9: Miss Cheerilee's Home for Peculiar Children

Gribble's Log
Location: Ponyville Schoolhouse
Post-abduction Date: Day 7
Earth Date: Unknown

I have successfully gained the trust of the Horse People, and am working on infiltrating the upper echelons of their society. The rabbit hole goes even deeper than I thought.

The one called "Twilight" has enrolled me in the local school, which appears to be little more than an indoctrination center meant to instill ludicrous propaganda into the planet's youth. Children are taught to believe in a geocentric universe, in which the celestial bodies are moved at will by a pair of evil sisters who rule this planet with an iron fist and/or hoof. Twilight claims to be their disciple. If true, I was no doubt placed under her care so that she could study me firsthand. Firsthoof. Whatever.

The door at the front of the schoolhouse opened, and an adult-sized pony entered the room. This one was crimson-colored, and had a picture of smiling flowers tatooed on her hindquarters. I had noticed these markings before; they seemed to be part of some kind of complex tagging system that the horses used to identify each other. Many of the younger ponies didn't seem to have them. Sweetie Belle and her friends didn't have them. Maybe that meant that I could trust them.

The crimson horse walked to the front of the room, and the foals seated all around me began to quiet down. I quickly slipped my notebook back into my pocket.

I was squatting on a hard wooden bench about the height of a church kneeler, behind a tiny foal-sized desk. I had been placed in the back row so the other foals wouldn't have to crane their necks to see around me. The other foals kept whispering to each other and casting curious glances in my direction. Sweetie Belle and her two friends were here as well, although she hadn't said a word to me since I'd entered the room. I tried to get her attention, but she seemed to be deliberately ignoring me.

I rolled a piece of asparagus between my teeth, and took a long, thoughtful puff.

At least they don't mind me smoking in here.

The big crimson pony cleared her throat, and the foals became silent.

"Class," she began, "We have a special visitor who is going to be joining us for a few days. This is... er... I'm sorry, what did you say your name was?"

Everyone turned and looked at me. I ground out my asparagus on the surface of my desk, and stood up.

"Citizens of the Horse Planet," I said. "Do not be alarmed. My name is Rusty Shackleford. I am but a humble traveler, and I mean you no harm."

The foals looked confused. One or two of them giggled. The crimson-colored pony at the front of the room was avoiding my eyes.

"Er... yes," she stammered. "Class, let's all give a warm Ponyville welcome to... Rusty Shackleford."

"Hi, Rusty Shackleford," the foals said in unison.

A filly in the front row raised her hoof.

"Um, Miss Cheerilee? Why is Rusty Shackleford here?"

Miss Cheerilee looked at me helplessly and shrugged.

"Um, well, perhaps Rusty Shackleford would like to answer that question himself?"

"I am a humble traveler from a distant world. I have come to study the people of the mighty horse planet, and learn their ways."

Try answer only seemed to confuse her further. Another foal raised her hoof.

"Where are you from?"

"I come from a place called... uh..."

It occurred to me that I was probably being observed and recorded. I had seen "Twilight Sparkle" occasionally using her dragon-slave Spike to transcribe reports on "friendship," which she would then transmit to this mysterious "Princess Celestia" using some kind of fire-based transmission system. I had no doubt my name was in these reports. For all I knew, this "Celestia" was making plans to invade Arlen even as I sat in that schoolroom.

Maybe I should make something up to throw them off the scent.

"Uh... I come from a place called... Oklahoma. My people are called... uh... Sooners."

I grimaced as soon as the words were out of my mouth.

It's a good thing Hank isn't here. If he heard me call myself a Sooner I'd never live it down.

Still, though, it had to be done. If the ponies were looking for a place to invade, better it be someplace far-off and uninhabited.

A third foal raised a hoof.

"Oklahoma? Where's that? Is it near Cloudsdale?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's somewhere in that general area."

Several more hooves went up, and the class began to chatter. The pony called Cheerilee cleared her throat and stomped her hoof lightly for attention.

"Alright class, settle down. I'm sure we all have lots of questions for Rusty Shackleford, but we need to get started on today's lesson—"

"Can I ask a question?"

Another foal had her hoof in the air, a light pink filly with a purple and white striped mane. Miss Cheerilee sighed.

"Yes, Diamond Tiara?"

"My father's been all over Equestria, and he's never told me about any place called Oklahoma. Did you just make that up to get attention?"

A little grey filly next to her snickered. Cheerilee stamped her hoof angrily.

"Diamond Tiara, that was a very rude question! Of course he didn't make it up. Did you, Rusty Shackleford?"

I shook my head.

"No ma'am, I can assure you that Oklahoma is all too real."

Several of the foals laughed. Diamond Tiara scowled.

"How come you're so weird looking?" she demanded.

"Diamond Tiara!"

Miss Cheerilee looked exasperated. The little pink filly completely ignored her. She got up, trotted over to my desk, and made a small circle around it.

"You don't look like a pony," she said, looking me up and down. "What are you?"

My eyes narrowed. There was something off about this one. She was wearing some sort of strange metal device on her head. It looked like a tiara, and her name was Diamond Tiara, and she had one of those butt-pictures that was shaped like a tiara. I was beginning to sense a theme. However, I wasn't fooled for a second. That thing on her head was an alien transmitter, I would have staked my reputation as a paranormal investigator on it.

From the way she was acting this filly clearly saw herself as an alpha-dog, and she didn't seem to fear the authority of "Miss Cheerilee." Most likely, she was an enforcer sent by "Princess Celestia" to keep an eye on the rest of the class. More than likely everything I said was being recorded and transmitted back to some central command center in the horse capital.

"So? How come you're so weird looking?" she repeated. Her underling, the little gray filly with the glasses who sat next to her, snickered again, and the teacher glared.

Diamond Tiara had an impish smile on her face, and she was obviously trying to get my goat. But I wasn't going to fall for any equine head games. I pulled an asparagus stalk out of my pack, singed the tip with my lighter and took a puff.

"My friend Bill's even weirder looking than I am," I replied, exhaling.

The whole class laughed. Diamond Tiara's scowl deepened. She opened her mouth to say something else, but before she could get the words out Miss Cheerilee stomped her hoof again.

"That's enough!" she barked. The entire class quieted down. "Diamond Tiara, please return to your seat."

She shot me a nasty look, but did as her teacher asked. I smiled inwardly. If this was the best agent this "Celestia" had to send, I was going to bust this conspiracy wide open in no time.

"Alright, class," Cheerilee continued. "That's enough questions for Rusty Shackleford. Now it's time to get back to our lesson. Yesterday, we were talking about..."

The horse went off into a lecture. I tried to listen, but most of it sounded like nonsense. Apparently, they all believed that flying horses could command the weather, and destiny was controlled by something called "cutie marks." For a race of super-intelligent horses, they sure didn't seem all that bright.

What a pack of crazy conspiracy nuts, I thought.