Cross Your Fingers

Chapter I: You Can Lie

DISCLAIMER: There are two commonly accepted meanings of crossing your fingers. One could mean you are wishing for luck and the other usually means that you are lying about something. For the purposes of this story, crossing fingers will be in reference to a lie. This is the definition to keep in mind since this will be a running theme throughout these chapters. This story will also have mentions and/or descriptions of sexual acts. You have been warned. This story is a fic I made for my good friend, Ty! It is her birthday today, so I figured that it would only be fitting to give her a fic of an idea that she helped me polish up when I was first thinking about it. This idea is something I am extremely excited to showcase and I am so glad that Ty helped me finalize it. Happy birthday, Ty! I hope you have an amazing birthday with lots of love from friends and family!

The applause rings clear inside this small nightclub. Even though I can feel a small amount of sweat on my forehead, I can’t help but smile. This was a good performance, all things considered. I hate the people who frequent this place, but the job pays well and I get a chance to hone my voice. In this world, money is even more important than ever. Creatures in Equestria could usually rely on the kindness of others if they ran low on currency. Here? Everyone is left for themselves. The girls and I definitely need the money, all things considered.

Stepping off the small stage, I try to smile at the patrons that give me compliments. In reality, all I want is to be away from them. The only good parts about this job are the pay and the performances. To put it kindly, the utterances of these customers usually border on imbecilic. Hence why I find it superfluous to interact with them. The best thing to do is to sing a song when I’m needed and leave once my shift is completed.

Walking into the back room, I take a deep breath. The room is musty, consisting of supplies for the bar and a couple of chairs. At least it offers some solace between the songs. It can be boring sitting back here though. On the other side of the room, a girl with white skin and blue hair looks through the music albums on the shelf. Honestly, I don’t recognize her at all. I’ve never seen her here. I’m guessing she is just another waitress that was hired yesterday or something like that. Trying to ignore her, I sit down, taking a few deep breaths to calm myself. Unfortunately, my moment of solace doesn’t last long as this new employee walks my way.

“Yo, nice job you did out there. It’s been a while since I’ve heard a live gig,” the woman tells me, giving me a peace sign with her fingers. “With every place going digital now, it’s nice to see some people still singing with their own voices rather than tech-assisted stuff.” Before I can think of a response, the intruder of my personal space offers her hand. “I’m Vinyl. I just landed this job to be a regular DJ while I am trying to get my music off the ground. You did a great job with your last performance for the place.”

Raising my eyebrow, I ignore her hand, straightening my back. Talkative people always have a way of annoying me, but one thing intrigues me this time around. What does she mean by my last performance?

“I’m afraid I do not know what you are referring to,” I respond quietly, trying to not sound too interested. The shorter I can keep this conversation, the better. Vinyl seems extremely confused by the way she lets her sunglasses slack off her face slightly.

“I… Huh? The whole reason this place was offering me the job was because their singers are leaving. At least that’s what I was told? Are you not quitting?” Leaving? Huh… So, management told her I was going of my free will. All while I haven’t been told a thing. I’m being fired… They couldn’t have had the decency to tell me to my face? Or at least give me a call? After everything I have done here, they could have told me ahead of time… The girls and I don’t have a lot of money saved up as it is. I could barely find this job without a valid ID. Now I’m just expected to go find a new career as if every place isn’t looking at your background. Or lack thereof… A look of realization comes across the features of this stranger. “Oh my god… I’m sorry. I didn’t know I was a full blown replacement. If I had, I would have-”

“It’s fine. You didn’t know,” I barely respond, holding back my anger to the best of my ability. Despite how hard I try, I cannot seem to unravel my fingers from the fist they have become. I’ve never liked this place, but finding a job that pays a decent wage without a birth certificate is difficult… Of course they fire me like this. If they have been planning on telling me at all, I suppose they are probably going to ask me to meet with them at the end of the day. In a way, it feels ironic. I guess I did ruin lives in the past. Is this some sort of karma? If this is, it is like some cruel joke. Fuck my life… Standing up from my seat, I grab one of the bottles of their whiskey. The smooth texture of the glass does little to distract me, but the contents of the bottle surely will once I get out of here.

“Again, I’m sorry. I could try to talk to them and-”

“They don’t deserve me anyway,” I interrupt Vinyl while rolling my eyes. Paying the bills will be harder over the next couple weeks, but if this is how I am going to be treated, I wouldn’t want to keep this job anyway. Turning my gaze towards the woman, I hold the bottle in view. Maybe I’m not thinking straight, but I am sure as hell not leaving this place without some of this whiskey. “If you see them, tell them that I am taking this bottle as my last paycheck.”

“So, what did you do to get fired?” Aria asks me in an annoyed tone, her arms crossed. Sonata’s eyes are full of curiosity as well, making it harder for me to think of something plausible. The truth is that I didn’t do anything. The club just wanted to have more electronic media since it is cheaper than hiring live performances. The shiny appeal of capitalism strikes at the hearts of those less fortunate than the high and mighty. To think I used to be on the top of the food chain… A powerful siren now forced to work my way up from the bottom. It would be a lot easier if this world did not require identification everywhere you go. Background checks, references, academic history. None of that was required when I had magic… “You know I am between jobs right now. This place isn’t cheap,” Aria informs me while referencing our shared apartment with her hands.

“I didn’t do anything to get myself fired, Aria,” I respond with anger, rolling my eyes. “I just wasn’t a priority of theirs. They wanted more automatic entertainment, that’s all. I will be looking for a new job soon.” Not that there’s many places willing to hire someone with no background in this world… I fucking hate this place. My life… One would not blame me for thinking of this place as hell, right? The only good things about the human world are the booze and… her. Someone that can take away all my stress with a good time. Even though she is the one that took my magic away from me, I don’t blame her. She was just trying to protect her home like any self-serving mortal… It was my ego that made me think I was unstoppable. I should have had a second plan. Not that it matters now since I’m reduced down to the same level as every other human…

At this point, it’s an impossible dream to return to Equestria. Especially without my magic. All I can do is hope to climb the ladder here and possibly get in a position of power. Even with the limitations on women in this world… At least I have her to provide some entertainment and escape from reality. The one person I’ve been able to escape to during stressful points. To give me just a moment of fun in the face of imminent downfall.

“I don’t earn enough as a waitress to support us myself,” Sonata tells us with a mixture of fear and confusion on her face.

“We know,” both Aria and I reply in annoyed tones. Aria crosses her arms, not offering an idea of how we can fix this situation. The only thing I can do is try to look for any other potential jobs tomorrow. It’s already mid afternoon. Every place is closing by now. The places that are still open are probably out of job openings anyway considering they’re mostly fast food restaurants. Considering how much those positions pay in general, there’s not much of a chance we could afford this place even if I did have one of those jobs.

“This isn’t good, Adagio. How do you expect us to get by exactly?” Aria nags me, making the already bright fire in my heart burn more. The cinders of anger is the only emotion that I can rely on during moments like these…

“Don’t tell me like I’m the one who is solely responsible. You have been out of work for weeks if you can’t recall.” My statement of the truth stuns her into silence, her eyes looking at me as if I am a monster for bringing that up. It’s not some sinful secret though… It’s the truth. If she’s going to get mad at me for losing my job, she should also address the fact that she’s barely been pulling her weight around here. Awfully convenient that she feels comfortable pointing out my own flaws without checking herself.

“How dare you?! I’ve been applying to places every day. I hate working more than anyone, but you know I have been trying,” Aria snarls, walking over to me as if she wants to cause me harm. However, she doesn’t raise her fist or kick her foot towards me. She just stands mere inches away from me as if she is a lion intimidating another to back down. Sonata pulls Aria back, trying to intervene.

“None of us are trying to screw us over. Do you realize how stupid you two sound? The best thing we can do is have our backs,” Sonata reminds us with a more firm tone than I have ever heard her use.

“Maybe if you would use your brain, you’d see how Adagio pointlessly attacked me,” Aria states with a middle finger aimed at me. Sonata’s eyes widen at the gesture. Everything in me wants to slap Aria, but I can just barely hold myself back.

“You don’t have a brain right now, idiot! Why do you always have to be so difficult?” Sonata pushes Aria slightly, her once peaceful attitude now gone.

“You’re so stupid,” Aria complains with a groan, her shoulders slumping. While the two of them argue, I take my chance to walk away. Everything will be a lot better if I just get away from these two for the time being. Then we can come back to this with open minds. A lot less insults. Insults that only prove to kill more of my brain cells. This is so… fucking dumb. It’s like my thoughts are all crashing into each other because I can’t focus on one at a time. First I lose my job, then I have my only two friends yelling at me and each other. I’m so… stressed. “Where are you going?!”

Turning my head to look towards them, I see Aria glaring at me angrily. Sonata also looks a little annoyed that I am so close to the front door. Shrugging, I take a deep breath. As much as I try to formulate my thoughts, it doesn’t exactly work how I would hope. It feels like my brain is just in this fog of overload…

“I’m heading out for the night. I’ll be back by tomorrow. We can talk about this then,” I try to say calmly, but I can’t seem to hide my anger.

“You’re going out? Now? Let me guess. You’re going to spend the night with your glorified sex toy, right?” Aria accuses me with her arms thrown out to her sides. She just called her what…? I… “Sonata and I know about your dirty little secret with her. So, you get fired and you immediately try to get your booty call? Real mature, Dagi…”

Clenching my fist, I can feel my teeth grind against each other. She’s not wrong in her assumption. This relationship has been a glorified sexual release for the both of us, but… Something inside me feels off when she is called something as demeaning as a toy. Even if I have been using her for that purpose.

“We’re friends with benefits. And she has a name,” I barely let out without growling, my throat feeling tight from how hard I have to hold back from yelling.

“Enemy? Satan? The life ruiner?” Sonata asks me, backing up Aria’s distaste for the person I’ve spent a lot of my time with recently. “She took away our magic. Kind of seems counterproductive,” she mentions in a polite yet uncomfortable tone. A small sound like a whimper comes from my throat due to my body instinctively trying to yell. Holding it back is so hard. I would have just yelled at them by now, but… They’re not wrong. I wish I could justify it to myself. Just… Ugh. Grabbing the doorknob, I open the front entrance of our apartment.

“No. Her name is Shimmer.”

Heavy breathing sounds a lot louder in a bedroom of this size. The walls are covered in decorations of rock bands, video games, and pictures of Shimmer and her friends. The only light is a soft orange lamp sitting on the nightstand next to me, perfectly in place to illuminate the woman grinding against me. Her soft skin barely glistens in the soft glow from a layer of sweat. Her eyes are closed as her hands hold onto my bare legs with the might of a god. In a steady rhythm, her body rocks back and forth against my own, her fingers twitching at each jolt of electricity running through us. Her moans fill the room’s four walls, making me feel more alone.

She is having the time of her life, chasing a physical high. A peak that will ultimately end in a crescendo before crashing her back down to reality. However, I do not share that same enthusiasm. No matter how I try to chase after that sweet-as-strawberries orgasm, my body won’t let me get close to that cliff. The edge where all rhyme and reason fade into obscurity. A place that Shimmer is exceptional at pushing me to. This time is different. I feel some of our brazen sexual affair throughout my body, but none of it is exciting. None of it brings me joy. Instead, my thoughts are still a fog. Everything seems so fucking complicated that even something as beautiful as Shimmer’s naked form can’t spark a neuron in my brain.

Instead, I can’t help but watch as she gets closer to that peak. I can’t bring myself to fake a moan because everything feels so fake. So worthless. It’s not like she notices anyway. She’s too into it to realize I have been staring at her for the last ten minutes. Shimmer hugs my left leg as she grinds down harder than before, gently biting into my calf. The way her teeth cling to my flesh would normally send sparks down my spine, but that ember isn’t present here. All I can seem to feel is the burning anger and overwhelming stress clouding my mind. Aria was right. I’m drowning myself in physical pleasures while my life drowns further than it did when I lost my magic. The worst part is that my mind won’t even let me experience these pleasures. I’m just numb to it all…

A small moan escapes Shimmer’s lips as one of her hands braces herself on my stomach. Her eyes finally open, a seductive stare aimed directly at me until it disappears a second later. After making eye contact, she stops moving. Her grip on my body immediately becomes lax. A look of concern spreads across her face, which is almost comical due to her sex-ridden figure.

“Adagio, are you alright? Am I doing something wrong?” she asks in a caring tone. One that almost makes me believe her. Despite her heavy breaths, she acts as if she wasn’t on the brink of pleasure just a second ago. “Are you tired of this position? If you want, I could go down on you?” Clearly, she wants to make me feel good as well. I don’t understand why… It almost makes me wish she actually cares about me. It’s so stupid. This world. My life. I can’t believe I would actually want someone to care. I’m supposed to be above that. I don’t need anyone. I’m supposed to be strong.

“I’m fine,” I whisper in response, trying to persuade her to keep going. She does not budge though. Instead, she gets off of me, resting on her knees in front of me. I feel so bare to have her look down on me like this. It’s only my body that is vulnerable. Not my mind…

“Hey, if you aren’t feeling it, we can do this another time. I’m not going to kick you out for that. It’s okay if you want to stop,” she tries to reassure me, her hand gingerly touching my thigh. Her hand is slow, making sure I am comfortable with the graze of her fingers. “You… can also tell me anything. I won’t judge you for how you feel.” How far I have fallen to think that her touch is almost comforting… I shouldn’t need reassurance. I shouldn’t need any of this. I’m supposed to be strong. Capable. Above mortal desires. But my life just feels like everything is going wrong with no way to prevent it.

“Stop that,” I respond quietly, pushing myself up to sit on the edge of the bed.

“Stop what?” she asks me. Her voice is thoroughly confused, not understanding what I mean in the slightest.

“Stop acting like you care,” I finally state louder, closing my eyes. “I’m your hookup. Your dirty plaything. Why are you acting like feelings matter in our little engagement?” My fist hits the edge of the bed slightly, wondering just why I can’t seem to let go of this stress. Shimmer moves closer to me, sitting on the edge of the bed. I can feel her gaze which I cannot return glued to me. Her hand touches the top of my back, sliding underneath my unfurled hair. Everything in me says that I should shake off her kind gesture, but I can’t quite bring myself to do so.

“No matter the situation, your feelings matter. We all have emotions. It’s not wrong to feel off some days,” she whispers, trying her best to accommodate for boundaries I have not properly communicated. “If something is wrong, I want to help… In any way I can.”

Looking up from the ground, her soft cyan eyes reflect a warm glow. It almost feels like I can trust what she’s saying. But she’s part of the reason I’m so stressed as it is.

“Shimmer, you have no idea how much I hate life. Ever since you took my magic away years ago, it’s just been a constant slide to the worst the human world has to offer.” Shaking my head, I try my best to take a deep breath. Even though I have forgiven her by now, I still wish I hadn’t been reduced to such a mortal shell. A piece of life that feels inevitably useless. “I’m supposed to be strong and powerful, but I can’t seem to stop the few things I have from going wrong. Fuck this,” I whisper, burying my head in my hands. It all feels like I’m racing to the end. I’m not supposed to need validation. Or to be told I’m okay. Then why is it something I can’t help but imagine? I’m supposed to have the plan to get Aria, Sonata and me to a better position. God damn it…

“What is going wrong?” Shimmer asks me quietly, pulling me closer to her with her arm wrapped around me. The mere idea of someone embracing me for comfort makes me feel weak, but… it’s different wih her. For some god forsaken reason, it feels okay. Nice even…

“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe the fact I keep losing jobs in this stupid capitalist world you live in. I keep having fights with Aria and Sonata to the point that it feels like maybe I’m the one dragging them down when I was their leader previously.” Taking a deep breath, I can feel my eyes starting to tear up. I can’t let myself cry… That would be the worst thing I could do here. “Some days, it feels like no tone would care if I’m gone. At least when I had my magic, ponies knew my name and would celebrate my disappearance. Now it feels like I’m barely here. When I had such a big influence previously, that is hard to deal with.” Looking down at the floor, I can’t help but notice my feet directed themselves inward as if I am afraid or nervous. Pathetic… “I’m not supposed to want people to care. I’m a siren. I was the best siren… It wasn’t in my vocabulary to care or be cared for. I hate that this human world has made me feel so many stupid emotions. Things that I was never supposed to feel.”

A silence follows my words, making the bedroom feel eerily solitary. However, Shimmer doesn’t let go of me, insisting to sit beside me for whatever reason. Her hand rubs my shoulder as if I’m some dumb child in need of consoling. Instead, she breathes deeply beside me, coaxing my own breathing in a way.

“Adagio,” she whispers, “no living creature is exempt from emotions. No one is supposed to be strong all the time and forbid themselves from being vulnerable. If you do that, you’re more likely to hurt yourself in the long run.” Shimmer’s hand reaches towards my chin, bringing my gaze towards hers. A welcoming smile almost makes me feel like she likes listening to my pointless speech. “It is okay to want someone to care. It’s normal. We want to matter. You do matter.” Her eyes tell me that she genuinely believes this. That I still matter as some husk of a mortal human even though I surely mattered more when I had power.

My body feels… cold. I feel so alone, even with her arm wrapped around me. Despite how hard I try to hold it back, tears fall down my cheek as the once bright fire of anger in my heart is snuffed out. I’m so stupid for this… I shouldn’t be crying. I shouldn’t be like this. Why am I so emotional today of all days? She’s just my sexual secret, but… why is she making me feel like everything can be alright? She seems so sincere, but I know she doesn’t care for me. Not like that. I just… I… Why does she want to help me?

“Shimmer, can you do something? For me?” I barely ask her, feeling my throat threaten to close. Her eyes widen, nodding almost immediately. “Lie to me…” Her caring features are replaced by a confused expression, making her tilt her head.

“Lie…? About what?” she asks me, still holding me close to her.

“Tell me you love me…” The words leave my mouth, uncaring for how my mind may object to such a request. What is said cannot be taken back… I uttered those words. I just need to explain. “Cross your fingers and tell me you love me. Please. I… I know it’s a lie and I don’t want it to be the truth, but… I want to believe for a second that I’m not alone. That someone could care for me even after all the stuff I have gone through.” The words keep flowing, making me feel worse for thinking of such a request. “I just… I need to hear it. If you want to help, that’s all I want. Nothing more. Nothing less. A simple lie. A lie to make me believe I have a reason to still breathe in this human world.”

Shimmer’s face looks conflicted, her hand still on my shoulder. Though her embrace has not ended, her lips do not utter a single word. Her eyes remain locked with mine, a gaze of pure confusion telling me just how she feels. However, a small smile spreads across her lips after a few seconds. Raising her other hand, Shimmer crosses her fingers in front of me, her eyes now sincere once more.

“I love you, Adagio,” she whispers with a happy smile. Everything about how she says it seems so real except for her hand. It feels so genuine… For a second, it feels like my body is warm and that everything might be okay. It doesn’t last long since I know it is a lie, but… It still meant something. “Stop calling me Shimmer. Please call me Sunset. And… I don’t want you to think of me as some booty call. I really do want to be your friend. If you’d let me.” Sunset’s fingers are no longer crossed, implying she is telling the truth about that part. That still remains to be seen, but I should probably honor her request since she did what I asked…

“Alright… Thank you. Sunset…” For some reason, it feels like something just changed and I’m not sure if I can handle that…