Turn this T.V off!

-Hip hop sensation

[Before the nukes got dropped onto our MC's head]

(Btw, the mc has a slight british accent. I thought it was funny so I added it.)
"And it says here that you're, 'In need of cool toys because I'm sad :('." The police officer said to me, raising an eyebrow as he did.

"... Yes!" I exclaimed. "You don't want a poor ten year old child to go home sad do you now?"

"You stole an entire store's worth of toys from the show, My little pony: Friendship is magic. I don't think you're any ordinary child." The officer retorted at my face.

"Oh c'mon! They didn't let me buy any of the-" I started to say, before I got interrupted by a door slamming open behind us.

"This here interrogation is done." A voice said from behind me, causing both me and the officer to look at the source.

It was a old geezer, with a brown suit and a yellow tie that looks like he got from the worst tailor shop know to mankind. I quickly realized that this old fu... geezer was my soon-to-be dead grandad. I'm saying soon-to-be, because I'm narrating this in the future, and not in my mind like a fucking lunatic.

"And what makes you say tha-"

"The United States military. Now, skedaddle away from here before I turn you into chocolate milk " Getting the hint, the police officer hurriedly left the room, leaving me and my last remaining relative alone.

Before I could say anything, I felt a pinching sensation on my right ear, and me being dragged away from the police station. "Now tell me why I had to that, child?"

"Ow! It's a misunderstanding-" I tried to answer, but getting cut off by another pinch to my ear.

"Don't give me excuses child." He hissed, causing me to deflate a little.

"... I wanted to grab your attention." I mumbled.

"Well, you certainly have gained my attention, colt." He sneered, his white teeth getting as sharp as knives. "Though, you really ought to snap out of it."

"Huh?" I dumbly responded.

"The battle is already raging on. You shouldn't miss it."

"Wha- what're you talking about gramps?" Rimu said, only to be confronted with darkness. Now that he thought about it, everything is dark now.

"Gr-gramps?" Rimu stuttered. A light dripping noise being the only thing that responded. "I—I'm scared..."

*drip*

"I—I'm s-scared of the d-dark..."

[Right where we left off last.]

There was silence in the room. Palpable, thick, and almost sticky silence. The two mares stared at each other. One dead serious, wanting to get this over with and protect a stupid hat. The other, calm on the outside, calculating in the inside, just waiting, and waiting, and waiting for the chance to bite someponie's ass.

"So..." Started Bon Bon. "How's your day?"

"I am going to torture you."

"Okay then." Bon bon replied, before shooting up on her hooves and beckoning Starlight to action. "Let's get this over with."

"Gladly." Starlight said through gritted teeth.

THE BATTLE STARTS NOW!
Starlight!: 100/100
Bon Bon!: 145/100

"Okay I already hate this." Starlight said, looking dead ahead to the bright and flashy screen.

*TWACK!*

75/100

"Better pay attention vice-mayor!" Bon bon shouted.

Starlight was thrown across the room with a resounding thud, leaving her breathless and in shambles.

"Bucking tarta-" Before Starlight could finish that thought however, Bon Bon suddenly slammed a hoof on Starlight chest, causing another evacuation of the air in Starlight lungs.

50/100

"Now, I'll ask nicely okay?" Bon bon asked the coughing mare. "What happened here. Why was there an ursa major, and why did it disappear?"

"I-I don't-" *S T O M P*

"Answer me. Or I'll have to question your corpse instead." Bon bon sneered.

'This is bad.' Starlight thought.

20/100
Tip!: If your health goes to zero, you'll faint and probably die!

'Really bad."

'If I don't answer her, I'll die. I really can't fight back because, you know, she's an earth pony. Celestia dammit, why did you do this! You bucking idiotic me!'

Self loathing was one of Starlight's favorite hobbies. Second only to self pity.

Blehh! Boooooring! Are you really Starlight or are you just a faker, huh?

Starlight grit her teeth as she read the message, every fiber of her being tensed in anger causing Bon Bon to raise her eyebrow.

"What? Angry now? Or are you really trying to push me off?"

"Shut up." Starlight spat back.

Psh! As she could ever push you off! I mean-

The message suddenly disappeared, and reappeared next to Bon Bon's head.

Look at these stats! 3 on strength? 4 in stamina? A pony's average is 10! A unicorn is even as low as 7! But here Starlight is, being weaker than a fo-

"SHUT UP!" Starlight yelled with all her power causing Bon Bon shoot upwards and into the roof, breaking it, and landing outside of the room.

130/145

Finally! Some good action. Gonna shut up now, since having quotes in the middle of fight scene ruins it. Haha! 4th wall break.

"Nggyaaaa!" Starlight crazily screamed as she jumped through a convenient placed window, and directly into a crowd of ponies. "Come back here you bucking mud pony!"

The onlookers could only watch in disbelief as their vice-mayor suddenly rushed towards a coughing earth pony, who by all accounts was pretty much getting assaulted by their new mayor.

"I keep telling you man!" A green pegasus said to his friend as they watched Starlight beat up a defenseless mare. "The unicorns are always the crazy ones!"

"Shut up Green wing." His friend said, before smacking the pegasus's head.

Anyways. Awkward transition here.

"You-"
120/145
"—Stupid-"
110/145
"—Flank-"
100/145
"—Bastar- woah!" Starlight was suddenly thrown off Bon bon in one swift motion.

"That bucking tickles you ass!" Bon exclaimed, before standing up and dusting her self off. "I mean, really? Hoof instead of horn?"

"You're supposed to be fighting me! Not insulting me!" Starlight yelled, tears threatening to unionize.

"That's technically a form fighting." Bon bon spat back, causing Starlight to slowly lose her composure.

"BEING A TEENAGER IS HARD OKAY!?" Starlight... Screamed? Yelled. Wailed at the top of her lungs, tears streaming down her face.

You know, with all the traumatic experiences that happened in this dramatic retelling, you'd think Starlight would've snapped sooner.

"Continue the Celestia damned story Trixie!"

Okay okay sheesh fine.

[Chrystal... Reflection]

Her hooves splashed on the muddled sand beneath her, solidified with the blood of a baker's dozen of uncooperative buffalo's. It had been a little confusing at first. A herd of buffalo suddenly seething in anger the moment they saw you isn't exactly normal.

"Hurts... It... Hurts..." One of the poor souls groaned as Chrystal slowly approached. "Stupid... Why did we..."

The buffalo trailed off as she saw Chrystal looking down on her. "W-wait! I'm sorr—"

*CRACK*

*Drip...*

*Drip...*

"I don't have time for this..." Chrystal murmured as she lit her horn up and burned the body of the dead animal. "The sooner I find the fake queen, the faster I can go home."

With time not on her side she briskly trotted away from the bloodbath, her hoof prints staining the sand beneath her with blood.

'If I'm home, I can protect my little baby sister... Thorax...'

[Uh oh, hopefully that wasn't foreshadowing—]

"And— *sniff* I just can't— *angst*" Starlight tried to say, but her tears and sniffles stopped her from doing so.

"Dear Celestia she's a teenager through and through isn't she..." Bon Bon said in her mind as she looked at the sobbing mare infront of her. "Well, I also am a teenager technically. Buck. The S.M.I.L.E training didn't prepare me for this. C'mon Swee— Bon Bon, remember what the trainer said..."

Bon bon started to imagine all the times that her stupid trainer said. As she did, a clearer and clearer image popped up until—

"As you have already guessed. Your mommies and daddies aren't going to pick you up—"

"Wrong thing."

Ahem.

A memory suddenly showed herself to Bon bon. She was standing on a grassy field with other unlucky orphans around her. She focused her sights infront towards a light brown coated pegasus, a scar right on his right eye.

"Alright you maggots!" The trainer—I swear this is important to the story— shouted at the foals, terrifying a few of them in the process. "You lot are the ones who survived the first step of the process, so I'll cut to the chase."

"The first lesson in Government missions is to distance yourself from everything! From your allies, your enemies and even to yourself! If you can't learn this lesson, then you might as well die on the spot now!" Bon bon remembered being scared out her mind but looking back it now, the trainer was definitely saving them a whole lot of trauma.

"WHY AREN'T YOU LISTENING TO ME!?!" Starlight snapped Bon bon out of her thoughts with resounding scream, making the latter's ear ring in the process.

"I'm not a therapist that's why." Bon bon deadpanned.

Starlight was admittedly miffed about this fact, since Bon bon actually had a good answer.

"STILL!" Starlight yelled. "YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO ME! MAYBE I'LL REVEAL A HIDDEN HAT THAT I HID IN MY OFFICE DESK THAT'S KEY TO YOUR MISSION OR SOMEThing." Starlight yelled but trailed off at the end, her face pale with realization.

"Highly trained professional baby."

"W-wait!" Starlight hastily said. "Forget about that! Let's— uh—"

"Where's your office again?" Bon bon asked calmly.

"Oh, to the right and— BUCK!" Starlight exclaimed as Bon bon booked it towards her office. "COME BACK HERE!!"

"NO!"

Author's Note

Dude. This story is supposed to be filled with cocaine. Why are there sad-ish moments in my cocaine

Also, short ish chapter. I'll try to make the next one longer, since my exams have literally just ended.