Man in a Pony’s World

So now that I had met the Princesses a little over two weeks ago, my time in Ponyville really didn't get any better; it actually didn't improve at all and it was annoying. Legally, I am Twilight's pet still, but none of her friends, or Twilight herself treats me as such. So that's nice. Golden Arrow sometimes stops by the library to hangout, or just to get a free bottle of Sparkles, which I was all too happy to give. Hell, Ms. Arrow would sometimes come by and chat with me as well. It seems like she respects the hell out of me for keeping such a level head despite how everyone else in Ponyville treats me.

So logically, we were chatting over tea. Well, Ms. Arrow was having tea. Me, being a mature man-child, was sipping on some orange soda because that’s what any smart man-child does. “So here’s the plan. Golden’s been telling me about how his birthday’s coming up, and I made something cool for him.” I pulled out a box and opened it. “I asked Twilight to help me magically charge batteries… I know that kid of yours loves trains, so I made him a whole electric train set.” I opened the box and revealed the set. “It’s got tracks that can be taken apart and put together with ease; it’s got a remote too, works with magic that helps make the train work.”

“It looks well made too.” Venice whispered.

“Yeah, I managed to get the blacksmith to make me the parts, and put them together after telling me I was retrieving it for Twilight. I did ask Twilight to also cast a spell on it that makes it magic proof, so nobody can take it apart. And I doubt any colts or fillies are gonna be able to take apart solid steel. Plus if it breaks, nothing a screwdriver and a few spare parts can’t fix.”

“I still don’t get why you’re putting so much time and care into me and my little Arrow. I’m grateful that you’ve come up with such a wonderfully made gift, but I must ask.. Why?”

“Well, Golden likes me a lot, and you’re one of the few ponies in town that treats me like a friend rather than some dumb animal. This might make Golden happy, seeing his adorable little smile always brightens my day, and you get to see your kid be happy; what every parent should want for their children. It’s a win-win-win. Plus all the little colts and fillies will be jealous that Golden’s got such a cool toy that nobody else can get…” I shrugged. “I repay any kindness given to me tenfold. I’ve already got gifts for Twilight and her friends planned for ‘Hearth’s Warming’. This is mostly just my way of saying thank you for helping me not go mad with how I’m not even legally a person.”

“Well… thank you. I do expect that you’ll be at Golden’s birthday party, correct? It would make his day.”

“Like I’ll miss it. Just tell me a day and a place,” I pointed at my watch. “And I’ll be there.”

“You should know it’s tomorrow and ten. If Golden hasn’t already invited you, I would be surprised.”

I ruffled Venice’s mane and she gave me a playful glare. “You did a good job at raising that kid. Take the train set for now, and just say you found it in a really nice toyshop.”

“But shouldn’t you take credit for building the train? It is your creation after all.”

“Yeah, but Golden’ll think you’re the coolest Mom ever if you give him the coolest gift ever.”

Venice shook her head with a smile. “If it were not for the fact that you are very clear about not being attracted to ponies, I’d assume you would be trying to date me and get on my good side with favors.”

“Would I be doing a good job if that were the case?”

“Yes. If you were into ponies, I would give a relationship between the two of us a chance.” Venice got out of her chair and hopped up so she was halfway in my lap. “You’re a good stallion.”

“Nah. I’m just good at hiding the bad parts of me.”

“What bad qualities do you have?”

“I tickle cute mates.” Venice opened her mouth to question that before I ended up tickling the shit out of her. Despite her being much stronger than I am, that’s just how horses are, she still seemed to struggle to get away from me as I continued to tickle her ears, her hooves, anywhere I thought maybe ticklish for the fun of it. I continued to hold Venice while she caught her breath. “See? I’m evil.” Venice’s laugh was so fucking cute, that I couldn’t help doing something that made her laugh.

“Y-you… you are a monster. I-I,” Venice wheezed. “H-how did Cel-Celestia not-t drag y-you a-away yet?” Venice moved her head while I scratched her neck to allow me to get to the special spot that every pony I scratch seems to have. I don’t know where these spots are on every pony, but I know where Venice's special spot is. What do these secret spots do? Well, it feels good, and makes the target pony do the kicky leg.

“Because I bribed her with a ticket she can cash in at any time. The ticket demands that I have to help Celestia tickle the fuck out her sister.” I carefully rubbed the mare’s neck as she used my chest as a pillow. “You mares are always so god damn soft. It’s a crime that I can’t at least stroke all of you guys at least one time.” I chuckled. “Have you caught your breath yet?” I asked.

“Buck you.” Venice sighed in relief while I scratched her ears.

“Hey now, I don’t do ponies.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Yeah, yeah I do. You have things for humans.”

“You are quite childish.” Venice said as I moved to the floor to give her easier access to laying in my lap. “I do not know your age, however, so I guess I can’t judge.”

“Well, I’m about seventeen. And I couldn’t really ever be a child with how awful my parents were. Wouldn’t you like to just be silly every now and then if you never could be silly as a kid?”

“I suppose I would like to be silly every now and then even now… But you’re still legally a child? I thought you’d be older.”

“Again, I never really managed to have a childhood, so I usually act more mature out in public.”

The door swung open and Rarity and Twilight walked inside, chatting up a whole storm. Before their eyes fell on me and Venice. “My, my, Bob. I did not expect you to actually try having an affair with a mare. Especially not one so pretty!”

“What?”

“Venice is quite renowned around down for being very attractive, Bob. And I’d say you scored her.”

“Rarity, we are not dating. I’ve recently learnt that Bob is still legally a child. And even so, I wouldn’t force my friend into a relationship he wouldn’t be comfortable with.”

“But you two would be such a cute couple! Even the rest of our friends agree.”

“The rest of our friends also don’t see me as an animal, Rarity. I dunno how dating animals works in Equestria, but back at home, you’d be considered a freak if you looked at an animal and tried to date it. That doesn’t even take into account the morality behind doing that since most animals can’t consent.”

“But if you two love each other.”

“Rarity, please stop being a cunt,” every mare in the room gasped. “And stop trying to play matchmakers. I get that it might be fun or whatever, but sometimes it just seems like you’re sticking your nose up somebody else’s tail while your nose is already deep up your own.”

“How… When did you learn that phrase?” Rarity asked.

“Venice.” Both Twilight and Rarity then looked at Venice, who had still not moved from my lap.

“I explained what it meant in exchange, he told me a human phrase that was similar.”

“Get your head out of your ass.” Venice snickered. “Yes, I know, really funny with two different meanings,” I patted Venice’s back. “One of those are these lovely things.”

“And you say were aren’t dating. You just said my flanks are nice.”

“They’re really comfy.”

“I know. You’ve used me as a pillow before.”

“With how you two act,” Twilight pulled some romance books out. “You two might as well be dating.”

“Or just good friends. I say the same shit with you, and you don’t think I wanna have your children.” Twilight was now as red as a tomato. I took a swig of my soda before patting Venice. “Do you gotta do anything today?”

“Wanna get rid of me that badly?”

“No, but I know Golden’s about to be out of school. We should probably go pick him up.”

“Oh sweet Celestia! You’re right!” Venice got up, headbutted my stomach, and then caught me on my back when I fell over in pain. “Let’s go!” I was then promptly carried out of the building while groaning and complaining about how my stomach hurts from being fucking head butted in said stomach. Or yelping as my bruised stomach bounced up and down as Venice dashed across town towards where Cherilee, the town’s resident school owner and teacher, was temporarily holding class since her school building was still under reconstruction.

When we got there, Golden was getting bullied by Diamond Tiara again. So I rolled off Venice’s back, rubbed my bruised belly before stumbling on over. “Oi, Diamond Tiara,” I grunted. Both Diamond Tiara, and her friend, Silver Spoon, looked away from Golden, who was cowering in the corner in front of them. “Do I actually have to beat your ass in front of town square to get this message across?” I stomped forward, letting my anger be very clear for anyone that could see me. “Leave. Golden. Arrow. Alone. Do not speak to him. Okay?”

I walked past both fillies, with Venice close at my side, who made her own distaste for the fillies very apparent. I picked up Golden and he immediately started crying into my shoulder. “It’s alright kiddo, me and your Mom are here…” I whispered to the poor kid as I very unsubtly kicked dirt in Diamond Tiara’s mane, and started following Venice home. “I betcha that you’ll feel better when we begin planning your party. What do you say?

“I don’t want a party anymore. Everypony’s just going to pick on me because I don’t have a cutie mark.”

“I won’t.”

“But you can’t get a cutie mark! You aren’t a pony! You can’t understand what it’s like to be harassed over not being talented!” Golden pounded a hoof into my shoulder as he kept on crying. Both Venice and I shared a look. “Nopony likes a blank flank.”

“Golden, what did those fillies tell you?”

“That I’m worthless! That nopony’ll want to love me because I will never amount to anything. Want my proof? You’re the only thing that likes me and you’re a human!”

“Kiddo,” I sat down on a nearby bench. Ms. Arrow next to us. “Before I ended up in Equestria, I used to live in a place called Logan. A dead end, ran down, in the middle of Fuck All, USA. Every single person from that town was practically trapped there. The education was horrible, basically nowhere was hiring you. I lived every single day being told I’m worthless. Every single day was horrible. Not even my own mother supported me when I finally managed to get even the chance to enter a college where I could maybe make a name for myself.

“I know what it’s like to be hated by my own mother, Golden. You’ve got your mother, who I know loves you more than anything. And even if I’m not a pony, I love you kid. And I won’t get mad at you for what ya said; you’re clearly not thinking straight. But let these words sink in if nothing else. Whatever the hell somebody tells you, if they aren’t supporting you, they are not worth listening to. If you listen to them, it plants doubt in your brain. That doubt will stop you from taking opportunities that could lead into something huge for you. People, or ponies, who support you will help guide and shape you.” I hugged Golden tighter. “I know you’re capable of big things kiddo. And don’t just surround yourself with yesmen either; they aren’t true friends if they let you do something stupid.”

“But what if I don’t get a cutie mark?”

“Tell me, when do kids usually get their cutie marks?”

“About thirteen?”

“How old are you?”

Golden suddenly felt my gaze to not be interesting to look at. “Ten.”

“So really, you’ve got at least three years to get one. And while I can admit that I will never come close to understanding the importance of a cutie mark, I can tell you it’ll be one of the best days of your life…” I patted Golden on the back. “C’mon, let’s go plan your party. I know three fillies who won’t make fun of you for being a blank flank. And I know you’ll forget all not wanting a party when you see the present your mother got you.”

“Okay… can you come with me to school tomorrow? It’s show and tell anyways, and I know the other foals will leave me alone if you’re with me.”

“Will it make you happier?” Golden nodded. “Then count me in.”

“YAY!” Golden nuzzled into my hold.

“Now go with your mother, kid. I bet she’d love to spend your birthday’s eve with her favorite son.”

“Can we have a sleepover? Just you, me, and Mom?”

I looked at Venice. “I suppose if Mr. Bob agrees to it.”

“Sure, why the fuck not?”

“You best not end up in my bed, young man.”

“Ah, you even picked up on that saying I taught you earlier.”

When we got to Venice’s house, there were a couple bean bags lying around the living room. Venice opened up a side room, which turned out to be a storage room as she dragged out another bean bag. “I see my inventions have been running rampant,” I commented as Golden came back with a bottle of Sparkles. “Which is pretty cool.”

“Wait. you made these?” Venice asked as she laid down on the new bean bag she had just pulled out.

“Yup. Made that stuff your kid’s drinking too. Technically those were invented by other humans; I just learnt how to recreate them and got some big production companies to handle making them. Or Apple Jack when it comes to selling food or drink products like Sparkles. I think I might bring about something that’ll help farmers; it’ll be the gift I’m planning on giving AJ. Twilight will definitely love the mechanical calculator I made, or even the ball point pens I plan on making. And I think you know what else I’m capable of making from… earlier.”

“What are you two talking about?”

“Tickling the shit out of you.”

“B-but I don’t want to get Sparkles in my nose. It feels funny and I’ll get sparkles in my nose if I get tickled!”

“But you’re adorable when you’re laughing.”

“I’m supposed to be fierce and strong like a stallion! Not cute like a mare!”

“I must agree with Bob, Golden. You’re quite adorable. Especially when you just chose to use the same bean bag that Bob had just taken residence on so you can cuddle with him. Or how you’re laying in a way that gives him easy access to your belly.” I realised I was absentmindedly I was rubbing that belly.

“So I like belly rubs!”

“You indeed do. Which is hella fucking cute,” I patted Golden on the head. “Though you’ve probably had a rough day, so we won’t torture you tonight with tickling. Instead I’m just gonna let you relax and enjoy… this,” I pulled out a baseball cap that I asked Rarity to sew for me after I showed her a sketch of the design. It was pretty much just a conductor’s hat. It had holes cut out in the sides for a pony’s ears to poke on through and have their full range of movement too. I plopped the thing on his head. “Now, aren’t you looking dapper with your new hat?” The colt felt the hat with one of his hooves as he looked at his mother.

“Do I look cool, Mom?”

“You are very handsome with that hat, dear.” Golden looked at me for approval. Honestly, that hat looked really fucking cool, and made an already adorable kid look even cooler. That said, even I could tell the kid was gonna catch some eyes simply for wearing a cool hat.

“You, my friend, are the coolest colt around. Just don’t wear it to bed; you’ll get a headache if you do.”

“Okay!” Golden took the hat off his head, and set it on the coffee table in front of us.

It didn’t take long for the kid to sleep. And since the bean bag was big enough, Venice got off her bean bag and joined us, but was using me as a bed rather than the soft, perfectly comfy, pony sized amount of space in front of me. “I don’t believe I’ve told you just how happy you make my little Arrow whenever you’re around. I’ve never seen anypony, or anyone for that matter, pull him out of a bad mood so quickly after such a rough day at school.” Venice laid her muzzle in the crevice between my head and my shoulder, right on my neck. “Thank you.”

“No skin off my nose, Venice. This kid’s like the little brother I always wanted, but knew I wouldn’t have. I can’t wait to see what he’ll grow up into; the future's looking bright for a kid like him.”

“And I know you’ll fully support him in whatever he wants to do. In a way, you’re like a father to him.”

“I wouldn’t go that far. But hey, who am I to complain about how a foal sees me? Especially an adorable one like this wee rascal.” I laid my head down on a pillow I was provided. “G’night, Venice.”

“Goodnight, Bob. Don’t let Nightmare Moon catch you in your dreams.”

“She probably will; Luna said she wanted to drop by in my dreams at some point. I wouldn’t mind trying to catch a cute Princess.”

“I… don’t think I’ve heard anypony call one of the Princesses cute.”

“When you’re a part of a race that thinks lions, like actual lions, are cute, you find a lot of things cute.” Before I knew it, me and Venice were out like a light.

The next day, I woke up at the asscrack of dawn, because I expected to be at school kinda early. Venice was noticeably missing, but I could hear sounds in the kitchen. So I moved out from under Golden, who somehow managed to lay on top of me in his sleep, and went into the kitchen to see a lunch bag with things that were supposed to be packed into it sitting on the counter while Venice hopped around the kitchen while making breakfast. “You don’t gotta make me breakfast, y’know.”

“But it’d be rude, as the host, to let you go hungry. Plus, don’t you want to taste my cooking?”

“I think I already see what you’re cooking,” I chuckled. “Nice cake by the way.”

“I swear, you are very insufferable.”

“Thank you!” I walked over to the lunch bag. “Need help packing this?”

“Yes I do. It’s… a little hard for me to do so I save it for last.” I had the bag packed and ready to go in a few seconds. “How…?”

“Human hands. Plus I used to bag people’s food for a paycheck. You had all the food for it ready anyways; I just finished the job.”

“You know, I think something tells me that you’d be good at working at a hayburger.”

“If I could even get hired. Half of my inventions are sent in under a fake name, a Twilight’s name, or sold through third parties such as the Apple Family or Pinkie Pie. Being… not a citizen kinda sucks, but hopefully that’ll change if I send in the basic instructions framework for an electric grid for Canterlot.”

“Wha?” I got three plates out of a cabinet. The smell of toast and eggs filled the room. “Is that a human thing?”

“Yup. Hopefully it’ll also be a pony thing in a century or two; I’m leaving this world a better place than I found it, and I’m doing what I can to reach that goal… as long as I don’t bring any human weapons to Equestria. Those are… they range from destructive to outright cruel.”

“Please, nothing can be that bad.”

“My kind has developed explosives that harness radiation. And nuclear shit. I don’t know the intricacies of it, but basically we made bombs that work very similarly to how the sun burns. With how powerful these explosives are, humanity can blow itself up six or seven times over with the amount of said explosives they’ve got. And… don’t even get me started on chemical warfare. Humans are awful.”

“Well… you aren’t too awful. Though you tend to tickle cute mares. I cannot forgive you for that.”

“Wanna do it again?”

“Perhaps…” Venice moved what she had just cooked onto the plates, and soon, we had three identical plates, and cups of orange juice. Then the woman hops up on her hindlegs, wraps her hooves around my neck and nuzzles my cheek. Before we could even disentangle, or before I could enjoy the feeling of holding a squishy pony, a certain colt cleared his throat.

“Mommy and Bobby sitting in a tree-” Venice and I broke apart, and I immediately scooped the colt up. “Uh… What.” Checkmate, kiddo. Golden’s laughter could be heard throughout all of Ponyville. After thoroughly torturing the kid, eating breakfast, and of course, kissing Venice on the cheek just to see her reaction. I followed Golden to the playground just outside of the school house. And before you ask, yes, Venice was as red as a tomato and it was fucking adorable after the kiss. And of course, Golden was wearing the new hat I gave him, and like any kid on their birthday, he was the happiest little fluff ball the world’s ever seen.

God, if I do end up dating ponies, Venice would not be that bad of an option. Though I think it’ll be a while before I even consider dating, let alone a pony.

Anyways, Cherilee was all too happy to let me learn in class. Not really; she thought I wasn’t that smart. “Are you… certain you can handle some of today’s curriculum? I know you’re sapient, and somewhat intelligent according to Twilight. But I’m not sure you can do math or reading very well.” I got a few whispers and stares from the kids in the room, but the crusaders were all too happy to see me, and were even happier to find another ‘blank flank’ in Golden. The four of them were quickly chatting away about how they would go about getting their cutie marks…

I think Apple Bloom has a crush on Golden since she kept her eyes on him even when the focus of the conversation was on Scootaloo or something. Oh, and she was noticeably distracted by Golden’s presence.

“Come up with the hardest equation that you’ll end up teaching these kids. I will probably solve it.” Cherilee shrugged and wrote out an algebra question, and every single kid in the room was tilting their heads or complaining about doing reading and math at the same time. Of course, I took the time to chuckle at that before solving it. It was literally just 3(x)=9, so it wasn’t even that hard of an equation. I even showed my work while writing out my answer on the portable chalkboard. “Anyways, I think I can handle whatever you have to throw at me… except history. Kinda gotta grow up in this dimension if you wanna know the history of it.”

“I suppose. But since you are already leaps and bounds ahead of everypony mathematically, I’d like it if you can help some of the children that are struggling in math. Though I know why you’re here, so if you just sit and watch Golden Arrow, I won’t mind. I’d just like some extra help while you’re here… I can pay you a few bits for the day if need be.”At least Cherilee was being polite after proving I’m not retarded.

“Pssh, I’ll do it for free. Teaching things is fun.”

The next thing I knew, I was hopping from student to student, explaining the third grade level math and reading they had to do. There was no science, so I couldn’t make use of my strong suit, but I didn’t mind. I couldn’t help but shit on history, but I did read through the section of a history textbook we were supposed to do, so I wasn’t entirely useless. As it turned out, Golden was quite gifted academically, so he rarely needed my help. I still came over to pat him on the head or give him a tip on how to simplify a math problem so he could solve it quicker.

The crusaders weren’t the most… skilled students, but after explaining the aspects of division and multiplication and some grammar rules in a simpler way than they were taught, they actually weren’t stupid. Hell, Sweetie Belle’s fucking smart. Scoot’s pretty smart too even if I saw her purposely get a question wrong. Given who her idol(Rainbow Dash, the Daring Do loving, non-egghead) is, I get why. They probably just fell victim to how the school generalized the education of many rather than nurturing the few. Apple Bloom wasn’t the smartest of the three, but she was still pretty fucking smart for her age.

Oh, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon asked for help, since apparently they were just fucking dumb. Of course, since I’m spiteful, I refused to help them; they’re little assholes. Diamond Tiaral actually threatened to sue me over not helping her solve five plus seven…

HAH your father’s one of my business partners, bitch.

Before I knew it, we had left for Golden Arrow’s party. And not too long into the gift receiving bit, Arrow got the trainset I built for him. Of course, he loved it, and got a railroad cutie mark. The way he bounced up and down in sheer, unfiltered excitement was fucking cute. Of course, the Crusaders were upset about ‘losing a member’ until Apple Bloom demanded they keep him anyways.

Oh, then she kissed him on the cheek. It took two hours to fix that poor colt.