8: Stranger in a Strange Land

Gribble's Log
Location: Ponyville, Equestria. Galaxy unknown.
Five Days Post Abduction

I have successfully infiltrated the aliens' society and am working on gaining their trust. The one called Twilight Sparkle, who I mistook for their queen, has taken me in and allowed me to stay with her for the time being. She lives in a giant tree, which seems like a strange place for a horse to live, but there is much about these creatures that I do not understand.

The more time I spend on this strange planet, which the locals call "Equestria," the more questions I have. Why and how was I brought here? What's become of my beloved Arlen, and my family back on Earth? What's been going on in the alley since I've been gone? Alas, though these strange pastel-colored aliens are unusually friendly and helpful for a race of hostile alien invaders, they are unable or unwilling to provide me with the answers I seek.

I remain a stranger in a strange land, and have no choice but to watch. And wait.

"Manitoba."

The pony just stared at me, a confused look on her face.

"Manitoba cigarettes."

"I'm really sorry sir, but I have no idea what that is."

I stared at the goods she had on display at her little stand. All sorts of farm-fresh produce could be had for a pittance, but there was no sweet life-sustaining tobacco anywhere to be found.

Oh well, it was worth a try.

"How much for that asparagus?"

She looked at where I was pointing.

"Two bits, sir."

I continued to stare at the asparagus. The pony behind the counter began to fidget uncomfortably.

"Um, if you don't want anything, could you please move? There's a whole line of ponies behind you."

I glanced over my shoulder. One of the mares gave me an icy look and tapped her hoof impatiently.

"Alright," I said. "Gimme some asparagus."

I placed two bits down on the counter, and a moment later I was leaving the shop, carrying a few stalks in my hand.

There was an empty Manitoba soft-pack in the breast pocket of my shirt. I'd found it later that first night, at the very bottom of one of my pockets, buried under a lot of sand. I had long since sucked out the last of the tobacco dust, but I couldn't bring myself to throw the pack away.

Oh, my sweet lady Manitoba. I will hold you again someday, I swear it.

As I walked, I began to break the asparagus stalks into even-sized pieces about the size of a finger. Ponies glanced at me as I passed by. A few of them whispered to each other.

One by one, I slipped the asparagus stalks into the empty cigarette pack. I put the last one in my mouth. Then I pulled my Oswald Zippo out of my pocket, and held the flame to the tip of the asparagus stalk, singing it slightly. I inhaled. Several ponies were staring openly at me now. I stared back, and they turned and trotted quickly away.

My Dale's Dead Bug jumpsuit had been torn to shreds during my escape from the woods, so I was back to my usual work shirt and jeans. My journal had thankfully survived. I pulled it out of my shirt pocket and made a few quick notes, puffing idly on my asparagus stalk as I wrote:

In the 1950s, under a top-secret project known as MKUltra, the CIA was known to have experimented with mind control techniques and psychoactive drugs. These experiments permanently altered the perceptions and behavior of their unwitting test subjects. I can only assume that the ponies of Equestria have a similar program, and that I am their guinea pig.

Twilight Sparkle, a codename if ever I've heard one, has used her telekinetic mind powers to cast what she calls a "spell" on me. As unsettling as I find her abilities, I must admit that she's found a good workaround for my problem. She has somehow tricked my brain into believing that asparagus stalks are cigarettes. The illusion is so perfect that, so long as I have a supply of asparagus handy, I need no longer suffer the effects of nicotine withdrawal.

She also claims that asparagus will prove to be a healthier vice than cigarettes, though I have dismissed this as propaganda from the Equestrian vegetable-industrial complex.

I looked up, and noticed that a young foal was staring curiously at me.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

I took the asparagus-cig out of my mouth and exhaled a puff of imaginary smoke.

"What are you doing?"

Her mother gave me a sour look, and quickly whisked the foal away.

I continued making my way through the streets of Ponyville. The place looked like some kind of medieval village, complete with straw-thatched roofs and unpaved streets. The layout was confusing, but I was slowly learning my way around.

Soon I was back at the treehouse. It looked like the kind of place the Keebler Elves would live in. The door was made for a pony, so I had to stoop to get in, but once inside it was surprisingly roomy.

"Oh, hi Mr. Rusty."

Twilight's dragon friend Spike was sitting on a couch in the main room of the library. I still hadn't quite figured out what the deal with him was. She called him a friend, but to me it seemed like he was something between a pet and a slave.

"What did you buy at the market?"

"Asparagus. Want some?"

Spike made a face.

"Yecch, no thanks. I'll stick with gems."

He took another ruby out of the bowl he was holding, and tossed it into his mouth. He downed a few more in quick succession.

"Want one?"

"I'll try one."

I put the gem he handed me into my mouth. It was hard, and pointy, and I couldn't really chew it. It tasted pretty awful, too. I wasn't quite sure how or why he managed to eat these things. I took it out of my mouth and slipped it into my pocket.

"I'll eat it later."

Spike shrugged.

"Suit yourself," he said, and then wandered off towards the kitchen, popping rubies into his mouth as he went.

Weird guy.

I heard the sound of hoofsteps on the stairs.

"Oh, good, Mr. Rusty. You're home."

Twilight Sparkle was coming down the staircase, levitating some books with her creepy alien powers.

"I found some more books for you," she continued. "There's an introductory volume on the History of Equestria that I think you'll like. I also found my old civics text from when I was a school filly. You wanted to know more about Equestrian law and that should give you the broad strokes."

Warily, I stuck my hands into the glowing pink aura surrounding her horn, and took the stack of books. I could feel a tingle of energy, like a mild electric current, running through my body.

"Thanks."

Several awkward seconds of silence passed.

"Oh! I remember what else I was going to tell you," said Twilight. "I talked to Cheerilee at the school, and she says it would be fine for you to join her class for a little while. I think it would be a good way for you to learn about life in Equestria, and maybe even make a few friends."

Why does this alien horse want me to make friends so badly?

She'd brought up the subject several times before, and I was naturally wary. At the same time, attending their school could give me some useful insight into their civilization.

"School, huh?" I put the asparagus stalk back in my mouth and took a long, thoughtful puff. "Alright. Tell her I'll be there."