Author's Note

Just a trigger warning, there is a rape scene later in this chapter. It doesn’t go into detail at all, but it is there. I will leave a warning for when it crops up.

It’s Illegal to Get a Horse Drunk in Ohio.

“What the buck do you mean that you manage to build a house on your own? It’s the middle of bucking winter!” Needless to say, Twilight was very excited to hear about how I finally got a house of my own. “First, you don’t have anything to cut trees down to build a house, next, you don’t have a bucking tool box! You have a fully furnished home, a pet rock, and a Celestia-damned kitchen, plumbing, everything under the bucking Sun, and you mean to tell me you built this house in less than a bucking day?” Twilight was panting after a very long, colorful rant about how she wasn’t mad about me moving out of her home, and was very happy for me.

Her friends agreed; it’s why they’re outside shivering in fucking fear of the happiest, purple unicorn of all time. “Yeah. I had some help from a few friends; I told them I needed a house and they delivered after getting paid. I didn’t expect them to be this quick, or efficient though.” I sunk into the bean-bag mattress. Because my stupid creation became industry leading or whatever for comfort, and now everyone wants it as a chair, a cushion, a bed, your back up bed, your back up chair, your reading chair. Your sex doll of Luna-yes that exists for some fucking reason.

‘And why didn’t you tell me until yesterday that you moved out? I couldn’t even bucking tell! I was even worried about you when you didn’t come home last night.” In all fairness, Twilight, I had a very cute changeling that demanded my attention. No, I didn’t say that out loud purely because I don’t want Twilight to know that I am friends with the bug horse. Twilight got done shoving her hoof into my very purple stomach(I was now more purple than Twilight!) before I was instantly healed. “Sorry about that, Bob. It's just that… I was genuinely worried when you didn’t show up, and then you come and tell me that you have a house all of a sudden.”

“I get it. I probably shoulda told you yesterday, but you saw how close this place was to the Everfree Forest. It’s not smart to be out and about that close, even for a human.”

“Then why’d you choose this spot?”

“So ponies can’t stare at me the moment I walk out of my place of residency. No offense to you, Twi, but ponies are fucking racist. Do you know how many ponies try to pet me when I’m out and about? You ponies like petting, but we humans don’t. Hell, they try to pet me and talk to me like I’m a fucking dog! And that’s with Celestia and Luna claiming that they’re trying to legally make sure I’m not a dog, and instead an Equestrian citizen after I sent them some inventions to give them the okay. And no, this doesn’t mean I hate you, or your friends. Hell, y’all are good people even if you’re a bit childish at times, but I can’t really judge y’all on that…”

I looked over at the window to see a pink blob hard pressed into it. “And yes Pinkie, I see you trying to listen in through the window with a paper cup. We can have sleepovers whenever you girls want.” The sound of confetti, and general Pinkie noises were made, Pinkie noises of happiness. I walked on over to the door and opened it. “C’mon in guys, Twilight’s blown her whistle, and I bet it’s cold out there.”

“Well, pegasi are naturally resistant to the cold, and earth ponies are used to it. But it is far too cold lady such as myself…” Rarity looked around. “This is quite the cozy little home, Bob. I suppose you don’t have… anypony to get cozy with yet, do you? Perhaps Venice… or Twilight would do.”

“First of Rarity, stop trying to stick your nose up my ass. Secondly, I don’t think I’ll be dating any ponies for a fucking minute; I wanna get situated first before I can even begin to think about dating, dating ponies, or overall just having a relationship… and I love Twilight, and Venice is fucking awesome. I can tell they’re pretty even if I’m not a pony, though I do prefer how Venice looks purely because of the coloration of her coat and mane, but I don’t think I can be romantically, or even sexually involved with them. I’m not a pony, I can’t consider them attractive, and I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone I can’t give my all to purely because I can’t feel a certain way about them.”

“I-i huh? That…” Rarity sputtered.

“Ah’d say yer a good stallion, Bob. Ah sure wouldn’t mind having a relationship with you if you were down for it, but those are good morals to stand by. But I’d like you to give your real name before we can even get to that point.”

“Meh, you like your farm too much. I can’t make you choose between that or living here with me, because I hate farming.”

“Again, yer a good stallion, Bob. Though just because you are out here doesn’t mean Ah won’t come down to cash in one of those belly rub tickets.”

“I didn’t…”

“But Princess Celestia and Luna sent them to the six of us in the mail! Not through Spike for some reason, and it says we can only make you pet us if we give you one of these tickets…” Twilight pulled out one of those tickets. I snatched it and noticed the fine print stating that I was now Celestia’s property… Fucking dammit. “And it goes both ways apparently. You can’t pet us without one of those tickets.” I handed the letter back.

“Hold on guys, I’m gonna write a kindly written letter to Celestia about something…” I walked over to a desk in the corner and grabbed a ball-point pen prototype that I made. Yes, there are actual pens on the market, but this one looks cool because it’s made of wood with golden trims from melted down bits… because I’m actually rolling in bits to the point that it’s ridiculous. So I began writing a letter down while speaking loud enough for the ponies in the room to hear what I’m writing.”

“Deer, Princess Celestia.” Yes, Deer. Celestia gets triggered over improper grammar due to her teacher background or something. “I would like to ask why you made me your property instead of making me a citizen of Equestria. Also, stop being a bitch and keeping me from petting your little ponies. Approximately nine of them would get mad, especially since three of them didn’t get any tickets saying that I can pet them. If you do not respond to this letter, you’re a ho, a whole bitch, and an asshat. Also, why did the fine print say Luna is not allowed to request pets? Lastly, fuck you. Love, Bob, your favorite, polite, and caring human. P.S, fuck you, Luna.”

Twilight and her friends made several interesting noises, such as gawking, squawking, screaming, and panic as I shouted to the heavens for Ditzy. I opened the door, and the mare in question walked in… wearing the cutest little outfit ever! I know it’s her work uniform, but the little mailman hat and saddle bags were so fucking cute. It also didn’t help that Ditzy was just adorable on her own. “Send this to Princess Celestia at your own digression. Feel free to flee the palace as quickly as possible after handing it to her. Trust me, you’ll want to.”

“You got it Bob!! Can I come over later and use you as a pillow later? You’re really comfy.” I nodded, which ended up with Ditzy rubbing up against me like a cat, before zooming off at a speed that made Rainbow Dash squawk… Well, it woulda, but Rainbow was already head deep in one of my cabinets and crawled out with a bottle in her mouth… It was the fucking vodka that I made and was waiting to see if I could sell it after sending a bottle to Celestia.

“Rainbow, don’t-”

Rainbow drained the whole fucking bottle. Dammit! I needed that for Hearth’s Warming Eve. “Gah! That stuff taste awful…” she slurred. “Why do you even have that stuff?” She stumbled away from the kitchen, just to faceplant in the wall a couple of times, before she finally made it back into the living room. “Like Bob, that should…”

“That was alcohol. I wasn’t joking when I said I would try to invent some kinda alcohol. First off, what kinda manners did you grow up with? What made you think going through another man’s kitchen is a good idea? And why the fuck, did you drink from a bottle that litterally had a label that reads ‘do not drink or I will send you to Jesus?”

“Who… da hae is Jezus?” Rainbow slurred.

“Aight, you’re lucky I have a guest room. Twilight, tie Rainbow Dash to the couch. I’m getting a bucket of water. Whatever the fuck you do, do not let Rainbow-” Rainbow Dash was gone. “Out of the fucking house! God fucking dammit guys!”

“Everypony in here, except you, are girls.”

“Twilight, now is not teh fucking time for sass. Rainbow Dash is drunk, usually when humans are drunk, they do incredibly retarded, dumbfuck things that end up hurting other people. Now, just imagine how that will go for a pony that can break the fucking sound barrier. Don’t even take into account that you fuckin’ ponies are physically stronger than humans even if you guys don’t think it. Oh yeah! And Rainbow can fucking fly! You guys consider Ditzy a safety hazard due to how clumsy she can be, right?” Everyone in the room nodded. “Take that and multiply it by fucking cancer.” Everyone blinked. “That’s a human disease that’s pretty much guaranteed to kill whoever gets it… that’s not even the god damn point. My point is, we should go catch Rainbow before she ends up doing a Double Rainboom and getting her ass tugged into another dimension while drunk.”

With that, we were out the door, Apple Jack ran off to go get some rope, while the rest of us split up to go find Rainbow Dash. I assume it wouldn’t take that long since Pinkie just has a way of keeping up with the fastest thing on the planet, and also perfectly tracking said fastest thing alive while not even being able to fly. It was kinda impressive, kinda scary, and I don’t want to get on Pinkie’s bad side… She found out what my birthday was when I never told anybody. I’ll get a cool party out of it, but the fact that she found that out without even being told it is fucking scary.

Anyways, I found Rainbow Dash cuddling with a fucking log on the ground. How did a log manage to make its way all the way to the middle of Ponyville? Fuck if I know. But what I do know is that there was a log, and it had a knocked out Rainbow Dash hugging it. It was kinda cute, but I needed to make sure Dashie’s little hangover goes over smoothly, so I picked her up(Rainbow was the heaviest of her friends somehow. Probably pure muscle). I rested her head on my neck and started carrying her back home… How the hell do I tell everyone else that I found Rainbow Dash? I didn’t exactly tell them when they should reconvene.

Well, now I was getting a fuckload of looks from everyone, because it probably looked like I was kidnapping their local hero. In fact, I think a stallion was getting ready to square me up, so I just kept on walking. I wasn’t looking to fight a stallion; I’d get my shit kicked in. However, I could just kick the fucker in the dick, and it wouldn’t matter how physically weak I am; that would hurt like hell. Well, if I kick him in the dick, he won’t be a fucker anymore, he’ll be the fuckee, but those are minor details. Eitherway, Rainbow took priority, so I did the most physically demanding thing I could:

Speed Walking.

Anyways, I got to Twilight’s home, where everyone apparently decided to meet up. “Yo, I found Rainbow Dash. Twilight, you think you can get Rainbow a few buckets of water for when she wakes up? If you don’t, this little lady will have a fucking massive headache. So it might teach her not to drink random shit in my cabinet, especially not in fancy glass bottles that I made for holding vodka, so if you don’t got water for her, whatever. However, I don’t want Rainbow feeling the blunt of her first hangover; those fucking suck.

“What did Rainbow even drink?”

“A human adult sleepy drink. Usually it makes whoever drinks it drowsier, more willing to say what’s on their mind, and can knock you the fuck out or possibly kill you. In other words, great for parties if it’s managed properly. No Pinkie, I am not making you vodka for parties; Celestia has to give the okay before I can even give anyone the recipe for this shit and you can see why,” I patted Rainbow on the back. “And I heard jokes that the stuff that Rainbow drank is technically poison, which it kinda is. You need a fuck ton of it to kill somebody, but what Rainbow drunk shouldn’t be lethal at all.”

“So once again, don’t let Rainbow loose in your home?” Twilight asked.

“Essentially. I’m not joking about that water by the way. Get her into my old bed, have a lot of water on standby. I know Rainbow done fucked up, but she doesn’t need to feel the worse headache known to man aside from when Justin Bieber started his singing career.”

“Who dat?” Apple Jack asked as she walked over to retrieve the drunk as fuck cyan pony in my arms.

“A human singer that made the most generic, mediocre love songs that got lucky as fuck and got popular. Nobody really likes him except for teenage girls who need to feel loved. So they play his music to do so.” I laid a Rainbow on Apple Jack’s back. “Just imagine lyrics like ‘I love how your torso has an arm on either side’ or ‘I love your blueish, brownish, greenish, reddish eyes.’ that’s basically a Justin Bieber song.”

“Ah… how do human females feel loved from that?”

“A lot of mental health issues that humanity doesn’t know how to address. Anyways, take care of Rainbow. I would, but I’m probably gonna get some guests over tonight, and I don’t need them thinking I killed somebody.”

“Who are your special guests?”

“Well, judging from the letter I sent earlier, probably Celestia or Luna. If not them, then somebody else I can’t talk about.”

“Who?” Rarity slammed her hooves in front of me.

“I’m having an affair with a Bigfoot. She’s got some huge fucking tits.”

“What in the hay is a Bigfoot?” Twilight asked. I simply put a finger to my lips and shook my head. Twilight got the message and actually went along with it. Smart mare. “Ah! Congratulations, Bob! I hope you and your new special somepony will get married soon.”

“I. Need. To. Find. This. Bigfoot!” Rarity was off in a flash.

“Anyways, I’m not having an affair with anyone; Bigfoot isn’t real… I think. Given how unicorns are real, when they weren’t back at home by the way, I wouldn’t be surprised if a Sasquatch was real.”

“Oh I know those! They’ve got a kingdom somewhere south of here!” Twilight did a cute little hoof wave. So logically, I walked over, booped her on the nose, and hugged her.

“I’ll probably stop by to drop your Christmas present off ahead of time; it’s big and hard to carry. And to check on Rainbow Dash. Or just stop by to cuddle with you or show you a human invention. Whichever you wanna do at the moment when I come in tomorrow. If I don’t, just know that I made more vodka and got smashed.”

“It’s going to be weird to not have you in my basement…” Twilight whispered. “But I understand why you wanted to move out. Don’t forget us, alright?”

“And miss out on squishing your cheeks?” I did just that. “Seriously, you’re genuinely one of my best friends, Twilight. If we drift apart, that just happens; it’s how friendship works. However, I will happily spare some time for you guys if you want my time.” I let go of Twilight only to be pulled into a group hug. After Apple Jack came back down from putting up Rainbow, she joined in. “Y’all are fucking awesome. Except Rarity; she’s off to find Bigfoot like a toot… and she won’t let me pet her; that’s a crime. Love y’all; feel free to stop by sometime. I’m working on a way to recreate ice cream sandwiches, and I bet you’d all love that.”

With that, I was allowed to go after giving every pony in the room a scratch and a pat. Oh, and Spike asked to try out petting, so I didn’t leave a bro hanging. We really didn’t interact much, but I was hoping to change that soon. Spike’s a good kid and the universe seems to fucking hate him, so it’s only fair that I’m nice to him… Spike likes belly rubs more than Twilight does. How that’s possible, I don’t fucking know. God damn Spike’s little giggles were cute.

Anyways, I made it back home and started playing with Gengar again; he’s a lot like a very intelligent child. Like he’ll act like a dog one moment, and then literally help me with scientific experiments after I explain the science behind that experiment. In other words, I wouldn’t want to treat Gengar like a pet, but he says he doesn’t mind. So I just treat him however he’s feeling on any particular day. Today, he just wanted to be a cute little kitten and bat at some string I was dangling over him…

Eventually a knock at the door ruined our cute little moment, so I carried Gengar off to put him to bed and tuck him in. Because he just likes that, and he’s too cute to deny that to, and even kissed him goodnight just to make sure he remains fed. “Why the fuck are you ‘lings so cute? Y’all are cuter than ponies.”

“Well sir, to ponies, we would be horrifying. Why are you rubbing my chin? I’m not complaining, because it feels nice, but why?”

“You’re cute, that’s why.” Now Gengar was blushing. “Love ya, Bug, yes I know, you love that creative nickname… If it’s Luna or Celestia, turn into a rock and pretend to be a pet rock for a while. If it’s Chryssy, keep being cute, and stay out of the way so she doesn’t castrate you for being cute.”

“Got it, sir. Goodnight.”

I booped him on the nose before going downstairs… “Luna, why are you in my house when I didn’t even let you in?”

“Well, you weren’t answering it, so I let myself in.”

“Why are you wearing lingerie?”

“You said ‘fuck you, Luna’ in your letter. So I came to deliver.”

Wot?

(here is your warning.)

The next thing I knew, my clothes were gone and Luna was on me. A solid half hour later, I was laying on the floor, Luna was long gone, and I was balling my eyes out. What the actual fuck just happened? I shivered and couldn’t sleep. I felt nasty and sticky, but I just couldn’t bring myself to get up and go shower. Gengar found me, claiming to hear me screaming half an hour ago, but didn’t come down because he thought Luna was here… he bathed me, reclothed me, and cleaned up the mess in my living room.

(you can keep reading from here.)

“Sir, are you okay?” Gengar laid a hoof on me after laying me in my bed. “You… look and taste traumatized, sir. But you smell of sex; did Princess Luna…” I nodded. “Sweet Chrysalis… Do you need me to get Chrysalis, or somebody to comfort you?” Before either of us could reply, we heard the door open, and soon the big bug in question came in wearing a cute little beanie. If it weren’t for me being in mental ruin, I woulda commented on that and squished Chrysalis’s cheeks.

“Oh Bob!” Chrysalis walked in my room, how she got in, I won’t question it; I won’t complain either… “Gengar, why are you holding Bob? And why is he crying?” Chrysalis took a whiff of the air. “And why does the living room reek of alicorn?”

“Your Highness,” Gengar bowed. “Princess Luna was here recently… she forced herself upon Bob and I found him like this.”

“I… Oh. What in Tartarus is wrong with that fucking whore?” Chrysalis growled before recomposing herself. “Gengar, you may remain to comfort Bob.” The bug hopped on my bed and curled herself protectively over me. “I know you aren’t feeling okay, but do you fully mind me being here? I know… that such an experience is traumatic.”

“I…” I have to admit, Chrysalis feels really comfortable, and she made me feel… safe after what had just occurred. Plus with Gengar here, there’s no way she’d actually do anything to me. “If it wouldn’t be a bother, I’d like you to stay here,” I laid my head on Chrysalis's forelegs. “Just… Please don’t leave me alone; I don’t wanna be alone if Luna comes back.”

“If that wretch returns, I will personally slit her throat. I know she must be archaic in her ways; she was banished to the moon for a millennium afterall, but that does not excuse what happen to you tonight. And that’s coming from me, who once knew the Royal Sisters and considered them friends…” Chrysalis nuzzled me. “Take all the time you need, Bob. Myself and Gengar shall care for you…” Several more changelings appeared. “Gengar, did you let the Hive Mind know what happened?”

“Yes ma'am. These are the same drones that helped in the construction of Bob’s house; they all claim to like Bob since he fed them all. What better for comfort than a bunch of us being cuddle bugs?” Chrysalis hummed. “I don’t think Bob would complain.”

“I wouldn’t mind… any company would be nice right now, even if I would like to be left alone; I need the sunshine and the rain if I want to recover.”

“And we shall deliver on helping you feel better, Bob. You fed us and you’ve earned our loyalty because of that.” With that, I was laying in a pile of snuggle bugs and felt… safe. Chrysalis made sure to shower me in kisses and all sorts of things throughout the rest of the night. She thought it would help me sleep, but it soon became apparent to her that I wouldn’t be able to sleep.

“One of you, go hunt something down and return… we shall make a breakfast fit for a king. That would help you, right Bob?”

“I just want to lay here, Chryssy,” Chrysalis blushed at her new nickname. “But… I wouldn’t complain about having some breakfast. You changelings, I cannot stress this enough, are amazing.”

“Of course we are; you said we’re ‘awesome’ after all.”

“That I did.” I leaned into Chrysalis while she ran her teeth through my hair to groom me.