Author's Note

Written by Runic!

Pipp, What Is A 'Hawk Tuah'?

Pipp, What Is a “Hawk Tuah?”

“Ponies, we have a problem!”

Pipp’s panicked voice rings out through the Brighthouse’s foyer as she throws the grand set of double doors open. From the kitchen, Zipp and Sunny look up from a black pile of tar that was likely intended at some point to be food.

“Woah!”

Zipp ducks behind the counter as Pipp throws herself onto one of the bar stools next to her sister, her eyes wide and unfocused.

“P-Pipp, what’s wrong?” Sunny’s ears cling to the sides of her head as she shoves the black-stained, death-smelling pan to the side and gives her short compatriot her undivided attention. “Another mane-mergency?”

“No, Sunny. This is much, MUCH worse!”

“Out with it,” Zipp groans as she sits back up. “Is it a social media problem, a friendship problem, or a Mom problem?”

“All of the above!”

“Oh. Yeah, that’s bad.”

Pipp shuffles in her seat before placing her front hooves on the counter and taking a deep breath. It does little to actually calm her down, but she is at least able to sit still because of it.

“So, remember how I was interviewed by Ruby Jubilee’s PR division? The Clip Trot ones?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, do you remember that joke I made when they asked me what the secret behind my hooficures’ shiny finish is?”

“If I recall, you said that you have to, and I quote, ‘Give 'em that hawk tuah and spit on that thang!’” Zipp replicates the spitting motion that Pipp herself acted out in the now-viral video, her eyes half-lidded in a mixture of disapproval and mild concern.

“Yeah, that! See, I thought it was just some harmless joke. I even said as much immediately after the fact!”

“Oh, Pipp!” Sunny’s voice is filled with both warmth and worry. “Please don’t tell me you accidentally started a trend of ponies spitting on their hooves!”

“Thankfully, no. The Pippsqueaks are smarter than that.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“Trolls, Zipp! Trolls!”

“When have trolls ever bothered you?”

“Ugh, never. Not until now. They’re editing the video to make it seem like I’m doing something… obscene.”

“What?! Pipp, that’s horrible!” Sunny glances between the sisters, though there’s an obvious disconnect between her level of understanding and theirs. “Wait… don’t they do that all the time?”

Pipp hesitates for a moment, using the opportunity to take a deep breath before continuing.

“Yes, Sunny, they do. And if this were like any other instance of my face being pasted onto some less-than-appropriate images, or my voice being run through an AI voice replicator to say something obscene or something, I wouldn’t really have a problem with it.”

“You wouldn’t?”

“Well, I mean, it’s gross, sure, but I’m used to THAT! The problem is that these ‘hawk tuah’ edits have gone viral! Even more than the original video has!”

“...Well,” Zipp starts as the tension in her shoulders visibly melts away. “Is that all? That’s pretty embarrassing, but I don’t know what you want us to do about it.”

“Zipp, you don’t understand. The internet doesn’t realize that the original context exists at all!”

“But surely everyone knows that you’d never do something like that, right?” Sunny asks, unable to mask the doubt in her voice.

“You tell me!” Pipp weeps as she turns her phone around for her friends to see.

There, in big, bold letters, are three text messages from a contact labeled “Mom 👑.”

“Pipp, what is a ‘Hawk Tuah?’”

“Pipp, what are these videos of you I’m seeing on Clip Trot?”

“I’m coming down there, young lady!”

“Oh.”

“Oh, that’s bad.”

“You think?!” Pipp slams her face on the desk in front of her, causing her voice to be muffled. “She’s totally gonna kill me.”

“W-well… she’s your mother, right? Surely she understands that those videos are unlike you. All you have to do is explain yourself, and–”

“You don’t get it, Sunny!” Pipp picks her head up just enough for Sunny and Zipp to get a full view of the tears running freely down her cheeks, bringing her mascara along with them. “Even if I didn’t actually say it, I fostered an environment where it could go viral to begin with! My reputation is in ruins! RUINS, I tell you!”

“That seems… I-I don’t mean to sound rude, but kind of ridiculous.”

“It is ridiculous,” Zipp sighs. “But, that’s Mom for you. It was one of the conditions she gave Pipp before giving her permission to do her whole ‘Influencer Princess’ thing.”

“W-well, maybe we can salvage this! How long do we have until she gets here?”

“She sent that text this morning, and I didn’t see it until I got off work a few minutes ago. If I had to guess, I’d probably say–!” Pipp is cut off by the doors to the Brighthouse once again being thrown open. The orange-and-yellow light of a setting afternoon sun pours into the room, broken only by the darkened outline of Queen Haven. She wears a completely flat expression, her eyes unreadable behind her thick, jet-black sunglasses. “Right now.”

“Pipp?”

One word. One word is all it takes for the entire room to fall silent. Nopony makes a sound. Nobody takes a breath. The birds that had been excitedly chirping outside suddenly cease their singing. Anything that might have been able to bring relief to the palpable tension in the air disappears with Queen Haven’s single utterance of her daughter’s name.

It isn’t until the doors sourcelessly slam shut behind her mother that Pipp finds the courage to squeak out a response.

“Y-yes, Mom?”

“Would you come over here for a moment? There’s something I’d like to ask you.” She lowers her sunglasses and peers at Zipp and Sunny, her icy blue eyes shooting daggers into their very souls. “In private.”

After a moment’s hesitation, Pipp swallows hard.

“Coming.”

With an awkward shuffle, Pipp sidles out of her seat and begins to trudge across the foyer. Each careful step echoes through the foyer like a cannon firing again and again. Sunny and Zipp, quickly realizing that there is little they can do to save their beloved friend, turn towards each other and busy themselves by beginning the process of disposing of their failed meal.

It feels like hours pass before Pipp finally reaches her mother. Upon doing so, Haven wraps a hoof around her neck, turns her away from her friends, and leans in extremely close such that her mouth is mere inches from Pipp’s ear.

“Pipp, dear. As your mother, I understand that this will likely be an… uncomfortable conversation.”

“You can say that again,” she mumbles.

“But nevertheless, given the way my relationship with Alphabittle has been progressing, I find it prudent to ask you all the same…”

“Here it comes,” she whispers beneath her breath.

“How does one properly ‘spit on that thang?’”

“I… huh?” Pipp freezes, her eyes immediately going wide as she looks at nothing in particular. “Wh-what did you say?”

“It sounds like quite the skill to have, and I’m afraid I’m not exactly… erm…” Haven clears her throat as a deep blush spreads across her cheeks. “I’m not a young mare anymore, but I wouldn’t exactly call myself ‘experienced’ with this sort of thing.”

“M-MOM?!” Pipp pushes herself away from the still-blushing Haven, her own cheeks having gone a similar shade of red. “That’s disgusting!”

“Oh, but you seemed so eager to share your expertise online! No doubt a result of all the time you’ve been spending with that Hitch fellow.”

“N-no, that’s not–! We’re not–! Argh! Get out!”

“But I just–!”

“I SAID GET OUT!”

In one quick, sweeping motion, Pipp takes to the air, wraps her front hooves around her mother, practically tosses her out the front doors, and slams them shut behind her. Her face still red as a beet, she turns back towards Sunny and Zipp, who look back at her with barely-withheld laughter.

With a loud groan, Pipp presses her back against the doors and slowly falls onto the cold tile below.

“I’m never using the internet again.”