I woke up in Celestia’s embrace, a day had passed and nothing too big had happened for once. Aside from the griffin asshat.. We picked Button and Midnight up, promptly returned Midnight to her home, which her parents were thrilled to have her back. They figured she would be in safe hooves; I was the husband of Celestia, so they figured I wouldn’t do anything to her. And if anypony tried doing anything to Midnight, it probably wouldn’t end well since I’m apparently a semi-famous Mage because of Python. It was a pretty fun little thing, since Button and Midnight were trying to get ‘five more minutes’ when we got on the chariot.

They were still trying to get that five more minutes on the chariot.

And when we dropped Midnight off.

After we were let onto the property by their guard, we walked up the pathway to the dark, wooden door that seemed to be a common thing on a lot of the richer ponies in this neighborhood. I knocked on the door and waited. I didn’t wait very long as Mrs. Starbright opened the door. “Good morning, Source Code. I believe I know why you are here, though next time, please do let me know when you pick my daughter up, that she wants to sleep over in another town. It’s not as big of a deal since she wanted the sleepover, but when she is literally ten kilometers down the mountain that this city sits upon, I, as her mother, am concerned about if she will come back home.”

“Mrs. Starbight,” somehow she hadn’t noticed Celly, who was silently sitting on her rump and cradling Button, while he slept, with one hoof. “I’m a parent as well, and I completely get it. Next time, I’ll try and keep and get your daughter in Canterlot before nightfall.”

“Mr. Code, do you really think I am mad?” Mrs. Starbright tilted her head. “I was just worried about my little angel,” she said, now holding said little angel. “All I cared about was if she was good for you. I know for a fact, judging from when we first met you laying in the street so you can play with your foal, that you love your son. You definitely understand how much I love my daughter, and that my daughter is a dear friend of your son… I’ll be honest, despite some rumors I’ve heard about you, you don’t look like you could even bring yourself to actually kill anypony unless you’ve got a good reason.”

I raised an eyebrow. “What?” I asked.

“You’re rather unassuming, and a midget. If it were not for your wings, you’d be an average, little unicorn that, honestly, I wouldn't have minded marrying if I didn’t already have a stallion. You just look like you’d be a really good cuddle-buddy, I’ll be frank.” I stared blankly at her. Me? Not intimidating!? I… I… I… I… am completely okay with that. “In fact,” she pulled out a newspaper. “What's this, about you protecting my daughter as best as you could the moment you realized you three were in danger?” She turned it around to me… standing in between the twat from yesterday, Button and Midnight, with a Bubble over them before I turned it opaque.

“Wuh?” I asked.

“That’s right, Mr. I know that you would’ve made sure my daughter came home safe after this arrived at my front gate this morning.” She giggled. “You look terrifying in that photo. I don’t think I’d want to see your angry side in person any time soon!” She clapped her hooves after levitating her daughter onto her back. The second she laid her eyes on my Sunbutt, I stopped her from bowing to Celly.

“Don’t bow, we’re all friends here. Celly prefers not having friends bow to her.”

“W-what!?” Mrs. Starbright asked. “Isn’t it disrespectful?”

“No, I don’t mind it when somepony chooses not to bow to me. If anything, I prefer not being worshiped. Mrs. Starbright, your daughter is my son’s friend, by extension, you are my friend. Stand up tall,” Celly instructed. Starbright did as asked. “Extend your hoof,” Celly’s horn lit up. She just put a whoopee cushion in her hoof and made it invisible in half a second. Nopony but me noticed it, and I knew what Celly was doing because it’s a trick I taught her… after seeing it somewhere. Can’t remember where, but it might have been from a pun loving skeleton in a video game. She said she’d greet Midnight’s parents with this trick to break the ice.

Mrs. Starbright took Celly’s hoof and blinked as a fart noise, for some inexplicable reason, started leaving Celestia’s hoof.

“What?” She asked, tilting her head. Celestia slowly pulled her hoof back and revealed the bottom of it, attached was, of course, the Whoopee cushion. Celly was giggling behind her other hoof, now holding Button in her magic, he didn’t seem to really give a shit about being held in magic, he just liked being held. God dammit, Trolly’s giggle is cute, even if she is screwing with the head of this poor mare before us. Trolly sat like a cat watching the poor mare sputter, before she herself started giggling.

“Oh my, I did not think the Princess would be a bit of a prankster,” she laughed. “Oh, that is so much better than those boring old hoofshakes at those stupid, stupid parties that every other noble likes to hold for some stupid, patronizing reason!” She giggled. “I suppose just Celestia will do while you are in my abode?” She asked.

“That is correct,” Trollestia nodded. “If you would like to come have tea with myself and Source Code, do come by at any time. Say that the Force is Watching, and you’ll be let right in; it’s something Source tells his friends to use if they want in the castle so that they can visit him.”

“...Why the Force?” Mrs. Starbright asked.

“Because the Force is with you, always.” I said in my deepest, so not very deep, voice.

Mrs. Starbright just started looking at us like we were crazy ponies. “Okay, I’m going to go put my daughter in her room and get started on breakfast for her and my husband.” She slowly closed the door in front of us.

“Good first impression, don’tcha say?” I asked, with a shit eating grin.

“I believe so,” Celestia lifted up a hoof buzzer I got her a couple weeks ago. “Hmm, I wonder if I shall put a spin on the whoopee cushion in the hoof trick.”

“Celly, you are going to confuse so many nobles.”

“Good!” Celly cheered and jumped in place like how Pinkie does… My wife is the cutest mare in the world. Button remained blissfully unaware, sleeping in her magic, like nothing was wrong.

So a few hours later, Celly had cleared her schedule to spend the day with me. Button was snuggled up under Luna’s wing, Tale was laying practically on top of her, and they were all sleeping on the couch because they’re all nocturnal, and Button stayed up real late last night at Rarity’s place. I was sitting there, next to Celly, both of us were wearing chef hats. By the way, we were in Luna’s chambers, since she had an actual kitchen in there for some reason…. Even though she managed to burn instant noodles after accidentally cooking them without water, and also because she stuck the noodles in a toaster.

So she was banned from the royal kitchens.

“So we’re going to bake a cake,” Celly said. “And if I’m feeling it, you might get half of the cake!”

“You are so generous, my love,” I said half solemnly as I tied my apron with my hooves. Somehow it was just as easy as using fingers to tie it, so that’s fun. I am glad that I lost my fingers only to have hooves that are almost as dexterous as fingers, even if I no longer have fingers. Life is a lie, fingers are a scam, and hooves aren’t real. There is only one thing that reigns true:

Your wife is looking through a cookbook of cakes, she is rather deeply invested in the choice. So much so that your wife is actually sweating…

PONIES CAN’T EVEN SWEAT!

Celly eventually chose a simple, chocolate cake with vanilla frosting. The first thing she did was immediately prepare everything the recipe called for. Chocolate, vanilla frosting, sugar, some butter, eggs, flour, the whole nine yards. Milk and baking powder were included in this ensemble of baking ingredients. She grabbed the biggest bowl she could make and started pouring the… everything into it. All the butter, all the eggs, all the everything. The only thing not in the bowl when she was done was the egg shells.

“Why did you use everything?”

“Oh don’t worry, I just wanted a large cake!” Celly giggled. “No, that was an illusion you just witnessed. I made a cake big enough for us to share,” the illusion disappeared to a small bowl, which was filled with enough cake batter to actually give us both a decently sized cake, with some left over for Button when he wakes up from his nap. “I’m not that wasteful. Why waste the food when I know there are ponies across Equestria struggling for food?” She asked.

“Is… there anything like food drives?” I asked.

“No, why do you ask?” Celly took a moment to process what I said, as she started mixing the batter. “What is a food drive, if you don’t mind answering?”

“Think of it… basically, foals go to school, all across the country. Said foals bring in foods, canned food that lasts a while. Food of some sort. Packaged noodles, dry foods, whatever. As long as it can be stored on a shelf for a long time, it’s qualified for the food drive. Foals bring these to school to donate, and the aforementioned canned food is donated to a place called a food bank, which then redistributes the food to families of ponies that are struggling. I’ve literally lived in some of the shittier parts of Canterlot for awhile. And I had it easy, being in the slums of the richest city in Equestria. What could it be like to be a kid growing up in the slums in… I dunno, Neigh Orleans? Or even a smaller town like Ponyville?

“I can’t imagine it’d be fun, being a kid that young, and knowing what hunger is like. Not just hunger like ‘oh, I missed dinner’ a hunger that you wouldn’t know when you can satiate it. You never know if you’ll even be able to have food on the table, that kinda hunger.” I shook my head. “A lot of places on Earth were like that, and it’s awful. And now that I’ve a kid, I imagine it ain’t anymore fun for the parents, knowing that they can’t feed their kids. Seeing that thing you love and cherish the most suffer, and you can’t do anything about it. You aren’t even doing anything wrong, just had a shitty lot in life, or maybe money is tight or something.”

Celestia hummed. “It sounds like…”

“I just believe nopony, neigh, nobody should have to go hungry. And while food drives may kinda solve the problem, it would be better to have a steady supply of food, say a food drive every month, even every two months, would be enough.” I hummed. “I may ask around and get numbers on how much ponies make, and single out the ones who aren’t even cracking a hundred bits a month with families; a hundred bits was barely enough for me to live throughout the week, and that was with me budgeting to all hell. If I didn’t make a small fortune on Python books, that I’m still riding on, or money I got from assisting with teaching at Cheerilee’s school house… Or be with you,” I kissed Celly. “Then I dunno how well I could get by while taking care of Button.”

“Hmm,” Celly hummed. The batter was now properly mixed. “Would you like me to set up various ‘canned food’ donation boxes around Canterlot and see how well that does? I can take care of the heavy work, such as finding out where to actually send the food. You can help drive it; as the current High Prince of Canterlot, you could help drive a lot of attention towards these.”

“I don’t want my name on it, I just wanna help people. If you set up the boxes, leave a-”

“Little message saying what it is for and where the food goes,” Celestia smiled. “I know, dear. I’m willing to do all of this for you, since it is your vision, and it helps my little ponies! Oh! It warms my heart, knowing that you do actually think of others, even if it hurts knowing that you put others before your own well-being. Don’t think I’ve noticed how down and depressed you look when Button and I aren’t blatantly looking at you.” Celly cranked the kitchen timer back to the stated time in the recipe book. “You, mentally, still aren’t doing very well.”

“Hey,” I chuckled weakly. “If I’m still at least half the stallion you think I am, right?” I asked.

“You’re twice the stallion you think you are, Source. I do believe that you should take a break from everything, genuinely, just go on a train trip with Button to Ponyville and stay in a motel for a few days. But I also know that you can’t stop. You won’t stop; it helps keep those bad thoughts off your mind,” she draped a wing over my back. “Perhaps after you and Fruit do your little thing in the multiverse, we can go camping. You me, Button, and Luna. Twilight can watch over the kingdom while we’re doing so; she’s been trained to at least handle daycourt and has the titles and powers necessary to carry any solution she can come up with.”

“Hmmm,” I hummed. “Yes. That would be lovely. I can even get drunk with Lulu again and sing some folk songs with her.”

“If you get my sister hungover again, I will have to punish you for being a naughty boy,” Celly said while bobbing her eyebrows. Oh. That’s going to be a fun punishment.

We pulled the cake out of the oven, and set it on the counter. “So,” I hummed. “How much cake would you like, my lady?” I asked, all gentleman-like. I dropped my usual accent and tried my best at doing a British accent. I hummed. “This much?” I lined the knife up so that we both would get half the cake. It was a rather small cake, for Celly’s terms of ‘small’, so it was actually a decently sized little thing. As in if I cut it in half, we both could have our own half of the cake that’d last both of us at least two separate desserts. Or two servings each.

“A little to the left,” I did as asked. Celly is a big girl, she needs her cake. “A little more?” I did as asked. “Just a tiny, tiny bit more?” She asked. “I did most of the work, gathering the ingredients, mixing the batter, and putting it in the oven.” That was fair. I moved the knife a little further. Celly slowly started looking like her alter-ego, Cakelestia, it’s a Celly that likes cake a lot. I know, insane alter ego-tismism that’s a word that Celly would approve of. “Just a little more?” I moved the knife and slowly realized something.

“I thought we would be sharing!” I whined. “Isn’t that what marriage is about? Sharing the highs and lows of life together?”

“It is, but as your wife, I demand to be spoiled,” I slowly lifted the cake and encircled it with the knife; a silent question of ‘you want this much?’ It was in reference to the whole fucking thing. “Perfect!” Celly started blushing. Luna and Button were wide awake now, because somepony can’t keep her mouth shut when faced with a cake. “I mean, that would be perfect!” She kissed me on the cheek. So… I grabbed the cake… and teleported outside the castle. I set the cake somewhere safe, obviously. I put it in our room for us to actually share later.

Celly just broke Lulu’s window. She started scanning the ground for the blue, alicorn thingy that she’s come to know and love and wouldn’t hurt. The stallion that loves her with all his heart. Surely she wouldn’t kill him over a cake, right?

“Cody…” Celly said playfully. “Where is the cake?” She is right in front of me. When did she get here? “Our wedding rings have tracking spells in them; I cannot lose you again.” She nuzzled me. “Now, where is the cake?” she asked.

“In our room. It needed to cool off anyways, plus I think a nice, long walk around Canterlot would give it enough time to cool down so that we can thoroughly enjoy the cake… together.”

“That would be lovely. I hope you understand that I was joking when I said I wanted the whole cake. It’s portioned the way it is for a reason.” I raised an eyebrow. “It’s your birthday, is it not? Do humans celebrate those at all?”

“...Oh.”

Jesus christ, it’s actually been a full year and a half since I’ve come to Equestria.

“We do,” I chuckled. “I just forgot what day it was, with everything going on.” I rubbed the back of my head. I then realized that we were actually in the gardens. “Wanna just relax under a tree or something?” I asked. “All I wanna do is relax and do fuck all.” I found a nice spot in the grass to lay down in. I promptly flopped over in the grass and rolled around in it for a while like a dog that’s scent rolling. This just felt good.

“Source, you’re going to need a bath later if you keep rolling around in the grass like that.” Celly giggled as she laid down beside me.

“So? That’s for later me’s ass to take it in.” I said as I finally settled on my back, belly facing up towards the sky.

“Well, I suppose that the past you just invited me to blow raspberries into your stomach for the time being.” My wife hummed and rubbed her chin, her horseshoes came off. “Well?”

“Celly, please know, we can just cuddle, it’s a nice day out, and we can just enjoy ourselves for the time being. You don’t gotta tickle the hell outta me.”

“Hmm,” Sun Butt slowly started transitioning into Trollestia. “No, I want to hear you laugh; it’s only fair since you make me laugh.”

I ended up peeing.

“You just had to not heed my warning,” I said as we both sat in the bathroom together. The bathroom… it’s something I’ve not brought up that often as it’s literally a room just for the bathtub. Bathtub would be a modest way of putting it. It’s a giant, fucking swimming pool that’s constantly being filtered with soap constantly being added in as water is filtered out. Two statues of Celly, small, bronze ones since bronze is more valuable than gold in Equestria, were spewing out the water and some mixture that made up the bath. The soap Celly uses must not be scented as the soap didn’t really smell like anything.

Since I was laying on my back when I peed myself, because somepony chose to tickle me instead of snuggle me, my stomach was in the air. My… equipment was also up in the air, so when I peed myself, because of the tickling, I peed everywhere. Grass, sidewalk, on me, on the trees, on the birds and the bees. Oh, and I also peed on Celly.

“Well, how did I know if you were bluffing or not?” Sun Butt asked.

“Peeing myself is no laughing matter,” I said. “Or everything I know and everypony I love,” I said as I grabbed a brush and started working on Celly’s back, right between the wings. She cooed and started leaning forward to give me more surface area to work with. “Yeah, that’s right, I know you like being pampered, like the princess you are,” I chuckled. “On the bright side, you tickled me so hard that I jerked every time I laughed, and the pissing everywhere thing, we can do this little thing a little while longer.”

“That we can,” Tia reached around with that long, gorgeous neck of hers, and we booped noses. “I am so glad I took a day off from ruling, because it’s a Sunday and I get my weekends off, to spend the day with you on your birthday. Granted, we must head down to Ponyville with Button and Lulu. Pinkie Pie wanted to host a birthday party for you. We should get out of the bath in twenty minutes,” the bath was basically a hot tub by the way, just filtered in soap and water mixture. Basically it felt good to be here.

“Twenty minutes, you say?” I reached under the water and grabbed Celly’s foreleg. “Let’s see…” I hummed. “Celly, have you been working yourself ragged?” I asked. “There are teeth marks, your teeth marks, in your front hooves.”

“...I may have been stressing out over you and Fruit’s planned trip, this coming Saturday, to try and bring your family back. I wonder if you’ll end up making a choice on choosing to stay here, or go back to Earth. And I’m scared of both choices, Source.” Celestia lowered her head, her ears flattened against her skull as she let it hand over me. “Are you going to end up bringing your family here? Or will they refuse your invitation to come to Equestria? If they do, and you had to make the choice, would you go back with them? I would want you to be happy; you seem so… down a lot of the time-”

“Cielo Soleado,” that got Sunny’s attention. “I ain’t leaving you behind. If I can’t get them to come to Equestria, I’ll beg them to at least give it a shot. If they don’t, I’ll at least bring you along, so one, we can keep Discord from fucking with us, and two, so you can at least meet my mother. If nothing else, I want you to meet me Mum. I hope I don’t have to choose, but if I had to, I think I’d choose Source Code if I had a hundred lives to live instead of choosing to be Kodi Gaime every time. I love you, I love how peaceful Equestria is, ignoring the semi-annual world ending threats. I prefer being somebody that’ll leave a mark on the world, rather than being a guy who’ll be forgotten about in about four years after I die.”

…

“You just had to make me smile, didn’t you, Kodi?” Celly asked.

“Ah, it’s Source, missy.”

“You just made my smile bigger, Source,” Celly’s smile did get bigger and brighter. We booped noses and continued to enjoy our bath before my birthday party at Pinkie’s place.

I carried Button onto the chariot that we were taking to Ponyville. It’s not often that I actually describe a Pinkie Party, as I usually don’t get to attend a Pinkie Party, but they’re usually pretty fun. Celly and I were freshly bathed, which probably will do us a lot given that we’ll get smothered in cake by the time the night is over. Luna was coming along with us, with Tale and Snowdrop in tow. Snowdrop had her head snuggled up under Tale’s chin, while Tale was shoved under Lulu’s wing.

Luna and her little ‘family’ were riding in a chariot separate from ours, since carrying three alicorns, one of which is ‘fun sized’, and the other two being in wumbo, carrying our little entourage with two chariots was necessary given that Snowdrop was pretty tall for a pegasus. Sitting beside her was Solar, off duty of course. He was chatting away with Lulu about things. It was mostly Luna teasing the poor fucker as we went.

Button was pouting because I was holding him by the scruff on his neck. “Dad, I am not a baby,” he said, forelegs crossed, pouty faced. It was cute. “Dad?” I slowly lowered him into my arms, and held him like that instead. “That’s better, but I'm still not a baby! You don’t gotta hold me like this.”

“Button,” I nuzzled him. “I know, but also, I demand snuggles with my colt while we fly through the air for the next twenty minutes. Don’t worry, I’ll be sure to kiss-attack you in front of all of your friends!” Button’s eyes widened. “What?” I let my accent thicken. “Macho little lad doesn’t wanna look like a wee little lad in front of his lassies?” I asked. “Well, my little lad, I’ll make sure to spoil you and baby you extra hard!” I clapped my hooves, keeping Button held in my forelegs somehow.

“Dad…” Button sighed. “You’re lucky I like this.”

We landed in the party twenty minutes later, and luckily for Button, I didn’t decide to nuzzle and kiss him in front of all his friends. The party was actually a lot bigger than I would’ve expected. Like most ponies’ parties, they were held in Sugarcube Corner. I was just surprised by the amount of ponies that showed up. It was… well, a lot of ponies. I think I saw Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon sneak in here for some reason. Twilight was here, as was Spike, surprisingly Cadance and Shining Armor were here too. Oh. Cadance looks adorable in her dress. It was a simple, white dress that wasn’t very ornamental or anything. I think she just wanted to wear a dress today.

Dashie was off at the snack table, because free food. I don’t blame her. Pinkie was making sure everypony was having fun, Rarity was with Sweetie Belle, and talking to Apple Jack. Apple Jack and her immediate family were here, spread out throughout the room. Scootaloo was with Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom, who were with Rarity and Apple Jack. Dinky and Derpy Whooves were here, Derpy was watching Dinky as she animatedly chatted with one of her classmates. Notably, Doctor Whooves, Derpy’s husband, was not here. He was probably busy being a doctor or something. There were ponies I didn’t really interact with, like Lyra Heartstrings and Bon Bon, Lyra was busy talking with Twilight off in the corner.

Ms. Cheerilee was happily chatting with Big Mac off in a corner somewhere.

“Welcome to your birthday party, Source! How are you doing?” Pinkie asked. She animatedly jumped up and down.

“Mmm, I believe I can do something to solve one of my mental health problems, so I think I’m doing good.” I chuckled and squawked. Button had already run off to go have fun with his friends. I squawked because Pinkie pulled me into a big, bone crushing hug that shocked me a lot. “Whoa there, Pinks, I need my spinal cord in order to enjoy your party!” I laughed. I did hug her back though, with my wings since my forelegs were kinda not available for usage. They were held to my sides by Pinkie’s vice grip.

“Oh…” Pinkie started blushing. “I didn’t know you liked me like that, Cody,” I blinked.

“What did I do?” Snowdrop was the only one who remained by my side. Everypony else in our group had already worked their way through the party room and were partaking in various party enjoying activities such as talking, or playing pin the pony-

THAT’S A FUCKIN’ DUNK BOOTH! I mean uh, yeah, pretty box standard party-

That’s a small roller coaster. How the hell?

“As you can tell, Cody, since you haven’t been able to describe what it’s like to be at one of my parties to our dear readers,” what? “I went all out with the party. There’s pin the pony, pinatas, a dunk booth, a roller coaster, there’s a whole little amusement park behind Sugarcube Corner right now so that you can have the best birthday ever! There’s even karaoke so you can share some of your fun songs like that one about getting drunk on whisky!” She nuzzled into my wings. “So, you like me this much, huh?”

“Let me guess,” Snowdrop hummed. “Source is hugging you with your wings because he’s not aware that that is reserved for family members or lovers?” She asked.

“Eeyup!” Pinkie nuzzled deeper into my embrace. “Wow, Celestia was right, you’re really good for cuddling!” She squeaked.

“Uh…” what the fuck? I slowly lowered my wings. “Sorry if I made you uncomfortable?”

“I’m looking forward to our date!” Pinkie ran off into the party.

“There’s no getting out of that date, is there?” I asked Snowdrop. She nuzzled me.

“Unfortunately, I do not believe so, Uncle. She didn’t even give you a date for it, so I have a feeling you’re going to go missing one day, and wake up in one of the nicer restaurants in Ponyville. Or Canterlot; Pinkie might even rob you of your bits so that she can pay for the date.”

Oh. Great.

After wandering around, and being put in the dunk tank, which was actually fun, I wandered outside so I could dry off. I was given a towel, and then couldn’t help but notice two sets of hooves from my left. One set belonged to a smaller pony, the other clearly belonged to an adult. Diamond Tiara walked past me, teary eyed, while her mother was berating her. I blinked. Jesus christ, Diamond Tiara’s mom is a cunt.

“-You dared to go to a party like this!?” She yelled. “A party for peasants? If you wanted to go to a party, you could’ve asked, and we would’ve gone up to Canterlot! It’s about time that we got you a coltfriend, you lonely, worthless filly! If you were a colt, at least we could marry you off to some snot-nosed brat in Canterlot!”

“Yo,” I raised a hoof. As much as I don’t like Diamond Tiara, she doesn’t deserve that kinda treatment. “Treat your foal better than that, m’am. I can’t imagine your daughter will become a wonderful lady with you calling her names like that.”

Diamond Tiara stopped dead in her tracks. “And what are you going to do about how I treat my daughter?” Her mother yelled at me. She blinked a few times and noticed my wings. “Oh! Mr. Code! Or should I say Prince Code! How are you doing-”

“Madam,” I said, setting my towel on my neck after finally drying my mane out. “I’m assuming that you were yelling at Diamond Tiara the whole time for being at a party.” I hummed. “Diamond, did your father say you can come out here? I know he usually doesn’t care about what you’re doing with your free time.”

“...Dad said I could come out here,” Diamond said. She wasn’t lying; I ran the lie detection spell. “Why?”

“Mmm,” I hummed and pulled a crystal out of my ear. “I dunno. Hey, Spoiled Rich was it? Let your daughter be a kid. You’re only young once, and if she wants to actually enjoy a party, let her.” I met her gaze. “Or I could get Celly to fine you with child abuse, because that’s basically what you’re doing. I’m scared of what you tell that poor kid of yours in private, if you’re willing to yell at her in public like that.”

“Oh, of course, your highness. I suppose it is your birthday party after all!” She whispered something that sounded harsh into Diamond’s ear, before walking off. Leaving a crying filly sitting next to me on the step of Sugarcube Corner.

“What did your mum say? Be honest with me, kid.”

“She said to either somehow earn your favor, for the future when I’m older, or try and get with Button.” Diamond stared at the ground. “You don’t like me so I’ll just g-go-”

I picked her up and held her in my forelegs, much like how I would with Button. “Kid, you’re a bully, and that’s about it. I don’t hate ya or anything… Holy fuck, if I had a mum like yours, I woulda killed myself already. The fact that you’re still going? Takes guts, kid, to endure that shit.” I sat down and set her beside me. “Does your dad treat you well, at least?”

“He does, when he has the time. Mother is a stay at home mother; my father makes most of the bits coming in.” She looked up at me. “I-I guess… thank you for s-saving me?” She asked. “Mom was going to ground me or hit me when we got home-”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it. WHAT!?” I asked. “Nah, that ain’t okay. That ain’t how you punish a kid for wanting to what? Go out and have fun?” I took a notebook out of my butt pocket, wrote something off, and DragonFired it off to Silver Spoon. I know most of Cheerilee’s students’ magical signatures at this point. “Kid, tell me, is your mom partially why you treat everypony else like shit?” I asked.

“...She doesn’t let me have friends unless they’ve got ‘rich’ parents like Silver does, and I'm lucky that I like Silver.” She whimpered. “I hate it. I want friends. But I can’t!” She brought a hoof down on the step and cracked it. Damn, earth ponies are bullshit. “I hate it so much!” I moved her onto the ground, off the step, laid down, and started grooming her. At the very least, I found where she was ticklish and started tickling the shit out of her.

“St-st-stop-p-p!” Diamond’s tiara fell off her head, but I moved it to the side so nopony would step on it. “C-C-C-C-ode!” She was a giggling mess long after I stopped.

“Diamond!” Silver Spoon ran out and stopped at the sight of me pinning her friend down, while she was giggling. “Mr. Code?” She asked. “What-”

“I sent you the message; your friend could use some help. In fact, I wanna help as well.” I nuzzled Diamond Tiara, and she flinched, before she grabbed my muzzle and licked it. “Ah,” I chuckled. “So there is a sweet little filly under that rich, snobbish girl facade!” I chuckled. “I think I can get the Crusaders and Dinky to let bygones be bygones. As long as your mother doesn’t catch you, you could be friends with them. In fact,” I wrote a note down, and put it away for later. “I wrote something for your dad, something about divorcing that bitch of a mother you’ve got, and hiring a nanny or something.” I picked Diamond up and set her on my head. “C’mon you two, let’s go introduce y’all-”

“Dad? What are you doing out here? Pinkie wants you to cut the cake-” he stopped when he saw me holding Diamond Tiara. “Why are you holding her?” Button shook his head. “Nevermind, I saw her Mom start whisper-shouting into her ear before dragging her out of the party.” He hopped on my withers, and offered a hoof to Diamond Tiara. “Hey Diamond! Are you at least doing better now that you’ve experienced the best dad in the world?” He asked.

“I… you don’t hate me?”

“Why should I? You say mean things, but you aren’t inherently evil,” he tilted his head. “So why should I hate you?” Diamond Tiara took his hoof and shook it. Before long, Button was hugging her, as was Silver, on my back, as I walked back into the party with a grin on my face.

Diamond Tiara really wasn’t that bad, as it turned out. I even reintroduced her to the Crusaders and they… actually welcomed her with open arms at my suggestion.

She and Apple Bloom in particular got along real well.

Author's Note

and thus Diamond Tiara's mom may or may not get tossed into the streets. fuckin' bitch.

also added this in: the cake scene was inspired by Celestia's Precious Cake by StormFX3. it's fucking funny and incredibly well made; it also took a long time to be made. go check it out, give this dude some props.