Chapters The New Diary of John, the Least Interesting Stallion in Equestria.
A New Page, of A New Diary
Saturday, October 13, 2013
Dear New Diary,
Hello. It is very nice to have you (I shall refrain from speaking with you too much, you know - you are after all only a book. This opening paragraph is, of course, for introductory purposes only and will not be repeated). My name is John. I am a very simple pony. I do not enjoy excitement or adventure. I do not enjoy romance or drama. I do not enjoy adventures or stress. I simply enjoy life as it is (it is quite exciting enough without the need to tangle it anymore, you know). My days consist of manuals, tea, crackers, oatmeal and (sometimes, if I am feeling adventerous enough) strolls in the park. I used to own a different diary. In fact, it is sitting up on my shelf right now. I have read through it a few times and I must say, I look forward to a better series of entries in this book (this is nothing against my old diary, mind you - I am simply... ...less-than-fond... ...of all the insane adventures which were present in my other diary. They were far too reckless for my tastes, thank you very much).
...
...Oh dear. I have lost my train of thought. Excuse me while I re-read what I have written so far. It is not like me to do this, you know, but I have to find out what I was about to write. Excuse me...
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...Ah. Yes. Now I know where I was at. My apologies for the distraction.
It has been a year since I last wrote in a diary. I must say, I missed the feeling. That is not to say that I have much reason to be excited, of course. The year which has passed recently was quite nice and bland, with nothing much having happened and everything little having happened (by this I mean to say that last year was pleasantly bland). I have just woken up and taken care of my morning routine, and am now writing this as I eat a nice bowl of oatmeal and drink some plain tea to go with it. It is very refreshing, to be sure...
...
Oh, hold on...
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My goodness. I am out of oat meal. That will simply not do. I shall have to purchase it after I open up shop today. Well, since I have nothing more to do before I open up my store in an hour, I suppose I ought to take some time to read, and so I shall.
Oh dear. I cannot find my E.S. 000 manual. Good heavens, where did I put it last? This is most out-of-character for me, I assure you. I am not normally like this. If you'll excuse me, I shall proceed to look for it. Dear me.
Where is it, I wonder?
Well, I suppose I shall have to find it after work today. It is now time to open up the shop. Goodbye for now. I will return after my work is done.
Oh my word. It is terrifying. It is distressing. It is most horrible and awful. My store has been robbed.
!
I apologize for that, but you see: I only write exclamation points when I am terribly distressed and, of course, I am in fact terribly distressed at the moment. Half of my manuals are missing. My inventory, gone. Just like that. I do not know how they were stolen, either. The store showed no signs of having been broken in, and my silent alarm did not go off, so I have no clue as to how a thief would do such a task.
For that matter, I do not know why anypony would want to steal my manuals, either. Strictly speaking, of course, I do not behave like most ponies. I am very calm, collected, and (in the opinions of most others) very boring. Why anypony would want so many appliance manuals is beyond me.
Good heavens, you must have no clue what I am talking about. Let me start over: I sell appliance manuals for a living, you see. I admit that it is not the most exciting job, but I am a very un-exciting pony, thank you very much, and I do not care for reckless things or busy-body type nonesense. I am fine with my tea and oatmeal, thank you very much.
But now half of my entire inventory is missing. I contacted the police right away, of course, and reported the issue immediately. I do hope that the culprit is apprehended immediately.
Still, I am very confused...
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...why in Equestria would anypony want to steal that many manuals? It simply does not make much sense. Unless somepony had a desperate need for the inner workings of three ceiling fans, a dozen or so waffle makers, ten sinks, seven dishwashers, two garbage disposals, five air conditioners, eight ovens, four toasters, eleven micro-waves, six coffee makers, nine humidifiers, and a drier/washing machine combo, I see no reason to commit such an unusual (and distressing) crime. Then again, I do not see the need to commit any crimes. It is quite unreasonable and unruly to be so atrociously against the law.
Oh dear, how I wish these things did not happen to me. I suppose that I should calm down, though. Yes. I shall do that. I shall prepare for bed and go to sleep.
Oh good news. Excellent news. In fact, the best news of the day. I have found the manual for the E.S. 000. It was underneath my pillow the whole time. I am very relieved to have found it, and now I can continue reading through it again. I would never give this book up for the world, you know. It is so nice to have it and to be able to read it. The way it explains things, the diagrams, and the detailed instructions is quite nice. I would even venture to say it is rather pleasant.
Well, regardless of how downright awful today was, I am glad that it ended on a happier note. I look foreward to many more good days with my new diary.
Speaking of which, it is time for me to wrap up my entry for today.
Goodnight, Diary.
Sincerely,
John
P.S. I have just remembered - I forgot to purchase oatmeal today. Goodness me. I shall make myself a note to do that. It is not normal of me to forget such things. I have forgotten to write down a note simply due to the shockingly large event which transpired earlier today (my store being robbed, of course).
P.P.S. I do not generally write P.S. in my diary entries. These are rare and will not be a bother, I assure you...
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P.P.P.S. My apologies once again, but I must say that I am sorry for talking to you. You are, in fact, a book. You are a collection of papers bound together witha cover and, therefore, inanimate. I should remember to not have conversations with you in the future.
The New Diary of John, the Least Interesting Stallion in Equestria.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Dear Diary,
Today was a horrid day; I simply cannot explain how terrible it was. But I do suppose I must try… I was awoken by a horribly loud knock on my front door, might I add that it was rather early. I had no other choice than to make my way to the door and find out who could be causing such madness at this time. When I opened my door, to my surprise, was a police officer. The officer pointed to a carriage where a rather dirty looking fellow sat, and told me my manuals had been found and moved to my store. Well, I must admit I was rather happy and almost cheered. But I decided it would be far too exciting for such an early time in the day so I simply thanked him and he left.
It soon hit me, I had nothing to do. Since I cannot go back to sleep after waking up (that’s for too reckless for me), so what was I to do? Well, I attempted to continue with my morning chores.
Sadly, after much attempt I could not do it until my usual ‘wake up’ time. When it reached 7:00 on the nose, so to speak, I went and tried to finish my chores. But, when I was about to make my bed I felt something was far out of placed…
…
I noticed it when I finished making my bed, on my bed spread there was a horrifically large brown stain. I could not believe my eyes; I had stained my bed while drinking a spot of tea. Well, as you can guess, I went off to my laundry room to attempt to clean my bed spread…
There was no electricity running to my washer, meaning I could not clean my dirtied bed spread. So, I did the most exciting thing I’ve done within the past month…
I cleaned my bed spread by hoof (I’m truly sorry for doing such a reckless and exciting thing, and I will avoid such things for the rest of my life). After one full hour of scrubbing and sanitizing my bed spread I was finally done. All I had to do was let it dry, but, while walking I spotted my clock. It read “1 o’clock”; I had literally seconds to get to my store.
I quickly hung my bed spread and got ready to make my way to my store. I then realized I didn’t brush my teeth, I simply could not go to my shop with un-cleaned teeth. So as quickly and thoroughly as I could I brushed. It was time to make my way to my store…
When I arrived I was both disappointed and overjoyed (I cannot explain the feeling, it’s far too hard). I was disappointed because I was late by a whopping 5 minutes, my worst time ever! Oh, I do apologize I used a “!” out of sheer anger. I will try to never do such a reckless thing as long as I live. But even with being late, I had to be happy. My manuals were all there, I triple checked to make sure everything was there. I was in the middle of my 5th check when Ms. Hooves stepped in…
“Three ceiling fans, a dozen or so waffle makers, ten sinks, seven dishwashers, two garbage disposals, five air conditioners, eight ovens, four toasters, eleven micro-waves, six coffee makers, nine humidifiers, and a drier/washing machine combo.
Yes, it seems I have received all my manuals…”
“Good morning John, I have some important information to tell you” she said, sounding a bit distressed. I knew Miss. Hooves would have a good reason to come over, so I figured my manuals could wait. Well, I must say, she did, in fact have a great cause to interrupt me.
“Of course Miss. Hooves, would you like some tea to discuss your topic?” I replied
“Yes John that would be lovely” she said as I led her to my back room…
When we finished, I was surprised. Not in a good or bad way, just genuinely surprised. She told me she had spotted my brother, Andrew wandering around Ponyville attempting to find me. I didn’t know want to do so I simply thanked her and thought about how I would overcome my… stressing situation. Sadly, nothing came to mind.
When I reached home I immediately went upstairs and started writing this… Which leads me to my current time, its 9:05, I’m already 5 minutes past my curfew. I think its best I ‘hit the hay’, so to speak. Goodnight Diary.
Sincerely,
John.
Oh, diary I do apologize but I have something very important to tell you. Well, when I went to put you away I heard a knocking at my door. I assumed it would be the cop telling me how the colt broken into my store, but to greater surprise it was my brother Andrew. One thing was off about his appearance though, his eyes were lowered in a rather silly position and he had a ‘interesting’ grin. Not to mention his breath reeked of Apple Cider.
“Hey man, so sleepy right?” and right then and there he passed. Without any idea of what to do I simply closed the door and went upstairs to sleep. I know it was a bit harsh to do that, but I just do not seem to have the strength to help him. I do apologize for writing beyond my limit. Good Night Diary.
Sincerely,
John
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The New Diary of John, the Least Interesting Stallion in Equestria.
In Which I Lose One of My Favorite Things, Only to be Replaced
Saturday, October 18, 2013
Dear Diary,
Today to my likeliness was a surprisingly normal day, of course there was the letter I received from my brother but I’ll tell you about that later. I woke up, did my chores and ate breakfast. I had until 1:00 pm until I opened up my shop, so I had a tremendous amount of time to kill (like those reckless modern day ponies say). I decided to go to the park and enjoy the lovely sunshine. I trotted to the park and almost sat down on a piece of flavored chewing gum, my word, how can some ponies be that rude. I moved away from the tainted bench and sat down on a lovely, clean bench. I pulled out my favorite manual, the E.S. 000. I opened it and read, My heart did a leap at the part where it say to insert piece A into piece B by first plugging part C into your water line. Pretty exciting, isn’t it? Wait, I’m asking a Diary a question. I am deeply sorry for trying to talk to you Diary sense you’re not a live thing. Oh, I am sorry for saying you are not a living thing, I am only speaking the truth. My word, this madness simply must stop!
When I finished the reading the manual, I still had 3 hours until my shop was to be opened. So, I decided to have some tea and crackers at my home. When I got home I made one cup of tea and delicious crackers. Mmmm, I could go for some tea right now but it’s far too late to have a cup of tea. I simply must stop thinking about it. When I finished my tea and crackers I started to make my way to manual store. At the store, I wasn’t the least bit surprised that half my manuals were still missing. I sold about 3 manuals, 1 blender, 1 heater and sadly the E.S. 000 manual. It was hard for me to sell the E.S. 000 manual, and even though I said in my last entry I would never do such a thing, but I couldn’t turn down a customer like that. But, I promise to myself that I will one day find that manual and read it one more time.
On my commute home I decided to go to the library to get a book on foreign teas, exciting isn’t it? When I entered the library I saw Miss Twilight Sparkle running around the library putting various books into different spots.
She slowed down, “Oh, hey John”
“Good Afternoon Miss Twilight, may I have a book on foreign teas?”
“Sure John, here we go” she levitated a book to me
“Thank you Miss Sparkle, might I ask what are you doing?”
“Cleaning day, John sorry to ask, but can you help me clean the library? I’ll let you keep that book forever.”
Miss Sparkle is such a generous pony, very kind of her.
“Of course Miss Twilight, what do you need me to attend to?”
“Can you restock those books over there?” She said as she pointed to a pile of books.
“With pleasure, Miss Sparkle.”
“Thanks John”
After about one hour of helping Miss Twilight Sparkle, I finally finished and went home with me new book. I was extremely excited, Oh my, I apologize for using such horrible words, forgive me. But in my defense, Foreign Teas for Eggheads, as it’s formally called, is such an interesting book I couldn’t contain myself.
When I arrived home, I read chapter one of my book “Standard Teas”. My goodness that chapter was almost as good as the E.S. 000 manual in whole. Well, I think I should get some sleep. Goodnight Diary.
Sincerely,
John
