Imperfect Strangers

The Old Ponish text began to blur together in the weary orange lamp light. Sunburst lifted his glasses to rub his eyes and give them a few more minutes of stamina. He immediately began to squander them staring into the flame and suddenly he was looking straight into the candle he'd lit on his wedding day. It was just moments before they kissed and the whole crowd cheered. There was so much promised for their future together in that single moment. It all felt like a distant dream now.

His reveries scattered as he became aware of the sound of soft breathing below him. He pulled back from his desk to look down at the floor where his son lay sleeping under a blanket with a couch pillow under his head. Sunburst smiled weakly. The kid hadn't fallen asleep in his own bed once since the news. Sunburst allowed him to stay by him while he worked or read as long as he promised to try to go to sleep.

The eight-year-old unicorn’s fur was a ghostlike pale blue, lighter than his mother's, closer to the color of her mane. His hair was curly and light tan. The fur beneath his eyes was still matted with tears but at least now he was at peace.

So this was how it was now… Just the two of them alone. That in itself wasn't strange; It had been this way for the past three weeks. They'd done it before when his mother went on tour. It was hard and lonely for a little bit but then she came back and they felt like a full family again. She'd have stories and photos and souvenirs for them. They had been eagerly awaiting that wonderful moment again but now it would never come. She was on the last leg of her trip and then one morning they woke up and were left staring into a cold emptiness.

When she left they never thought it could be the last time they ever spoke to her. She said this would be her last one, her grand finale but who really knew with Trixie? The mare was hard to tear away from the stage.

She was going to come home and settle back into being the full-time guidance counselor. They were going to have another foal together. Maybe it would be a filly. They'd stay and raise their family in Ponyville working at the School of Friendship and living the dream. All those plans and hopes had evaporated so quickly, their life dashed on the rocks. He'd never made plans for if such a thing to happened. How could he possibly conceive of it?

Sunburst stepped out of his chair and levitated Hat Trick softly into the air still in his blanket. He floated him down the hall to his own room and laid him gently on the bed. The colt stirred slightly, rolling over with a whimper but he stayed sleeping. His father fixed the blanket so that it covered all of him and then quietly left the room.

He went back to his study and snuffed out the candle. Then he crawled straight into his cold bed. Sunburst could force himself to keep working his job but he couldn't brush his teeth or comb his hair anymore. He shut his eyes and rolled over till his muzzle was resting on Trixie's pillow. He could still smell her there but it was becoming fainter by the day. He was overdue to wash the sheets but he wasn't ready yet. It was just one little piece of her but once he relinquished it it would be gone forever.

Sunburst inhaled slowly through his nose and exhaled a shuddering breath. Sleep at least was a pleasant reprieve from existence. - - -

Being alone was dangerous for Sunburst's psyche but he didn't like being around other ponies much either right now. Everyone wanted to console him but he still wasn't ready to talk about it yet. Some stubborn childlike part of him maintained that perhaps if he didn't talk about it it wouldn't be true anymore. If he didn't believe it, if he didn't acknowledge it maybe she would come back and this nightmare would be undone.

Sunburst's office at work was getting messier by the day. He never would have let empty food containers and unfilled papers pile up like this before. It seemed he could still perform large basic obligations in day-to-day life as long as someone was counting on him but everything at the periphery was eroding away quickly.

Abacus beads clacked as he hunched over the papers on his desk. The numbers fell out of his head as someone knocked at his door.

His pen stopped scratching. “Come in,” he called without looking up.

Applebloom poked her head reverently into her senior coworkers workspace, a bundle of papers and envelopes in her mouth. She came in and dropped them off on her side of his desk. “Got yer stuff from yer box.”

“Oh, thank you,” he nodded, looking up at her with tired eyes that still conveyed genuine appreciation.

A precursory glance at the top of his desk quickly revealed that whatever it was he was working on had nothing to do with historical research, grading or geography. “What's all that?”

Sunburst swept a hoof through his frazzled mane. “It's the history department budget.”

“They're makin’ you do that?” she gasped. “Right now?”

“No, I volunteered for it. It's fine. Someone has to do it.”

She looked around the room. “Where's Hat Trick?”

The colt had been all but living in his dad's office while he was out of school.

“He went back to school today.” Sunburst checked his watch. “Oh, I should go. He gets out soon and I can take this all home with me.”

Applebloom frowned. “Don’t take this the wrong way or anything but don't ya have enough goin’ on in yer life right now? What the hell are ya still doin’ here?”

Sunburst blinked at the young mare.

“Most ponies take bereavement leave when they lose someone close to ‘em, especially a spouse. But not only are ya still workin’, yer takin’ on more work than usual and ya seem to be really… worn out.”

He nodded. “I know… I am. All of that is true.”

“When Granny Smith passed, Ah took the full two weeks off even though Ah was just startin’ out here. Why don't ya just take a break and rest fer a while?”

“Because if I'm not working then I'm thinking about everything and I don't want to think about everything.” That was the simplest way he could put it without making it uncomfortable for either of them.

The wrinkles on her forehead deepened with concern and pity. “Ah see.”

Still, her question did raise another point. Hiding in his work was what he found comforting when facing the mental burden of his loss but what about Hat Trick? What was best for him. He was so young and this was such a traumatic time. He needed his remaining parent to be there for him. - - -

Like it or not, Hat Trick was back in his seat at school. His book was open while Miss Cheerilee spoke animatedly at the front of the room but her voice turned to mush in his ears. He looked vacantly down at his textbook but the words melted into a meaningless slurry that dripped off of the desk and into his lap. The whole world just seemed so far away now. He was always a good student but he was going to start falling behind if he couldn't get it together.

At each recess that day he sat motionless on the swing. He had a few muted interactions with his friends but ultimately he couldn't get out of his own head long enough to enjoy anything.

Everyone in his class still had both of their parents. That was all he could think about whenever he saw anyone. When he looked over the host of foals laughing and galloping around him. They didn't know. They couldn't possibly understand what was happening to him. It felt like he was living with a ball and chain around his ankle now. No matter what he did it was always there slowing him down.

When the teacher ended class for the day most students were quick to pack up and leave. A few were slower and chatty but Hat Trick was the most sluggish to get going. Miss Cheerilee approached him semi-privately just as he was putting on his saddlebag.

“It's nice to have you back in class, Hat,” she began. I have all your back work for you but also something else. I didn't want to put you on the spot today but the whole class made you sympathy cards.” she held up a nondescript bag for him. “You can read them at home whenever you're ready.”

“Thank you,” he replied, taking the bag with his magic. He peeked inside while his teacher slipped his schoolwork into the saddlebag on his back.

She put a hoof on his shoulder. “Everyone in your class is very sorry for your loss and we'll all miss your mother and her magic.”

“Yeah,” he breathed.

Hat trick left the schoolhouse to find his father waiting for him outside looking haggard and weary.

“Hey, buddy. Are you okay?” he called to him.

“No,” he grunted.

Sunburst turned to walk with him and took a deep breath. “Me either,” he admitted.

“Is grandma here yet?”

“No, Something happened and her train was delayed.”

Stellar Flare had been unreachable on a singles cruise until just recently. However she changed her plans as soon as she heard what had happened to Trixie.

“Miss Cheerilee gave me my back work and…” He tried to think of the word. “Sympathy cards.”

“Oh, from your classmates? That's really nice. I'd like to see those too… at some point.” He was doubtful he could emotionally handle looking at children's drawings of his wife this very moment. “Hey, want to go to Sugar Cube Corner?”

Hat’s expression remained unchanged by the suggestion. “I- I don't feel good,” he muttered absently.

“Are you sick?”

“I don't know…”

Sunburst deflated. “We can go some other day maybe.”

The two walked home together avoiding directly talking about what was really on their minds. The foals in Hats class drew him many pictures with simple messages. They were recounting magic shows they've seen his mother perform including when she came to their own class. Clearly Cheerilee had given them direction and cleared their ideas first. It was difficult for Hat not to cry while looking through them.

He sat on the couch for most of the afternoon trying to read for escapism. Although he read at an early high school level the words wouldn't penetrate his brain today. He found himself reading the same page over and over, absorbing nothing.

At the end of dinner he sat alone at the table lethargically slurping up the last of his noodles. They'd had this same meal now for five of the last six days. Even without the added weight of helping orchestrate a funeral, his emotionally drained father wouldn't find the mental capacity to handle anything else right now.

“We can go to the train station in about an hour to meet grandma. But in the meantime, need any help with your back work?” asked Sunburst as he cleared the ramen wrappers from the kitchen counter.

Hat Trick had been out of school for bereavement for a full week. Sunburst agreed that it was the right move because of the state he was in but he was also beginning to worry about all the work he was accumulating.

“I don't know,” mumbled the colt, swirling his broth. “I don't want to do that right now.”

“I know but can we at least take a look at it after you're done?”

Sunburst flipped up the lid of the trash can to throw the wrappers away and saw that the can was already stuffed full with what amounted to a pile of magic trick paraphernalia. There were books, playing cards. metal rings, a kerchief and even the box of illusions. He sifted through the top layer in dismay and found his son’s hat and cape underneath.

“Hat, did you throw away all your magic stuff?” gasped Sunburst.

“Yeah,” he breathed flatly without even looking at him.

“Why?”

“Because I don't want to do magic stuff anymore.”

Sunburst's heart sank. “Well… maybe that's how you feel right now but you shouldn't just throw it all away like that though; it would make your mother sad. I know it hurts at the moment but-”

Hat Trick leapt from his chair to the floor. “I don't like magic anymore," he snapped, fleeing the room.

Sunburst froze in disbelief for a moment before daring to look into the trash again. His heart began to race. The sight put a knot in his stomach like he was going to be sick. He couldn't just let him do this. He would regret it later, he told himself. They'd both feel differently about all of this in the future, he told himself. He began salvaging items out of the trash and putting them on the counter mixed with bits and pieces of actual trash. His chest was tight. The dam inside him was crumbling, everything was breaking. He'd lost control.

Sunburst had to stop when he realized how fast he was breathing. It felt like he was suffocating. He closed his eyes and laid his head on the cold tile counter as he tried to slow his lungs and stem the anxiety attack.

“We're going to get better,” he whispered listlessly to himself. it's not going to be like this forever; we'll be okay.” Those were the truisms he would bestow upon someone else reaching out to him in his situation but looking up from the dark hole he was in right now the words were impossible to believe. - - -

Sunburst sat down in the front pew of the little memorial chapel. He could no longer escape it. This was really happening. His wife's death wasn't some abstract thing he could look away from. It had been made real as dozens of friends and family showed up to mourn beside him. Her body was in the casket up front beneath a big photo of her and a wreath of flowers.

Princess Twilight Sparkle gave the eulogy, one time foil for Trixie turned inner circle of friends. The irony wasn't lost on Sunburst and suddenly he found himself thinking about another mare he hadn't seen or heard from in years. Despite the bad terms they parted on, her absence at the funeral left a profound ache inside him. A tragedy on top of another tragedy. He didn't know what had happened to her but he had come to assume the worst. Could she still be out there? Was she still angry? She must have been or surely he would have heard from her in all this time. She was still angry or dead... Had she heard the news, he wondered. How could everything have ended like this? He buried his face in his hooves trying to stop himself from spiraling.

Hat Trick sat next to his dad but buried his head in Stellar Flare's side for the majority of the service. Firelight sat alone just across the aisle. Maud and Mud Briar sat behind him. For once their expressions were appropriate to the venue. Rarity sang a song and the pews cleared leaving just the close family.

“Come on,” said Sunburst, beckoning him up to the front.

“What are we doing?" asked Hat Trick, tentatively following him.

“We're going to say goodbye to mommy,” murmured his father. “Everyone who wants to gets to say goodbye.”

“She can't hear us anymore though. Are they going to bury her in her ground after this?”

His grandma appeared at his side in reassurance. “Yes,” answered Stellar, stroking his mane. “That's why we're saying goodbye.”

“Is she really in there? In that box?”

“Yeah,” nodded his father.

A new expression took over his face, something like renewed sorrow mixed with panic.

Sunburst placed his hooves atop the coffin and looked up at her picture. It wasn't the image people were used to seeing in her promotional materials, she was smiling without her hat and cape. It was meant to be a profile of her as a mare not as an entertainer or an on stage persona. Tears came to his eyes as the thought of carrying on without her cut him to the bone.

“We love you and we really miss you but don't worry we'll be okay.”

His voice cracked and he turned away and wiped his cheeks and his nose. He put a hoof on his son's back. “You don't have to say anything if you don't want to.”

The lid of the coffin creaked apart from Hat Trick’s magic. Sunburst quickly braced it shut with both hooves.

“What are you doing, Hat?”

“I want to see mom.”

Sunburst shook his head. “I don't think you do buddy. She looks really bad.”

“I don't care. I haven't seen her in a month. I'm never going to see her again! Please,” he begged, scratching his hooves urgently on his father's side.

Sunburst swallowed with trepidation. Did he really mean that or was he just overcome with loss and the finality of this last moment before burial? He didn't want his little son to see his mother like that, to make his final memory of her this one but at the same time he wasn't sure if Hat Trick would understand or ever forgive him if he didn’t grant this last simple request.

Sunburst looked down at him. “Okay, you can look but you just close your eyes when you're done, Hat.”

Stellar bit her lip but said nothing as her son turned back to the casket and lifted up the lid slowly with his hoof. Hat Trick reared up against it and peered inside breathlessly. The form which laid within the padded coffin was blackened, unrecognizable, no mane. He saw teeth though. That wasn’t her; it couldn't be her.

Hat Trick’s eyes grew wider before he clenched them shut in horror and turned away. “I'm done! I'm done! I'm done,” he wailed before his voice devolved into uncontrollable sobbing. He laid out on the floor covering his head like he was hiding under the covers from a monster.

Sunburst quickly shut the coffin lid and joined his mother in comforting him. He immediately regretted subjecting his son to this. It didn't feel like closure, it just felt like more needless trauma.

“I’m so sorry, Hat Trick,” he quivered. “Come on, let's go outside.”