Pet PlayView OnlinePinkie Pie's Jazz ClubPet Play A request by Ghost Mike: A previously-unknown Ponyville law has been unearthed which has swapped the civil rights of all ponies and pets in the town, and also flipped all owner/pet relationships legally. “I mean personally, I’m in favor of it,” Twilight said, before giving a luxurious stretch and curling up in her pony bed. “Spike did try to make me cook at first, but I can’t cook at all. And my hoofwriting is awful. So he still takes care of the house and I still do whatever I want. The biggest change is I can bite ponies I don't like." “Exactly!” Rarity agreed, “The biting is so important.” “Why would you need to bite a pony, exactly?” Rainbow Dash asked, from the cloud where she and tank cuddled, while tank slowly fed her celery. “Well,” Rarity said, “say I was lying with my belly up, like this,” and she rolled to show the white fluff that adorned her underside. “And along somepony comes, and I want them to pet my belly exactly two times. But then they have the absolute indecency to pet me a third time! Well, obviously I would have to bite them most vigorously.” “Probably get your hooves involved too,” Twilight suggested. “Maybe curl up and kick them a bit.” “Exactly,” Rarity nodded. “Twilight gets it.” “Y’all are having a very different experience than me,” Applejack scoffed. “Every day seven in the evening rolls around, I’m so hungry I could eat a whole hay bale, and you know what Winona does? She balances a potato chip on my nose and tells me I’m not allowed to eat it until she says. And I’m like, girl, just give me a sandwich. I can see you’ve got a whole hoagie where I can’t reach it up on the tall shelf. But there is no way that dog is giving me a decent meal until I do the trick.” “Don’t you have a lot of free time at home though?” Pinkie Pie asked, who was alone as Gummy was busy holding down a productive job that paid for an exotic pet. “I mostly spend it waiting for her to get home.” “What about you, Fluttershy?” Rainbow Dash asked. “It must have been a pretty big change at the shelter.” All eyes went to Fluttershy, who sat silently at the far end of the circle. She wore a leather harness, a dog mask of the same material, and tight around her neck was a collar that connected to a strong leash. The cord of that leash in turn was held by Angel Bunny, who gave it a good yank whenever she was bad. “Girls,” Fluttershy said, “I think I misunderstood the mayor’s email.”
The Mane 7View OnlinePinkie Pie's Jazz ClubThe Mane 7 A request by GreyNoise: Starlight gets bored waiting in line for something and decides to speed things up a bit. Starlight and Trixie stood in line at Barnyard Bargains. Filthy Rich’s iconic store was one of the most modern buildings in Ponyville. Though the building exterior matched Ponyville’s rustic aesthetic, the inside was filled with metal shelves and fluorescent lights, all mounted above sterile white-tile flooring. A dozen numbered checkout lines were staffed by twice as many ponies, and cutting edge automated checkout systems rolled goods along miniature conveyor belts. Scanners beeped, cash registers chimed, and ponies gossiped as they stood in line with saddle bags full of Hearthwarming gifts. It was the height of the gift-buying season, and even with all twelve checkout lines running at full capacity, the lines of ponies stretched well back into the isles of shelves. Starlight and Trixie were there to get a plant for Twilight and some action figures for Rainbow Dash, and so stood with their two purchases in the back of the ‘Express’ line that stretched all the way through produce. “Long line,” said Starlight. “Sure is,” said Trixie. She tapped a hoof twice. Then Starlight pulled out a gun. Later that evening, Starlight sat in Twilight’s office. She had a serene yet thoughtful smile on her face. “I think it’s mostly an impulse control problem?” she said. Then she sipped her hot coco.
Waste ManagementView OnlinePinkie Pie's Jazz ClubWaste Management A request by njits23: Twilight investigates where her crystal castle's plumbing goes. Twilight was a prim and proper pony: neat, polite, a tad prudish. She didn’t swear, she didn’t make jokes about sex, she thought private affairs were best kept private. During long trips, when she heard the call of the little filly’s room, she would hold off until her party found an outhouse. But one day, shortly after she became an alicorn, Twilight and Spike were enjoying a nature walk in the hills surrounding Ponyville when Twilight started to feel an uncomfortable pressure in her nether regions. A warning that while hydration was important, she probably should not have drank an entire pot of tea before departing on her walk. And there she was, at least an hour away from the nearest facilities. But, she was alone other than Spike, well out of sight of any possible observer. Much as it chafed her sense of propriety, she didn’t see the harm in stepping off the trail and relieving herself in the bushes. She told him to turn around, and stepped out of sight. Something splashed on the ground, and every plant in a fifty yard radius burst into bloom. Bushes and trees alike exploded into riots of color, as radiant flowers competed with ripe fruit for space on the branches. Ferns grew to the size of saplings, weeds transmuted into grains, and an apple seed lying on the ground put out roots. In a matter of seconds, the seed had become a sapling, then a tree, then rich with the finest apples anypony had ever seen. They fell from the sky like rain, the manifestation of nature’s bounty. “Twilight!” Spike screamed, dodging apples that fell from the sky like missiles. “What’s happening!?” “I don’t know!” Twilight screamed back, panic in her voice. Then, “No don’t turn around I’m not done!” Alicorn waste is the most magical substance known to Equestria -- to the degree one considers alicorns a natural part of the world. Most griffon scholars did hold it was “a little bit weird” for ponies to spontaneously grow new limbs because they did friendship super well, but nobody counted their opinion. “It’s perfectly alright,” Celestia attempted to reassure Twilight, assuming a soft and soothing tone. “Earth pony magic can bless natural processes, and it’s natural for animal waste to return nutrients to the plants around them. If you ask your earth pony friends, I’m sure most of them will have a story about some time they urinated on a plant and it burst into bloom. It’s the same with you, you’re merely somewhat more powerful than the average earth pony.” “This is mortifying,” Twilight sat with her face in her hooves, afraid to touch the tea she’d been offered for what it might lead to in a few hours. “If I poop in the average pony’s toilet my waste will eat through the pipes.” “You will learn to control your earth pony magic in time,” Celestia assured her. “But as you will eventually be twice the size -- and twice the weight -- of the common pony, you might find using ordinary restrooms difficult. I can send you some royal staff who have experience planning around that particular indignity.” That remark made Twilight even more embarrassed, her cheeks burning red as she tucked her wings around her. “I’m going to have to schedule my bathroom breaks.” “Nopony ever said being a princess would be easy,” Celestia teased, with a small smile. “Though I do have one question. To where do the toilets in your crystal palace empty? Excessive buildups of highly magical material can be dangerous, or even lead to an explosion. If the toilets lead to a septic tank or cistern of some kind, you will need to get it emptied regularly.” “Emptied?” Twilight frowned. “But where would I find a pony able to safely remove that much… hazardous material?” Twilight stuck her head in the front door of the farmhouse at Sweet Apple Acres: “Hey, Applejack, you want to buy my crap?” Applejack didn’t look up from her paper: “Twilight, I ain’t bought anything you said in the last five years and I’m not starting now.”
Expense Self-ReportView OnlinePinkie Pie's Jazz ClubExpense Self-Report A request by Flutterpriest: The Wonderbolts team has to make budget cuts. Spitfire didn't know they had a budget and audits the members for their company purchases. Turns out they don't know how a company card works and bought some... things.. “You will stand at attention, wonderbolt!” Spitfire bellowed, red in the face with the sheer force of her rage. Though a certain tough love was part of her leadership style, her state at that moment was above and beyond. “And you will remain at attention until I’m done yelling at you, or so help me Celestia I will shove my hoof so far up your ass you’ll taste my horseshoes!” She screamed the instruction directly into Soarin’s left ear, so loud she left it ringing -- but he snapped sharply to attention, and every other pony in line likewise stiffened. Though many ponies had had their expense reports questioned, only three of the wonderbolts had the particular honor to be summoned to Spitfire’s office: Soarin, Fleetfoot, and Rainbow Dash. “Soarin,” Spitfire slapped the expense reports on her desk with one hoof, and shoved a second hoof hard under Soarin’s chin. “You will explain to me why it appears you put mortgage payments on a house on your government credit card!” Soarin let out a faint whine, and struggled to speak with the upwards pressure on his jaw: “You said I could live off base if I wanted.” “But I didn’t say the government was going to pay for it, now did I!?” Spitfire snarled. “I don’t give a flying feather what you do on your private time, Wonderbolt, but when you shit yourself don’t expect mommy Celestia to come in and clean up the mess. Am I understood!?” “Sir, yes sir!” Soarin yelped, withering under the intensity of her gaze. “And you, Fleetfoot!” She moved down the line. “Nearly twenty thousand bits of payments to, ‘Shady’s Joe’s Totally Legitimate Industries LLC.’” “I’m sorry, sir!” Fleetfoot whined. “I got hooked on the white stuff. I need that rush.” “Sugar is available in the commissary.” “But I don’t like to share.” Spitfire snarled: “And I don’t like that I’m saddled with your stupidity! But here we are? Using your government credit card with a sugar dealer. I’m going to bust you down to private so fast you’ll leave a crater when you hit the ground!” She rounded on Rainbow Dash last of all, stabbing an accusatory hoof at the reports: “Seven-thousand bits at ‘Lady Rarity’s House of Virtue’?” Rainbow Dash blushed, a red heat under her cheeks as she tried not to stare at the floor. “I have trouble focusing on shows if I can’t… you know. I need company.” “And what?” Spitfire snarled. “The two-hundred bits base package wasn’t good enough? You had to spend seven thousand bits of the taxpayers money on the Ultra-Deluxe Suite?” “Wait,” Fleetfoot said. “How do you know the prices of the different packages at the House of Virtue by memory?” There was a pause. “I’ve decided to let you all off with a warning.”
