Beat Hazard

[My conscience Inferno speaks like this]

  {I reply like this}

Present Day

"How long does mating season last anyways?" I asked Prince.

"Um....like three days, so anyone that got caught are probably gonna get their brains fucked out for like 72 hours." He replied. We've been locked in his house for a day, and I was on the brink of insanity.

"Wanna go outside wearing protective armor?" I asked wanting to do something.

"Let's see I have MJOLNIR MK.VI armor, two Assault rifles, twenty condoms that I never used, two Magnums, four frag grenades and two Armor Lock modules." Prince showed me. I stared back at him wildly. "What? I know a guy."

So after putting on our body armor, and loading our weapons with pellets, you know, because we can't actually kill the mares, you think that I want no action on my dick? We picked up the grenades and walked out slowly, very slowly. The city was quiet, way to quiet. We suddenly saw a mare run into the street sniffing out and looking for a stallion. We galloped behind a concrete slab for cover.

"Damn, either the stallions are hiding or they're all in a BDSM chamber." I said quietly.

"On the count of three, we shoot her, one, two, THREE!" Prince yelled. We both jumped up the knock the fuck out of the mare, but stopped when we saw who it really was. It was Pearl, and she looked like she just found a gold mine. She galloped at us with the speed of a fucking jaguar.

"THAT'S MY GIRLFRIEND! DON'T SHOOT! DON'T SHOOT!" Prince screamed.

After that very loud interlude, about 5 other mares popped out and galloped at us.

"FUCK IT! SHOOOOOOOOT!" I screamed.

We shot, but we didn't shoot, we fucking shot the hell out of every mare that we saw. They're not dead...I think. After checking their pulses, and Prince getting a quick thrust on an unconscious one, we tried to run to a local store. We peered through a window. Three mares, one on the left, two on the right.

"Alright, on check, we fire, on three, one,.....two,........THREE, FUCK EM UP!." I screamed. We got more headshots than there were mares. "Raid the store, we need everything. EVERYTHING MAN, I'M FUCKING HUNGRY!" Prince yelled. We got everything, the pie, the apples, the pie, the crack, the pie, some random arrow with a knee attached to it.

"Okay, now we need to just get back to the house and we'll be good." I replied. "Prince?" I asked from the silence. An ear piercing scream follows. "STARBASS! THEY GOT ME, I DON'T WANNA GET A DILDO UP MY ASS, I DON'T WANNA!" Prince whined like a baby.

Ladies and gentleman, prepare your boners and wetness.

I galloped up and side kicked one of the mares into a wall, grabbed a mare and headbutted her into a coma. Then I grabbed the mare on Prince and pelvic-thrusted her into the Aetherlands. I grabbed Prince and helped him up. "I don't think I've ever been so thankful for a condom in my life." Prince said relieved.

"Wait, Prince? Where did you put our bag of pie?" I asked Prince at his house. "Um, I thought you got that." Prince replied. I had half the mind to knock the 69 shits out of him. "I'll be back." I said gritting through my teeth. I ran outside and galloped to the store before......

[MARE ON YOUR LEFT]

"Wha?" I asked before getting tackled to the ground. When I regained my vision, Vinyl was on top of me about to fuck me silly. I had three options, I could:

A. Beat the living shit out of her.

B. Fuck her before she fucks me.

C. FUS RO DAH!

I went with option B because i can't beat up my girlfriend, and I haven't mastered the power of the Thu'um. So I picked her up in my arms, damn this mare was light. Then I (OH MY GOD HERE IT COMES!) harnessed all of my pelvic energy and thrusted Vinyl to the moon, so at least Luna has company, besides, she'll come back later and beat my ass anyways.

I ran back into the store and picked up the bag of pie, and turned around to a crowd of sex-hungry mares.

"Prince, I fucking hate you." I muttered.

"I think Starbass is doing fine on his own." Prince said relaxed. You see, YOU SEE WHY I FUCKING HATE HIM!

[I wish I had a pony]

We both stared at Inferno like he was retarded.

"I have two words, Armor Lock." My Armor Lock module then activated, keeping me stationary but invincible from the mares that were repeatedly jumping on me. After a while the module deactivated but caused an EMP blast that stunned all the mares. In that moment I galloped back to Prince's house.

I busted through Prince's door angrily. "PRINCE!" I screamed.

"Wha? No mommy I don't want hay fries." Prince said waking from his slumber.

"Dickface, I swear to Celestia if I lost my penis you would owe me another one!" I yelled.

"Well I didn't know that you wanted me to take a bag too!" Prince countered.

"Why I oughta fucking! *Off Text Violence, Please stand by*

"So I hope that teaches you, that being a douche, is wrong." I said in my teaching voice.

[FIGHT THE POWA!]

{You guys are fucking violent.}

"I don't wanna be in this story anymore..." Prince whimpered in a corner.

"Shutup, next chapter's gonna have you favorite game in it anyways." I explained.

"LEISURE SUIT BARRY?" Prince screamed excited.

"No....the other one."

"Oh....that."

"Wait, where the bag of pie?" I asked.

"Didn't you say you used Armor Lock and ran out of there?" Prince reminded me.

"But that means I left the- FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!"

[CKING PIECE]