Author's Note

Written by PI and Maj!

The Life and Death of Hawk Threeah

Sunset had a pit in her stomach as she rode over to Twilight’s place. She parked her awesome motorcycle, walked up to the garage door, and knocked on it.

Nothing.

She growled and knocked a lot harder, which was met by Twilight’s grinning face as she opened the garage, hair all fucked up and coated with… something?

Sunset cleared her throat. “What are you coated in?”

“Does it matter?” Twilight said as she yanked Sunset into the garage and slammed the door shut. Sunset barely registered that the entire garage was coated with something weird before feeling that said weird splatter all over her.

“It does,” Sunset said as she raised her arm to take stock of the situation, “now that I’m coated in it.”

“Oh, well, scientifically, it's an environmentally safe lubricant. In layman's terms, it's an environmentally safe lubricant.”

Sunset narrowed her gaze, wiping her face with her arms in an attempt to stop the burning in her eyes. Of course, since they were also layered in Twilight’s environmentally safe lubricant, it only made it worse.

Some of it got in her mouth. “Why is your lab coated in environmentally safe lubricant?” It tasted like jizz.

“To keep it safe during my experiments. I’m a scientist, but that doesn’t mean I can’t also be an environmentalist.”

Sunset tried really, really hard not to audibly sigh; she couldn’t afford to put another dollar in the sigh jar.

“Yeah, ok. Why not?”

Sunset grabbed the nearest thing that was relatively dry, following Twilight to whatever contraption she made in God's blindside this time.

What she saw made her shudder. It was more horror than machine, the metals bending in ways metal should not bend. It twisted and turned upon an orifice which was slightly dripping with what she had to assume was environmentally safe lubricant.

She decided not to ask about the metal. She was better off for that.

“What’s with the metal?” Sunset asked directly, her curiosity contradicting her better nature.

Twilight chortled as she put a hand on the machine, causing Sunset to flinch. “It’s amazing what you can do with a forge and psychokinesis, isn’t it?”

Sunset relaxed, whereupon she heard a switch flip and got battered by another round of environmentally safe fake jizz.

Sunset sputtered a bit. “Why does it taste like jizz?”

“Capital question, my dear Sunset!” Twilight took her hand off of the machine and pulled out a whiteboard. “You see, I slipped on some semen the other night and it came to me in a flash that seminal proteins are excellent lubricants!”

On the whiteboard was a picture of Twilight slipping, a light bulb, and various sperm attacking an egg in a very suggestive manner.

“Why we—you know what, I don’t want to know.” She tried to live with the knowledge that she was covered in Twilight’s environmentally safe artificial semen, walking up to the product of the industrialization era and placing a hand on it; it was surprisingly warm. “So, I’m almost too afraid to ask, but why did you make a robot gundam…thing? Did you watch Neon Genesis Evangelion recently?”

“Well, I did, but that’s totally unrelated.” Twilight disappeared behind the behemoth of metal and fake jizz, the sound of some sort of panel opening followed. “Sunset, are you familiar with Hawk Tuah?”

“Uh, yeah?” Sunset raised an eyebrow, scratching her head at the sudden topic change. “Anyone with a phone knows about it.”

“Well, Shining started to listen to Talk Tuah and his room is beside mine, so I was forcefully struck with inspiration like Newton and his apple. Though, instead of reading under a tree, I was reading in a bed listening to my brother watch a podcast about a girl who made a blowjob joke.” Twilight poked out from the robot, her pupils darting between Sunset and something on her desk. “Hey, can you hand me my vape? It’s the pink and blue box beside the ham radio.”

“Oh, sure.” Sunset grabbed the box, briefly reading the label on the back. “‘Property of Pinkie Pie’? Twi, have you been stealing Pinkie’s vapes?”

“No, she’s been selling them to me from her flavor collection. She’s told me she’s kicking the habit and going back to snorting raw candy or something. Anyway,” the panel closed, and Twilight came back around, forcefully swiped the vape from Sunset’s hands and took an exaggerated hit. “This is the Hawk-Threeuh, my own personal investment in sex paraphernalia. It’s made entirely for the purpose of fellatio; which was the secondary reason I needed environment safe lubricant.”

“Hawk-Threeuh?” Sunset glanced over the machine again, expecting some kind of inscription of its name somewhere on the chassis. “Why didn’t you name it Hawk Tuah like the meme?”

“Because she patented it.”

“She patented hawk tuah?”

“Sunset, she made a podcast.” Twilight reached into her coat pocket, fiddling with what looked like to be a heavily modified Roku remote. “Of course, she patented hawk tuah. Alright, here we go.”

The machine whooped and whirred, its parts moving artificially arthritically as if programmed to invoke as much wonder as possible. Green points glowed in its soulless black eyes. Twilight giggled and clapped.

“Spit on that thang!” Twilight chirped as she pointed at a thing.

“Hawk… threeuh,” it rumbled as environmentally safe lubricant launched out of its orifice and coated that thing. It achingly turned towards Twilight. “What is my purpose?”

Twilight scratched her scalp through her hair. “To uh, spit on that thang.”

The robot looked away in an eerily natural manner, “Are you fucking kidding me.”

“And that’s when it decided to go on a citywide rampage.” Twilight calmly took a hit from her vape.

Rainbow held up a palm to Twilight. “High five.”

Nervously, Twilight slapped the palm, which led to Rainbow fist pumping. “Nice.”

“Don’t encourage this, Rainbow Dash!” Sunset ejaculated. “Anyway, don’t you have the remote, Twilight? Can’t you turn it off?

“I. uh, have to be in TV range and now that it’s katamari-ing parts of the city to itself, I don’t know if I can safely get in range of the IR scanner.” Twilight paced around. “And I can’t just jack up the power or some dumb stuff like that because it only reacts to very specific wavelengths of light. If I turn up the power it’ll just be a flashlight.”

“Like, a super bright flashlight?”

“Um,” Twilight adjusted a dial on the side of the remote, which caused a beam of bluish light to come out of the front. “Yeah, I guess?”

“Ok, well, what if we, like, uhm, you’ve seen Looney Tunes, right Twi?”

“Of course I have, how uncultured do you think I am?”

“Alright, hear me out.” Rainbow reached into her pocket, peeling a banana and holding onto the skin. “What if we put a giant pile of banana peels in front of the robot, and it slips and falls on its giant, shiny metal ass?”

“Won’t work.” Twilight said with the confidence of a third grade teacher answering a question about volcanos. “I programmed it to have proper falling.”

“Shit, uhm.” Rainbow finished her banana, throwing the peel to the side; somehow landing perfectly in a trashcan. “I don’t know I’m out of ideas.”

“Well, what about Applejack? What if she wrestled it into submission or something?”

“You…” Twilight trailed off, dropping the remote as it conveniently fell in her lab coat pocket. “You want Applejack to fight my highly advanced robot made out of steel and various other metals I can’t pronounce?”

“Yeah! Like rock’em sock’em robots, but it's not Applejack’s head that goes ‘Pop’ you know?”

“For once, I, in fact, do not know.”

“I actually think it might be our best best, Twilight.” Sunset stepped forward, already retrieving her phone and typing in Applejack’s number. “If her strength has a limit, we haven’t found it yet. It’s this, or we wait until it destroys the farmer’s market and she kicks our asses along with it.”

“Well, I suppose it’ll give me time to think of an alternative.” Twilight peered at Sunset’s phone, which had a picture of Applejack coming up after bobbing for apples and the name ‘Little Big Apple’. “Call her.”

“So, what’re we looking at?” Applejack cracked her knuckles.

Sunset sighed. “We are looking at… a blowjob robot that is wreaking havoc on the city.”

“The Hawk-Threeuh!”

“Yes, Twilight, the Hawk-Threeuh.”

“Are you hitting on me, Sunset?”

“No, Applejack, I’m telling you—”

At that moment a huge blob of environmentally safe lubricant coated all three girls.

Sunset sighed again. “What we’re up against.”

“Oh lordy this doesn’t seem good.” Applejack cracked her neck like in the Japanese anime cartoons. “I’ll set this robot right.”

Applejack marched into town, full of resolve.

Applejack slid back towards the girls, coated in environmentally safe lubricant.

“It’s too slippery.”

Sunset sighed again. “Well, go back in there.”

Applejack tried to stand up, but slipped again. “Too slippery.”

“Well, okay then,” Sunset said as she buried her face into her palm. “What now?”

“I think Rainbow Dash said ‘Why don’t you sic fucking dinosaurs on them?’, if I recall correctly?”

“Fine,” Sunset said with a wave of her hand. “Send in the dinosaurs.”

“What are the dinosaurs doing?!” Sunset asked, eyes agape.

Twilight had an eerie grin on her face. “They’re fucking.”

“Why?!”

“Did your parents never have ‘the talk’ with you?” Rainbow had a devious undertone to her voice as she turned to Sunset. “When a mommy and a daddy dinosaur can’t cope with being alive and need a moment to not exist, the daddy mounts the mommy an—”

“I know what sex is, Rainbow.” She raised her hand to Rainbow’s forehead, flicking it with her fingers. Rainbow reacted to it like an anime girl. “I’m asking how dinosaurs having sex helps us defeat the Hawk Threeuh?”

“Oh, it doesn’t. Rainbow asked for fucking dinosaurs, and so I provided.”

Sunset pinched the bridge of her nose, sucking cold air through her teeth.

“Do you get off on this? Is this how you get your sexual thrill?”

“I don’t know.” Twilight shrugged. “Probably.”

Just off-screen, there was the sound of a building collapsing like Russia in 1917.

“Ok, ok, real solutions now people!” Sunset clapped her hands together. “Let’s break this down into its basics. Like, what if we treat this like pokemon? Hawk Threeuh is a spitting type, so what’s the opposite of spitting?”

“Swallowing, darling.”

There was a pregnant pause, giving birth only to tension and awkward looks.

Rarity smiled, pleased with herself.

“Not swallowing,” Twilight was the one to break it, stroking a beard she didn’t have. “Sucking, specifically suction. If all the lubricant is removed from Hawk-Threeuh, it’ll have nothing to spit on that thang with. There’s only one man for the job!”

Twilight retrieved her Nokia cellphone, typing in the number of their savior.

It barely rang a second.

“Hey. Yeah I’m doing alright. Listen, I need a favor; I need you to come down here and fight a robot I made.” There was brief shouting from the phone, loud enough that Twilight had to move it a few inches away from her ear. She turned with her back facing the others, whispering something into it. “You owe me. No, fuck you! Yes, because of the thing with the tower. Yeah, we’ll be good. Alright, see you then. Fuck you later.”

“Must spit, on that, thang!”

Twilight’s artificial frankenstein began charging up, hawking the most powerful loogie known to man. Before it could cover that tower in environmentally safe lubricant, which, in this case, was not environmentally safe at all, something was slapped right in the center of its orifice.

And it sounded like…mac and cheese.

“Hey, hey fuck you you aren’t spitting on this thang!”

A man hung off the tower, attached to the side via suction cups. He was wearing some kind of safety helmet, hair coming down from both sides like a curtain. The only facial hair to speak of were little lines of hair on his chin that looked like they were drawn on by a sharpie.

Hawk Three reached to its orifice, trying to pull off the device that was denying its purpose. No matter how much it tugged, the suction only got worse; never relieving an inch.

“You Dare?”

“Fuck yeah I dare! This is my tower! If you cover it in environmentally safe lubricant, I won’t be able to climb it anymore and piss off the guy who owns it!”

“Your purpose is to climb this tower?”

“No, dumbass! Did Twilight not build you with ears? My purpose is to piss off the guy who owns the tower! And climb things with my suction cups!”

Hawk-Threeuh walked forward until they were inches away from the building, moving forward and grappling the building with its strangely muscular, metallic arms.

“Were I to wish it, I could demolish this building in a single suplex.”

“Yeah? Well, then how would you spit on it? Dickhead.”

Hawk-Threeuh considered his words, letting go of the building as hundreds of shards of broken glass fell like the worlds most fucked up rainstorm.

“It seems we’re at an impasse.”

“It would seem so.”

Silence between the two, broken by the occasional screaming of people below when glass stabbed into them at weird angles.

“Fight to the death?”

“Fight to the death.”

Suction cup man leaped off the building, a dildo erected from his forehead like a flag as he fought for his right to suction.

“They’ll write songs about this!”

Sunset and friends watched the mighty battle from a distance, Suction Cup man doing something valiant for a change as he clashed with the formidable Hawk-Threeuh.

He wasn’t defeating the automaton, but the environmentally safe lubricant wasn’t making it past Suction Cup Man.

She looked around. “Call it a wash?”

“I wanna watch the fight,” Rainbow Dash said.

Twilight’s phone went off. She answered it.

“Yeah? Uh huh? Really? I’ll be there!”

Sunset grimaced as she faced Twilight. “What was that?”

“Hawk Tuah girl invited me onto Talk Tuah!” Twilight chirped as she hung up her phone. “I get to stick it in my brother’s face!”

Rainbow Dash held up a hand, which Twilight high-fived.

Sunset rubbed her forehead. “Ok, you guys can watch the fight. I’m going to do something that specifically isn’t watching the fight.

Suction Cup Man and Hawk-Threeuh kept fighting, some say to this day. As long as you ignore the eventual military response and subsequent trial of Twilight Sparkle, where she avoided charges by providing the military with environmentally safe loogie robots.

It will live on in Rainbow Dash’s heart forever, though, as she high-fived herself.