Good Stallions Don't...

“Um, your attention please, everycreature.” Fluttershy gently tapped a hoof against the wooden floor of the town hall and the crowd went quiet. “It’s wonderful to see so many new faces for tonight’s event. Oh, it’s never been a better time to be a xenophile in Ponyville!”

I cracked my knuckles. This speed dating night was my big chance. There had to be one mare in town who saw me as more than a walking protein shake. I wasn’t going to sit around like Shining Armour, waiting for my princess to show up. I was going to find that cutie, snuggle her and never let her go. If I could get just one mare on my side, the fight for equality would seem a lot less lonely.

“You all have a questionnaire in front of you,” Fluttershy continued. “Please fill it out so that my lovely wife can connect you with your most compatible matches. Hopefully you’ll find your special somecreature tonight, just like I have with Eris!”

The meek, coltish yellow pegasus gave a loving look to the all powerful being of pure feminine conflict, who was chewing bubblegum and filing her nails. “You will do it right, won’t you, honey?” Fluttershy asked.

“Of course! Match everycreature with the partner who will cause the most hilarious chaos! No problem.”

Fluttershy put a hoof on her wife’s chest. “No, sweetie, I’m being very clear that is what you should not do.”

Eris blew a pink bubble so large it swallowed her entire body. “We should try it my way.” The goddess of strife lazily floated in her bubble towards the ceiling of Ponyville’s town hall.

“We tried it your way last time, and you matched everycreature with a different kind of stinky cheese!”

“And we all went home completely sated! Most successful evening ever!”

A puff of smoke appeared above Fluttershy’s head. “Well, we’re trying it my way this time, OK, sassafras?” she snapped.

The pink bubble popped, sending Eris falling to earth. “Yes, dear,” she groaned.

“Ugh, sorry, Paul, just a second.” Gabby, the griffon across the table from me, grunted and shifted her incredible ass, trying once again to back that massive dumptruck into a chair sized for a more modest plot. “I hate these dumb pony chairs... what were you saying?”

I squatted down on my own chair and took a sip of water to calm myself. I stared at the bountiful ass flesh and thigh meat squeezing out of every gap in the chair Gabby had forced herself into. Her grey tail flickered in the air, holding a promise of nighttime fun and morning teasing.

“I was just saying that species doesn’t matter to me,” I assured Gabby. My cock swelled beneath my nicest loincloth, and I begged him not to embarrass me with a premature hello. “Human, pony, griffon... just the back half of a griffon... I don’t believe in any barriers to love.”

Gabby’s bird head twisted around with confusion. “I’m flattered, Paul, but I’m not looking for romance right now. I’m really busy with my graduate studies at the School of Friendship.”

“So then why did you come to a speed dating event?”

“Gosh, is that what this is?” Gabby looked around at the chatty couples. “Oops! I came because I heard there was free cheese. But since I’m here, why don’t I suck your dick? I’ve never blown a human before!”

“I could go for something casual,” I admitted. “Is the beak going to be a problem?”

“Oh, it’s a huge problem! You’re in for some lacerations.”

“M-maybe later, then.”

“Anytime!” Gabby stood up and turned around. The chair squeezed onto her stupendously plump ass swung about and sent my water glass flying. “Would you mind prying this off of me? You might have to reach pretty deep up my crack.”

“Sure, Gabby.” I reached out with shaking hands for sweaty griffon buns, trying to keep from fainting. “I’m h-happy to help...”

My first real date that evening was a glamorous, well dressed earth pony named Octavia. I couldn’t believe my luck. High class women really get my apples bucking, especially when they have a nasty streak. Where Rarity was glittery and flashy, Octavia was subtle and sophisticated. I could just imagine her greeting me at the door with a dry martini and a wet blowjob.

“I require an exotic trophy husband to accompany me to my concerts and events.” Octavia’s voice was low and husky, and her sexy accent sounded like an orgy at a manor house. “Purely for show, you understand. There will be nothing between us, but you’ll be well paid.”

“That could work,” I admitted. Acting as hoof candy to a mare like Octavia was better than most of the other jobs a male could get in Equestria. And who’s to say this gorgeous creature wouldn’t warm to me, in time?

“Good.” With a clank, Octavia dropped a medieval metal construction onto the table. “I’ll be caging you, of course — permanently. I can’t have that disgusting thing between your legs causing a scandal.” She looked around the crowded hall. “Shall I put it on you now, or would you like to try for one last orgasm with one of these whores?”

I swiftly raised my hand. “Fluttershy, next, please!”

“I hate these things,” Rainbow Dash griped. “Everypony here is so fake, ya know?” She reached under the table and grabbed at my crotch. “Damn, but that’s not fake!” She glanced at my name tag. “Phil, right?” Before I knew what was going on, the slender pegasus had flapped across the table and tugged my dick out of my loincloth. She impaled her tiny horse pussy on my erection, gripped my shoulders and bounced herself up and down, rapid fire. “Oh, yeah!” she groaned. “Finally, a cock worthy of the Dash!”

I moaned, helpless before the Wonderbolt’s athletic onslaught. Her speed and tightness were beyond anything I’d felt before. “W-what? Why? What are you doing?” I protested.

“Speed dating, duh! Hey, let’s get married, how about it? Go to Rarity’s and pick out a collar. I’ll pay for it. Just don’t go over 100 bits. I’m not made of money. Unnngh! Uuungh! Yeah!” In seconds, Rainbow Dash squirted all over my thighs, then flapped off of my cock and leaned down to kiss the swollen glans.

“Awesome sex, toots. Do you want foals? Me neither. See you at the wedding! Dash gotta dash!” In a puff of rainbow, she was gone.

“I... I want foals...” I stammered out.

“...And we can have foals if you want, and you’ll get free cupcakes, and all of my love, and you can smooch me, even in public, and I’ll smooch back! Oh, and I’ll keep my booty lubed so you can put it in my butt anytime! And—”

“Pinkie, that sounds great, but don’t you already have a special somepony?”

“I sure do! His name’s Cheese Sandwich and he’s super duper cute! He gets all of this stuff too!”

“Don’t you think you should focus on the guy you already love?”

“Aww, you’re sweet! And I know sweets — I’m Pinkie Pie! Hey, you’ll also get to taste test my recipes! Did I mention that? And you can help me out in the kitchen, and brush my mane, and I’ll sing silly songs for you, and...”

I finally got rid of Pinkie, only to be confronted with a duo of cutie pies: a sassy looking mint green unicorn and a more demure cream coloured earth pony.

“We’re a lesbian couple looking for a third,” the unicorn explained. “No collars, no commitments. We just need a dumb himbo to give us our daily penis injections.”

“You’ll sleep in the guest room,” the earth pony added, “and you can live your own life when we don’t need you.”

This wasn’t the true love I’d come here to find, but I couldn’t deny that it fed right into my most shameful fantasies. Watching two pretty lesbians spread each other for me... showing them what a real cock could do... “As long as it’s not exclusive,” I agreed. “I’m your himbo, girls.”

“Oh, thank Celestia. Finally, somepony else to listen to Lyra’s dumb conspiracy theories.”

“Shut your cocksleeve, Bon Bon,” the unicorn snapped. “Paul, listen to me: changelings aren’t real. They fake it with magic and mirrors. I’ll tell you all about it while you’re pounding my butthole.”

“Wow, we’re going right to anal?” I stuttered.

“My pussy’s reserved for my wife, you moron. What part of ‘lesbian’ don’t you understand?”

“Erm... all of it, I think?”

As Lyra and Bon Bon angrily trotted away from my table, a spicy looking earth pony slid into my view. Her name tag identified her as “Lily,” and the namesake flower pressed into her flowing blonde mane was fresh and lovely. Her pristine pink coat looked quite strokeable... not to mention the well rounded flank I’d glimpsed as she slipped into the chair across from me!

“Hey there, tall, handsome, and bipedal...” Lily’s voice smouldered and she bit her lip, coming on strong and making an excellent first impression that got Paul Junior jumping beneath his loincloth. “I saw on your questionnaire that you like to spitroast naughty little mares like me.”

“Sure, I’m down for a threeway now and then,” I admitted. To be honest, the mares of Equestria were so sexually demanding, that I welcomed the help! “Do you have another guy in mind?”

“I’ve only got eyes for you tonight, big boy,” Lily murmured, fluttering her eyelashes at me. “Pony stallions are such wimps, don’t you think? I’ve been searching for a strong, dominant male. Somecreature who’ll put me in my place and treat me like a piece of meat.”

“It has been a while since I was in charge in the bedroom,” I admitted. “Have you ever tried bondage?” Lily would look great on her back, I thought, her hind legs tied behind her head, her juicy holes helplessly spread open for my pleasure... and hers! “Back on Earth, I used to be pretty good with ropes and stuff.”

“Ooh, yeah, truss me up and stuff me, that’s the ticket!” Lily moaned excitedly and her eyes rolled back in her head.

“You can count on it, sweet thing,” I promised. “With a cutie like you, I don’t plan on stopping until I fill you to the brim.” This felt amazing! After all this time, a mare was actually taking the time to flirt with me! Despite the utter filth spewing from both our mouths, the mood was almost romantic!

“You’ve got me stewing in my own juices, stud.” Lily touched my wrist with one front hoof and slyly beckoned me forward with the other. “Come on, let’s ditch all these losers and go back to my place. I’m submissive and edible, and I’m all yours tonight.”

“Erm, you mean submissive and breedable, right?”

“Mmm, I can’t wait for you to sink those sharp ape teeth into my neck.” The earth pony practically fainted onto the table, her breath coming in sharp gasps, her eyes fixated on my slowly gaping jaws.

“Holy shit... why me?” I muttered to myself, trying to find any way out of this conversation as I realized exactly what this mare was after. I thought my other dates were way out there, but Lily was utterly INSANE!

“Your love bites will hurt so good, but I need more. I need to be inside you, satisfying your hunger.” Lily sensually drew a hoof across her throat with a slicing motion. “I just hope you’re not looking for a long term relationship!”

“Lily, you’ve got it all wrong!” I insisted. I looked around frantically, half expecting the pony police to burst in and arrest me. “Just because I’m not a wimp doesn’t mean I’m into that! I-I’m just looking for a normal girl who likes it when I slap her ass and talk dirty! A mare who’ll listen to me complain when I come home from work, who wants to spend quality time and raise our foals together!”

“WHAT?” Lily shrieked. “Get away from me, you pervert!”

“Paul, can I talk to you for a minute?”

“Sure, Fluttershy, what’s up?”

The beautiful pegasus sat on the other side of my table and brushed her mane away from her face. My heart skipped a beat: for a moment I dared to think that I’d caught her eye. But the disappointment in her voice came through.

“Um, I can’t help but notice that you’ve been turning down some very lovely mares.”

“Oh, do you mean the party girl who already has a boyfriend?” I snapped sarcastically. “Or the rich bitch who wants to lock up my dick? Or maybe the psycho who wants me to turn her into barbecue?”

Fluttershy clicked her tongue, as if my close call with Lily the would-be ponyburger hadn’t even happened. “I’m surprised to hear such kinkshaming from you. After all, there’s no wrong way to fantasize.”

“I think I just saw one wrong way!”

“You’ve got to be realistic, Paul. A stallion at your age can’t afford to be picky if he wants to get that collar. Now, what about Rainbow Dash? I thought you two really hit it off.” With the lift of a wing, Fluttershy consulted the survey cards that showed my dates’ opinions of me. “She gave you very high marks for ‘awesomeness’ and ‘cuminsidability,’ which isn’t even a word.”

“Are you serious? She just flew up and fucked me! She didn’t listen to anything I said! She got my name wrong!”

“You can always change her after you marry her. Face it, Paul, your clock is ticking. Tick tock, tick tock~”

“I’m only 22!”

Fluttershy frantically shooshed me with her wings. “Don’t advertise it! Please, I’m trying to help you. I hate to think of you ending up lonely and bitter.”

All around me, desirable mares sat and chatted with my fellow stallions, smiling and touching hooves. “What about all these other ladies?” I pointed at a blue unicorn wearing a mage’s hat, her head thrown back with laughter. “She seems nice, what about her? Eris is only giving me the weirdoes!”

Fluttershy frowned. “Paul, those other mares are eights and nines,” she told me. “You’re more like a five. Maybe a six if you smiled more. If you really can’t find somepony by the end of the night, then Eris and I will take you home, but you have to try. Please? Try for me?”

I sighed and played the only card I had in this dumb horse universe. “Can you let some of the eights and nines know that I like eating pussy?”

Fluttershy’s wings flapped out as she startled in her chair. “Oh, but why wait for the end of the night? We can take you home right now!”

“Please, just tell them?”

Fluttershy looked disappointed and her wings drooped. “OK. I’ll spread it around, quietly. But, um, there’s a spare key to my cottage hidden in the mailbox.” The yellow pegasus winked at me. “You just let yourself in anytime, you sexy human, you. Eris won’t mind... as long as she gets to watch.”

The blue unicorn wearing the mage’s hat sat before me with an expectant smile. This is more like it, I thought. She’s cute, she’s friendly, she’s magical. This is my future special somepony, I just know it!

“Trixie was intrigued by your blatant offer of oral sex,” the mare confessed. “The boldness of a mare, in the body of a stallion!” She glanced over my human figure. “Well, close enough.”

“Whoa, you’re Trixie?” I gasped. “As in ‘The Great and Powerful Trixie?’”

“None greater, or more powerful!”

“Didn’t you try to enslave Ponyville? Why aren’t you in jail?”

“Community service.” Trixie puffed up her chest floof. “The Helpful and Penitent Trixie is proud to say that she is 98% reformed!”

All of a sudden, my quest for a special somepony could wait: I had a more important task in mind. “I’m more interested in the other 2 percent,” I told Trixie.

The unicorn’s eyes flashed. “I see,” she murmured darkly. “You lust after the ‘bad mare’ type. Trixie thought she’d put her past behind her, but it seems the stallions can’t get enough. Be warned, human — the Naughty and Villainous Trixie has certain requirements, which must be met before she will frolic with the likes of you.”

“I’m listening,” I assured her.

“First, you will kiss Trixie’s pussy. As many stallions do, eagerly, all the time!”

I took Trixie’s hoof in my hands and gazed into her eyes. “I’d love to kiss your pretty pony pussy,” I promised, laying it on thick. “I’ll kiss it til it makes a mess all over my face.”

“Y-you will? I mean, of course you will! You tramp.” Trixie snatched her hoof away. “Hrmph. Second, you will always refer to Trixie as... ‘Trixie.’”

“Can do.”

“We’ll see. Finally, you will never try to tie Trixie down by asking for her collar!”

“I just want to talk to you. How did you take over Ponyville?”

“Thereby hangs a tale.” Trixie leaned in, overwhelming me with the smell of wine on her breath. “Why not spend the night in a certain caravan, eh? The Seductive and Bountiful Trixie will tell you every detail, as you feast between her thighs!”

“Lead the way...” I stroked her hoof again. “...Trixie.”

“Ooh, good colt.”

As I followed Trixie towards the exit, passing through a crowd of staring, whispering mares, I overheard the gossip machine Fluttershy had put into motion.

“They say he learned how in the Royal Guard...”

“I hear Cadance trained him personally.”

“I heard, where he comes from, they all do it!”

“Book me a ticket, right? Hahahah!”

I returned dozens of blushing, curious glances with the same naughty smile, encouraging the rumours to flow and spread. For once I didn’t mind the objectifying attention, as a dastardly scheme was slowly forming in my mind.

The only things these mares respected about me were my body and my willingness to pleasure them... yet they craved that male love and attention more than anything. At last, I was beginning to see how I could use this to my advantage. Even if my plan should fail, the worst that would happen would be some lameass attempt at “reforming” me. But I wouldn’t fail... I couldn’t! Yes, I’d show Equestria the true power of a stallion!

But first, it was time to snack on some magically delicious pussy, and get my rocks off with a stacked 9/10 unicorn hottie. Guys have needs, too, after all!