Cross Your Fingers

Chapter III: I Want You

“So, are you in?” Her question is so casual, despite the nature of her request. The windy day makes my hair a nuisance to deal with on my walk back home. The fact that she decided to call me right after work is ironic since I was just thinking about her as well… But that doesn’t make her request any less weird.

“Let me make sure I heard you correctly,” I talk into the phone, continuing down the sidewalk. “Out of all people, you want to have a picnic with me? In the middle of November at that… Why not ask one of your friends?” Over the past couple of weeks, Sunset has asked me to hang out a lot. She would always come up with these fun ideas that seem just a little too… intimate? Of course, I wouldn’t want her to not ask me along… I… I really enjoy her company. I don’t think I can say that out loud, but it’s true.

Every fucking time we talk recently, she makes my heart beat faster by just being herself. Ever since that one night, she has popped into my mind randomly and I can’t stop it. Despite how I may act annoyed, I treasure all the times she has asked me to spend time with her… Why do I have to think about her so much? To enjoy her silly smile and her stupid ideas above anyone else.

I know why… I keep trying to deny it, but… I know why she has enveloped my mind so much. Why I keep wondering how she is doing. I can’t admit that I have emotions like any other creature, but she makes mine run wild with a simple glance. Or whenever she touches my hand… I hate how much my heart beats with her influence. I wish it could be a lot more simple.

“I want to have a picnic with you,” Sunset responds in a somewhat sad tone that I would suggest her reaching out to someone else. I don’t want her to ask someone else, but… these emotions can’t be good for me, can they? The way they have taken over my mind. Would it be better for both of us if I just avoided her a little bit? “And only you. Just you and me with a nice meal and a pleasant conversation. I think it’d be nice. Is that a crime?”

“It’s a crime for me to be seen doing something so human,” I respond while rolling my eyes. Even though I act annoyed, my mind has been reacting happily ever since she asked. I won’t admit that, but… I want to go with her. “Let me look at my schedule,” I respond, knowing damn well I have nothing planned for the rest of the day. After waiting a few seconds, I can almost swear I hear Sunset’s soft breaths on the other end as if she’s anxious to hear my response. If she is looking forward to it that much, wouldn’t it be a real crime to deny her? “Alright, I can attend. What exactly do you want me to bring?” There’s not much I can get anyway with my current paycheck. I’m trying to save up to afford the upcoming bills, but I could maybe bring a couple of sandwiches. That is if Sonata hasn’t used the last of the bread.

“You’ll enjoy it, I promise!” Sunset exclaims excitedly. I can almost visualize her smile now. “You don’t have to bring anything. I have everything under control. Just meet me at the city park, near the west entrance. I’m so excited!” Sunset’s voice is enthusiastic, full of energy at the thought of having a picnic with me. It’s just a simple meal outdoors, but if it is with her, I suppose it could be fun. The problem is that I have absolutely no idea what I would do. Would we just sit around, eating some meal? Or is this something more? Something… No. It’s not worth it to think about a ‘what if’.

“You have asked me to spend time with you a lot over the past couple of weeks,” I whisper into the phone, hoping to hide my skeptical tone. “If you spend this much time with all your friends, you would need eight days in a week.” I… I can’t lie. I’ve enjoyed every second we have spent together. Despite how much my mind bullies myself for showing any kind of emotion, she seems like she actually cares about me for some unknown reason. Even when I think that I am hiding my emotions relatively well, she still clocks how I feel. I don’t get it. She never makes me feel bad for it either. She always says it’s natural to feel sad or happy. Doesn’t she realize I’m supposed to be above all that? Doesn’t she realize I am supposed to be better…? Flawless?

Maybe not… Maybe she sees something that I can’t. Maybe she strips away all of the expectations I uphold because… she doesn’t expect that from me. She doesn’t expect me to be perfect. To be powerful. To be impenetrable. Why? Why in the tartarus would she treat me like any other mortal creature who needs a break? And why do I not mind it? If it was any other damn pony- person… If it was any other person, I would immediately see red at the fact that they decided to treat me like I am one of them. But she’s different. All because of that stupid night where I let my emotions cloud my mind, I can’t stop my heart from beating faster when she is around, hoping for another moment of sincerity above all else. A moment where… maybe I could delude myself again. Maybe she would say those words again. And I can close my eyes, ignoring her crossed fingers.

“Well, yeah… It’s true that I’ve spent more time with you than my other friends,” Sunset admits nervously. “I have just really… really enjoyed your company. But if you don’t want to-”

“I never said that,” I interrupt her, my statement acting as my own self-disclosure. That I too have enjoyed these outings of ours. Blood rushes to my face, a feeling all too familiar of embarrassment and… bliss.

“I’m glad you enjoy my company too,” Sunset whispers, her words trailing off to silence. An uncomfortable amount of quiet passes by, but neither of us know what to say. At least, I assume she feels the same way that I do. Some slight movement on the other end confirms that she has not left the call. “I should probably go for now,” Sunset tells me with a hint of hesitance in her voice. “I have a test for a university class I have to take now. But I will call again before we meet at the park.” At times, I forget that she is even in university. She holds down a job, maintains friendships, keeps up with her apartment and goes to school. All while I can barely keep a job or the apartment I share with two other people. Of course, a big factor of that is the fact that I don’t have any birth certificate or ID. Sunset got hers from making friends with a couple of government officials. She never gave specifics about the process…

“You will do well. I have my fingers crossed for you.” Even though my words are guised under the pretense of luck, the true meaning is far from that…

“I have mine crossed too,” Sunset responds in a quiet but appreciative tone. After a few seconds, I hear the disconnect sound, alerting me that the call has finished. Even though I was using the call as some entertainment from the boring walk home, the truth is that I have been standing on the same street corner for the past few minutes. My hand twitches, almost telling me to dial her number. I can’t though… As much as my mind wants to hear something, I don’t know what that is. Or, more accurately, I want to pretend that I don’t know what I yearn to hear from her…

A car drives past, a gust of wind pushing against me. The phone screen goes black in my hand, but I can’t bring myself to move. The sounds of the city almost seem inaudible compared to the overwhelming silence in my mind. It doesn’t feel real… That I’m standing here. Even though the light signals that it is okay to cross the street, my foot doesn’t move an inch. Everything feels so busy, but nothing is happening. My day is relatively free, but… It feels like there is so much left to do. So many things left to say. I just don’t know what to do. Why does she have to be so kind? Especially to someone like me. I’m supposed to be better than this. Then why does it feel soothing to be treated like an equal instead of a superior? Why can’t I forget the way she sat beside me, running her fingers along my back? Is this some kind of spell? A perk of friendship that she conveniently forgot to tell me? No. Obviously not. As much as I may wish it to be, I am not an idiot. These overwhelming emotions coursing through my heart are not normal. I know what this is, but I don’t want to say it. That would make it true… That would undo hundreds of years of my goals, making me seem fallible. I… I want her…

I can’t say that. Can I?

Sunset and I spread out a blanket under a tree, placed conveniently in its shadow. The bright light of the sun would make it hard for us to eat anywhere else for an extended amount of time. Here is perfect though. Enough shade to give us a cool place to relax. It doesn’t deter bugs, but Sunset brought a weird trap that she claims will take care of that problem. It’s supposed to attract bugs to it more than our food could. To be honest, I am rather impressed at her preparation. I would not have thought of something like that. Then again, I rarely get the opportunity to participate in a picnic. This is the first time I’m taking the idea seriously after all. If anyone else asked me, I would have probably refused.

“Spread out that corner,” Sunset tells me as she methodically evens out the blanket. I don’t understand why, but it’s probably better to just follow along. By the time we get the blanket sorted, Sunset places a basket down. It’s bigger than I was expecting, considering I thought Sunset would pack a couple of sandwiches at most. That appears to be the wrong assumption after all. Sunset sits down on the blanket, patting the side right next to her. “Come on. Don’t be shy~ Sit.” Gently, she reaches inside the basket, pulling out a couple of plates. Sitting down, I quietly help her pull out the contents of the basket. The back of her hand grazes mine… The oddest thing is that I have had sex with her multiple times, but only now have I noticed just how soft her hands are.

Setting down a container, I can’t help but widen my eyes at the sight. I was not expecting for Sunset to bring cherry cheesecake to this picnic… I did not think she would remember that this is my favorite dessert. Have I even mentioned it around her…? Maybe it was during one of those drunken nights? Regardless, the cake itself looks immaculate. Surprisingly, there is no sticker of a bar code either. Did she…

“Where did you buy this stuff?” I ask her with a raised eyebrow, causing the orange lady of mystery to laugh. If she did what I think, then…

“I didn’t buy this. I made it. I had some spare ingredients and I thought maybe it’d be nice to eat something that wasn’t processed at a factory.” Sunset smiles innocently as if the idea of making this food for us isn’t a big deal. In reality, it is a big deal… Not many people have made me a meal. Partially because I don’t trust a lot of people, but still. The fact she wants me to try her food is… honoring. Should I feel honored…? Is this something she does for all of her friends? “What do you want first? Dessert or the main dish? I made some sandwiches with different kinds of meat just in case you don’t like turkey or such. I didn’t know your favorite kind of sandwich.” Yet she knew my favorite dessert… How is she so clueless yet… cute? Why is my heart beating so fast? Despite her awkward demeanor, a part of my mind wants me to reach out and touch her face. This overwhelming desire to be close to her is a new sensation for me. Throughout my long lifetime, never have I felt this way for another living creature. I would usually be disgusted if someone else touched me, but her? It’s almost like I want her to touch me… Why am I being so stupid?

“I think I’d rather have the cake first,” I tell her with a slight pout, pretending like I don’t care. Every part of me cares for some god forsaken reason…

“You don’t want to save the best for last?” Sunset asks me with a laugh, grabbing the container with the cherry cheesecake.

“You’re the best. Not the cake,” I instinctually mutter, an instant blush coming over me. Looking over at her, I see her cheeks are a bright pink now, wide eyes telling me she was not expecting that answer. To be truthful, I don’t even know what I meant by that statement… I just know the cheesecake isn’t the best thing about this moment…

“Are you saying I’m on the menu?” Sunset asks in a flirtatious tone, nudging me with a wink. Despite her insinuation, I was not meaning it in a sexual way. Though, I can see how she came to that conclusion. “Very well. Have it your way,” Sunset teases me as she slices through the cake, setting a slice down on a plate. Handing it to me, Sunset gives me a smile. One that I have seen a lot in the past couple of weeks. “I didn’t know what type of cherries to use, so I just decided to use the same kind as the bakery you told me about.” Sunset takes a bite of her sandwich, the wind blowing through her hair. Honestly, I don’t remember telling her about a bakery. I don’t remember a lot of what happened before we started lying to each other… Many of the nights we spent together were drowned out in alcohol and depression, trying to find just a moment of pleasure before I had to get back to my life. A life that is only worth a damn now of all times.

“You did an amazing job,” I whisper as I take a bite of the cake. The sweet flavor tastes so much richer than any of the store bought cakes I have had before… I can’t tell if it is actually because she used a different recipe or because she was the one that made it. It tastes fresher comparatively… Sweeter. Even though the cake is slightly melted due to the fact that we’re outside, it still feels like heaven in my mouth.

“Thank you. I’m glad you like it,” she responds cheerfully, moving closer to me. “I figured you might like it after a day at work. How is that waitress job working out?” she asks in a genuine curious tone. From others, I might expect rude remarks about a job like this, but she isn’t judgmental in the slightest. Maybe it is because she knows how stressed I was when I lost that club job… I still don’t know what makes her tick. This world has the capability to make me, a powerful siren, feel like I am losing my mind. Yet here she is, still sane. She went through a similar process when she first came to this world. Why is she so hopeful? So kind. Kind enough to lie to my face when I asked her to… To tell me that she loves-

“It’s going well considering what I could be going through,” I respond with a slight shrug, trying to shake my thoughts away. “It’s not the best, but it works. What about your test? How did you score?” A sheepish grin comes across her face as if the memory itself pains her. Taking another bite of her sandwich, Sunset simply looks away from me.

“Eh, 85… Not the worst, but not the best either. I was hoping to get an A on the test,” she mentions with a somewhat downtrodden tone. “But a B is still a good score. Just makes me wonder what exactly I forgot to study.” Sunset’s gaze is locked onto the rest of the park. While the sun shines down on the people around us, I can’t help but think about what is going through her head.

“What class was this test for again?” I ask her not because I’m trying to make conversation, but because I am genuinely interested. From what she has told me, she is taking a variety of classes, covering topics like philosophy of love, advanced algebra, and biology.

“Philosophy,” Sunset whispers with a nod of her head. A moment of silence passes us by, the wind pushing her hair out in front of her temporarily. “Maybe I know more about friendship after all. Maybe,” her eyes connect with my own, a genuine curiosity in her gaze, “I don’t know love as well as I thought…” For a second, it honestly feels like she is trying to tell me something with her eyes alone. I may not be a mind reader, but it’s like she is calling out to me, trying to get me to understand. I wish I could hear a thought… It’s stupid to wish for, but maybe, just maybe, I am thinking the same thing. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to get philosophical on you. Maybe I am learning something in that class after all,” Sunset tells me with a giggle, looking back down at her sandwich.

“I’m sure you know more than I do,” I state as I take another bite of the sweetest cake I’ve had in this world. “I don’t often let people get close to me… I’m not exactly very trusting.” Sunset looks confused at my words, tilting her head as if I had said something in another language.

“Then why are Sonata and Aria your friends? How did they win your trust?” Sunset asks me. Her question, as simple as it may be, causes me to think longer than I care to admit. In all honesty, I don’t quite remember exactly how we had met. I just remember that we all decided to team up when we were young and then we never really split up. Even through hard times like this. I never really thought back on it since there hasn’t really been a need to. If Sonata or Aria did leave my life, I guess I would have a reason, but that hasn’t happened. I hope it never does…

“I don’t remember,” I respond slowly, the words hesitantly spilling out into the fresh air. Wisdom is supposed to come with age, but I don’t feel any wiser since my early years with Sonata and Aria. I have felt stuck a lot longer than I admit. It wasn’t the Battle of the Bands that made me feel trapped. It was the lack of an interesting environment. No opportunities to grow or evolve. Learn new tricks. For some reason, it actually feels different now due to her input… “Regardless, I don’t exactly spend a lot of time getting to know people. You’re the only one right now.” Turning my gaze back to her, I notice that her eyes are locked with my lower face. “What are you-”

“Shh. You have some of the cake on your face,” Sunset responds with a giggle, pointing towards her own cheek. Before I can do anything to remove it, Sunset moves closer, bringing her face within breathing distance of mine. “Hold still. I’ll get it for you.” In a second, Sunset presses her lips against the corner of my mouth. Everything in me freezes as she carefully removes whatever piece of cake is stuck there with her tongue. She’s being so gentle in her approach, but it doesn’t change the fact that I was not expecting this to begin with. I thought she would use her finger, not… Not this…

My heart starts pounding in my ear as my blood feels warmer all of a sudden. Even though I feel confused, every part of me is screaming out for me to turn my head and inch to the left. An inch that would make all the difference… The mere thought of locking my lips with hers is… exhilarating. Why? I’ve kissed her before. We’ve hooked up on dozens of occasions, but now I can’t seem to bring myself to kiss her? Even when everything in me is telling me to just turn my head? Why does it feel so much more intimate now than any of the other times I’ve kissed her? Is it because she was naked before? It was so much easier to kiss her when I was using her for some sort of sexual gratification…

Now, when my heart wants me to kiss her the most, I can’t seem to do it. She is so close, but… I don’t want to take advantage of her anymore. I want her to want to kiss me. It’s so moronic to think that would happen though.

After all, she’s still lying to me…

Pulling away from me, Sunset licks her lip, smiling as if she hadn’t just embraced my face in the most awkward yet intimate way I have experienced. A soft hum comes from the happy pony turned woman. She acts so unashamed, perfectly content in what just occurred. I-I didn’t hate it, but… I figured she would at least acknowledge her little stunt.

“You could have just used your finger,” I respond, bringing my hand to the spot she cleaned. My fingers feel light as I graze my cheek, a surge going through my spine. Every nerve in my body feels like it is on fire, my body attacking me for not taking my chance when I had it. Even if I had a longer window of opportunity, I wouldn’t have forced her to kiss me like that…

“I could have, but I didn’t want to poke and prod at your face. That would just be rude,” Sunset explains with an adorably confident expression. It’s almost too ironic how she doesn’t realize that she basically did that exact same thing with her tongue. “Besides, we’ve had sex multiple times by now. I doubt something like that is any weirder than something we have done already.” She winks at me like she is sharing an inside joke, but the punchline doesn’t quite land with me. The difference between the other times her lips were that close to me and now is the fact that we were taking advantage of each other during those times. Now? This is just a nice day out… No expectations. No using each other for a moment of relief. That by itself makes the act so much more… intimate. “If I made you uncomfortable, I’m sorry. That’s the last thing I would want. I didn’t think it would be that shocking considering what we have done so far.”

“No, it’s fine. I just…” Her cyan eyes are like a pool of wonder. My heart hasn’t slowed down in the slightest, still screaming at me to do something. Anything. Why do I have to feel this way for her…? Why has she come to mean so much to me? Her of all people… No matter how much I try to tell myself that I shouldn’t have these kinds of emotions, my heart still beats faster in her presence. Every time she treats me like this, I think of how much I enjoy it. How much I enjoy being with her… How much I love these moments with her.

How much I love her…

“You just…?” Sunset asks quietly, a genuine curiosity spread across her face. Even if I said those words, she’d just lie to me again. I shouldn’t have made her cross her fingers weeks ago. It just makes it so much harder to admit what I want to say… To admit how much she means to me.

“I…” Do I have a right to say that? To tell her how she’s been on my mind? Especially after all the time I vented to her about how I shouldn’t be emotional. I made her lie on my behalf, all because I wanted to believe for a moment that someone would feel something other than hate for me. For me to be the one to go back on that lie is hypocritical. Isn’t it? Or would she appreciate the honesty? That, for once, I am letting myself be honest. “I want you…”

A surprised expression dawns on her, widening her eyes at my statement. A blush tints her cheeks, seemingly unaware of what to say. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that… From the way she stares, I can tell that she doesn’t know what to do. That is until a look of realization comes across her features.

“Ah, I see. Well, it has been a while, hasn’t it?” Sunset asks me cheekily, nudging me. “After we get done here, we can go back to my place and… have some fun~ Does that sound okay?” Sunset gives me a flirtatious stare, her hand touching mine in a gentle yet firm way. My words have been misinterpreted, but…

Maybe that is for the best.