MORE Ponies in My House!

Twilight watched with a dry expression as Dash and Apple Jack clicked on my CD player, jumped up on my coffee table, and began a saucy musical number using all the dirty words and phrases I'd taught them (and there were more than two!), complete with high kicks in a chorus line, like the Rockettes from a Broadway show in the 40s. This is what I get for allowing them access to my TV while I was gone, getting them their beer, and then letting them get completely hammered once I got home.

Twilight nudged me and indicated for me to follow her up the stairs. At the top of the stairs, I heard something strange and looked back. Apparently, 'Crazy Eyes' thought they were having so much fun she'd decided to join them, so I now had three mares dancing on my table, side by side, shoulder to shoulder, and arm over arms, with synchronized high kicks and filthy words being directed at the pony I now thought of as 'Stuck-Up Bitch' for the foreseeable future.

Once we arrived at my bedroom, the Princess made sure the door was locked, did something to it with her horn, and then scowled up at me. I took my pen and paper and started writing, but it was encased in a purple glow and flung across the room! I looked down at her in surprise as she cleared her throat and...and...SPOKE.

"Just WHAT in Celestia's Name has gotten into you?!" I stared at her with my mouth open and closing like a fish gasping for air.

She scowled again. "Well?!"

I pointed a shaking finger at her. "You...you can...talk..."

She raised an eyebrow. "What you mean to say is, 'I can speak your language,' for I've been able to talk since I was a filly. Now then, answer the question: what were you thinking?!"

I placed a hand on the back of my head and swayed a bit unsteadily. "Oh...uh...you must mean...letting them get...drunk?"

Her glare increased."Nooo...I was fully aware of that habit LONG before today! I was referring to their...ahem...'colorful' language? WHY would you teach them words like those?!"

I shrugged. "Because it was...funny?"

Her eyes grew wide. "Funny? FUNNY?! And just how am I supposed to explain this to the Earth Embassy?! To the Equestrian Embassy?! To Princess Celestia?!" I staggered over to a chair and sat down in the middle of her tirade, which caused her face to turn a more interesting shade of purple. "Are you even LISTENING to me?!" she shouted.

I waved a hand. "Yeah, sure, Your Highness, but I think you're getting worked up over nothing." Before she could start shouting again, I held up a finger and said, "Hold that thought..." then got up and started walking towards my bathroom.

"Hey! Where are you going?! I'm not done talking to youuuuEEEEE!!!" she shrieked as she backpedaled out, and finally took the hint just as Carl Jr. was hitting the target.

"Ahhhh..." I sighed, "That's the stuff..." I have no idea how I was able to hold as much beer as I did for over an hour, but it was making its O so satisfying way out now!

"Warn me next time!" she shouted from the other end of the bedroom.

"Sorry, can't hear you!" I shouted back. "Peeing!"

"PIG!" she yelled.

"Still can't hear you!" I laughed. "Busy...uh! getting...uh! last...drops...out!"

"ARRRRGH!!"

Chuckling to myself, I gave my junk the ol' 'shake-a shake-a,' zipped up, flushed, then headed out of the bathroom. She was staring up at me with a look that could bore holes in solid steel.

"I...didn't hear any water...from your sink." Her eyes swiveled slowly down to my hands. "You don't...wash those things after?!"

I held my hands up and looked at them, then I stared at her as a devious smile grew on my face. Her pupils shrank as she read my expression (I guess ponies have gotten better at this!) and she whispered, "...you wouldn't..." ..so I did what came naturally: I started chasing her around my room! "EEEEEE!!" she squealed. "Don't touch me!!" she giggled as she took flight and zipped just out of my reach!

"Dick germs! DICK GERMS!! MUAHAHAHAHAH!!" I yelled as we crashed and tumbled all over my bedroom! Just as I was about to grab her, she shut her eyes, lit her horn, and >POOF!<, she was gone! I stopped and looked around. "Shit! I didn't know she could do that! Where'd she go?"

"Right here!" I heard behind me, and I nearly jumped out of my skin!

I cornered her, spread my arms, and leaped. "Gotcha!"

...was what I would have said had I not found myself suddenly suspended in midair by Twilight's crazy magic! "Hey!" I shouted as she smiled up at me with a SMUG expression, "No fair! This is CHEATING!"

"On the contrary, my dear Human friend," she said as she trotted me to my bathroom, "...this is well within my range of capabilities, and as the saying goes, 'All is fair in love and war?" Keeping me suspended in the air, she levitated soap and turned on my sink. Full blast. Cocking an eyebrow, she said, "Now then: we can do this the easy way...or MY way. Your choice..."

Because I'm an idiot, I asked, "Umm...what are my choices?"

She only smiled.

"You COULD have warned me first!" I groused as I dragged myself out of my shower, fully clothed, and began pulling my soaked sweater off. She had her back to me as she used her magic to toss me a towel.

"You needed to sober up, and besides, you smelled like you needed a proper soaking," she giggled. Sparing me what was left of my tattered dignity and keeping her back to me, she added, "I've left you some of your Human clothes on the toilet, so hurry up and get dressed! You and I still have matters to discuss!" With that, she trotted out and shut my door.

"...bitch..." I muttered under my breath.

"I heard that!"

"What in Celestia's Name could they be doing up there?" Rarity pondered aloud as she looked up the stairs. The impromptu dance number had ended, and all but Rarity were sprawled upon the couch, enjoying yet another round of suds. Applejack and Dash had long since figured out how to open their own beers, so OF COURSE they'd persuaded Lyra to try some.

Rainbow took a swig and laughed, "Know...>hic!< knowin' that egghead, she's proff..ably...probobblay? LIKELY...bor...boring him to tears with a lectshure about shome science-y shtuff! >hic!< Or...or...shomething about Hoo...Hoo-mun/Pony relations! She looked pretty pisshed when me and AJ call...called her that Hoo-mun word!"

Applejack chuckled, belched, and put in, "That washh pretty funny! Ah jus' hope she knows we wuz jus' playin' around; we didn't mean nuthin'!"

But Rarity wasn't convinced. "Then...why did she cast a 'silence spell' on the door? What could she be discussing with him that she doesn't want the rest of us to hear?" She looked back at her friends and wrinkled her nose. "You. Are all drunk."

Lyra raised a hoof. "N...not ME! I...I'm...>hic!< luvin' thish..Hu...Human...DRINK!" holding up her half-empty beer. "I...could...lash...for...hours..." she suddenly tipped her head back and began snoring. AJ and Dash exchanged grins.

"Lightweight!"

"I still think you're blowing this waaay out of proportion, Princess," I said as I sat on my bed and dug a corner of my towel into my ear. "We Humans respect someone who can curse a little when they're talking! It shows they're not some 'stuck up' prude."

The Princess put a hoof over her face and muttered, "You don't understand: we ponies are doing our best to present the most favorable picture before you Humans!" She dropped her hoof and glared up at me. "I can just see it now! 'Hello, Mr. President! Who's this BITCH beside you?! Your wife?! What a CUNT, DICKFACE!" I stared at her for a second, then fell over onto my back, laughing until the tears streamed down my face. "It's not funny!" she shouted.

She kept glowering at me until I finally regained control, then I sat up and wiped the tears from my eyes. "Twilight, first of all, you really don't know how we do things here! My reaction is probably the same reaction you would get from our President! It's what we call a 'roast!' That's what we call 'ball-busting,' or 'giving someone shit,' when they're a good friend!" At her blank expression, I added, "It's mostly a 'guy' thing."

She furrowed her brow. "Wait...so you...intentionally insult each other...to show you...LIKE...the other pony? I mean...person?"

I shrugged. "Sure! Me and my friends fuck with each other all the time! Especially when we've been drinking!"

She looked away, clearly thinking about what I'd said. "That would explain a few things..."

I smiled. "So, you see? It isn't so bad!" I stood. "Now, I have a question for you: Why'd we have to have this conversation up here? Did you not want your friends to think you're mad at them?"

She shook her head. "No, that isn't it at all." She looked up at me. "I...didn't want them to know I can speak 'Human.'"

I raised an eyebrow. "That's weird. Why should that be a secret?" My curiosity was further piqued when she blushed.

She looked away and said, "Be...because the secret that my Mentor thought would be 'so much fun for me to find out on my own,' involved...a spell that required...Human...participation..."