Zen and the Art of Horizontal Refreshment

Author note: I now realize that making this story first person Celestia was a mistake, so rather than fix earlier chapters, just assume that Twilight messed up a spell or something and so now the narrative is third person. *~MAGIC~*

"It's very simple," Celestia began, "when a pony wishes for a foal, they simply submit this form."

Celestia levitated a scroll from the desk in the entrance room, suspending it in front of Luna.

Luna read the title aloud, "'Form 8893-B: Request for redress of typographic error'? This is the form the bureaucracy used to give to ponies when their deed had a typo!"

"Yes," Celestia replied, "Well we can't have such a sensitive topic out in the open! Don't worry, everypony learns the use of the paperwork in grade school sex ed."

Luna giggled a bit and snorted. "You kept sex ed in schools? Why? You said nopony could get it up! What do you even cover besides paperwork?"

Celestia rolled her eyes and replied, "Lots of things! There's also...also..." She trailed off for a moment before steeling herself and continuing, "fine, it's entirely about paperwork."

Luna struggled to contain a smirk and failed. "So how do you even use this form to request your...services?"

Celestia narrowed her eyes and motioned with her horn to the last item in a long list of checkboxes.

Luna read it aloud, "'Typographic correction of a birth certificate'? How does that even make sense?" Luna grinned widely. "How is you fucking a mare a 'typographic correction'"?

Celestia gasped and stepped back. "Luna, language!"

"Sorry, but still..."

"Well, before a pony files the form, the birth certificate they want is blank and also doesn't exist, and so, we're just...correcting that."

"Tia, I still don't understand how you can be so uptight about sex when when you've had so much of it."

Celestia eyes lit up and she trotted in place giddily. "Oh, that's the best part! I don't actually have to remember any of it!"

Luna's expression went blank. "What."

"Yes, to keep this place and what goes on secret, there is a memory erasure charm you pass on the way out, and whenever I head back up, and let my guard down and it erases me along with the unfortunate filly."

"Again, what."

"What's the problem?"

"'What's the problem?' 'WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?' You've had sex with tens of thousands of mares and don't even remember any of it!?" Luna's eyes glinted. "You had all that sex and you ERASED it all!?" she bellowed.

"Luna, I--"

"I was trapped in the moon for a thousand years with nothing to keep me company but my hooves and particularly narrow rocks, and meanwhile you're banging every mare in the kingdom (which you never let ME do) and you don't even store the result in your BRAIN?"

Celestia stepped forward to try to calm her sister. "Luna--"

Her eyes darted wildly. "It's a travesty! It's unfair! It's a--a--" Luna slumped onto her haunches, cast her eyes to the floor, and whispered, "It's a...waste."

"Luna, you must know I am truly sorry." Celestia thought for a moment, her eyes lighting up. "But now you're back! We can end all this and go back to the way things were!"

Luna looked up at her sister hopefully. "How?"

"I've been thinking about it ever since you returned. When ponies submit the form, instead of winding up down here with me, you can just go to the lucky couple and work your magic!"

"Really?" Her eyes widened as a broad, innocent smile crossed her lips. "I could make ponies fuck again? And you won't get all weird about it?"

"Luna, I promise you that I will...just not pay attention."

Luna opened her mouth to argue for a moment, but then thought better of it. "Good enough for me! And eventually we can do away with the form...right?"

"Of course, this is just to transition cleanly."

"So who do I need to talk to so I can start receiving those forms? I assume it's the chief of court administration, no?"

"No, actually..." Celestia grimaced and looked widely around the room.

Luna's expression went blank again. "What is it now?"

"Well...for this role, I needed a pony of discretion. A pony with a highly trained sense of organization. A pony who would never let me down no matter what. A pony renowned for her attention to detail. A pony eternally loyal to Equestria..."

Luna grinned. "You don't mean...?"

"Yes, my personal student, leader of the elements of harmony, and your savior from the Nightmare...Twilight Sparkle is---"

"CHIEF OF ALL FUCKING!!!" Luna barked before crumpling onto the floor in uncontrollable laughter. Burying her head in her hooves, her laughter was punctuated by exclamations. "BARON OF BOINKING!--CAPTAIN OF COITUS!--ORGANIZER OF ORGASMS!--"

Celestia patiently waited. "Go on, Luna. Get it all out of your system..."

"DIRECTOR OF DICKING!--PRESIDENT OF PRINCESS PENIS!--" Luna doubled over in hysterics. Her laughter ceased to be audible, as she silently bounced up and down with her head in her hooves. Celestia continued to wait. Finally, Luna's laughter wound down, and she struggled to catch her breath.

"Finished?" Celestia asked.

Luna breathed deeply and composed herself. "Almost. All joking aside, there's just one more question."

"What's that?"

"Well," Luna observed adroitly, "if Twilight Sparkle is arranging these meetings for you..."

"Yes?" Celestia leaned forward.

"Doesn't that make her..."

"Yes?"

"your...ROYAL PIMP?" Luna rolled onto her back, giggling uncontrollably.

Celestia breathed in deeply and let out a long, world-weary sigh. She glanced up toward the ceiling, toward the moon beyond, then back to her sister, who was now rolling onto her side, chortling incoherently. "When you're quite done, I shall make preparations for you to meet with Twilight, and then we will never speak of this again!"