me, and I had a full sized Celestia to lean into. Celestia was way warmer than Luna or Twilight, so I felt nice and snuggly under her wing.

“Ah…”

“I believe I know which pony is the human’s favorite.”

“Twilight.”

“I will send you to the moon.”

“Cool. I always wanted to be an astronaut.”

“I’ll sit on you.”

“Ah, threaten me with a good time now?”

“You’re insufferable.”

“Cool.”

“I hate you.”

“Thanks Mom.”

“I thought your mother hated you.”

“Yeah, thanks Mom.”

“I… do you want to talk about your foalhood? There is no way somepony like you can be mentally stable after the few things I’ve heard of your mother.

“Course I’m not mentally stable. Still won’t talk about it.”

“That’s unhealthy,” Twilight said.

“Being alive isn’t healthy. There’s a strong case of death at some point during my life, and that isn’t healthy…” I got up. “Now let’s go play more carnival games-”

“Look everypony! Princess Celestia will finally take away Twilight’s awful pet!” Some random guy pointed at me.

“Shut up, fuckass. Betcha got a failed marriage to return to!” The stallion in question started running away while crying and sobbing about how accurate that was. Gladly nobody commented on my vicious verbal lashing. “Anywho, let’s go play some more carnival games. Those are pretty fun.”

“We think we know what fun is now,” Luna got up and rubbed up against me. “It’s a nice feeling we get from doing things… that said, let us go do more fun things!” Luna started off in some direction. And I found myself laying across Celestia’s back as she followed her sister.