Imperfect Strangers

Even though the three of them had already spent the better part of Starlight's first day doing things in town together, going to the antique fair felt inexplicably different somehow, like a step up. Perhaps it was that Sunburst and Starlight were on better terms now but this seemed like something a happy family would do together.

It wasn't until Starlight was standing there at the bustling venue that another issue arose in her mind. Wouldn't it be strange for others to see him with another mare in public so soon after his wife's death. Not that they were actually dating or anything but the optics might be semi-scandalous and he didn't even bring it up. Of course they could date now… if they wanted to… He wasn't married anymore. She had never seriously dated anyone before. She wiped the thought away like fog from a bathroom mirror. It was just not the right time to consider such things. Still, the fact that it wasn't an impossibility anymore proved too provocative to put away.

Despite her concerns about being recognized, Starlight did not go out in disguise after deciding that it would just make things awkward for the family. The outdoor market was set up with dozens of vendors in a rummage sale style. Collectors and traders assembled their wares from straight out of their shops and closets. They sold anything as long as it was old or evoked memories of yesteryear. Some things Sunburst and Starlight recalled from their foalhoods while others were hundreds of years old, beyond antique and crossing over into ancient.

Hat Trick walked slowly down the length of a glass display case. Inside it were little porcelain figurines of ponies and animals meticulously painted and glazed. His father and Starlight looked through the other nearby displays.

“Wow, look at these,” marveled Sunburst, pointing at a trio of little wooden boxes with tarnished brass fixtures. “These have to be some of the oldest cameras in existence.”

Starlight carefully spun one of the little cubes around with her magic looking at each side. The device was starkly lacking in features. “It's just a box with a lens,” she scoffed. “There's not even an eye hole on this thing.”

“Nope. You just had to know, like the exposure time.”

“Could you make it work?”

Probably but I'd have to manufacture my own plates for it and it would be a lot of trial and error I'm sure. And also some mercury poisoning.”

“Maybe it's not worth it,” she groaned.

“Yeah… I love old cameras but as far as old cameras go these are all pretty utilitarian looking. If one was a little more decorative or easier to use and I knew I could take old looking pictures with it, that would be pretty cool. Imagine the world that these were made in. Wouldn't it be amazing to see what they've seen?”

What an absolute dork, she thought. He's the same as ever.

He curiously popped open the back of one of the cameras to look inside. “Hey, this one's still got a plate in it.”

“Oh no, you just ruined Celestia’s hundred year old vacation photos,” she equipped and put on dismay.

Sunburst snorted with laughter. Hat looked over the glass case to see Starlight through the rack laughing along with his dad. Sensing his stare, she turned her gaze toward him. Her smile wilted immediately when she saw his glare and she timidly looked away.

Starlight clammed up as they finished looking through the booth. Maybe I should have just let them come together, she panicked in her mind. I shouldn't be here. But wait, it was my idea.

The three of them left without buying anything and continued down the row looking for their next distraction. Hat Trick maneuvered in between the adults as they walked leaving Starlight to lag behind as she became more self-conscious about how her presence was changing the dynamic. It was starting to feel less like Hat was just generally grumpy about being around a stranger and more like he just didn't like her out of principle.

“Hey, Hat Trick,” called an excited voice out of nowhere.

The three of them looked to see Hat's classmate Big Sugar standing beside the Apple Family booth. Hat trick wandered over to greet him.

“Are ya comin’ to mah party?” asked the Apple colt.

Hat had forgotten about the party but also he'd been hesitant to commit to going because he wasn't feeling up to it. But now with a slightly improved mood and being put on the spot he wanted to say yes but he was kind of ill prepared. They didn't even have a present for him. He hadn't even told his dad about it.

“Uh… yeah,” he nodded compliantly.

“Great! If ya come to the school at noon tomorrow mah dad will pull everyone to the house in the wagon.”

He'd mentioned that before remembered Hat. He liked to brag on how strong his dad was.

Not recognizing the colt by face or name, Starlight stood dumbly in front of the shop lost in her own head as she fretted over her perceived exclusion from the trio. It was only seconds later that she found herself locking eyes with her former coworker and sort of friend, Applejack when the mare appeared at the front of the booth. Her insides recoiled as she recognized her a half second after it dinged for Applejack.

“Starlight Glimmer?” she gasped.

“Uh-oh,” muttered Sunburst pretending not to notice.

Starlight, realizing the jig was up, swooped in close and shushed her.

“Oh… Ah can't believe you're here,” she began quieter. “When did ya get back?”

“I'm not back,” clarified Starlight stubbornly. “I'm visiting because of Trixie.”

“How long have ya been here in Ponyville then?”

“I only got here a couple of days ago. No one else knows I'm here yet so I'd like to keep it that way for now because I don't know what my plans are and I don't really want to cause a big scene over my reappearance.”

“Gotcha… but some ponies think ya died, y’know?” She cocked her head to the side to look past Starlight and saw sunburst amusing himself with the adjacent booth. “And you're hangin’ around Sunburst and his son?”

“Who else would I be visiting? I mean I was going to visit the grave but then we ran into each other and it became a whole thing.”

“Are you okay?” she asked abruptly.

Starlight scratched her head frustratedly at the question that had become the bane of her existence. “I'm better than I was…”

“Well if yer not back then what are ya doin’ with yerself exactly?”

Starlight bit her lip. She hated this question too. “I work on ships now," she answered honestly but the moment the words left her mouth she began to doubt them. Do I really work on ships she questioned inside. Am I really going to go all the way back just to do all the things that I told myself I didn't want to do anymore? For the rest of my life?

Applejack blinked. “Ships? Shoot. Ah never figured ya ta be a seamare.”

“So what are you doing?” Starlight riposted quickly before Applejack could threaten her with a how ya likin’ it?

“Well, let's see… What's changed since ya been gone. Rainbow Dash and me basically run the orchard now. We expanded into citrus fruits. Applebloom moved out but still lives in town. Throwin’ a party for mah nephew. He's gonna be nine and his parents have another little one on the way too. I love where I am at right now.”

“I bet you do,” nodded Starlight. Everyone have this stuff figured out but her.

Applejack lowered her voice even further. “Maybe it's none of mah business but what exactly happened that set ya off like that all those years ago? Y’know, when ya left?”

This was a dangerous question for Starlight to answer. Trixie dies, she reappears suddenly and starts hanging around Sunburst like a vulture on a still warm carcass. It was far too easy to make one and one equal three and she knew exactly how stories like that spread around Ponyville.

Starlight looked over her shoulder and then at Hat Trick, who was still distracted with his own conversation, before she came back to Applejack. “What did Sunburst say happened?”

“Well, Twilight wanted an investigation into yer sudden disappearance but Sunburst, not wantin’ things ta snowball into hysteria, told her you had left ‘cuz ya two had a fight and irreconcilable differences.”

“Yeah… that sounds about right.”

Applejack shrugged in disappointment. “That's it? Ya left yer house and job and everyone ya knew. Musta been a hell of a fight.”

“Yeah… maybe I'll tell you all about it someday but I'm still not ready to share yet.”

“Ah see. Well ya musta reconciled those differences at least a little ta be here together… Ya gonna disappear again after this?”

Starlight sighed. “I want to say no… not entirely anyway… I'm cautiously optimistic about it,” she finally amended.

Applejack eyed Hat Trick as he wandered back to his dad. Well I don't want ta keep ya from yer… outin’. Have fun while yer here.”

“Thanks,” breathed Starlight as she turned away.

“I forgot about Big Sugar’s party," Hat began frustratedly. “It's tomorrow.”

“Did you want to go?” asked his dad.

“Yeah… I just kind of told him I would.”

“Sounds really fun. They always have crazy parties on the farm. I'm sure you’ll have a great time.”

“But we don't have a present,” he worried.

“Well, keep your eyes open. Maybe we'll find something here or if we don't we can just stop somewhere on the way home.” He would move mountains to get his son back on his legs and enjoying life again.

They regrouped and got cinnamon roasted pecans and popcorn from an old timey popcorn cart. Then they ate while they window shopped for books and furniture and bottles until they came to a vendor that excited Hat Trick enough that he ventured on ahead to look inside.

Something sparked in Starlight's brain when she looked at the name of the store: The Cauldron Comics & Collectibles. This must have been what he liked.

Growing up she was never really one for comics. It wasn't until much later when she befriended Spike that she developed an affinity for the medium, borrowing some of his books, taking recommendations and even accompanying him once to a convention when Shining Armor had to pull out of the engagement at the last minute. Now that she thought about it she was kind of surprised not to see the dragon here ogling the wares. Then again this vendor was probably just the inventory of a local store that he already haunted regularly.

Starlight went inside to browse casually but mostly kept tabs on the colt to see what he was doing. There were models and action figures and lunch box tins and other faded merchandise for long forgotten characters. She watched out of the corner of her eye as Hat began flipping through a crate of old comic books wrapped neatly in plastic sleeves.

Starlight sidled up at the box next to him and began rifling through the old pulpy covers. “So you like comics, old ones even.”

Hat only growled in annoyance as he continued browsing.

“That’s surprising because most kids your age are really only interested in the new stuff, aren't they?” she continued undeterred. “What’s your favorite series or superhero?”

He let out a defeated sigh. “Red Doctrine,” he answered without looking at her. “They're not going to have any here. I'm just looking for the dumbest old superhero I can find.”

The name didn't ring a bell with Starlight. It was probably too new for her to know but the activity sounded pretty entertaining.

“That sounds fun. I bet they have some good ones here. So I've been out of the loop for a while, what's popular at your school right-”

Hat Trick vanished in a flash of magic, abandoning his search before she could finish her question.

Starlight sighed heavily as she ran her hoof across the edges of the packaged comics with a little zip. She knew how to make ponies fear her and submit to her authority. She could be a counselor at a school and give others direction and advice for their issues but the intricacies of her own relationships still eluded her. This colt was becoming an enigma for her. If he didn't want to be her friend she couldn't make him. Usually in life that would be acceptable but here it put her in an awkward spot with his father who did wish to be friends with her. His tolerance of her seemed like a minimum requirement if she was to be friends with Sunburst.

Maybe reaching out to him was the wrong way to go and she should be letting him come to her in his own time… if that would ever manifest. But the thought of staying in his house and basically ignoring him also seemed wrong.

Sunburst bought a book and a puzzle box. The three of them left the fair and ate lunch together at a diner where Starlight insisted she pay for her own food. Then she went home leaving the two in town on a mission to find Big Sugar a birthday present for tomorrow. When they came home Hat Trick's attention quickly returned to his mother's old trunk, its dominating presents in the living room impossible to ignore.

“Can we keep looking in the trunk?” he begged his dad.

“Sure,” he agreed. “But let's do some chores first.”

Hat groaned but was compliant with the requirement, taking out the trash cleaning his room and putting away the dishes.

Everyone assembled in the living room much like how they had the day before with Starlight lurking over their shoulders in an even more standoffish fashion. For Hat Trick this activity seemed to possess an air of Hearth's Warming present opening, a little mystery and surprise coming with every item they discovered.

The colt became enamored with a deck of playing cards from the trunk because of the ornate art deco styling it had which he had never seen before.

“Those have to be much older than your mother," concluded Sunburst. Maybe she got them from a parent or someone else when she was very little.”

“Can I have these?” he queried.

“You sure can. Just take care of them. They've already made it this far.” That was the ism he often recited whenever dealing with antiques.

They were getting down to the bottom layer now and the piles in the living room were getting high. Sunburst looked down into the trunk and found what looked like a plain loose envelope standing wedged against the side. He slipped it out with his magic and squinted at it.

“It's a sealed envelope that looks like it has… your name on it, Starlight.”

“What?” gasped Hat Trick in disbelief.

The two looked back at her with shocked expressions. Starlight's eyes widened as the envelope floated in front of her face and she indeed saw her own name written in Trixie's hoofwriting.

What the hell could possibly be in there, her ego demanded. Did she really even want to know?

Starlight gently received the letter with her magic and looked back at them with mouth agape. “What do I do with it?”

“It's yours I guess,” shrugged Sunburst. “She's not here and it's got your name on it.”

Starlight's face tightened as she looked back at the unassuming envelope. She flipped it over and began to wrestle with the flap. It was definitely sealed like it was only meant for her but that was an assumption. Was it really meant for anyone?

Her morbid curiosity overtook the anxiety in her gut and she ran the nearby letter opener through the top of the envelope with a rip. She opened the tri fold parchment within and began to read the scrawled letter in her head.

Dear Starlight,

I don't expect you'll ever read this for so many reasons. Wherever you are, if you're alive, I hope you are well. But one way or another you're not here and this is the only way I can get this off my back. I miss you and I regret how things ended between us. Looking back on the friendship we had I now realize how rare and valuable it was. It's something I'll probably never see again in my life.

I'm doing well though, I guess. Really well in my career but not as much at home. I married Sunburst but can I tell you something? I love him more than any other stallion but I don't think I was meant to get married and settle down.

Starlight had to read the sentence again just to make sure she'd seen it right. She closed her eyes and inhaled a slow shaky breath as rage boiled inside her. Wasn't meant to get married and settle down? Then what the fuck was the point of blowing up everything between them? Trixie just ruined her supposed friend's dreams on a whim? On a wishy-washy accident? She continued reading, hoping this wasn't all just some cruel joke.

I was so sure that was what I wanted. Isn't that supposed to be normal or something? I guess my own parents didn't think so. I'm responsible for a foal now. Can you believe that? Now I'm torn between my true calling and my son. I want to be there for him in the way I never had but at the same time I can't stay off of the big stage. He's so little but he's growing so fast. I feel like I'm missing out on so much. I've made a lot of costly mistakes but I've also made a lot of promises and if I want to stop hurting ponies then I can't go back on them.

I wish that in the end you and I could have both gotten what we wanted but I guess that's impossible when I can't even figure it out for myself. I'm sorry. Even knowing you can't forgive me, I'm sorry. That's what I'd say to you if you came back.

Your once friend, Trixie.

Starlight lowered the letter and slowly folded it back up. Trixie had said she was sorry but what exactly was she sorry for? She had stopped short of saying that she'd selfishly stolen the life that Starlight wanted, the one she had begged her not to take. Did she not see it that way or could she not bring herself to write those words even in a letter she believed that no one would see? She wasn't sure what to think about this, if it made anything better, worse or just shook up everything inside her again like glass beads in a kaleidoscope.

“What was it?” breathed Sunburst.

Starlight shook her head ruefully. There was no way she could tell him everything his late wife thought about her domestic life. It was a secret Trixie had confided in her or specifically the confines of an envelope hidden in a trunk in an attic. He wasn't supposed to know and neither was Hat but now that she was dead, shouldn't they know? Was it right to tarnish her family's image of her, to inflict more anguish upon them when she could just say nothing?

“She just wrote a personal letter to me because I wasn't around to hear her,” murmured Starlight, as she put the document away. “I guess it was kind of therapeutic for her.”

Starlight left the room to go make dinner again and be alone with her thoughts. She wanted to make herself useful and also because she wanted to win the friendship or at least acceptance of Hat Trick, though she would never admit it. She stewed the whole time over the letter, trying to figure out what to feel other than confused and upset. Her relationship with the deceased was a labyrinth that she inevitably had to walk through alone.

When bedtime came for Hat his dad coaxed him to try sleeping in his own bed with the promise that he would stay there with him until the colt fell asleep.

Sunburst laid down on the edge of Hat's twin sized bed, trying his best not to crowd him. The dim night light projected pale yellow stars on the ceiling.

“How come you were laughing today?” asked the colt softly.

“What?” grunted Sunburst, staring into the creepy new mask he'd hung on the wall.

“With Starlight at the fair”

“Oh, she said something funny.”

“Are you happy then?”

It took Sunburst a moment to realize where he was going with this line of questioning. “I'm still very sad,” he answered earnestly.

“But you were smiling,” he countered.

“You can do both; it's okay to do both.”

“I don't feel like smiling though.”

“I know and that's okay too but someday you will. Everyone feels sadness differently. Everyone gets over sadness differently. When you lose someone I think unfortunately it's common to miss them forever but it doesn't mean you'll never be happy again. Right now I'm very sad that your mom is gone but I'm grateful that I got a friend back. Does that make sense?”

Hat curled tighter into a ball beneath the sheets. “I think so.”

“Try to go to sleep now; you have a birthday party tomorrow.”