Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria… You know what? No. Fuck that storybook shit. Here’s how it went down. Fucking golden age, Equestria got electric light, gas motorcars, and telephones in the span of a decade. Every home in the kingdom had a computer, all of them connected together by a magical frame called the Arcnet, Arcane Network. Even the Princesses decided that they had ruled the country alone for far too long, and left most of the business of government to an elected body, letting the better nature of ponies guide our shared future.

Here’s the problem, some ponies don’t HAVE a better nature, and a lot of the ones who ran for office were just the kind of pony you didn’t want getting power. Vain, greedy, and corrupt. Ponies who would sell their own souls for a chance at grabbing any kind of real power.

That’s where I come in. My job is to put those greedy bastards back into line. Oh no, not by going after them directly, getting them to throw themselves on their swords by hitting them where they hurt the most, their coffers.

My name is Swan Song. I’m a thief, stealing from the wealthy and connected for the betterment of Equestria, and of course, always looking out for my next big payday.

Harvest and Planter Bank. One of the largest banking conglomerates in the country, with outposts in every town. It was a trusted bastion of the Equestrian monetary system and that made it an attractive place for the less-than-ethical to stash their laundered bits. Of course Harvest and Planter held their money. Cash was cash, and the patronage of so many of the wealthy was marketed as a sign of excellence by the upper management.

This made them a target for me.

Any regular patrons of the bank would have amounts small enough to be insured, so I didn't feel anything wrong with making off with the contents of their vaults. Any heists on these banks hurt the wealthy, and the bank, far more than they hurt normal ponies, and I never once felt the need to pull my gun. Oh, sure, I was always carrying one, but only for the absolute worst case scenario. Even if I never wanted to draw it, having the giant revolver at my side made me feel safer when breaking into a bank.

Today though, one of the Manehatten branches of the bank was playing host to something that really got under my skin. The Manehatten Police Department was rotten to the core, taking bribes from the very gangs they were supposed to defend the public from, and the pigs were stashing their latest haul, before it could be divvied out to the cops on the beat.

The cops are allowed to steal from us, aren't they? Well, it seems only fair then that I be allowed to steal from them. I at least plan to put it to good use, rather than it ending up, eventually, into some wealthy bastard's horde.

"Oh yeah, work that shit..."

"Mind if I interrupt?" I suppressed a laugh as the ash-gray pegasus nearly fell out of his wheelchair. He scrambled to close his laptop, very angrily looking up at me.

"Swan, can't you ever come in through the front door?"

"I could, Kilo, but where's the fun in that? Hey, maybe one of these days, I'll get you so good it'll cause your legs to grow back." I offered good-naturedly. Kilo wasn't as amused, rolling his eyes as he wheeled himself over to a door in the back of his shop. "Got what I asked for?"

"I cleaned it up nice and special for you, Swan." Kilo said as he opened the door with a wing. Kilo's workshop was an immaculate space. Weapons, spare parts, and maintenance tools lined the walls or were neatly sorted in cabinets and shelves. A large workbench sat in the center, where an immaculately maintained old army revolver rested on a stand. "You know that thing's an antique, right? I can get you something more modern."

"I know that that gun is the last thing I have of my family, Kilo. It was my grandfather's and~"

"And the only thing you were able to steal from the police impound when you were a kid. Yeah... Still, you could be using something from this century at least." Kilo waved me off. "You gonna pay me for restoring it or what?"

I dropped a stack of 20 bit notes onto the workbench as I picked up the old Peacemaker revolver. I admit, I put the old thing through the wringer multiple times. I took care of it as best I could, but eventually I just had to give it over to the professional.

"I'm not giving up Grandpa's pistol, but maybe I'll take a modern rifle. Got a KA?" I asked, looking around at the various automatic rifles on the walls.

"Oh no, you're not using any of that trash. The KA sacrifices accuracy for reliability. You want a rifle that will hit the target every time, not one that never jams." Kilo shook his head. "I don't have anything for you here right now, come back in a few days, I'll have a proper rifle for you. Got plans?"

"Nothing too special, I'm hitting a bank pretty soon to piss off the pigs. I just got a feeling that I'm gonna need some heavier firepower pretty soon." I shrugged, sliding the revolver into its holster on my hip. It felt right having it there.

"Yeah, business has been really good lately, I think you're right to feel like something's coming." Kilo shook his head. "Where are you hitting?"

"Harvest and Planter, the branch on 32nd and 2nd. Got anything on the inside?" I asked hopefully. Kilo had a freakish amount of connections. He seemed to know anyone and everyone somehow.

"Hmm... Let me think..." Kilo opened his laptop again, pointedly avoiding the tab with his porn, to open up a list of schematics. He laughed. "Oh yeah, it's an old building, there's an air vent into the vault. They've got it disguised on the roof as a service shaft, so you'll have to pick a lock, but after that you're in the clear."

I hugged Kilo in his chair.

"You're the best, Kilo."

"Yeah, I know. Plus, you getting in and out means more money in my pocket. Oh, hey, Hypnos got you performing in Canterlot next week, right?"

"How did you... Nevermind. Yeah, she got me booked at some club in the Old City, a really nice place, and it pays pretty well too." I smiled. It was hard to figure out which one was my actual job and which was my hobby, lounge singing and bank robbing were both talents of mine.

"Keep an eye out, I got friends up there. Friends I think you'd 'like'." Kilo raised his eyebrows provocatively. I snorted.

"Yeah, sure, as if I'd ever go slumming with one of your 'friends', Kilo."

"Says one of my oldest friends."

"Your only friend, which is how I know."

Kilo laying out how to get in was going to make this heist almost painfully easy, but that didn't mean I wasn't going to be careful. No daylight raids if they didn't need to be and if I had a way into the vault through a vent, then I didn't need the door unlocked.

I spent the day getting everything ready. Fitting the winch into a saddlebag was probably the hardest part, getting the rig in there without breaking it. Then came casing the place. It was a busy location, which kept me from going too deep in, also kept me from parking my car close by, much to my irritation. I stood on the opposite side of the street, leaning against a stoop while taking a long drag from a cigarette as I looked over the bank. Kilo was right, it was a really old building, kept up to code with the cheapest means possible, which meant all the better for my interests. The fire escape was bolted onto the side in an alleyway, with a ladder that dropped straight from the catwalks to the ground. Evidently Harvest and Planter didn't even want to pay extra for a sliding ladder. I was almost surprised that there was even a gate keeping people from going into the alley. It had a cheap padlock closing it.

There was a rationale behind it, I suppose. If you didn't want people poking their noses into something, there are two ways to go about doing that. You either make it as outwardly threatening as possible, using barbed wire and hulking brutes with guns, or you make it so outwardly mundane and boring that no one would ever think it was even worth poking around. Hiding in plain sight was a strategy after all.

I pressed my cigarette into the side of the stoop to extinguish it, tossing it in a nearby garbage can as I walked away. Easy in, hopefully easy out. Simple winch back up the vent, back down the fire escape, either on this building or one of the nearby buildings. The out was the most important part, since I had to make off with the loot once I had it, preferably without getting killed or arrested.

I walked around a few blocks, killing time after nightfall. I didn't want to go in as soon as it was dark. Every hour I waited decreased the chance of me being spotted by a random pedestrian, plus it gave me time to scope out a few other possible methods of escape. It was around 11pm when I made it back to Harvest and Planter and I got straight to work.

Looking around one last time, I pulled my mask on over my face. Even if I didn't expect witnesses or cameras, I wasn't taking any chances. The light around my horn was faint, I didn't need to be pushing hard, just enough to work my lockpicks. Sure, I heard stories of experienced thieves being able to use just their magic to open locks, manipulating the tumblers and pins, I even saw that in a few video games, but that was way beyond my level, though I liked to think I had gotten pretty good with my lockpick set. Careful manipulation of the pick and the lock fell open. The gate squeaked as it opened, but I didn't pay it any mind. There was no one around, I could afford a little sound.

Making my way up the fire escape, I spared a glance across the skyline of Manehatten. I loved this city at night, even if I hated the people who ran it. The door disguising the air shaft was locked, like Kilo said it would be, though it was even easier than the padlock to click open. I dropped my saddlebags down to prop the door open, before pulling out the winch parts. I had used it before as part of a zipline assembly, so I already knew it could carry both my weight and whatever I was holding onto, which in this case would be duffle bags full of cash and valuables. I looked at my watch, setting an alarm. An hour and a half, that was all I needed.

Lowering myself down, I carefully moved the vent grate before poking my head down. The vault looked as old as the building. No cameras, lots of safe deposit boxes. Four saran wrapped blocks of cash. The money was beautiful AND I had time to comb through the safes. I dropped the duffle bags down before lowering myself to the ground.

"It's beautiful." I whispered happily. "Absolutely beautiful."

I could tell this was dirty pig money, not a single note to be found over 20 bits, any larger and it'd be easy to trace. While that limited the haul, it did make my job easier. Meant that it was unlikely to contain a dye pack, though I still checked every wad of cash as it went into my bags. Every bank strap was worth 2,000 bits, and I was throwing hundreds into my bags. It was better than any drug, the elation of stealing from the corrupt.

The feeling of weight as I hefted up one of the duffle bags was the weight of 2 million bits. It was soon joined by a second, equally heavy bag. As I lifted myself back up the vent, I started thinking about what I was going to do with it. When you steal this much money at once, the last thing you want to do is spend it. Most of it was going to go to a black market broker I knew, stashing it in a bank account away from the prying eyes of Equestrian law enforcement. Mine was in Alexandramare, my hard stolen bits living it up in a private account alongside other underworld luminaries. But, out of a 4 million haul, just counting the bits, I was looking at a solid 350,000 bits I could keep for myself, the rest going into my rainy day fund. That new gun from Kilo, some renovations on my home, maybe a nice vacation. There was always a way to pay for things in cash.

I kissed the bags as I set them down on the roof with my saddlebags.

"Now you two don't go anywhere. Momma's gonna make one last look around before taking you home."

Second rappel down, I got to work on the safes. I had a policy when it came to these. I only stole what could be replaced from these. Normal, everyday ponies used these, and I had no issue with them. That is... until I opened the first box.

It was a stack of papers, the top of which was a letter, addressed from Ludwig Schweinhurst, the current member of Parliament for the city of Manehatten.

'Guten tag, Herr Commissioner.

I'm writing to thank you for your generosity in providing police escort for the safekeeping of my property as it was moved to the First City Bank. As you know, I went to great expense to acquire that gift from the Prime Minister, and I can assure you that his own generosity will extend down to you, Herr Commissioner.

I look forward to working with you more in the future.

Signed,
Ludwig Schweinhurst, MP for Greater Manehatten.'

"First City Bank?" I stared at the letter. What the hell was the pig keeping at First City that warranted police protection? My interest was piqued, enough that it distracted me in thought. The alarm on my watch went off. I sighed. Time to leave, any longer and I started to risk discovery on the way down. Closing the safe, I hooked myself back up to the winch, replacing the vent grate on the way back up.

I disassembled the winch as soon as I reached the roof, throwing everything back into my saddlebags and closing the door behind me. No evidence of my entry, save the disappearance of the cash. Hefting everything onto my back, I began to make my way back down the fire escape, dropping the duffle bags to the ground before descending the last ladder.

I quickly moved everything across the street, tossing it behind a dumpster before pulling my mask off. With the cover of an unmasked face, I took off at a steady trot to where I left my car. I spent way too much on the parking meter, just to keep myself from having to pay a ticket. When I lived a life of grand crimes, something as little as a parking ticket could end up dooming me. Spend a little now to make a lot later. That was how I treated planning my heists. Sure, I put nearly twenty bits into the meter to reserve a spot overnight, but I was making off with four million. A fine tradeoff in my opinion.

I pulled around to where I left my bags, throwing everything into the back seat. When I drove off, I finally relaxed, and started laughing.

"That was perfect! Perfect!" I patted the wheel. "I love payday! Oh, Celestia! I love payday!"

I kept driving, leaving the bustling streets of Manehatten Island behind. I didn't live in the city itself, it was too expensive and made me too easy to follow if I ever needed to get away. A nice, two story house in Yokers, a suburb on the mainland. Everything had gone so well that my phone ringing right as I pulled into my driveway almost made me crash through my own wall.

"Hypnos, you almost gave me a heart attack." I gasped into the phone as I answered. "It's my night off."

"I know, I know, but I wanted to ask how it went." The silky voice of Hypnotic Dreams, my regular employer, came over the line. "I know you tend to have exciting nights when you're not at work."

"It went well, part of why your phone call nearly killed me, Hypnos. Don't worry, it wasn't enough to convince me to quit. I'd be too bored anyway if I retired." I chuckled.

"Well congratulations. I do love when you have a fruitful night and I love hearing that I'm keeping my favorite singer. There's another reason I called too. Are you still good to perform in Canterlot next week?"

"Of course, Hypnos! You know I'd never turn up a chance to sing in the Old City. Oh! There's something I need to ask you too. You moved my 401k to the First City Bank, right?"

"I did, you'll have to go in to confirm it was transferred over however. Are you already planning something new?"

"Just came across something that I wanted to check out, Hypnos. Alright, I gotta go, gonna get some sleep. I'll be in on time tomorrow."

"No worries, Dulcet. Have a good night." Hypnos hung up, leaving me smiling in my garage. I was already thinking about my next payday.

Author's Note

Earned 4,000,000 bits for completing the contract. Made it out with two bag(s) for a total value of 4,000,000 bits. Did not steal any loose items and cash.

Sent to offshore account: 3,690,000 bits
Change in available spending cash: 310,000 bits