Zen and the Art of Horizontal Refreshment

Luna glided effortlessly across the afternoon sky, basking in the feeling of warm sunlight against her wings. She banked slightly to continue on course to Ponyville, where Celestia had arranged for her to meet with Twilight in her library. She could make out ponies trotting about town on the ground below. Hoping to avoid a royal welcome, she angled down sharply toward the library, and with a great flap of her wings, ceased her descent and landed noiselessly in front of the door. She knocked gingerly on it twice.

Before had her hoof even returned to ground, the door swung open immediately, revealing a purple unicorn mare with a wide smile.

"Welcome, Princess Luna! Come in! Princess Celestia said you'd be stopping by! No big deal, huh! Just dropping by!" Her eyes darted around excitedly.

"Thank you, Twilight." Luna bowed her head and entered the door. She spotted a young dragon munching on a bowl of what looked to be obsidian shards. "Hello, Spike."

"Hi, Princess Luna!" replied the dragon, bits of volcanic glass falling to the ground.

"Spike, don't talk with your mouth full!" said Twilight.

Spike hurriedly swallowed and mumbled an apology.

Twilight led Luna to a small reading table at the far end of the room. "So, what brings you by?" she asked with a nervous chuckle.

"Twilight, I want to talk to you about your responsibilities to my sister." said Luna.

"Oh, uh, what about them?"

Luna paused. She had to handle this delicately...she didn't want to shatter Twilight's innocence with careless talk. "I'd like to discuss your handing of certain...paper work."

Twilight eyes went even wider. This is going to be so weird! Weird weird weird weird weird! The word marched through her head as she replied. "Oh?"

"Yes, I can't imagine what you must think goes on with Celestia down there or even...even how the world really works."

"Err--" Twilight squirmed.

Luna continued, "It's tragic, really, a young pony like yourself utterly ignorant of the beauty and mystique of her own body!"

"Well, uh..." Twilight chuckled nervously.

"O! What an innocent, pure vision of the world you must have!"

"Ha...ha...actually--"

"Never to have felt heat in your loins or lust in your heart!" opined Luna.

Twilight's blushed a deep red, visible even under her coat. "Well--"

"Never to have sampled the hard body of a stallion..." continued Luna.

Twilight's eyes snapped to the ground, remembering such a hard body on top of her own, sounds of passion filling the room, frenzied, guttural, desperate, needful grunting, ending in a passionate, satisfied Eeyup! She shook the memory out of her mind.

"...or even the supple curve of another mare." said Luna, casting her eyes hopefully skyward.

Another memory came to Twilight unbidden, this one of a cyan muzzle caressing her neck and an orange hoof tracing little circles on her chest, while her own hoof caressed the pink, frizzy mane of the mare going down between her---

Twilight was shaken from her reverie by a hoof on her shoulder. Luna bellowed, "Do you even know the true purpose of your marehood?"

Twilight sunk into her chair, blushing well into the infrared.

Luna continued melodramatically, "Such a travesty! Fair Twilight, we must sweep aside your innocence, for that is the cost of opening you and the rest of pony kind to a new world! A world both strange and divine, with untold pleasures and mysteries. A world of...of....of...." Luna searched for the right poetic word.

Twilight, full to bursting with embarrassment, supplied it. "FUCKING!" she shouted in exasperation.

Luna, stunned, fell back onto her haunches at the outburst. Spike looked up quizzically from his bowl. A deep silence fell over the library.

Twilight squished Luna's face in her hooves and stared into her eyes as she shouted clearly and deliberately, "WE ALREADY KNOW ABOUT FUCKING!"

Luna's face scrunched up as she tried to process this. Seconds passed in silence, before Luna constructed her reply: "What?"

Spike piped up from across the room, "Yeah, what's 'fucking'?"

Twilight looked over in shock, realizing what she had blurted out. "Nothing, Spike! It's nothing! And don't use that word! ...because it's nothing!"

Luna leaned in and spoke quietly. "Oh, it's something all right..." She looked Twilight in the eye, awaiting a reply.

Twilight sheepishly directed her attention down at the floor and kicked the ground. "I'm--I'm sorry. We don't talk about it in public...and I definitely can't talk about it in front of Spike."

"And why shouldn't he know about sex?" Luna asked, indignantly.

"Because he's a baby dragon. A baby dragon! Dragons live so long, he won't hit puberty for another 20 years!"

"Oh...right." Luna's indignance faded and she turned to the more pressing matter. "I still need answers! How do you know about sex? Who else knows? Why doesn't my sister know you know? How are you doing it? Are you doing it right? Are you having fun? Can I join you?"

Twilight opened her mouth to reply, but was interrupted again when Luna grabbed her and hissed, "Wait! Have you been spying on Tia's secret underground sex dungeon!?"

"No! And it's not a dungeon!"

"Aha! I knew it! How would you know what it is?"

"Simple! Because I've been there a lot."

Luna's stared, mouth agape.

"Not like that!"

"What are you guys talking about?" asked Spike.

The two mares shot him identical reproachful looks and shouted in unison, "Nothing!"

Turning back to Luna, Twilight continued. "Look, I can explain everything...just not here. Come to the Aloe & Lotus Spa tonight...I'll meet you at the bar."

"The spa has a bar?"

"Yeah, it's a-- just trust me. I promise nobody's doing anything wrong, it's just...complicated. I can show you everything there."

Luna narrowed her eyes, stood up, and adopted a regal air. "Very well, Twilight Sparkle. My sister trusts you, and so too shall I, for now. We shall meet at the spa come nightfall."

Impatient at getting more questions than answers, Luna closed her eyes and teleported to Canterlot in a flash.

Twilight blinked. "That went...about as well as I predicted! Spike, cross off 'bizarre conversation with Luna' from today's checklist! What's the next item, my number one assistant?"

"'Review and adjust secret plan for Luna', whatever that is."

Twilight grinned. "You'll understand when you're older, Spike."