Good Stallions Don't...

In a quiet bar on the edge of Ponyville that evening, a lonely human sat crying and listening to sad jazz. Even after four Sweet Apple-tinis, I wasn’t drunk enough to stop the pain of being trapped in this unfair universe. At last I drank the last watery drops from my glass and picked out an ice cube to rub against my black eye.

“Hey,” I heard a mare’s quiet voice behind me, “I heard you had a real shit stain of a day.” I looked up from my glass to see Muffins “Derpy” Hooves, Ponyville’s mailmare, smiling at me.

“Welcome to the fucked up eye club.” She pointed to her own lazy eye. “Can I buy you a drink?”

“Why?” I grunted. “Because you want to take me home and screw me?”

“I sure do,” Derpy admitted, “but now’s not the right time. I know how it is on a day like this. Bartender, two vodkas.”

The barkeep pushed a glass of vodka towards Derpy, then she poured a second glass for me and garnished it with a pineapple slice, a gumdrop, a full can of cranberry juice and a paper umbrella. “Here you are, cutie,” she whispered with a wink.

I reluctantly reached for my adulterated drink, only to find that Derpy had noticed my disappointment and switched our glasses, pulling the fruity cocktail away from me and substituting the simple liquor the barkeep had poured for her. In an instant I caught Derpy’s eye, then looked away, ashamed at the gratitude I felt for this tiny gesture. I curled my hand around this understanding mare’s precious gift: a frigid glass filled with nothing but pure, manly, mind destroying alcohol.

“Cheers!” Derpy smiled. I clinked my glass against hers. She noisily slurped her sweet mixture and giggled, spitting out the paper umbrella.

“I think it’s really impressive what you did,” the grey pegasus told me with a friendly smile. “They say you’re the first male ever to turn villain. Nightmare Moon, Eris, Chrysalis, Trixie, Umbra, Tireque, Starlight, the Storm Queen, the Mare of Shadows, Cozy Glow... nopony thought stallions could be evil, until today. And thanks to you, Shining Armour is the first stallion to be a hero.”

I sipped my vodka slowly, savouring the burning sensation as it dribbled down my throat. “Shining Armour’s a sellout to the cause,” I snarled. “I hope he likes getting his ass rimmed out by his precious Princess of Love.”

“I’m sure he does.” Derpy breathed in sharply. “I love having my ass... ahem. Never mind.”

“Do you know what the worst thing is?” I hiccuped. “Shining’s completely pussywhipped, but he’s more of a man than I am.” Tears ran down my cheeks as I confessed my ultimate failure. “At least he hit me! I couldn’t even fight back. I-I know all those Guardsmares, Derpy. Damn me, but I love them! I could never hurt them.”

Derpy set a gentle hoof on my shoulder. “You were standing up for what you believe in,” she said soothingly, “and you refused to harm the ponies who got in your way. That makes you way better than most villains. And, hey, you’re still here. You had a really bad day, but it didn’t break you.”

I downed the rest of my vodka, hoping it would finish the job the Sweet Apple-tinis had begun. “So what was it for you?” I croaked, wiping my lips. “What was your shit stain of a day?”

“The day my husband left me.” Derpy sighed sadly. “He jumped into a magic blue box that took him to another universe, and he left me here to take care of the foal.”

I shook my head. “That’s terrible.”

Derpy opened her saddlebag and took out a photo of a unicorn filly who smiled awkwardly through a set of braces. “This is my little Dinky.” Her voice cracked. “I’ve been trying my best, but every day’s a struggle.”

“Aww, I’m so sorry, Derpy.”

“And now I wonder... was my husband like you? Maybe he wanted something stallions aren’t allowed to have, and Equestria wore him down til he couldn’t stand it anymore. But he should have talked to me, he shouldn’t have left. I don’t give one bit what a stallion’s allowed to have or supposed to be. All I know is, my little girl needs a daddy.”

“So now you go around bars looking for somepony to wear your collar?”

Derpy sniffled. “I’m past that, Paul. My husband wore my collar, it didn’t make him stay. I’m looking for real affection and companionship. Oh, and hot sex every night: that’s why I hit the bars.”

Despite myself, Derpy’s honesty had disarmed me and caught my attention. She was twice my age, but very pretty, and chubby in all the right places. She saw my interest and gently moved forward.

“I’m OK with something that’s just for tonight,” she told me. “But if you want a mare who’ll listen, and you don’t mind raising another guy’s daughter... maybe we could try for more?”

A normal life with a mare who wasn’t insanely sexist? I could even finally fulfill my dream of becoming a father. I picked the photograph up off of the bar top. Dinky looked like a sweet filly, someone I’d be proud to raise as my own. We could teach her new values based on equality and respect.

“What happens now?” I asked. “I’ve never been picked up in a bar before.”

“It’s simple as can be,” Derpy reassured me. “We go get a pizza, I show you my place, and then you fuck me til I can’t stand up.”

“Won’t your daughter hear us?”

Derpy laughed. It was a beautiful sound. A sound I wanted to hear for years to come. “Oh, don’t you worry about Dinky.”

“Tada!” Derpy pushed open the door with a hoof. “Home sweet home! Just put the pizza in the kitchen, Paul, and I’ll get out some plates.”

“Sure thing, Derpy.” I walked into the living room and suddenly stopped, stunned by pure beauty. Sitting on the couch, playing on a Neighstation, was an absolute knockout of a mare. Wholesome and radiant, she made Princess Cadance look like a chain smoking hooker. Light caught her perfectly shaped purple flank as she shifted on the couch. Her blonde mane swished back and forth lightly against her supermodel features as she breathed excitedly, intent on her game. Her hooves tapped rapidly on her controller with a gentleness and dexterity that made my cockhead brush against my loincloth in hopeful anticipation.

“Hey, sweetie~” Derpy called out as she hung up her coat.

“Are you the babysitter?” I asked the mare on the couch.

“No, silly, I’m Dinky!” The gorgeous unicorn smiled, showing perfect teeth. “You must be Paul. The human, right? Wow, Mom hit the jackpot tonight! I can’t wait to ride you!”

My knees knocked together and I dropped the pizza box to the ground. “But... I thought Dinky was...”

Dinky pouted. “Mom, are you still showing those old pictures around? I’m 19, for pony’s sake!”

“Oh gosh, I keep meaning to get new ones taken, but who can find the time?”

“Mom brings home a lot of stallions,” Dinky told me, “but I’ve got a good feeling about you.” The beautiful unicorn, barely younger than me, patted the cushion next to her and licked her lips. “You just let me know when you want me to start calling you ‘daddy...’”

My knees gave out and I fainted onto the couch. “Whoa, are you OK?” Dinky asked, but I couldn’t do any more than let out a moan of confused arousal. As my consciousness faded, I heard Dinky’s mother cry out: “It was going so well! I just don’t know what went wrong!”