Scam Your Heart Away

Flam stood in front of a house. A house? He took another glimpse at the business card. Sure enough, the address matched. He was expecting something better, like an office building or a casino.

Is this where Filthy Rich lived? Though it was bigger than most houses in the area, Flam was expecting flare. Pizzaz, even. Where were the marble pillars and the gold-plated windows? But much more importantly, who keeps business cards with their home address?

Flam cleared his throat, turning up his charm.

“Hell-o, my sweetkins, I’ve arrived!” Flam sang out, knocking on the door. The door swung open, Filthy Rich standing within.

“Well, hello, Mr. Flam.” Filthy Rich greeted. He moved to the side, gesturing for Flam to step in. “Welcome to my humble abode.” He said with a playful bow.

The house's interior was much fancier than the exterior. The floors were marble, and the walls were granite. The floors were so clean that he could see his reflection. Flam suspected that Filthy Rich had maids.

“Nice place you have here.” Flam complimented. Filthy chuckled.

“Oh, it’s nothing much. Just living comfortably.” He brushed it off. ‘Living Comfortably’ Flams flank. This place was humongous compared to the dump he and Flim lived in.

“I have to show you someone very important.” Filthy Rich smiled. This was it! Flam was going to find something to take over Barnyard Bargains. Maybe this mysterious pony was a high-ranked investor.

Flam followed the stallion into the living quarters. It was spacious. So spacious that it had twelve couches scattered about. When Flam made it big, he had to buy this place off Filthy.

“Diamond Tiara!” Filthy Rich called out. Diamond Tiara sounded like a fancy name. Perhaps they were a diamond investor. Flam needed someone like that—a pink filly toddled down the hallway, a smile on her face.

“Here’s my pride and joy.” Filthy announced. Diamond Tiara nuzzled into her father's legs, staring at Flam with child-like wonder. A child? That’s what was so important? He could find a child on the street any day.

“I’m sorry to trick you like this, but most ponies aren’t willing to spend time with my sweet Diamond Tiara so early on.” Filthy Rich explained. Flam looked down at the sweet filly and quickly back to Filthy.

“I…love kids.” Flam strained to say. Filthy’s face lit up.

“Well, I’m glad! You need to get my little Diamond Tiara’s approval before we date.” He explained. “She’s very special to me. Isn’t that right?”

“Mhm!” Diamond Tiara squeaked happily. “I’ll make sure he’s perfect for you, daddy!”

Great, now Flam would be serving some brat for Celestia knows how long. He really should’ve let Flim take over this con.

“Now, play nice, sweetie. Don’t scare him off.” Filthy Rich ordered, patting his daughter's head. He turned his attention to Flam. “I’ll be back within the hour.” Filthy Rich reassured. And with that, Filthy Rich walked out of the room.

Flam stared at the filly, trying his darndest not to cringe. Out of all things, why did he have to impress a child? The air was thick as the pair continued to stare at each other. Was he supposed to say something?

“Let’s play in my room.” Diamond Tiara suggested, breaking the silence. Well, it was more like a command than a suggestion because she was already leading Flam away from the living room.

Flam grumbled to himself, reluctantly following the child. His entire plan was in the hooves of some child! If he were in Filthy Rich’s hooves, he wouldn’t listen to some little girl for advice. He’d take charge! He'd date any handsome suitor that came his way without asking a child twice.

After a long trek down an endless hallway, they finally made it to Diamond Tiara’s room. Flam’s jaw dropped so hard that it nearly popped off.

This room was bigger than the living room! At this point, Filthy Rich was just wasting space. No normal pony needed this much space. But despite the sheer size, it still looked like a filly’s room. Posters of boy bands and frills everywhere.

One thing that stood out to Flam was a small table in the middle of the room. It was a bulky plastic, looking as if it were made for a toddler rather than a rich filly. Honestly, it stuck out like a sore horn. On the table was a quaint little tea set. Nothing fancy like Flam had expected.

Diamond Tiara pranced to the table, shimmying into the plastic seat. She demandingly pointed to the seat across from her.

“Sit! We’re having tea.”

The unicorn huffed. Is this what his day was going to be? He could be having tea with nobles in Canterlot! Flam eyed the seat wearily. There was no way in Tartarus that he could fit; it was meant for a child!

But Diamond Tiara stared at him with big, expecting eyes. He muttered a profanity, lowering himself into the chair. The stallion shoved his rear into the seat, the plastic pinching at his sides uncomfortably.

Diamond Tiara chuckled, grasping to a teacup. Flam held the cup between his hooves.

Holy Celestia, this was real China. Not only that, the engravings were made of gold. Flam resisted the urge to nab on right then and there. Diamond Tiara’s eyes bored into him. There was no way he could take it without her noticing.

Flam’s gaze wandered to a dresser pressed against the wall. On the dresser was a jewelry box. It spilled over with dozens upon dozens of necklaces. Even from across the room, Flam could tell those had real gems.

With a subtle flash of the horn, he teleported a necklace to his person. It was nestled comfortably under his hat.

He glanced back at Diamond Tiara, who stared at him expectedly. The unicorn brought the cup to his lips, slurping at the air within.

“Mmm, how delicious.” He complimented, patting his stomach. Diamond Tiara scrunched up her muzzle, staring at Flam as if he had lost his mind.

“Um, we’re having real tea. I’m not a baby; I don’t pretend.” Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes. She clapped her hooves, catching the attention of a nearby butler.

“Randolph, can you be a dear and fetch us some tea?” Diamond Tiara asked, batting her eyelashes. Who in the hoof was Randolph?

"Yes, Miss Tiara." Someone spoke. Flam whipped his head around, nearly jumping from his seat. An elderly purple earth pony stood in the corner of the room. How long had he been there?

As Randolph left, he gave Flam a longing look. Pity filled his eyes. Flam had no reason to be pitied. As the stallion left, Flam looked back at the filly.

Before he could predict it, Diamond Tiara lunged toward the stallion. She grabbed him by the bowtie, yanking the stallion down. She pressed their foreheads together, an ugly scowl appearing on her face.

“What are your intentions with my daddy? Money? Fame?” Diamond Tiara accused. Flam blinked in surprise. How could such a little thing be so intense? He attempted to shuffle back, but her grip was firm. How could she be so strong?What was Filthy Rich feeding her?

“I-I just like him for who he is!” Flam defended. Diamond Tiara scoffed, rolling her eyes.

“Get real. No one just wants to get with him. He’s Filthy Rich, for Celestia’s sake!” Diamond Tiara exclaimed. “The richest pony in Ponyville.”

This filly was more perceptive than Flam had anticipated. But this wasn’t an obstacle for dear old Flam Scam. If he could charm an adult, he could most definitely charm a filly. All children had small, impressionable brains.

“Isn’t a filly like you too young to be worried about such trivial things? How about we get some candy to take our minds off it?” Flam suggested. Diamond Tiara scoffed.

“Oh, please. I’m the richest filly in Ponyville. If I wanted candy, I can get candy.”

What was Flam meant to bribe her with? Diamonds? He didn’t have diamonds! And even if he did, he doubted that this little warthog would take it.

“Ahem,” Randolph cleared his throat, catching the pair's attention.

“Your tea, Miss Tiara.” Randolph interrupted, hobbling into the room. Diamond Tiara finally released her hellish grip, plopping into her seat.

“Thank you, Randolph.” She beamed. Flam had to admit her acting skills were good. If she kept it up, she could be a better con artist than him one day!

Flam slowly sat down, rubbing underneath his tie. She pulled so hard that his neck was starting to bruise!

The elder carried the teapot to the pair, pouring each member a cup. He placed the tea kettle on the table, giving the pair a brief bow. As Randolph departed, he gave Flam another look of pity. It was much more harrowing this time around.

Flam turned his attention back to Diamond Tiara. She stared into her tea, the cup pressed firmly between her hooves. She leaned into her chair, taking a sip of her tea. She sighed wistfully, placing the cup back on the table.

“I get so fussy without my afternoon tea.” Diamond Tiara chuckled. “I came on too strong. Let’s start over.” She apologized, sticking her hoof out.

Flam hesitated. What if this was a trick? What if she grabbed his hoof and flung him across the room? Well, not that, but probably something worse. Against his better judgment, he took her hoof. She shook his hoof firmly, a content smile on her face.

“My name is Diamond Tiara. It’s very nice to meet you!”

“Flam Scam.”

Diamond Tiara arched a brow.

“Your last name is Scam?”

“Yes, yes. It’s a family name.” Flam hastily explained. Diamond Tiara hummed, pressing her hooves together.

“What exactly are your intentions with my father?” She questioned, tilting her head.

“I just think he’s a nice stallion.”

Diamond Tiara murmured, eyeing Flam.

“I think you’re lying to me.”

"And what do you say that?"

Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes.

"It's obvious. You're dressed like you're in a barbershop quartet, and you talk like you're on a radio show!" Diamond Tiara started. "If you're not lying, there has to be something wrong with you."

Flam huffed, putting his hoof to his chest. He thought his outfit and way of speaking was fine! If anything, this imp was the problem. His mind stewed with every insult in the book, but he held his tongue.

"There's nothing wrong with me." Flam defended, though it came out more as a low grumble.

“For all I know, you can be a stranger from the streets. You could teach me about drugs.” Diamond Tiara gasped, feigning fear. "I'm a child, I need a good role model. Not some washed-up street urchin." Flam rolled his eyes, crossing his arms.

“Oh, please. I can be a good role model.”

“Oh, yeah? Prove it.”

Flam furrowed his brows, wracking his brain for an idea. What did kids like? What did he like as a kid?

“I’ll teach you to pickpocket.”

Diamond Tiara arched a brow, leaning back into her seat.

“I’m listening.”

“Think about it. You’re already rich. If you can pick pockets, it’ll double-no, triple your profits.”
Diamond Tiara hummed, rubbing her chin. She squinted suspiciously at the unicorn.

“How do I know you’re not lying? For all I know, you can just be trying to get on my good side.”

How could he possibly prove that right now? There was no one to steal from! Unless…

Flam grumbled, reaching under his hat. What was the point of stealing if he didn’t get to keep his prize? This was for the great good, he had to remind himself. Reluctantly, he dangled the topaz necklace above the filly's eyes.

“I believe this belongs to you.”

Diamond Tiara looked Flam, her jaw slacked. She snapped her head to her jewelry back, then to the unicorn.

“How did you-?”

“A good pickpocketer never reveals their secrets,” Flam said smugly.

“You drive a hard bargain, mister.” Diamond Tiara huffed. Her pout turned into a mischievous grin. “I’m in.”

“Knock knock!” Filthy Rich announced, wrapping his hoof against the door. Flam scrunched his nose. What kind of loser says ‘knock knock’ out loud?

“Daddy!” Diamond Tiara cheered, leaping from her seat. She pranced to her father, nuzzling his forelegs.

“Did he do good?” Filthy asked. Diamond Tiara looked Flam up and down, her muzzle scrunched with concentration. Her eyes narrowed as she eyed the stallion.

For whatever reason, Flam felt a bit nervous. He had no reason to be; he knew he had played right into this filly’s heart.

“Yup, he’s all good!” She confirmed with a smile. Filthy Rich beamed, looking back to Flam excitedly.

“You hear that, Mr. Flam? You’re in the clear!”

Flam let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding.

“With my daughter's blessing, I’m happy to say you’re my boyfriend now.”

Though the circumstances were strange, he couldn't help but to feel overjoyed. He was being asked in a childs bedroom, for Celestia's sake. He let a smile creep to his lips.

"What an absolute pleasure."