My arm was aching, but I didn't dare lower it or drop the brick I was holding with it. The clearing around this ruined castle I'd found had been quiet, but my eyes remained wide and alert. From my spot behind one of the weird low thrones deep inside the castle, I carefully scanned the room around me.

I hated camping for this exact reason. No telling when and where wild animals might strike, like dad always used to say. 'Course, he also firmly believes that birds are spies for the government, so that kind of called a lot of his wisdom into question. Narrowing my eyes, I slowly crouched lower and set the brick down before hiding completely behind the throne.

Grumbling, I glared at the booklets Disfuckinguy had left with me which I had leafed through a few times since finding this place, between bouts of threatening the nothing around me with my brick. The titles might have been inked out, but the art, credits, terminology, and by God, the suggestion of needing 'Gary Gygax's Chainmail®' for combat told me exactly why my magic was so fucked up.

"Mo'fucking grognard ass chaos god, leaving me with D&D ZERO edition ass powers," I spat, shaking my head with a mournful sigh. "Couldn't even have made me a fucking Elf or something? Give me a cool special race power or some shit?" I let out a full breath as a moan and rubbed my eyes.

After a moment, I glanced back out and at one of the broken windows. The sun was still up but was much lower than when I'd arrived, which brought to mind a new set of problems. I was stuck in a ruin in the woods with no idea how far to the nearest patch of civilization, barely functioning magic, and it would be nighttime sooner rather than later.

"Oh-hoh my God, I'm going to die," I muttered, sagging back down against the throne and holding my head in my hands. Seriously, I'd take being a Halfing at this point. Pretty sure they were good at sneaking regardless of edition.

Wait.

I set my brow and cast a severe glare before rising to my feet.

"Yes, of course. How could I forget?" I slapped the booklets against my hand and paced. "I am an American man, born between 1981 and 1997!"

I thrust my empty clutching hand into the air. "I! Am a Millenial! I! Have the most potent and relevant ability for just such a situation!" I slowly crept onto the floor and lay my head on the booklets. I closed my eyes and sighed. "'Attempt to sleep off my problems.' Hell yeah."

The moon was in its place high in the sky, casting its pale light onto the castle garden. And all without a hint of the celestial body trying to rapidly switch places with its fiery counterpart. Just further confirmation to the average citizen that all was right after such a trying period, as well as confirmation that Celestia's duties were over for the day.

And so, she found herself in the garden, staring up at the moon before turning her attention to the petrified form of her old adversary sitting just before her. The new Element-bearers had certainly done a number on him. As opposed to when she and her sister had defeated the spirit ages ago, his face was frozen in an expression of shock and fear, not of mirth.

But she herself drew no mirth from this. Instead, she sighed and looked up a the moon.

"You know, there was a time not too many centuries ago when I would have continued research into a means to permanently be rid of you, just as Luna and I did when we first overcame you," she tilted her head. "A part of me believes you were aware of that."

Her eyes drifted to the statue of Discord. "You must be wondering what changed," she added, turning her attention fully to the statue. "Well, initially, the loss of my sister and the sudden trials that came with ruling this land alone devastated both my spirit and my ability to freely delve into such deep arcane secrets as destroying you would necessitate." The princess cast her eyes down as her mind wandered to days long passed. With a deep breath, she managed a smile.

"More recently, however, I've had a more positive worldview reinforced," she looked up at the statue's eyes. "I now firmly believe that anyone is capable of changing for the better if we only seek the means or individuals to help them."

She stood and took a few steps closer. "Believe it or not, I do envision a day when you can walk free amongst the rest of us," she declared, eyes locked with the statues. Humming, she turned and made her way to the castle. "Maybe someday."

"Sooner than you think."

"What?" Celestia gasped, whirling back around. She gazed in shock at the statue, mouth agape for a moment before she clenched her jaw and scanned the garden. Her eyes darted left and right and she leaned close to the ground. Regardless, she was still alone with the petrified spirit. She huffed and carefully studied the statue one final time before returning inside.

I groaned and slowly rolled onto my side. "Alrighty. Tried sleeping on stone, and on a mattress," I murmured as I rubbed the aching point between my shoulders. "Yeah, I'm a mattress guy." I let out a hard sigh and peeked around the thrones to see the sun was only now touching the horizon. I rubbed my face and sat up.

"At least my head's clearer," I muttered before blinking. I pointed at the window I'd looked at earlier before tracing my finger to the one on the opposite wall, through which the sun was now shining. I beamed and pumped my fist. "Yes! Slept all the way through to morning!" I paused and leaned forward to stare at the window.

"I think? Is that east?" I frowned and looked between the windows. "Does it still rise and set normal here?" I licked my front teeth, which definitely felt like I'd slept an entire night. My rumbling aching stomach tore me out of my thoughts.

I had to find food and water.

I grumbled and scooted forward to sit between the two thrones and rubbed my eyes. I was in a forest, there had to be something edible out there. Fuck if I knew how to identify what was and wasn't poison though. I sat with my hand curled against my chin when it hit me.

"Right. New day, new spell," I huffed and lay back to grab my booklets. "Let's see if anything in here can help." I sighed and scanned the names of the spells I could read, but nothing seemed especially useful.

Magic Missile's great and all, especially since we ain't using dice here. The spell tore a chunk out of a pretty solid-looking tree, so it could probably kill most of whatever's out in the woods. But only one of whatever's out in the woods. If I knew the first thing about hunting and skinning, it'd be great. I, however, remained a city boy.

I scanned the other options available to me, reading what the script claimed each spell did.

"Oh boy! 'Read Languages,'" I cheered. "My fucking favorite."

"'Ventriloquism.' OOOooh!" I grunted and hissed through my teeth. "'Sleep' is always a classic." I clicked my teeth a few times and was ready to commit the sleep spell to memory until I read the description of the spell just above it.

"Charm Person. Spell applies to all two-legged, generally mammalian figures near to or less than man-size, excluding all monsters in the "Undead" class, but including Sprites, Pixies, blah-blah-blah," I narrowed my eyes and focused on the end of the script. "Creatures who fail to resist come completely under the influence of the Magic-User until the charm is dispelled or they break free. See also, dispelling magic."

I slowly blinked and traced my finger over the chart that followed, showing that creatures of average intelligence could attempt to break free once every two weeks, and stupider things were even worse off. I traced my tongue against my teeth in thought.

"Would that work against a wild animal, though?" I said aloud. I curled my lip and hummed. "Charm Person, so.."
A crash from somewhere nearby snapped me out of my musings. I sat holding my breath and looked at the door but saw nothing. Instead, I heard what sounded like someone talking to themselves. I scowled.

"That sounds like a person," I mentally declared before committing Charm Person to memory and creeping to the door. I poked my head out and carefully looked up and down the hall. The voice was coming from the left and around another corner. I swallowed hard and began creeping that way, my casting hand raised in a twisted claw.

My heart was pounding and my hands were shaking. My lips were drawn back with trepidation, setting my face in an anxious snarl. Slowly, I tip-toed, until I saw yellow light fill the hall and corner. Immediately after that, it appeared.

"Easy money! Heh heh heh," the thing quietly cackled before it turned the corner and we got a proper look at each other.

A pony.

One of those ponies. With grey fur and teal hair, but still one of them. It also had a pair of bags hanging on its sides under its wings and a flickering metal lantern in its teeth. This last thing however was discarded as its jaw dropped and the lantern fell with a clatter.

"W-w-what the heck are YOU?!" She, cause I was pretty confident that was a girl's voice, cried. I set my brow and sprang forward a step with a guttural yawp.

I thrust my hands at her and unleashed my spell. The symbols laced together like a series of chain links and snapped out, ensnaring her limbs and head. She screamed and dropped to the floor, covering her eyes with her hooves. The chains rolled over her for a moment before vanishing.

I kept my hand raised but slowly leaned closer to see if it worked or not. After a moment, she peeked out from her hooves and stared at me.

"W-what did you do?" She blinked and slowly inspected herself. I frowned as she stood up and looked over her entire body before scowling and glaring at me. "What did you do?!"

"I.. Don't think she's charmed," I thought. Looking her over, still with my hand outstretched, it hit me.

-spell applies to all two-legged,-.

"Fuck you, Gary," I quietly huffed.

"Huh?" She exclaimed and recoiled.

"I have placed a curse upon you!" I roared, channeling my best curmudgeonly wizard voice. Her expression fell and her ears pressed against her skull.

"A c-curse?" Bingo. I took another step forward and clutched at the air, shaking my hand as I did.

"That's right! An evil curse that will-" She gasped and her wings snapped out.

"NO! Don't tell me! Please don't tell me it's a curse that'll turn my hooves into marshmallows!" She squealed, quivering as she stared at me in terror. I paused, hand still raised, and stared at her.

"EXACTLY THAT!" I hissed. Her expression fell and her pupils shrank before she started bawling.

"NO! ANYTHING but that!" She wailed, falling to the ground and covering her eyes with her hooves again. "I LOVE marshmallows! I won't be able to resist eating them! NO-ho-hooo..." She began sobbing in earnest and making me feel like an abject bastard.

"Aw, shit," I mentally groaned. My arm drooped as I scanned the corridor, thinking of what to say. I narrowed my eyes and stood up straight.

"Worry not, small horse!" I declared, causing her to sniffle and look up at me. "For my curse will only take effect if you disobey me!" Her ears twitched for a moment and she perked up slightly.

"Disobey you?" She murmured, sniffling again and gulping. "Well.. w-what do you want?" I sneered down at her.

"I dunno, I didn't think I'd get this far," I mentally murmured. Externally, however, I thrust my hand at her again, causing her to squeak and hug the floor tighter.

"I am attempting to reclaim the greater score of my lost eldritch power, stolen from me in days long since passed!" I bellowed. "You will assist me in my endeavors." She blinked and shivered, but said nothing. I gestured to the hallway.

"By coming out here alone, you have proven yourself a bold and resourceful creature! You will be an invaluable asset to me!" I raised an eyebrow and adopted an aloof posture, leaning away from her with my arms folded. "And the rewards for your aid shall be great!"

"Rewards?" She repeated, springing to her hooves with literal sparkles in her eyes. I blinked and slowly nodded.

"Yes, for I am nothing if not a generous overlord. To those deserving anyway," I hummed and looked her over, presenting another sneer. "So, what shall it be? Do you join me? Or spend the rest of your days fighting against the instinct to gnaw your own sugary hooves off?" She wilted at my enunciation and looked down at her hooves. She swallowed and slowly nodded.

"Okay, whatever you say," she replied with a sigh. I smiled as wickedly as I could manage. Based on her reaction and nervous smile, I must've done a damned good job.

"Excellent! This way, slave!" I turned and began leading her back the way I'd come, mentally scrambling to figure out what in God's name to do now.

Author's Note

Every spell used or mentioned so far is a legit D&D 0e spell and yes, Charm Person is exactly that cracked.