Perhaps

Chapter 6: Past and Present

The two weeks after the party was a blur for me. I mostly just hung out around Ponyville, quietly watching Lightning from a distance. I wouldn’t say I was stalking him, per se; I was simply keeping a close eye on him without his knowledge or consent…I guess that would be considered stalking now, wouldn’t it? Anyway, the reason I didn’t really talk to him for that time was that I couldn’t even think about him without my throat clogging up, let alone talk to him! Ever since I realized I love him, it hasn’t ben easy seeing him wandering around. I’ve suddenly started noticing that he only really seems to be happy when he sees me, as if he feels the same way.

I shouldn’t kid myself; he can’t love me! He’s too perfect, and I’m nothing special. He would never want somepony as erratic as me, as pathetic as me. Every day, I go through about 50 different scenarios in which I confess my feelings to him, but none of them end well; he usually either laughs at me or runs away with Rainbow.

I was so worried about what he would think that it affected my normally bubbly personality; my hair went straight and I walked places instead of bouncing everywhere. I found myself sad most of the time, and Carrot was worried about me.

“Surprise, what’s wrong with you?” he said one day.

I blinked slowly. “Nothing…”

“I know that’s a lie. You mope around all the time, you haven’t thrown a party since that thing for Li—oh.”

So he finally figured it out, did he?

He looked at me sympathetically. He knew exactly how I felt; he suffered the same uncertainty before asking Cup out, and now they’re getting married.

“So, why don’t you just tell him?” Carrot had just spent 45 minutes listening to me vent about Lightning. “He’s nice enough to let you down easy if he doesn’t feel the same way about you, and if he does love you, he’d be the perfect colt for you.”

I knew he was trying to comfort me, but it still didn’t help. Lightning’s ridicule still dominated my thoughts most of the time, and it terrified me. The worst part of it is that I knew it was all in my head…I just let it control me. I ultimately decided to not tell him about it yet. I wanted to be sure that he felt the same way about me before potentially putting our friendship on the line.

Love Always,
Surprise ^_^

Dear Diary,

It’s been 4 years since Lightning Runner and Rainbow Dash moved to Ponyville, 4 years since the party, 4 years since we were seen in a large crowd. Since I pushed my feelings for him to the back of my mind, we’ve become close friends. We have lunch every week, I foalsit Rainbow once in a while, and we talk all the time. He finally opened up about his past, and his mother. After she killed herself, he was depressed for months. I don’t think he ever saw himself being that affected by her death.

He has become happy in the past couple years, somepony you just want to be friends with. Other mares keep asking him out; he always refuses, saying he already loves somepony else. This surprises me every time, and it makes me wonder who this special pony is. Whoever it is, she must be amazing…he’s turned down some really nice fillies. I find myself wondering, sometimes, if I’m the pony he loves, but I usually manage to convince myself that’s not the case. I’m too ugly for him to love, and he deserves a more stable pony. There’s a bad storm tonight, so I can visit him and finally confess my feelings for him. Perhaps he’ll understand…

Love Always,
Surprise ^_^

Dear Diary,

I told him about my feelings about a month ago, and you already know how that went. The most beautiful moment of my dreams came true, and he shattered it to pieces by telling me he doesn’t love me!! The horrible part is I still love him. Though, I’d been feeling uneasy for a few days about a week ago, so I went to the doctor. I got a couple tests done and found something out that I couldn’t take at the time.

I found out I was pregnant…

Love Always,
Surprise

Dear Diary,

I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. I begged him to pay attention to me, just to listen, and he ignored me. The girls are due any day now, and I want them to have a dad to look up to. I hope she’s worth it, whomever he’s fawning over.

Love Always,
Surprise

Dear Diary,

The girls were born yesterday; they’re beautiful. I decided to name them Cloud and Breeze Lane. Those seem like nice enough names. What’s more: Lightning finally came. I didn’t let him in (I still don’t know why), but he left a note explaining his reasons for not visiting. It was written painfully, but it was amazing in its own way. I hope he comes back soon; I’m not in very good shape. His letter didn’t give me a lot of hope, and I need that now more than ever.

Love Always,
Surprise…

That was the last thing I entered into that old thing. Maybe today I’d be able to bring myself to put something new in it. I doubt that.

Today started beautifully, with no trace of last night’s storm in the sky. I knew it would be a good day right when I woke up. Cloud and Breeze were sitting quietly in their cribs, as always. I gave them their bottles, knowing that the silence meant they were hungry. They just stared at me for a few seconds; they did that a lot. I cried a bit inside. Why couldn’t they just be normal fillies? Why weren’t they trying to break anything, or knock anything over? It seemed wrong, but then again, I gave birth alone, so they might be too used to this place.

The only other place I could think of taking them was Lightning’s, but he’d freak if he found out he had daughters; he could barely handle his sister by himself, and he didn’t love me anyway. Better to ask one of my friends…maybe the Cakes? Carrot and Cup had gotten married recently, and I hadn’t gone.

I knew they were both worried about me, but since I moved to the old library, they hadn’t been able to visit. I’d lost touch with just about everyone after he tore my heart out. I was sure he didn’t mean to—he was just reacting the way anypony would if they’d made what they thought was a huge mistake—but it still hurt just the same.

What always hurt the most was one thing about me: I couldn’t hate him. He was flawed, yes, but he had given me two beautiful daughters, even without knowing it at the time. I still loved him, and I’d do anything for him on any day*.

As I circled around my room, I saw my reflection in the mirror; I screamed and broke it. I was tired of seeing such an ugly bitch in that thing, I wanted her to go away!!! As the pieces fell to the ground, I heard a knock at the door. I heard the door creak open, and his voice.

“Surprise?”

He must have seen the note. I scrambled to pick up the shards of glass, ignoring the fillies cries, and slipped.

I felt the glass slice my wrists open. I felt my head hit the bed.

I heard him scream.

Author’s Note: Well, it’s been a few days, hasn’t it? We’ve caught up to Lightning’s account of the story, with Surprise’s input. I’ve gotten some queries as to whether or not she’s dead. No news yet (aka, I know, but you have to wait). Also, props if you get the reference in the asterisked sentence.