MORE Ponies in My House!

NEVER AGAIN

Never again will I try to teach two ponies who were obviously in some competition with each other long before they met me while shit-faced...

I am in SO much trouble...

It started out friendly enough. As soon as I came through the door with the case, I saw they were both arm wrestling (hoof wrestling?) with a pile of the cash set between them. The blonde had a slightly higher pile, and they were glaring at each other as they strained to drive the others' hoof down onto the table, with teeth clenched and sweat pouring off their foreheads. "Wow," I said, "...you two need to get out more..." As soon as I spoke, they broke their hoof-lock with each other; their eyes went as big as saucers (well, slightly bigger) when they spotted the beer and practically bowled me over! "Hang on, hang on, FUCK! Give me a chance to set this thing down!" I said as I held it up out of their reach, as the two of them jumped up around me like toddlers with their hooves frantically reaching up in 'gimme that!' gestures.

And that's when my 'winged' friend must have remembered she had...well...wings, because her eyes grew bright, she grinned like a she-devil, then took off and yoinked the case right out of my hands!

"Hey, you crazy bitch! Come back here!!" I yelled as I gave chase! The little blue cunt was waaaay stronger than she looked, for that case was almost her body length and at least twenty pounds, yet she had no problem keeping out of my reach as she buzzed around my downstairs while laughing her ass off at me the entire time! While the blonde was on her back, with tears rolling down her cheeks as she held her stomach and rocked back and forth, howling with laughter. That did it!

I grit my teeth. "This. Ends. NOW." I waited until "Flying Girl" was coming back near my living room, then stepped onto my dining table and leaped through the air with a blood-curdling roar! "AHHHHHHHH...GOTCHA!!" Her eyes flew open in shock and surprise as I got both hands on the case (it was a good thing I'd chosen cans, not bottles!), tucked it in a football carry, and landed heavily on my feet! I spun around to face them, lifted the case high above my head, and grunted, "OOK! OOK! OOK! ME WIN!!" I then started a victory dance around the room, with hip thrusts and foot shuffles while holding the case high and chanting, "Me win, me win, oh YEAH, me win!" as they both watched me with flat expressions.

After a few more hip gyrations (just to cement my victory of Human Over Pony!), I set the (still cold!) case down on the table, tore open the cardboard, extracted a beer, and popped it open. The beer foamed out from all our antics, but I didn't give a shit! I took a sweet, sweet sip and went, "Ahhhhh..." Both of them were looking up at the beer with their tongues hanging out and their 'puppy dog' eyes, so I took another glug, belched, then dug in the case, popped two open, and gave them one each.

They were both shit-faced before we'd gotten through half of it.

...and I was a little buzzed myself. Which, in my defense, might explain why I did something really, really stupid.

I had stowed the rest of the case in my fridge and was downing (for me) my third beer when my adrenaline wore off and my arms started feeling sore. Hefting that case over my head had taken some effort, not to mention my well-earned antics, so if I had that much trouble, that must indicate Rainbow truly did have some muscles under all that blue fur.

This is the part where I fucked up.

I found my pen and paper and wrote out a quick note to that effect. "Bolt" had a little trouble focusing, as she was also on her third (or fifth? I couldn't remember) beer, but once she made out my message, she smirked and showed it to her friend. Apple Jack read it, stared back at Dash a moment, finished her own beer, pushed up her hat, and then crushed the can flat against her forehead. She wiped her mouth with her forearm and glared up at me as if she were sighting a target. Then she gestured for my writing stuff, wrote out a quick note, and slowly, deliberately gave it back to me while watching me for my reaction:

Earf pones arr STRONGERR. i SHOW!

She waited until she was sure I understood her note, then hopped off the couch, walked over to the end of it, and without a hint of strain, picked up the end with both Rainbow and me still sitting on it! "Whoa!" I yelled, "What are you doing?!" as I leaned forward and grabbed the arm of the couch to keep from being thrown onto the floor! But she didn't give either of us a chance to get off the couch before she'd gotten herself underneath it and heaved it entirely up into the air! I gathered myself and jumped off the couch, then spun around to look at her. She was holding it with both hooves above her head and her back hooves planted firmly apart, with a fierce gaze of pure determination on her face. Once she saw me staring at her and felt my weight leave the furniture, she set it down with a >thud!< walked up to me on two legs and took my beer, then hopped back on the couch and faced me.

After draining it in three big swallows, she belched, tossed the empty aside, and put a hoof to her throat. With visible effort, she grimaced, then grunted, "Ook, ook..." I grinned at her, though her friend was staring at her with her jaw practically hitting the floor.

"Well played, little pony. Well played."

For the rest of that evening, they tried to outdo each other by mimicking Human sounds. I made sure to teach them all the words they'd need to fit into Human society and present the best impression.

"...asshole..."

"..Aaa...shhh..shole...?"

"Close! Try this one: biiiitch..."

"...bbbb...EEEE...chhh..."

"Naw, naw...it's an, 'iii', not an, 'eee'...try it again!"

"Bbb...IIII...tch..."

"VERY good! This calls for another round!" As I got up to get more beers, I looked back to see them pointing and laughing at each other while trying out their new words:

"Y..ew...B...iii...t...ch!"

"Y..OU...AA..sh...Hole!"

By the time I'd returned with fresh ones, they'd made surprising progress:

"B..b..iiitch!"

"A...ass...hole!"

As I set the beers down and opened them for them, they looked up at me, then each other, then pointed up at me and chorused: "Aaa...ss.HOLE!" I held back a tear as my chest swelled with pride! I could only imagine the faces of the first officials who would be treated to their new vocabulary and how they would react! People have gotten so used to these aliens and their cute faces, but I'd heard there are still a few holdouts; but once they hear they can talk just like us and swear with the best of us, even the most cynical should come around! I'm sure there will always be a few with permanent sticks up their butts, but there's no pleasing them anyway.

As it turned out, I didn't need to wonder about the impression they'd make on "officials" for long. After a few hours, and the three of us were good and drunk, there was a knock on my door. I stumbled up to it and opened it, then was almost shocked sober. There, standing on my doorstep, was the Princess Twilight, but she wasn't alone. She'd brought two other ponies with her.

One was a white unicorn with a purple, perfectly styled mane, long eyelashes, and an alluring perfume that immediately sent a tingle down my spine.

From the look on her face, I could tell we were NOT going to get along.

But the other unicorn...she was...different. Her coat was lime green, her mane was cyan and white...and she had what I could only describe as CRAZY EYES! I took a step back as she lunged forward, only to see her get wrapped in a purple glow that was coming from the Princess' horn! She was babbling something and waving her hooves at me, clearly trying to grab me while staring up at me with those crazy eyes, as I heard Twilight talking to her in their language. After a few moments, she calmed down, turned to Twilight, and nodded her head. Twilight said something else to her, and she nodded again; then, I watched as the glow disappeared. The Princess looked up at me with what was clearly an apologetic look, so I shrugged and stood aside.

As SOON as my drunk friends saw the new arrivals, they both pointed at them and clearly shouted:

"BITCH!!"

...then they fell over, laughing their asses off. Twilight stared at them, then looked up at me. I went to get my pen and paper, then wrote a short note:

I can explain.