Desperate Measures

Guin left Jack alone with his thoughts for the rest of the day. She had some thinking of her own to do, and she intended to come up with at least one solution to at least one problem. He'd told her that, when she was overwhelmed with problems, she should focus on just one thing and solve that, and then the next, until her head was clear. Right now, the most pressing thing was being able to prove that this sham marriage was not a sham marriage. But how could she do that?

She had to talk to somepony older. Somepony wiser.

She knocked on Kurt's door. "I'm busy..."

"Kurt?"

"I'm busy, I said..."

"I just need to talk. It's important."

There was a loud thud, then a few hoofsteps, then the door was pulled open. "Inside..."

As Guin stepped in, she noted that the floor was now covered in bolts, nuts, a couple of wrenches, and a whole series of other parts. "What's all this?"

"Never you mind. You said you had something important you wanted to tell me about?"

Guin moved over to the bed and sat down. "What does it mean to have a sham marriage?"

"It means two people married each other when they didn't want to. More specifically, it's to draw out some sort of benefit without the actual means. Most often, it's when somepony from outside of Equestria comes to Equestria on a travel permit, then marries one of the citizens so that they can stay here without having to go through the immigration process."

Guin nodded. "Do you think my marriage to your dad is a sham?"

"I do, yes. It is a sham."

"But I'm already an Equestrian citizen."

"Right. Immigration is the most common use of sham marriages. That doesn't mean it's the only use. It used to be that unicorns would marry earth ponies just to prove that they weren't racist or classist. "Of course I don't hate those filthy, worthless dirt ponies. I married one, didn't I?" And then they sleep in different rooms because they can't stand the sight of their hornless heads."

"I don't think your dad's a racist, either..."

"He's not." Kurt sat down and continued to build. "He married you so that we could bypass the entire adoption system. You already know that, in order to adopt you, we'd have to do months of paperwork, have background checks, have an inspector come to our house and make sure we were providing a safe environment, and then hope that you're the one we ended up with. If he just married you, instead, you could move in immediately. He did this so you could have a safe place to live, not because he was in love with you. It's a sham, through and through."

"But isn't that cheating?"

"Of course it's cheating. The correct way of doing it would have been gruelling, arduous and may not have yielded proper results. Plus, all of your stuff would have been sold off. He's basically giving you a protective barrier to shield you from the system." He put down his wrench. "Out of curiosity, why do you ask?"

"That unicorn came by again."

Kurt took a deep breath. "Damn it all..."

"Can you please put a handle on the swearing? It's causing problems for me at school."

Kurt held up a hoof. "What happened?"

"Miss Abalone keeps--"

"Not at school! What happened with that asswipe from the government?"

Guin held up a claw. "He's closed his investigation."

"Oh, good..."

"And he's opened up a new one."

"What?!"

"He no longer thinks that your dad is molesting me as his daughter, but now he thinks our marriage is a sham."

Kurt sighed. "And it is..."

Guin scooted closer and gripped his shoulder. "How do I fix this? How do I make this marriage not a sham?"

Kurt shrugged off her claw, and was silent for a moment. "There are a few things you could do to cover up the fact that your marriage is false."

"Can't we make it a real marriage? Wouldn't that make it not a sham anymore?"

"Well, yes, but do you really want to go through all of that?"

Guin shrugged. "I don't know. I would need to hear what both sides entail before I decide. I don't know if I want to be married, but I know I don't want him coming back and saying that our marriage is fake. If he can prove it, it's going to tear everyone apart. You, your sister, your dad and I will all be sent to different places. And we'll lose all of our stuff. I definitely don't want that."

Kurt sighed. "Well, to make it official, you have to share everything with my dad. And I do mean everything. You have to sleep in his bed, shower with him, any money your gran left you is his, all the yardwork, housework, and other wifely duties are yours. All of that stuff you're not good at is now your job."

"And if I just want to cover it up?"

"Then all you have to do is pretend to do all of that."

Guin nodded. "Well, I guess I've kind of already started on the real thing. He taught me how to cook this morning, I've done some amount of cleaning, and we're sleeping in the same bed already."

Kurt looked up, his eyes wide. "You what!?"

"I didn't think it was such a big deal. He invited me to sleep there, instead of the couch."

Kurt took a deep breath. "Okay. I thought you meant... Nevermind."

"Thought I meant what?"

"Well, when a stallion and a mare sleep together, they..." he scratched the back of his neck. "Forget it. You'll find out when you're older."

"Well, you're not that much older than me. Come on, I've been really good at listening, lately. Please?"

Kurt sighed. "Okay, look. I really don't want to think about this. Maybe dad can tell you, maybe those bitches in the mothers' meetings can tell you more. If all else fails, Seascape could explain it to you, but I really, really don't want to think about my dad's balls."

That sounded familiar enough for Guin to latch onto. "So, it's a sex thing?"

Kurt pointed toward the door. "Out."