Kind Hands

Later that evening, after the girls had been put to bed, I found myself in the princess’ throne room, wringing my hands as I waited for The Big One and co. to arrive. As I’d expected, I was the only one around, and the seemingly endless wait did little to calm my nerves.

I brushed my fingers over my left forearm, its uneven surface serving as a painful reminder of my previous escapade. The wound was still young, but I carried a great deal of pessimism about its recovery. Even in the dim candlelight that surrounded me, I could still make out the crimson that adorned my skin- a stark contrast to the pale complexion of the rest of my arm.

A loud bang coming from the doors behind me broke me out of my trance. From the darkness came a familiar griffon, bandaged, yet the smile on his face showed that he was great deal happier than I was. “That settles it, then,” I announced to the intruder, who looked back at me in confusion.

“What settles what?” Fairfeather replied, scratching the back of his neck. The movement seemed to cause him to feel the effects of his own injuries as it stretched the broken skin underneath his wing. In an instant, he moved to cradle his wound, almost missing my reply once I started speaking again.

“We’re gonna go kill something, aren’t we?”

I felt my mouth form a wry smile as I theorised. The enjoyment surely conflicted heavily with my continuous nervous shuffling; I doubt that it was easy for Fairfeather to deduce as to whether I was excited for some action or not. “Did you kill anything last time?” he asked with a degree of scepticism.

“Yeah- you.”

I softly elbowed Fairfeather in the ribs, taking care to avoid the site of the griffon’s injuries. My target flinched from the sudden contact, instinctively protecting his wound and chuckling to himself. “You’re not that good yet, ace. Try not to pass out next time.”

A redness flooded into my cheeks as I thought back to the events on Pastern Peak. Feeling some sardonic glee, I closed the distance between myself and Fairfeather, offering my hand. With a resounding clap, the griffon accepted the incredibly manly gesture. “It’s good to see you, mate.”

“Yeah, you too.”

We waited in the throne room for a while after that. The expectation was that the princesses would arrive at some point that evening, but the life of a monarch can apparently be time-consuming, so I busied myself with studying the stained glass around the room- what little I could see of it at least.

“What’s all this about?” I enquired, in need of a way to pass the time. I took in the sight of the artwork before me, but I couldn’t make heads-or-tails of any of it. Despite the limited exposure to Equestria that I’d received…well, I didn’t really know if this was Equestria or not.

“You kidding? This is Equestrian history,” Fairfeather answered as he strolled over to me. He peered at the glass before turning to face me with a grin. “…Starring that piece you were with that one time.”

Oh, that sneaky bastard. “Shit, that’s Twilight? I guess those tales that Celestia told me were true,” I mused as I observed the mare’s portrayal. I gazed at Twilight’s depiction, noting how obvious her portrayal was in hindsight. My vision shifted to the other members of the picture, some I recognised and some I didn’t, wondering whether there would be a time where I could-

“So, what’s the deal between you two?” Fairfeather blurted out, interrupting my thought process. “I doubt that was the last you saw of her.” He prodded my side- and he did well to avoid my retaliatory kick.

“She’s just a friend.”

“Ooh. Short answer. Tense.”

With this comment, Fairfeather prepared himself for another attack- but it never came as I stood in place, having been consumed by my thoughts again. I was vaguely aware of the griffon’s grin increasing in size, as I tripped over myself in pursuit of an explanation.

“I don’t even know her; I’ve only seen her a few times.”

“Yeah, but you were in a hurry to go see her last time.”

“That’s because she had the kids.”

“And a motherly role? I bet you feel special.”

“Shut up, man-”

Any potential tirade was abruptly cut off as Princess Celestia strode into the throne room with a bang, illuminating the space around her with her horn. Decisive and irritatingly controlled, she summoned an orb of light that floated up to the ceiling, casting its light down onto the floor below. “Why don’t you just get a chandelier?” I asked in response to the light show. I let out a yawn as the illuminations disrupted my vision.

The princess gave no notice to any grumblings. “I appreciate your patience,” she stated calmly. “Just one moment; we will begin once Princess Luna arrives.”

She raised a good point: little Luna was nowhere to be found. “Yeah, well, Princess Luna is probably on her lazy arse-” I began before being quickly cut off as something wrapped itself around my throat. Any smarmy musings were completely erased as I felt my airway begin to collapse.

“Princess Luna is trying her hardest not to strangle somepony with her magic right now,” a voice called out from behind me- one that I could easily recognise, even as my consciousness was fading away. The lack of any social restraint could only signal the arrival of the mare in question, who introduced herself with a prideful smile. “What did I say about your right to judge my sleeping habits?”

“Okay, okay, okay…” I choked out with ragged breaths.

“What was that?”

This was becoming a problem.

“Stop, stop, stop, stop…”

“Surely you can be louder than that…”

This was still a problem.

“Victory is yours! I submit!”

Having witnessed my outdated internet reference, Luna had apparently seen enough. With a sigh, she weakened her grip, allowing me a moment to scramble away and catch my breath. “Is this the life of luxury that I was promised?!” I coughed from behind Fairfeather, who had frozen in place, likely with the hopes that he would blend into the background if he stood still for long enough.

Hoping to regain some control of the conversation, Celestia spoke up again. “As you know, the Gala is due to take place at the end of this month, and…” She stopped once she caught a glimpse of my confused face. “…You do know, don’t you?”

All momentum was lost from our exchange as an awkward silence filled the room. We all stood there, staring blankly in awe of this incredible new piece of information. Only my uncomfortably deep breathing provided any sign of life in the throne room at all. What the hell is a ‘Gala’ anyway? Some kind of bingo night?

“Regardless,” Luna piped up. Bold of her to assume that ‘regardless’ would be sufficient when there were, indeed, things to be regarded. “We require you to take care of a swarm of Stymphalian birds; their numbers and their movements have been unpredictable as of late, and we fear that they may pose a risk to the Gala’s guests.”

The princess’ audience listened with widely varying levels of interest. Whilst Fairfeather appeared to be enraptured with the idea of going out on the hunt, I pushed a hand through my hair and scowled at the two monarchs. “You’re gonna send me to kill some birds?”

“These are not simply ‘birds’,” Luna clarified. “They are incredibly dangerous creatures, located deep in the Everfree Forest.”

“Everfree…?”

“A large forest on the outskirts of Ponyville. A dangerous place- the entire south side is covered in swampland,” Fairfeather interjected, as if he’d been waiting for an excuse to contribute to the discussion. “Been wanting to go there for a while. I heard it’s cursed; perfect place for somepony to…disappear.” His eyes widened as he continued to explain, contributing to an almost hungry look that was slightly concerning. This guy’s gonna betray me, isn’t he?

As I left the griffon to fantasise, I shifted back Celestia. “Does Twilight know about this? Because she always knows about everything.” The lovely sunbutt nodded once with a knowing smile that looked to be mocking me via candlelight. Or whatever you call the magic chandelier thing. The line sounded more impressive in my head.

“She has been informed of our request,” Celestia explained- again showing how being vague is apparently the key to thrusting yourself to the top of the social ladder. “She will meet up with you tomorrow, and you will then go with her to Ponyville.”

“And the kids?”

“Your foals will travel with you as well. You will be situated there for a number of days, so do be sure to pack some spare clothes.”

“You’re always so considerate, aren’t you?”

The princesses and I conversed for a while, with Fairfeather contributing every now-and-then, going through the plan of action. Apparently, population management wasn’t a uniquely human concept; pests needed to be destroyed and it was my job to do just that. Like some sort of bloody pesticide. I could be having a bath right now. Or a wank. I miss having a wank.

Eventually, the discussion drew to a close and I prepared to leave. No chance- I was halted by Celestia. “One more thing, young one: take these,” she stated from behind my back. In her magic, she carried what appeared to be a shield amongst a crude set of armour that was made from a material that I didn’t recognise. I held out my arms expectantly, happily accepting the gift, until I was able to wrap my fingers around this crazy new stuff.

“And these are…”

“Cork. I will leave that for the griffon to explain. Just take them with you to Ponyville.”

Ah yes. Cork. How didn’t I see this coming? On a serious note though, what did cork have to do with anything? Fairfeather would need to be good at explaining because this made no sense. But, my God, it was nice to rub against.

Brushing my hand over my new present, I shivered with delight as I felt my fingers brush against its surface. I lightly punched the material and felt my fist imbed itself into it, creating such a lovely suction that caused me to feel far more pleasure than it needed to.

Maybe someone had said something whilst I was…engrossed, but I heard bugger all. The suction…

Where was Twilight?

…

…

…

Come on, Dave- this is a mission.

Uh, so…I remained fixated on the item in my hands for a little while; apparently my need for an explanation could wait. But even the explainer had grown impatient, as, when I snapped out of my trance, I saw Luna heading towards the throne room’s entrance.

“Now, unless we have anything else to discuss, I must begin my nightly duties,” the night mare announced as she disappeared into the darkness. I don’t know why she didn’t just teleport.

Celestia concurred, stating, “As must the two of you, my young ones. Off to sleep now.” It was an abrupt way to end our little slumber party; she nonchalantly waved her hoof towards Fairfeather and I, shooing us away like the scum we were. The griffon could surely tell which way the wind was blowing, as a claw embedded itself into my shirt and soon, I felt myself be dragged out of the throne room.