Mi Amore Cadenza, Emprisoned | The Crystal Cells

Deep in the Crystal Mines that twist and trail below Canterlot, Cadance's ear twitches as the cold, crystalline air tickles her matted fur. She had been left here by the one, cruel creature -- Queen Chrysalis -- that intended to replace her, usurp her, and feed off of their love. She tried to fight back, but her brand of magic, Love, kind of... fell flat, against creatures that literally ate it. Not the best match up.

Well, that and apparently how a platonic "I foalsat your sister and went to the same school so we're friends" love counts for feeding. Cadance sighs, slumping against one of the crystals that juts out of the wall of her prison cell; her fur is matted and frazzled, mane in desperate need of a brushing.

It's a funny feeling, to have the wedding you don't even want to happen on the cusp of being ruined. Conflicted, for sure. Shining was a great stallion, obviously she doesn't want him hurt -- but the situation had a morbidly funny twist to it. Not that she could even muster a laugh.

The Princess of Love, marrying her high-school crush, who turned out to be gay. At least she'd get to see Twilight at family receptions, now. That was an upside.

There weren't many of those.

Another long, draining sigh escapes her. She had no idea how long she'd been down here. Chrysalis wasn't the most gracious host; Cadance had hardly even been fed. If she wasn't an Alicorn, that would have proved terribly troubling.

Her ear twitches, head rising from the crystal she was leant on. Hoofsteps. A distant, struggling voice.

It's getting closer. It sounds like the Changelings got somepony else; a tinge of worry for them seeps into her heart. Cadance tenses, turning to wearily face the sound.

The gleaming crystals in the crystalline walls shift, creaking and shaking as they part; on the other side, several Changelings are visible, dragging a struggling...

...What in tartarus is that?

Anon E. Muss, Dogshit at Hiding

Anon struggles and flails his limbs around, scowling -- if he was going down, he wasn't going down without being slightly upset about it, and making sure it was known.

Twilight had been very irked about the whole thing; and apparently, for good reason. The others didn't seem entirely keen on listening to her. But, like -- her own foalsitter? Her own brother? Anon had a feeling if TWILIGHT, of anybody, was throwing up a stink that something wasn't right, something wasn't right.

It's not like an entirely new, villainous plot occurred every other fucking week, or something.

So when Anon started snooping around where he shouldn't -- totally not just using Twilights suspicions as a reason and excuse to rummage through the castle -- he was promptly caught. Turns out, it's bug-ponies the whole way down. And up. They're fucking everywhere.

And that he wasn't as proficient at emulating Metal Gear as he thought. He really thought hiding behind that planter would work.

At least it wasn't easy for the little buggy bastards; Twilight said he had a whole 'Anti-Magic' thing going on thanks to not being from Equestria. So instead of simply dragging him away with their weird little green magic, he's got a little more than half a dozen of these things having to forcefully drag him.

And he ain't making it easy. Anon can do like, a clean two and a half pull-ups. To Ponies, that makes him monstrous on the strength scale.

He is slightly worried why they keep dragging him deeper and deeper into the caves. Was there a mega-changeling they were gonna feed him to? Not the Queen; the Queen was busy pretending to be Cadance upstairs.

Which, kind of funny. For context; Anon knew Shining was gay. It seemed picking up on the obvious was a very unique skill set, not granted to 99% of the entire Pony population.

Twilight is his homie in purple; and also her family is great to visit during the holidays. Lovely pony folk. So when, even under magical duress, Shining doesn't actually seem that interested? Yeah, he knew. Shining was the type to appreciate a Big-Mac, not an Applejack.

Not that he, subtly figured it out or anything. Twilight straight up told him. But he also totally figured it on his own. They were gossip buddies; apparently, it's quite freeing to have an alien friend that just "Gets" why "Backstabbing Pony Bitches be Tripping".

His vocabulary might be rubbing off on her too much. Ah, well. Her fault for accidentally summoning him, instead of that Tartarus demon or whatever she was after, to bind to her commands to do her laundry, because Spike went on strike.

Anon always wondered if that gave him cool demon powers or not. So far, nuh uh. Just indigestion any time he had to stomach this dog-ass pony food.

Uh oh -- they're reaching the end of the mines. That's a big, suspiciously sectioned off part of the mine.

One of the Drones dragging him tilts its head back, horn glowing; the crystals start to shift and part, revealing...

Oh, it's Cadance. That's where she went. Score. Anon was better at Metal Gear-ing than he thought.

Wump. They throw him face-forward into the cell, the crystals creeping and growing back shut behind him. Make that him and Cadance.

Anon E. Muss, Chilling / Princess Cadance, Confused | The Crystal Cells

Anon lifts his face off the rocky floor, snorting the pebbles out of his nose. Not his most pleasant landing.

Cadance leans forward slightly, taking a cautious hoof-step.
"Are... you alright?" She asks quietly.

Anon's head snaps up, staring at her from the floor. He squints.

"I-I'm the real Cadance!" She quickly tries to assure, waving a hoof. "Please, you have to believe me!"

"Colonel... I've found the Princess." Anon mutters, crawling across the floor towards her.

That... what? Cadances original worry of being mistaken for the Fake Cadance that locked him in here was quickly replaced by... confusion.
"...Colonel? Is there someone else here?"

Anon stops a few feet from her, shifting to lay on his side. He needed a bandana or something.
"Nope. I deflect the interdimensional horrors of infinity that were inflicted on my brain, after being dragged here through a portal meant for a demon, by making references only understood by those where I'm from. It's a coping mechanism." Anon summarizes quaintly, head propped up on an arm.

"That's... Oh. My condolences. Who... did that to you? Was it Queen Chrysalis?" Cadance asks, sitting back on her haunches. He was... odd, but not unpleasant.

"Oh, no -- Twilights doing. You were her... Foal-Sitter, right?" Anon snaps his fingers, remembering.

Cadance stares at said wriggling, worm-like limbs. Oh. He's kind of like that Dragon Twilight has, Spike... but with weirder, nubby claws.

Wait. He knows Twilight?
"Wait -- You know Twilight?!" She exclaims, scooting forward.

"Sure. She's pretty on top of this whole not-actually-you thing, told me about it. She's also like... the only one, so that's kind of an iffy thing." Anon tsks.

"...You mean like my Auntie, Princess Celestia, is not aware?" Cadance hazards, worried. Cadance was clearly worried by just how deep Chrysalis had her fangs into everyone.

"She's got everyone but Twilight fooled. Actually, I can't tell if they're just so excited to be part of a wedding that they're willingly overlooking red flags, or if she's actually fooling them." Anon ruminates, shrugging. "She'll probably get us out. Eventually."

"You think so? Wait, then how did you get here?" She asks.

"Twilight." Anon repeats.

"No, like... here, in the Cell." She clarifies.

"Oh, got caught snooping around. Turns out, Chrysalis does not appreciate someone listening to her sing about her evil plans, when she thinks she's all alone. Who would've thought." Anon shrugs.

Cadance nods, sighing. Things were seeming quite grim... but if Twilight was on top of things, she'd figure it out. Cadance knew that out of any Pony, Twilight could handle it.

"So... just to field a quick question that's been bothering me. If you're alright with it. Since we're like, alone down here." Anon asks suddenly, glancing around. Cadance is pulled from her worries for the moment.

Cadance tilts her head.
"...Yes?"

"So... you know Shining likes dick, right? That's come up at some point?" Anon mutters blatently, looking at her expectantly.

He watches as a face of realization, relief, panic -- damn, she's cycling through then all. Better jump in.

"Twilight told me. And it's also kind of fucking obvious; there's a lot of stallions in that barracks, and not a lot of mares." Anon offers, scratching his nose.

She suddenly pulls him closer, her pinkish-glowing magic grabbing his shirt collar. While he was magic resilient to a degree, Alicorns were so juiced up they could get at him.

"YES! I KNOW!" She mutter-shouts through gritted teeth, exasperated. She quickly realizes she's grabbing him, setting him back down.
"S-sorry, I-- that wasn't very --"

Anon gets settled on his side again, brushing off his collar.
"All good; I'll have you know I'm a certified member of 'The Girls', Sister. Spill it." Anon grins, mock-holding a tea-cup with a pinky stuck out. "Princess of Love -- not Marrying for Love? Oh, I know you've got something to say about it." He goads.

In a world where 90% of the Ponies actually worth talking to were female, you either adapt, or die; and with his penchant for shit-talking, Anon took to gossip like a fly takes to shit. His wallet proudly boasted a 'Honorary The Girl' card, and an invitation to each week's sit-down with the Elements, Rarity and AJ's Monthly Spa-Trips; you name it, Anon was in on it.

"You-- you don't mind? You... if I tell you, you can't tell ANYPONY." Cadance warns, swinging her hooves out.

"You have no idea how many secrets knock around this noggin'. These lips are sealed." He grins, tapping his head. That wasn't even a bit.

The Elements vented to him constantly. The Princesses vented to him anytime they got together. If they could ever prod his mind, he had enough in there to topple nations.

Thankfully, Anon only ever used it to get short-term greedy gains, like snacks or favors. For now. And good luck poking any of that information out of him, past the wealth of inane bullshit it was warded underneath.

"I don't think we're getting out of here anytime soon, either. So tell me -- what's the vibe between you two? How subtle is he about it? He's kind of a... hunky dumb type, so I imagine not very much." Anon prods.

Cadance slumps down onto her stomach, hooves curling up as she lays beside Anon, huffing in relief.
"You have... NO idea. I used to have a crush on him, you know? Back in school..."

The quiet caverns become place for a discreet, subtle tea-spill, while the Wedding continues far above ground.

"...You're kidding. You walk in on him? With that guy from his Hoofball team? Fuck, way to let you down lightly." Anon snorts.

"Seriously! Sure, we never dated, but who wants to walk in on that?!" She exclaims, head in hooves.
"Obviously, from that point, I didn't tell anybody. Never really found an interest in anyone else after that, either."

"So, like... Is being gay not allowed here? Or allowed but just not cool? Varies super heavily where I'm from, so I just wanna catch the vibe." Anon motions with his hand.

"Oh, it's completely fine. It's hush because of... this, situation, specifically, but plenty of Ponies are public with their interests. Why wouldn't it be?" She asks, now curious about his homeland.

"Where I'm from, buttload of different nations. And some of them really do not like if you swing for the same team. I'm talking..." He rakes a thumb across his neck, making a comical attempt at a guttural noise. "Nasty stuff." Anon winces.

"That's... oh my." She concludes simply, covering her mouth with a hoof. "Wait, you said Twilight told you? How did you get to know Twilight, anyway?"

"Oh, get this. You know her little brother-son-friend Spike?" Anon asks.

Cadance rolls her eyes.
"Do I. He's a delightful little guy, but still I can't believe Auntie shackled Twilight with that. One Tartarus of a lesson in friendship; had Twilight's mom, Velvet, and myself watching him alongside Twilight, half the time."

"Ha--funny you should say that. So, he goes on strike..."

Cadance can't help but laugh, hearing how Twilight tries to summon and bind a demon for household chores; she's more than happy to explain several of the times Twilight tried to find... 'clever' alternatives to problems, getting a laugh out of Anon.

"...So you aren't a demon though, right?" Cadance playfully asks, stifling a giggle.

"Unless I can convince some big Tartarus-Guy that being summoned through a demon portal owes me powers, nope. Just Human." Anon sighs dramatically, hand to his head like a fainting maiden. "And since I'm not from around here, Magic doesn't play well with me. Well, you Alicorns tend to overwrite that, but thats just because you're all Magic cranked to 11."

"That sounds like it would be a lot more inconvenient than helpful." Cadance guesses, getting a nod from Anon.

He feels a soft tug on his shirt, a little pink wisp dissipating.

"Clothes are easier, but try pulling my arm." He instructs, holding out a limb.

He watches as Cadance tries to grasp his forearm with her magic, and tugs. She's surprised how, despite giving it a good pull, he barely budges. She tries a few more times, before getting distracted with his hand, leaning curiously to better inspect it.

"I've lost count of how many times Twilight teleports without me, or tries to drag me around like she does her friends, only to go nowhere." Anon admits, glancing down at the spot of magic. It's slowly tracing down his arm, and now over the back of his hand. Now tracing underneath, to his palm; and now dancing over his fingers. It tingles. They were always fascinated by the opposable thumbs.

"Curious about the clothes? Everyone asks at some point."

"...Does that mean I get a chance to ask about it?" Cadance smiles; it's weak, but this is... helping. It's distracting, and comforting, two things she's been sorely needing. And knowing Twilight was working to solve this... she felt a lot better.

"I've explained it a dozen times; good chance to refine my explanation. So, Human culture -- I'm a human, and we wear..." Anon starts, launching into a quick summary.

Anon explains the basics of wearing pants, and why humans don't walk around with their dicks out. He's probably... a little crass, in his descriptions, but Cadance hardly seems to mind, getting a surprising amount of his jokes. Not the earth-references, obviously, but she seems surprisingly willing to hear their context. Out of all the Alicorns and Ponies he interacted with, Cadance felt the most like she might actually be the same age as him. Twilight was definitely a little younger; Tia had that wine-aunt energy, but had this aloof side to her that faked out his guesses.

It's starting to click for Anon why Twilight was so excited to see Cadance, and why they were starting to get along so quickly. She's like... the high-functioning version of whatever Twilight has. Which makes her quite similar to Anon.

That, and how someone to vent to was an apparently very in-demand position in Equestria. She definitely needed this.

"...So this whole thing is all for face?" Anon asks. Both are still engrossed in their conversation, with who knows how long having passed.

"Auntie talked me through it... with the Crystal Empires vulnerable reappearance, we can't risk Sombra's return, or another nation trying to step in. We need to signify the strength of our bond... so, because I had a crush on Shining, and I don't think he's ever publicly admitted his personal tastes..." Cadance explains. She's probably ran the reasons through her mind a thousand times... still didn't make it any easier.

"You got looped in by your Aunt, can't really say no, and now you're too deep." Anon summarizes.

Cadance nods, sighing wistfully.
"I dreamed of... Love, you know? It's kind of my thing. I want a... doting husband, a big family. Foals. And while I'm sure Shining can give me a nice, cordial marriage..."

Damn. She sounds like, really sad about this shit. Like, fair, obviously, but yeesh. Can't get a loving husband and a big family when he's busy with his boyfriend.

"You want something real. Damn. Yeah, I get it honestly." Anon nods, lips pursed. "And I assume Celestia won't budge on the idea?"

"Auntie Celestia is..." Cadance sighs. Can of worms, there.

"Big on giving personal things up for the greater good. A little too big on it." Anon nods.

Cadance tilts her head.
"How do you...?"

"I recognize coping methods pretty easily. The idea of denying herself the things she wants helps her stomach her past decisions, because she feels like she's suffered enough to have been allowed to make those choices, in case they're ever viewed as mistakes. So, she's trying to impart the idea on you; she feels like she has to be this big, motherly figure, but she's as lost as the rest of us."

"...Wow." Cadance mutters. "I can see why they enjoy talking to you. You'd never hear that out of a Ponies mouth."

"Yeah. I've considered opening a Therapy Office in Ponyville. A lot of you little pastel ponies could use a session or two. Some of you, at least like, five." Anon states bluntly.

Cadance giggles, sighing. "I... could probably use one or two myself, if they're anything like this. Save me a slot?"

"Oh Girly-Pop, if we get out of here, I'll help navigate your entire marriage scenario; that kind of shit was the bread and butter of my peoples Medieval and Fantasy dramas." Anon retorts, chuckling to himself. He wondered if he could explain the context to that guy who had water in his head, in a way it would still be funny to joke about him. Probably not, royal incest lines probably needed some context.

"...Really?" Cadance asks, surprisingly softly.

Before either can continue, Hoofsteps rapidly approach, muffled outside the cell. Both Anon and Cadance turn their head, eyes wide.

The crystals shift apart -- and Twilight appears, panting, breathing heavily, horn glowing. She's surrounded by groaning, beat-up Changelings.

"Twilight!" Cadance shouts, smiling. Anon gives a lazy wave. He knew she'd show up eventually.

Their smiles fall as Twilight aims her horn at Cadance, softly pulsing with magic.

"Hold it! How do I know you're the real Cadance? The real Anon?" Twilight accuses through gritted teeth. She's a little roughed up. Probably beat her way through a whole bunch of Changelings to get here.

"U-uh--" Cadance quickly mutters, stumbling back.

"Your brother's a faggot." Anon states aloud, echoing through the quiet caves.

The following silence has both Mares eyes float to Anon.

"...I told you to stop calling him that, Anon." Twilight sighs, shaking her head. "So you're you. Why are you down here? No -- Cadance first! How do I know you're not a Changeling in disguise, getting information from him?!"

Anon, who was about to vouch for Cadance, watches in disbelief as Cadance does a... really weird little dance, singing some song. And Twilight, eyes sparkling in recognition, joins in.

Sometimes, they acted so human, he forgets that they're colorful little magic singing horses. They're like... naive, stunted humans, but with all the same mental issues and social problems. And a tendency to break out into song randomly.

"Wait -- Cadance. You know my brothers... why are you guys getting married?" Twilight asks, breaking from their hug.

"...It's a bit of a story." Cadance smiles.

"Explain on the way? We do still have a wedding to save." Twilight grins, nodding to the way out.

Cadance rises to her hooves. Anon expected a little more... awkward melancholy to her chance to save her own sham wedding.

But then Cadance turns, looking at Anon.

And she smiles, reassured. She nods to Twilight.
"Let's go. I'm not letting that Bug-Queen ruin my big day, Gay Husband or not." She huffs, wings flaring.

They both charge off, racing back up the path to the mine. For a moment, Anon wonders if he should feel offended they didn't wait for him.

Oh, never mind. He can hear them start to break out into song. Ponies were borderline possessed by that sudden urge to sing, and since he wasn't from Equestria; he wasn't involved in whatever musical twinge grasped them. It felt like one of those movie scenes, where you're a ghost and nobody sees you. They just kept singing, no matter how much he fucked with them.

He asked about it before, too, and they never knew what he was talking about. They didn't even treat it like it was normal, they just denied it ever even happened. Hmph. Odd things were at play in this little Pony land.

Left alone, Anon rises to his feet, dusting himself off. Motivated a Princess. Good days deed done.

Stepping over a few of the groaning and knocked-out Changelings Twilight made her way through, he pauses, snatching a cloak off of one of them.

It's sized just right for a bandana, if he ripped it in a few places. Oh yeah. Shame all the good Snake names were taken. Gassy Snake just didn't have the same ring to it.

...Actually, that was great.

Anon ties the bandana around his head, crouching down -- oop, no, he didn't stretch enough for that. He walks, muttering Metal Gear quotes to himself, and rubbing his back. Gassy Snake forgot his morning yoga.

Twilight Sparkle the Furious, Princess Cadance the Pissed | Canterlot Chapel

Proud Ponies line the hall, the Elements and the Princesses included. Mi Amore Cadenza, Chrysalis in disguise, saunters up the walkway, her plan in full, cruel swing. Shining waits for her at the altar, dizzy look glazed on his face, while Celestia wears a smile, waiting for her niece.

Until her Student, and her Niece, burst through the Chapel doors, drawing all eyes in a startling entrance.
"I found the REAL Cadance, Chrysalis! Your plan is up!" Twilight shouts, herself and Cadance taking a low stance, horns glowing.

Confusion murmurs through the crowd, as shocked stares flit between the doubled Princess of Love. One adorned in a gorgeous wedding gown; the other in serious need of a bath.

Chrysalis growls, her green flames encircling her.
"Then I suppose it is time to... forsake this silly little step, and move to the next phase. I already have dear, sweet Shining wrapped around my hoof... and now? My Drones are but moments from bursting through the shield. Canterlot is Mine!" She roars, laughing.

Outside the Chapel, hundreds of Drones slam against the shimmering barrier, threatening to cave it in.

Anon E. Muss, Lost as Shit | The Mines

Shit. Anon was like... super lost.

Did they ride a whole rickety mine cart section? He leans, looking down as it plunges into... nothingness.

Yeah, Anon might be sturdy against magic, but not against falling to his death.

He'd take the long way.

Author's Note