Imperfect Strangers

Birdsong twittered from the trees as Starlight ambled helplessly around Ponyville Cemetery in the throes of alcohol withdrawal. The substance was so ubiquitous and normalized in her boat life that she didn't even realize she'd developed a serious dependency. Though the revelation didn't surprise her much.

She paused at the base of a tree and hung her head while she took deep breaths. “Not gonna puke on a grave,” she breathed. “Do not need to be cursed by a ghost on top of everything else.”

She felt sick but she would absolutely kill an entire decanter of brandy if it by chance fell out of the sky and she was not a brandy girl. If she could last the rest of the day, maybe tomorrow she'd probably be over the hump but right now she was struggling. Now that she realized it, maybe it would have been best to just lock herself in a hotel room for a couple of days instead of going straight to the cemetery.

Whatever. She was here now. She would see it through like she did all of her bad decisions. The wave of nausea passed and she kept wandering. It was supposed to be in this quadrant. She understood that much but she feared she was getting further away. She stopped in the shade of the next tree and looked around in all directions. There was one heavily decorated grave nearby that looked like it was still fresh in everyone's memory.

Starlight trotted over to stand beside a new smooth granite monolith standing atop pristine green sod. It was larger than some markers but seemed incongruously humble even while surrounded by flowers and keepsakes. The sandblasted letters read Trixie Lulamoon: beloved wife, mother and entertainer. Above them was the magician's unmistakable cutie mark.

Starlight scratched her head. Yep, that was her. Wife and mother… It sounded so bizarre. She never knew her as either of those things. What else was different now? Who else died or procreated? Anything could have happened while she was gone.

Standing there she felt a profound sense of cold finality but also murkiness. Well, now what she wondered. She'd come all this way just to see this? What was she expecting? She craved peace of mind and reconciliation but she was gone and buried. This probably would have worked a lot better had she come back a year ago but it took Trixie's death to finally cut through her stubbornness.

Everything about this journey had felt strange since the moment she stepped off of Luna's Fury back in Sentinel. This was certainly a moment worthy of capping such an odd trip. Seeing the actual grave was helpful to the process and Trixie being gone already made things a lot less awkward but that meant that reconciliation had to come completely from within Starlight somehow.

A strange thought occurred to her: what if this was all some elaborate prank, like part of her world tour, a sort of vanishing act and then she would come back after everyone thought she was dead. Trixie just might have the balls to do something like that. The critical part of her brain kicked in and she began to do the math. She died over two weeks ago and was long out of the news cycle. If she was going to come back she had probably missed her moment. How would she even do it anyway? At some event? Her own funeral? That seemed to be in incredibly bad taste. She was probably just actually dead, concluded Starlight.

“Well, look at you now, you stupid bitch,” she sighed. “Flew too close to the sun didn't you…” she rubbed her face as she thought. She wasn't sure how to facilitate reconciliation with a dead mare but this probably wasn't it.

“I like your grave,” she began again. “It looks nice. I certainly won't be getting anything like this… I kind of resent you for that actually.” She furrowed her brow. “I don't even have one fan let alone however many you have but it doesn't do you any good now does it?”

“Starlight?” came a voice behind her.

Her blood froze. “Oh, shit!” She whirled around to see none other than the stallion she'd been avoiding for so many years. Her mouth dropped open, suddenly stricken mute. Her eyes flicked down at his side where a timid colt stood levitating a wild flower he'd picked in idle. Trixie's progeny. They'd come here to pay respects.

“I can't believe it's you,” gasped Sunburst, taking a step forward. I thought you must have been dead.” For a moment he forgot everything that had happened between them and stretched out a hoof to embrace her but she shrank back in reactive uncertainty.

He put his hoof back down, embarrassed “Sorry… I'm so glad you're okay. You really came back.”

One hour in Ponyville and she'd been busted already. Starlight had dreaded having a moment like this. She knew it was a possibility, maybe even inevitable but she had pushed it into the back of her mind saying perhaps she would cross that bridge when she came to it. Or perhaps she'd just flake out and leave without a word. Starlight of course knew going in that Sunburst lived here and if she was in town visiting Trixie's grave wouldn't it make sense to visit him as well? She wouldn't really just travel halfway across the planet to visit her own hometown without talking to anyone there and then leave again like a phantom would she? Fortunately or unfortunately the decision had already made itself.

Starlight smoothed her mane with one hoof as if it could hide her apprehension and the sheen of sweat on her forehead from being cut off from her favorite vices for two days.

“Hi,” she breathed, looking at Sunburst first and then to the pale colt. “I- I'm not back,” said something in her throat that sounded like a rusty door hinge. “What I mean is I came here to say goodbye or something… since I didn't do a very good job last time.”

Sunburst expression softened. “Oh… Of course. I didn't mean- Uh, Starlight, this is my son, Hat Trick.” He blindly sat a hoof on the colt’s back. “Hat, this is Starlight Glimmer. She's a friend from a really long time ago. You've heard us talk about her before.”

Great, she thought. Those must have been some interesting anecdotes. She smiled tentatively at the boy as they exchanged tepid greetings. Then she watched as he placed the flower on his mother's grave, the one she'd just been arguing with.

“I'm sorry for your loss,” murmured Starlight. The words were sincere, she thought but they left a hypocritical taste in her mouth.

“Thank you. So what are your plans today?”

“My schedule is… open,” she quipped dryly. - - -

It was with no small amount of trepidation that Starlight found herself sitting in a booth in Sugar Cube Corner. She shrank down in her seat casting nervous glances this way and that. She'd ceded control of the situation by trying to be nice, or at least not insufferable. The worker at the counter was thankfully unfamiliar to her but anyone she used to know could still just pop right in through the front door.

She sat in front of a big cinnamon roll, the only treat she could find in the establishment that didn't make her stomach shrivel to look at right now. Hat sat in the bench across the table from her looking almost as apprehensive about things as she felt. Even so, his familiar features were captivating to her, particularly his resemblance to Trixie but she tried not to stare. In some sense it was like she was still here… judging her and wishing she'd leave.

“So where have you been all this time?” hazarded Sunburst digging into his ice cream.

“I've been lots of places all this time, she shrugged. “Everything between Griffonstone and Saddle Arabia… at least on the coasts. At first I just wandered around doing jobs here and there. I kept going until I reached the ocean. Then I started working on ships and that's really what I've been doing the past six years almost. I've been working on a pretty big salvage ship for the last three years. We travel all around pulling up sunken ships and lost cargo.”

“Wow,” he marveled. “Sounds interesting but I never would have pictured you doing that. No scholastics or research. Do you enjoy it though?”

She stabbed her roll with a fork like she needed to kill it first. “I… Some parts are okay. It wasn't really a matter of liking it. It was more of a matter of could I survive doing it alone and in that regard it's been pretty stable. It's definitely been a life experience.” Her brain suddenly returned to the axiom that her life was really many different lives.

Starlight turned away and wiped the sweat from her forehead with a shaking hoof. “What about you?” she asked.

“I've been teaching history at the School of Friendship for seven years now.”

“Wow, that's a big change,” she breathed. Unlike what she did, his move made a lot more sense.

“Yeah, Trixie had actually been working there even longer as the part time guidance counselor after you left. She was… going to retire from doing big shows and finally settle in full time.”

Wonderful, thought Starlight. She stole my friend and my job.

She turned to Hat Trick, determined to break the silence between them that was starting to grate on her. “So, what grade are you in, Hat Trick?”

Starlight had never really been around kids before. The closest she had come was being the counselor at the School of Friendship but they were all teens there. She was unsure of herself around the much younger colt.

He left his spoon in his ice cream bowl and glanced at his dad before answering. “Second grade.”

Her eyebrows went up lazily. “Your teacher's not Miss Cheerilee, is it?”

“Yeah… How did you know?”

“I used to live here; I guess some things haven't changed. So what do you like to do for fun?”

He shrugged apathetically. “I don't know.”

Sunburst's face fell. His son would have had an emphatic answer for that question a month ago. He would have already jumped on this opportunity to show her some kind of magic trick. It was like he was a completely different pony now.

Starlight screwed up her face in bewilderment. That was an answer she never expected to hear from anyone. “Huh… I would just assume from your name and genetic stock that you'd be interested in-”

“Hey, Hat, are you going to finish your ice cream?” interrupted Sunburst, hoping to diffuse a potential exchange where he reaffirmed his dislike of performance magic right in front of Starlight.

“I'm done," he sighed.

He never would have passed on ice cream before but it seemed he wasn't really able to enjoy much of anything right now regardless of what he used to love. Sunburst took a few joyless bites of his son's melting leftovers while the conversation petered out. Starlight turned her attention back to her frosted cinnamon roll that she'd been too anxious to tend to.

It was late afternoon when they finished. The three of them went outside and walked along the river trail in the yellow glow of the low-hanging sun. Although she was still apprehensive about everything, Starlight found the new venue to be much more relaxing than the sweets shop just because it felt like it was easier to avoid other ponies.

“You just missed my mom,” Sunburst told her as they strode along a thick patch of bulrush. “She left a couple of days ago. I saw your dad at the funeral too.”

Starlight laughed weakly. “How's he doing?”

“Okay, I guess.”

“You talk to him? What did he say?”

“He said he still didn't know where you were or what had happened to you. I told him the same. I guess you could say we commiserated.”

“That's what funerals are for,” she replied dismissively. Starlight watched Hat curiously as he twisted a cattail around and around with his magic but he was having trouble breaking the stem.

“Does he really not know what he likes to do for fun?” she murmured.

Sunburst helped him break the plant so he he could take it.

“I don't think he thinks anything will ever be fun again. The only thing I've seen him do lately is read but I don't think he actually finds it enjoyable anymore either. He just wants an escape. He loves magic like his mother or at least he used to. Now he says he doesn't want to do tricks ever again.”

“I'm sure he doesn't really mean that,” she replied.

“I hope not. It would kill me. One of these days he's going to get his cutie mark too and I can't imagine it won't be magic related.”

“It could be academic magic like you or me though, instead of performance,” she posed. “Or maybe his name is a different kind of ‘hat trick’ and he's supposed to be a hoofball quarterback.”

Sunburst pushed up his glasses. “I think I would need to take a paternity test if that happened.”

In spite of everything Starlight almost smiled. “Yeah you would,” she muttered.

Hat trick twisted the brown pod of the cattail as he walked along, trying to break open the fluffy seeds. It was difficult and they came out in little chunks instead of exploding into big puffy clouds. It was still too early in the season. He sighed and hurled the plant into the river. Then he leaned his body against a cement pillar beneath an overhead bridge. Sunburst frowned. even just a tiny moment of intrigue like that had fizzled out for him.

Starlight paused for a moment as her forelegs trembled involuntarily beneath her.

“Are you okay?” asked Sunburst looking back at her.

Had he finally noticed her condition or was he just worried about her in general? Either way it was valid but also upsetting.

“Why are you asking me that?” She snapped defensively. “You’re the one who just lost your wife. I'm- I'm fine.”

The expression on his face told her she wasn't too convincing. They kept walking until they caught up with Hat Trick beneath the bridge.

“I want to go home,” the colt informed bluntly.

“Okay,” agreed Sunburst. He turned to Starlight. “Care to stay for dinner?” he asked her timidly.

Her head throbbed in protest. “Sure.”

What the hell was she supposed to say? No, sorry, I actually had plans to take some aspirin and inhale a can of spray cheese alone in a shady hotel room while I try to detox.

Hat looked back at her and let out a frustrated sigh that immediately deepened Starlight’s unease.

The three of them journeyed back to Sunburst's house. It was a nice, single story, three bedroom, two bath abode. Nothing extravagant but it was the nicest place Starlight had been to in quite a while. All around were traces of the mare who would never be coming home. She wandered around cautiously looking at photos that seemed to be from an alternate dimension. The wedding she hadn't attended or even heard about. Hat Trick as a newborn with his parents. Outings with Twilight Sparkle and her friends.

This was the life I was supposed to have she thought to herself. She looked away before she could begin to imagine herself in any of the photos.

Meals in the house had had a bit more variety since Stellar Flare had stayed with them and cooked for everyone but Sunburst made a point not to serve his traditional depression ramen for company.

“Your house is very nice," she remarked absently. She suddenly wondered what happened to her own house, the one she just abandoned and all the things in it. At least they hadn't moved into it. That would have been too much.

“Thank you,” replied Sunburst from the kitchen. “It's been getting messier every day since… well… My mom did help us pick up.”

Starlight hadn't even noticed. She'd reached the point where if a room had windows and a bookshelf, it was nice.

Hat Trick had disappeared into his room for the cooking portion of the night. He was deeply depressed but she wondered if it was also her presence that upset him.

“Can I offer you a drink? Sunburst called from the open door.

She swallowed. He was talking about alcohol. Her head began to swim as if having a pavlovian response. “Water, please," she replied weakly. “Just water. I'll just get it myself if you tell me where the cups are.”

Sunburst furrowed his brow curiously at her uncharacteristically temperate response. “Glasses are in the cabinet over the sink,” he cocked his head and then turned around returning to the stove as it began to sizzle.

Starlight drifted into the galley style kitchen and over to the specified cabinet. She helped herself, filling up a glass of water from the sink and immediately chugging it down.

She gasped. “Um… sorry to ask this but do you have some aspirin I could have?”

He eyed her suspiciously as all of her symptoms and odd behaviors began to coalesce in his brain. “You have a headache?”

“Yeah.”

He set down his knife in mid-chop and opened a cabinet near the fridge with his magic. Then he floated a little glass bottle to her.

She shook four pills out in her hoof and took them with another full glass of water.

“Starlight, are you on something?” He whispered. “You can tell me.”

Starlight choked on the last of her water and set the glass down on the counter. “No. What the hell?” she hissed indignantly.

“Sorry. You've just… been acting weird.”

“How do you even know what I act like anymore?” she scoffed. “Is this not a normal way to act when you come back from the edge of civilization to visit your ex friend's grave and then get ambushed by her grieving family?”

She deflated, trying to bleed some of the irritability out of her words. “I'm sorry… I was just kind of hoping maybe I could handle one emotional bombshell at a time on this trip instead of all of them at once.” What a stupid fantasy she thought. She knew it was all knotted together like roots invading a septic system.

“Listen, I've been basically drunk continuously until about two days ago. The issue is that I'm stone cold sober for the first time in like four years. I feel like shit but I'm not going to start drinking again now after making it this far… mostly on accident.”

His eyes softened. “You're going through alcohol withdrawal?”

“Yeah.”

“I'm sorry. You should have said something.”

She threw up her hooves. “When, Sunburst? I don't lead off with that when introducing myself to kids. I was hoping I could get through the day without having to have a conversation about it but no.”

His eyebrows shot up suddenly. “Do you need to go to the hospital?”

“No, I don't think so. Just… make dinner while I lay uselessly on your couch.” she gritted her teeth in indiscriminate frustration as she retreated from the room.

Sunburst added more oil and stirred the vegetables. There was so much weighing on him. So much he needed to say but he wasn't sure if he could right now. He'd been wishing for this singular volatile moment for years. It hadn't come at the best of times but he couldn't let it slip away after everything.

He finished cooking and dished up three plates. That was the number he was used to cooking for. He summoned Hat back from his room and Starlight from the living room and they all assembled around the table like a family. The three of them started eating unceremoniously and the tension began to grow quickly along with the silence.

“You're almost caught up in your back work, Hat,” said Sunburst finally. “That's something worth celebrating.”

“Yeah,” he sighed.

Starlight looked back and forth between the two of them. So was this what domestic family life was like? It was strange, both in the unfamiliar way and the fact that she had essentially hijacked someone else's family and stolen their chair. How the tables had turned. How would Trixie feel about this, she wondered.

“This is still ramen,” mumbled Hat, examining a noodle hanging from the tines of his fork.

“It's stir fry,” clarified his dad. “I used the same noodles but ramen is technically a soup.”

“Oh “

“It took more work, tastes different and looks nicer. Right?”

Hat said nothing.

Starlight kept quiet herself until she had finished. “That was really good,” she concluded. “Thank you. I guess I should go find a hotel for the night,” she suggested.

“Why don't you just stay here while you're in Ponyville?” offered Sunburst. “The spare bedroom is already made up.”

“What?” blurted Hat Trick, rattling the dishes in dismay. “She can't.”

“Hat Trick, she's a friend I haven't seen in-

The colt disappeared abruptly in a burst of magic, leaving behind his lightly picked over meal.

“Hat Trick,” called his father knowing he'd stormed off to his room. He turned back to Starlight. "I'm so sorry about this.”

Starlight frowned. “It's fine. I know it's hard right now and I don't want to make things harder. You're both still in the middle of grieving. I shouldn't be dropping in on you like this. I'll just get a hotel somewhere.” She didn't really want to stay anyway. She wasn't prepared for any of this. Her afternoon had gone completely off the rails and she needed somewhere to recover.

“Hold on,” he begged her. “Let me just go talk to him first. I'll be back in a minute. Don't leave,” he added emphatically.

Sunburst vanished in a flash, apparating into his son's room where all the magic show things were missing from the walls and shelves. He was on his bed curled into a ball, a frown upon his face.

“She’s been here long enough," he mumbled gruffly. “I don't want her to stay here.”

“Why not?”

“I don't know her.”

Sunburst sat on the bed next to him. “Hat, Starlight used to be my best friend. I've known her since I was younger than you and I haven't seen her since before you were born. No one even knew where she was that whole time; I thought she was dead. She used to be good friends with mommy too. You know that. She came all this way here to visit your mother's grave. I still care about her a lot and I think she needs help. I'm afraid if I just let her go that something bad's going to happen to her or maybe she'll disappear again.”

A flurry of bad memories from the last day he saw her arose like sparks from crumbling firewood.

“If she's such a good friend, why did she just disappear for a long time without even saying goodbye?” posed Hat Trick without meeting his gaze.

Sunburst swallowed “Well, that's something I'd have to ask her about.”

“How long does she have to stay here?”

His father shook his head. “I don't know, not forever, maybe a week.”

This was a history that his son wasn't quite ready to hear yet. There was a conversation he desperately needed to have with Starlight but not in front of him. The situation was difficult to explain but Sunburst feared that if he took his eyes off of her she would vanish for good this time.

“If things don't work out she can stay in a hotel,” he promised. “But we're just going to try it this way for now, okay?”

“Fine,” he grunted.

Sunburst tousled his mane. “Thanks, buddy. We're going to be okay.”

“You keep saying that.”

“It's true. We are. I love you so much.”

Sunburst returned to the kitchen where Starlight waited anxiously.

“He’ll be fine,” he nodded in a comforting tone. “If you want to stay, go ahead anduse the guest bedroom for as long as you need.” He’d smooth out the details as needed but right now he just wanted them both to settle.

“Are you sure?” she asked skeptically. The last thing she wanted was to put undue strain on a young colt, especially one who was blameless for the way things had turned out.

“Yes, please make yourself at home. The room is just down the hall,” he beckoned her to follow.

She got out of her chair and exhaled.

“That's the bathroom.” He pointed through a doorway as they passed. “And the guest bedroom is right next to it.” He pushed open the door for her with his magic and stood to one side.

Starlight stopped in front of him instead of entering. It was free and it was right here, ready for her. “I think I'm just going to crash in here for the rest of the night and decompress… and struggle,” she conceded. “Can you please hide the alcohol from me though?” she asked softly. “I’m serious.”

“Yeah, of course,” he answered.

“And can you not tell anyone that I’m here in Ponyville? I can’t handle any more surprises right now.”

“Okay,” he nodded slowly as if he were trying to piece together her reasoning. “I promise. Help yourself to whatever you want from the kitchen. Hat Trick has school tomorrow and I have work. I don't know what your plans are but I'd like for us to stay in contact from now on. If you need anything to help your… struggle, just ask.”

Whether it was from years on the sea or the vestigial embers of her long burning anger, Starlight was finding it painful to express gratitude or even basic politeness. Sunburst was reaching out to her despite her sluggish ambivalence. He was making her do this and she was acquiescing. Therefore she was comfortable leaning on the limits of his patience.

She simply nodded curtly and disappeared inside, closing the door behind her. She flopped face down on the bed, the mattress caressing her curves like nothing she could remember feeling before. She felt like a dirty interloper here. Things were tense and weird between all three of them and it was such an inopportune moment but how could she say no to a fully furnished room and a real bed. The day hadn't gone at all like she'd planned but she made it through without crying or vomiting.