It’s been nearly two months since I’ve been dragged into Equestria. I gotta say, despite the heavy, heavy amounts of racism, it really wasn’t that bad of a place. Granted, I spend so much time in Twilight’s basement that I don’t go outside, but on the occasion that I do, it’s nice and quiet. Granted, it’s because everyone goes into hiding as soon as I step out the door, so it’s always nice and peaceful. Today, however, I found myself sitting in the living room of Twilight’s home with a brown sack sitting in front of me. After bean bags took off, and Sparkles having spread beyond Ponyville, I was sitting on a fuck ton of money. Most of which… I had no idea what to do with it.

I picked a coin out of the bag at random before dropping it back in. Now, my main goal was to go get a house of my own, somewhere outside of Ponyville. The only problem is… I need ponies to build the house, and then I need to pay those ponies. First, I need to find the ponies, but nobody was willing to even build me a house, so I was just stuck with a small fortune that in Apple Jack’s words ‘buy half of Sweet Apple Acres’. I sighed. There were few comforts a man could buy, especially in a town where most of the ponies were female.

So like an idiot, I walked out of Twilight’s home with a bag of bits and no idea as to what to do with them. Oh yeah, for some fucking reason, winter started up so it was cold as fuck! Wahoo! I fucking hate winter. I could buy clothes, but the only clothing shop is Rarity’s… she wouldn’t let me pay for anything even if I begged her to. On the brightside, it would mean that I’m not cooped up inside all day. So instead, I went back inside and walked out with a sewing machine I made. It was barebone and basic, but I’ve seen the one Rarity uses.

It’s old, and kinda sad looking. So I made a new one out of metal, made it harder for somebody to hurt themselves on the needle, faster, more accurate, and overall, was really nice. Hell, it was even magitecally powered. Which is what I coined when I asked Twilight to help me make a power source with magic. It works pretty damn well, and it’s one of the few forms of energy that doesn’t require anything to cool it down. Overall, me and Twilight were all too happy to discover it, and Twilight even gave a report to Celestia about it.

I walked on through town, occasionally stopping to get a feeling of where I am, and eventually found myself in Rarity’s shop and home. When I walked in, Rarity was all too happy to see me, but unlike most ponies that end up greeting me, didn’t demand scratches because Rarity’s apparently above that. So I made sure to keep my hands to myself unless she wants a massage. “Hey Rarity. I brought you a gift,” I handed pointed at the sewing machine.

“B-wha?” Rarity picked the sewing machine up in her magic. “This thing is gorgeous!” Rarity tapped it with a hoof. “Oh my! I was thinking about making you winter clothing; you need it due to your lack of fur. And since you’re here, I can make you that, and more!”

“You won’t make anything too overstated will you? I already stand out for all the wrong reasons; I don’t want to stand out even more than I already do.”

“Of course I won’t, though I will be making you a suit and tie should you ever need to attend a fancy event, but other than that, I can make your very casual clothing. Albeit… it would be a bit odd.”

“Because you ponies only wear clothes on special occasions?”

“Indeed. Though why did you choose now to give me a gift now instead of on Hearth’s Warming?”

“Well, consider it an early present…” I shrugged. “Also you wouldn’t let me pay you money every time you fix up my shirt or pants, so this is a part of me paying back my debt to you.”

“But now I owe you! This sewing machine looks incredible… is that two sewing needles?”

“Yeah. if you’re good at multitasking, you can sew two dresses at once if you want to.”

“But how will I do that with my hooves?”

“Magic. You have magic.”

“And that is why you are a genius, Bob. Are you certain you and Twilight are not an item? You two would be so cute geeking out about things!”

“I’m certain. But now you’ve reminded me that I missed out on booping Twilight on the nose like I do every morning… Fuck.”

“Worry not! I will make haste and at least make you a coat so you can get back and get to your daily routine.”

I soon left Rarity’s home with a jacket and some longer pants. Surprisingly, despite them being fairly light, they were very warm. God, next time I see Rarity, I am going to hug her, and I am going to tickle the shit out of her. I hummed a stupid little song about healing the world with comedy. After a few minutes, I wish I also asked for a pair of boots after some snow got into my shoes and made me want to kill myself. Oh, and then a snowball hitting me in the back of the head made me fully stop and turn around.

“Oh great. You just had to throw a snowball at Twilight’s pet human. Now it’s going to go feral and attack us!” I soon adorned a smile as I bent over and made a snowball or two. I turned around to see a minty green unicorn along with a cream colored earth pony. “I mean, look at its- HEY!” The earth pony was not very happy about me hitting her directly on the nose with a snowball. A second later another snowball hit her in the face… This earth pony’s fucking adorable.

“What? If you didn’t want me to join in on a snowball fight, you shouldn’t have hit me with a snowball!”

“Bon Bon! Don’t you see the opportunity here?” Uh. “If we have somepony with hands during the big snowball fight later, we’ll win against Twilight and her friends!” I blinked a couple times.

“You just want to spend some time with the human, Lyya.”

“Can you blame me?”

While the two kept going back and forth about how dangerous humans were, before scooping up the unicorn and cradling her like a baby. To this day, it still surprises me that ponies are easy to pick up, but will make my lap hurt if they lay in it for too long. “Oh my Celestia! Oh my Celestia!” Now, what do you do when you have a panicking unicorn in your arms with a very rubbable belly? Rub that fucking belly! “P-please put- oh that feels nice…” The next thing I knew, Lyra melted into my arms and was a perfectly happy, unreasonably cute unicorn.

I saw down in the snow and found out my pants were waterproof. I love you, Rarity. Just don’t make me wear a tuxedo.

“See? I’m not a bad human. I just look like an ugly sack of shit!”

“What? I always thought you were kinda cool!”

“Didn’t just think I was gonna kill you?”

“Yeah… I did some minor research on humans and know they are massive carnivores.”

“Omnivores. You eat fish, right?” Lyra nodded. “We humans are in a similar vein, except we can stomach more than just fish, and often prefer stuff other than fish. Also I wouldn’t want to eat somebody that can talk, have thoughts, and can dream. That would be downright horrible and I couldn’t live with myself if I did. So instead, because you ponies have a weird obsession with belly rubs, judging from the few that give me a chance, so I rub your bellies. Mostly because you little fucks are fucking adorable even if most of y’all are racist as hell.”

Bon Bon nudged me with her nose. “Uh… sorry about thinking you’re feral. We didn’t even know you could talk.”

“Meh. You get used to being mistreated after a while. Though I figured by now that half the inventions coming out of Twilight’s home would raise some eyebrows. Lamps, bean bags, soda, all that fun stuff. Who do you think makes that stuff?”

“Well, when Twilight isn’t dealing with some sort of monster, she does spend a fair amount of time in her lab.”

“Yeah, with me. Not to experiment with me, no, to test some inventions out for me. She loves pens.”

“Wait… you made that thing that got Town Hall burnt down?” Lyra asked.

“Hey, you ponies were fucking obsessed with those bean bags. How the fuck it led to you guys having a street fight over it, I don’t know, but you probably have a couple of those in your home.”

“We… do.”

“Yeah I made that, I assume you like Sparkles?”

“I… sell some in my candy shop?” Bon Bon scratched the back of her head.

“So… is it surprising that I can talk, when I made some of those things?”

“I suppose not.”

“Wanna help us with the huge snowball war?” Lyra asked. She was now curled up in my lap like a fucking cat.

“Sure. I might have an idea to help you guys make snowballs… I don’t think making them with your hooves is fun, is it?”

“It’s not.”

“Cool. I assume no magic, no wings?”

“Yup!”

“Cool. Give me ten minutes and I’ll solve the snowball throwing problem.” And I was off.

I made about twenty three snowball scoopers, stuck them in a box, and walked up stairs. Twilight and her friends were sitting around a table. “Ah Bob! We were going to ask you if you could join us for the Ponyville Snow War.”

“Uh…”

“You were in the middle of making something, weren’t you?”

“Yeah. I was gonna go test it.”

“I was hoping for you to make something that makes making snowballs easier. It’s so hard to do without magic.”

“And hooves aren’t fun for making snowballs either!” Apple Jack said.

“Darn. Well, I’ll see what I can do tomorrow.”

“The Snow War is today,” Rainbow deadpanned.

“Oh. Well, I’ll be right back.” I walked over to the door, nudged the handle with the box, and went outside to go find Lyra and Bon Bon again. It turns out they were grouped up with a bunch of other ponies, probably ponies that were supposed to be on their team. It was kinda fun to see so many ponies circle around me and actually look happy to see me.

“We heard you were helping us…” A tan stallion with an hourglass cutie mark asked.

“Yeah.” I pulled out a snowball scooper. “These things make perfect snowballs and are easy to operate with hooves.” I demonstrated how it worked and had four snowballs made in two seconds. “I have twenty four of them, which was a pretty good estimate… there’s about twenty-four of you dinguses. So that’s cool-” Lyra tackled me and was nuzzling into my cheek.

“Oh we’re going to kick Twilight’s tail!”

“But Lyra, it's the last pony standing,” Bon Bon sighed.

“Oh. But the three of us can have an alliance-”

I disappeared into an alleyway and disappeared from sight. It’s a free for all, and now I wanna win it. I spent the next half an hour building a snow trap. The next time I poked my head out of the alley to see Rainbow chasing after some pony named Ditzy while hurling snowballs her way. Rainbow stopped mid snowball throw and stopped to talk with me. “Hey Bob! Are you taking part in the Snow War after all?”

“No. I’m still experimenting. Wanna help me for a second? It’s really cool.”

“Well, if it only takes-” I pulled a string and a huge pile of snow fell on Rainbow.

“And Rainbow Dash is out! Oh hey! Celestia’s commentating over this! I waved at her as she flew by, but I don’t think she saw me. Fuck, I’m gonna hunt down Celestia and hangout with her for the rest of the day when this shit’s over. Rainbow stuck her head out and glared at me.

“That… Bob, you are evil.”

“Yeah. No hard feelings?”

“No, but I was hoping to beat AJ during this whole thing. Kick her tail for me?”

“Oh yeah, I spent the last half hour setting up traps after giving a few ponies some snowball scoopers. Then I learnt this was a battle royale… So I’m making use of human warfare tactics.”

“Well, if you win, you’re sharing the prize with me. That was a cheap tactic.”

“I’ll rub your belly if I win. Does that work?” Rainbow gave me a cute little hoof pump. “I’ll take that as a yes.” I patted Rainbow on the head before heading back down the alleyway. Low and behold, she didn’t follow me, and instead went out to where I assume was the ‘outzone’. But I don’t know what’s happening. I snuck into some guy’s home and pelted Twilight with a snowball or six as she walked by.

“Twilight Sparkle is out!” Celestia shouted as she flew by once again.

I hopped out the window, booped Twilight on the nose on the way by, and hopped into another alleyway before rolling up a huge piece of snow. Lyra and Bon Bon walked by and started gloating at how they managed to outlast the purple unicorn that has absolutely zero athletic skills at all. So I threw a snowball at Lyra and threw a rock at a wall to get Bon Bon’s attention. I then threw another rock at the wall and snow fell on the earth pony as she inspected the rock on the ground.

I snickered as Pinkie walked by and actually hit her in the eye with a snowball. So, because I felt bad, I went out, dragged Pinkie back into my hiding spot, and started cuddling her for a bit. Surprisingly, Pinkie was a good sport about it, but happily laid in my lap for a good minute. “Okie Dokie, Bobby, I gotta get to the losers’ spot before everypony thinks I’m cheating. I hope you win, Bobby!” I patted Pinkie as she zoomed off. Overall, I was feeling good at myself as I just took out like, half a dozen of the possibly forty-eight ponies in the competition.

I took out Apple Jack by tackling her and snatching her hat. When she got mad, I filled the hat up with snow and planted AJ’s face into it. In the distance, I could hear Rainbow laughing her ass off. Probably because Celestia found some way to broadcast what was happening to the losers. “Bob, Ah hate you.”

“I love you too.”

“Ah will make sure you have six cute mares tickling the hay out of you.”

“Okay.”

“Well, fair play, Bobby. Good luck against Ditzy. She’s still up and she’s the Snow War champion!”

About an hour passed when an announcement was made. “It’s the final two, Bob… the Human, he hasn’t given me a full name, and Ditzy D. Doo! Who will win!” Ditzy flew by and threw a snowball at me, only to somehow hit herself. She crashed into a wall and I immediately ran by to try and help her out. I soon found that the poor mare knocked herself out and left a dent in the wall after she hit herself with a snowball. So I picked her up bridal style and started carrying her towards where I thought everyone else was, which was near the town hall.

“So, did I win?” I asked, walking up to the town hall, Ditzy in my arms.

“You didn’t hurt her did you?” I pointed at the magical window that was actually broadcasting my every move to them.

“Did you not see her hit herself and crash into a wall?” I shifted Ditzy so her head was laying on my shoulder. “Plus Ditzy’s fucking adorable. I can’t bring myself to hurt her if I wanted to.” Ditzy started to stir, so I knelt down just in case she wanted to get out of my arms.

“Where… am I? Ditzy looked around, her cute little eyes widened when they locked on me, even if they were crossed the whole time.

“You knocked yourself out, so I’m carrying you.” Immediately, Ditzy nuzzled me, likely out of thanks before laying her head on my neck. I flinched when her snow drenched fur made contact with my uncovered neck.

“Thank you,” she whispered. Everyone in the crowd ‘awed’ at the sight, and a lot of them stopped looking at me with distaste, fear, or anything that could be translated into ‘we don’t want you here.’ So that’s cool. I started rubbing Ditzy’s back as she continued to get deeper and deeper into my grasp.

“Hey. I’m a good sport. If somebody gets themselves hurt, I ain’t leaving them behind; I’m making sure they get some medical attention if they need it. Head hurts? Headaches? Any pain at all?”

“Well… No. I’m just a little cold because the snow’s soaking into my coat. Your clothes are super warm…”

“So you just want to cuddle.”

“If you don’t mind.”

“Like hell I mind. Holding an extra fluffy, because winter coats, pony sounds fun right now.”

“Bob, it has been a little while, hasn’t it?” A certain big, white horse asked, walking up.

“We saw each other… two-ish weeks ago, your highness. Wanna hangout at some point? You and Luna are pretty chill once you got past your… distaste for me.”

Celestia nodded. “Of course. However, today, you’re to get an award for winning the Annual Ponyville Snow War.” A medal slipped around my neck. “It doesn’t mean much, but I don’t think you minded either. You had fun at least?”

“Yeah. Got to feel like I was in a war. As human beings, we love action. You know, be the hero, save the cute girl, or mare in this case, and win the battle. That fun stuff,” I patted Ditzy a couple more times. “I got to at least help the cute mare in this case.”

“And you pounded another in the face with their own, snow filled hat.” Celestia giggled.

“Hey, Apple Jack might be cute, but Ditzy is downright adorable. I’ve seen her a round a few times, and wanted to pet her for a while now.”

“What?” Ditzy pulled her head back.

“You know how I’m rubbing your back, Ditzy?” The mare nodded. “That means I’m petting you right now. You just look so fucking cute that I was hoping to at least pet you a bit. I hope we can be pals too, but I know how you ponies see humans; I get stink eyes everytime I’m seen.”

“I was hoping to meet you, too. I just assumed you hated ponies.”

“After you’ve probably seen me carry a colt around and blatantly, and jokingly, flirt with Twilight and her friends. And Venice. Though Venice is a special case. I don’t hate ponies at all. I just assume that you guys just don’t like me.”

Celestia cleared her throat. “I will send a letter to Twilight when I wish to meet up with you Bob. Ditzy, congratulations on second place, but I believe you know second place doesn’t really get you anything.”

“I don’t mind Princess. I had fun and that’s all that matters… I out flew THE Rainbow Dash! That’s an accomplishment in my books!” Ditzy did a cute little hoof pump. “And I suppose my prize is being held and cuddled by a human, so I don’t mind.” She was blushing slightly. “I… would bow, but I kinda… can’t move.”

Celestia noddrd. “I understand, my little pony. I shall return to Canterlot soon. I will see you when you deliver my mail again, Ditzy.” With that, Celestia flew off towards Twilight’s friends.

“So…” I patted Ditzty a couple more times. “You wanna move?”

“No. I thought you liked holding ponies.”

“I do. But I also like not sitting in snow.”

“We can… get more cuddly in my house.”

“That is the most generic way of asking me to sleep with you.”

“I-I know.” I chuckled.

“I’ll follow you home, but I won’t sleep with you. It’s for personal reasons.”

“That works. At least I can use you as a pillow.” I then followed Ditzy home and was used as a pillow.

The next day, after being allowed to leave, not like I was complaining, Ditzy(or Derpy, her nickname) was cute so I couldn’t really argue about leaving. But once I was allowed to leave, everyone in town wasn’t treating me with a stink eye when I passed by. Now they just spared me a glance and kept going about their day. A few kids even stopped by asking about how I destroyed everyone, including their local celebrity, Rainbow Dash, in the whole competition yesterday. So my only answer was:

I threw snow.

Yes, I am a very creative person. It’s why I’m making money off of somebody else’s inventions that I happened to be able to recreate.

I kept trudging on until Lyra and Bon Bon found me, both of whom looked a bit mad. “Bob! We could’ve had an alliance!”

“But it was the last man, or pony, standing. We woulda had to kill each other anyways. I bet you guys got far with the ice cream scoopers I shoehorned into snowball scoopers, right?”

“We did… how’d you even get into other ponies’ houses?”

“None of you lock your fucking windows apparently. I just tried to open a window, low and behold, it opened. And boom, I was in somebody’s house with a newfound ability to ambush just about anyone. I pelted Twilight a few times, I owe her an apology, Rainbow a belly rub for beating her in such a cheeky way, and I’m gonna go invent alcohol. So if I need to add you two to my list of ponies I need to apologize to, then I’m down.” I reached over and patted Lyra on the head, which made her gasp.

“Oh my Celestia! oh my Celestia! I got patted by the human!” Bon Bon started dragging Lyra away she was while waving to me, and congratulating me on my victory.

When I got to the library, I found six, well five(Fluttershy didn’t participate in the Snow Wars) cute mares glaring at me. “Bob,” Twilight got out of her seat and walked on over to me. The next thing I knew, she was on her hindlegs, my knees were starting to buckle under her weight, and she was staring into my soul. “The way you won yesterday wasn’t fair!”

“What were the rules then?”

“Be the last standing.” Twilight’s glare deepened and had the exact opposite effect. Despite her being able to magically dissolve me on a molecular level, it just made her cuter.

“Nothing about using alleyways or other people’s homes?”

“No. There was only one rule.”

“Ah man, and nobody thought to abuse that fact? I literally coulda dug a hole out and shove you guys in and leave you for the rest of the competition. That’s how broken only having one rule is; I could’ve abused it in some many ways. I coulda broken your knee caps and it woulda been allowed… until you realize that’s actually illegal.”

“I-I-” Twilight groaned. “You could’ve at least helped us! After Rarity got taken out by Ditzy, we all got split up while Rainbow tried to hunt her down. And Spike didn’t participate because he wanted hot chocolate… something he said you came up with.” Spike was sleeping in a dog bed nearby covered in chocolate.

“By the time you asked, I already made things to help other ponies make snowball makers, then I was told it was a battle royale type of thing. You’re just mad that I thought to abuse the single rule in the competition to absolutely kick your asses!” I patted Twilight on the head. “Now can you not put your full weight on my knees? That isn’t healthy for them in the long run, and I like having knees. It’s the top three for my favorite parts of my leg.”

Before Twilight could respond, I scooped her up, and sat down with the rest of the girls. “So I know Apple Jack and Rainbow has no hard feelings, especially after I pay Rainbow in pampering the shit out of her, so no hard feelings?” Twilight made an interesting noise while being scooped up and laid, belly up, in my lap

“You didn’t have to smash Apple Jack in the face with her own hat after filling it with snow.” Rarity said.

“It was funny though!”

AJ nodded. “Ah admit, it was pretty funny. Ah need to try that next year with Big Mac’s hat.”

“Anyone else?”

Rarity shook her head. “Well, you did win fair and square; though I think more rules will be put in place for dirty, conniving little human minds like yours.” She gave me a smug grin. “And I think Twilight agrees.” I looked down to see that Twilight was drooling and my hand had been idly rubbing her belly.

“Son of a bitch! This is my favorite sweater!”

“It’s your only sweater that you got yesterday.”

“It proves how good your work is.”

“Thank you!”

“Can I pet you now? I bet you’re as soft as Fluttershy!”

“No.” I slumped over slightly.

“The curses of a Man being in a Pony’s world!”

“Hey, he said the thing!” Pinkie said before staring off into some random wall, piercing it with her soul.

Author's Note

Rarity will be snuggled at some point.