Author's Note

Written by RB!

Thesis: Hawk Tuah!

Smoulder, Vain and Glorious
Professor Twilight
Equestrian History
10 February 1007

Hawk Tuah: Where Did It Come From?

You can't say 'dirt ponies', Smoulder, it's offensive. Also, there is no town named 'Mudsdale' in Equestria.

What scholars? You need to cite your sources, Smoulder, we talked about this in class.
Also, what is a Huck, and what is a Too?

Hawk Tuah: one of the greatest mysteries of our time. Everycreature's heard of it, from the lowly dirt ponies of Mudsdale to the stuck-up ~~nobls~~nobles in Canterlot. But what exactly is it?

Some scholars say that the phrase comes from ancient Roam. In those days, it was common for pony warriors to do battle with fierce beasts of all kinds in the Coltoseum. One of the most ~~fearsom~~fearsome beasts at Emperor Caesar Salad's command was the mighty Hucktoo, a great creature that was said to be part Huck, part Too. It was incredibly dangerous, slaughtering hundreds if not thousands of ponies, and sending even more running away with their tails between their legs and pee in their togas.

Well, one day, a noble dragon named Ah, imprisoned wrongfully for daring to eat one or two ponies who had attacked his cave (and were probably trying to rob him) (not his fault ponies are so weak) was brought before Emperor Caesar Salad in chains, and was sentenced to death. But Ah was clever, and boldly challenged the mean old emperor for his life. So Ceaser Salad, grinning, told Ah that he would be set free—if he could defeat the ~~dredful~~dreadful Hawktoo in battle!

Sandbar? Smoulder...

Ah agreed, and soon he was brought to the Coltoseum. Their battle was great and fierce, but eventually Ah struck the finishing blow with his claws! And from that day, all in Roam knew that Ah was the strongest warrior in the land, and that dragons are way cooler than all ponies except maybe Sandbar.

Source?

And so, Ah's name went down in history as the one who beat the Hawktoo. But Ah was kind of a generic name, so they started calling him "Hawktoo-Slayer Ah", which eventually got shortened to "Hawktoo-Ah", and over time that may have turned into the Hawk Tuah we all know and love today.

But this is not the only theory that has been proposed. For you see, back in the days when pirates sailed the seas, there was one pirate who was feared above all others, and she was known as Landsea the Fierce.

Landsea? Wait, haven't I heard that name recently?

Landsea the Fierce was the greatest pirate of all time. She stole thousands of gold doubloons, tons of jewels, you name it, it was in the hold of her ship, the Hawk.

Well, one day, while following a treasure map to a deserted island (y'know, pirate stuff), Landsea ran into a ~~plantation~~platoon? of Equestrian Navy ships! She knew this would be a difficult battle, but she was never able to back down from a fight. And so she and her brave crew sailed into battle! There was canonfire, swordfighting, gunfighting, all kinds of fighting! But in the end the cowardly Navy sailors scuttled the Hawk!

But Landsea never gave up. She and what was left of her crew boarded one of the Navy ships, threw everyone overboard, and from there they were able to finish off all the remaining navy ships by taking them by surprise! Those lame sailor ponies never knew what hit 'em!

Oh wait now I remember! Landsea was the name of the protagonist of that pirate movie that came out recently. I think that was a work of fiction, Smoulder.

Well, Landsea sailed that navy ship off into the horizon, death in its wake, and when they made it to the closest pirate dock they renamed it the Hawk Two! And from then on, all who heard the name trembled in fear! They would see the Jolly Roger on its mast, and they would scream, "Look out-a! It's the Hawk Two-a!"

There are many more theories about where the famed Hawk Tuah comes from, too many to fit into this paper, but we'll touch on one more: the legendary musician Hock Tuba!

Finally, an actual date.

Carrot cake still needs flour, Smoulder. Ask Pinkie to teach you the recipie.

Hock Tuba, born in 763, grew up very poor. His family were bakers, but the nearby farms had started growing carrots instead of wheat, as it was more profitable, and so the only thing they could make was carrot cake, and soon everyone in their village was tired of eating nothing but carrot cake, so nobody was buying their goods!

Enter Hock Tuba. He'd recently won a contest put on by the local paper, and he shocked everyone by using that money to buy a tuba of his own! And they were even more shocked when they heard him play it! He had everyone in the village dancing in the street!

His performances quickly became the talk of the town, and he made more than enough bits to support his family. But his aspirations were higher! So one day, he took a trip to Canterlot with his tuba. It wasn't easy—he had to play for strangers, and that made him kinda uncomfortable. But he had a dream: He was going to play for Princess Luna!

Wait, Princess Luna? In 763? Luna was still in the Moon then...

Hock had fallen in love, you see. He'd seen Princess Luna's picture in the paper, once, and he was completely smitten by her otherworldly visage. But he was just a lowly musician! How would he ever get an audience with the Princess?

We don't know who invented chess, but historians mostly think it was invented by the elephants, not by ponies... Smoulder, you're just making all of this up, aren't you?

Well, he made it to Canterlot, and began working his way up. At first, he played on the street, but then some stuffy noble heard him and was entranced by his music. That noble was Black Rook, and he would go on to invent chess, the most boring game ever made. But he was also a patron of the arts, and he took Hock Tuba under his wing. Er... horn? You get the idea.

Well, Hock was playing for the upper class, now, doing all kinds of crazy gigs. Eventually, he wound up playing the Grand Galloping Gala, and it was there that he met... her.

WHAT

Princess Luna was at once transfixed by his music. After he left the stage, she approached him. They began talking. One thing led to another, and soon they fell in love.

Then how do you know about it?

But this had to be kept a secret; one of the common ponies, falling in love with a princess? It would not do! It would not be proper! And so they met in secret, many times, and that secret has been kept to this day.

But there were whispers of it, in Canterlot. Hock Tuba and Luna. Hock Tu-Luna.

Hock Tu-a.

In conclusion, Hawk Tuah remains a hotly ~~dispooted~~disputed subject amongst historians. We may never truly know where this great phrase comes from. But one thing's for sure: we'll all be saying it for decades to come.

I know I will.

Smoulder, you can't just make things up for your essays. This is the third time. You need to cite sources, do research! Broaden your horizons a little. You're smart, I know you can do it.

Also, very funny, but I do know what "Hawk Tuah" is. I'm not THAT old. Fluttershy told me all about it. I’m more curious as to why you know about it.

1/10, try harder next time.

Way far away in Canterlot, Luna looked down at the picture of her old lover she kept on her bedside and smiled.

“Oh how I miss you… Hock.”