Hands and Hooves Day

Friday.

Oh, how Anon loved Fridays. Fridays were the best. He got to come home from work, sit down, and then spend his entire weekend doing nothing but think about how much he wished Monday would never come.

"Anon! Just open the door!" called a muffled, feminine voice.

The forlorn human sighed before responding, "Yeah - in a minute, you purple brainstorm!"

Anon flung himself back in his desk chair and lifted a finger, despite nobody being around to see it. "Twilight, these walls are almost as thin as your chances of getting laid this century. What if I was busy with 'Anon Time' or something?"

"Anon, please don't make this weird."

Yep. He was living the life. Positively splendid.

Okay, he was being a little dramatic. And perhaps just a tiny bit sarcastic. If he was being honest with himself, he had life pretty damn good, living here amongst all these little pastel ponies.

To make a long story short - around a year ago, Anon had been relaxing in his room, just browsing on his computer. He'd had a pretty rough time at his job that day, from what he remembered.

Anyway, he had only so much as blinked, and the next thing he knew, the majority of his bedroom had been seemingly ripped from his home and dumped in the middle of a field, with him still sitting at his desk like a moron.

He had been found by a small, alien-looking pink equine creature, who promptly screamed before bolting away and then returning with a slightly taller equine. The blatant sapience written across their features was the first of many pieces of shrapnel to become lodged in his brain over the course of the next few hours.

This slightly taller creature made itself known as Twilight Sparkle, the ruler of the land upon which he had been plopped.

As one might expect, he freaked out at first, believing himself to either be dreaming or hallucinating something fierce, and so he promptly ran up to the purple unicorn thing and mashed the features of her face with his hands. As one would do in that situation.

After thusly experiencing the power of magic first-hand, he calmed down somewhat and eventually worked with these 'ponies' - as she had insisted they were called - to get himself situated and start a new life.

Not like he had much of a choice in the matter.

For many people, these circumstances may have been a blessing. But not for Anon.

He had left behind a loving family and a successful career - a fact that haunted his steps and nipped at his heels every time he lumbered through the town's many cobbled streets.

But he managed, and wound up with his new pony friends literally building an entire house around his room, after it had been teleported into the local town.

... Yeah, this was all probably just a coma dream or something. Or maybe not. Whatever.

Regardless, he had scored himself a cute little house on the outskirts of town, sitting just down the road from the town's centre - he certainly wasn't going to complain about free stuff. But he still couldn't shake the odd feeling he got when he looked down at himself in the open light of day.

The town's name was 'Ponyville'. Anon still rolled his eyes every time he heard the word. Twilight had responded excitedly when he announced that he came from 'Humanville', but he was only able to keep that one up for a few weeks before she found out.

Oh well. Worth a try.

"Anon, it's important! You can't stay cooped up in there forever..." meweled Twilight, once again tearing him back to the present.

Anon groaned, slumping in his desk chair and flipping on his computer, doing his utmost to block out the noise.

Turns out that little purple leader horse was pretty smart, and had managed to get his electronics working through some kind of carefully-monitored magical, electric inputs... Or something like that. She had worked on it for many careful days before making a breakthrough; but ultimately, she was far more excited about it than he was.

In fact, he almost wished he'd elected to destroy the thing before she ever got her hooves on it in the first place.

He had quickly discovered this world's seeming lack of true crime and violence, as well as its excessively happy environment, and while it was nice...

Anon shook his head. It was Friday - there were better things to think about right now.

Speaking of which, this wasn't just any old Friday. It was Valentine's Day weekend. Or, as the ponies liked to call it, 'Hearts and Hooves Day' weekend. The fact that they had alternative versions of most holidays from his home world still utterly bewildered him.

If he was being honest, he was not looking forward to the holiday. Not at all.

Valentine's had never been a friendly time for singles back on Earth, and he figured the exact same would apply here. In fact, the holiday had sucked back on Earth even whenever he wasn't single.

It's not that he wasn't interested in dating, or anything like that. He'd been in magical pony world for just shy of a year now, and could easily admit that he found the vast majority of the local mares easy on the eyes. Oddly easy on the eyes, actually. At least, compared to how picky he was back home.

Since these 'ponies' looked nothing like any creature he had seen before, perhaps the allure of the exotic pervaded all dimensions.

In truth, he didn't really know or care. He wanted love and companionship, and was more than fine to accept a mare for that. It was as simple as that, really. But...

Anon found his gaze drifting to the shadowy space lingering beneath his bed.

He sighed and rubbed his temples, telling himself he just needed to be patient. He was an alien, so it was obvious that he would have a hard time finding love; he'd had a hard time fitting in at all. Finding something real had been an impossible task even back home, so what was the point in trying particularly hard here?

"Anon!"

A final booming knock at the door pushed Anon to his limit, and so he hopped to his feet and stormed over to answer it.

To his dismay, he was greeted with the expected tiny purple sperg-ball waiting for him on the other side of the thick, oaken door. How could a door so thick be so utterly useless at keeping the noise out?

Neither of the two said anything at first, allowing a silence to bounce between the pair in a rapidly intensifying game of chicken.

"Hey, Anon!" Twilight chirped after twenty full seconds of silence, almost granting the man airtime. Anon quickly settled down and inwardly grinned to himself in victory.

"'Sup, nerd?" replied Anon, leaning against his doorframe. Twilight responded by looking down and scuffing a hoof on the dirt paving outside his door. Anon cocked an eyebrow at this. "Uh, you alright there, Spergle? You were awful confident in rapping on my door for the past ten minutes."

Anon's brow retreated back to its home upon her reply. "Ugh, Anon... You know how I feel about those nicknames. I'm still your princess, you know!"

"Sorry, shortstack." Twilight gritted her teeth and puffed her chest in an effort to stand as tall as possible, but Anon pretended not to notice. "So, what brings you here? I'm not selling any human textbook subscription services just yet."

Twilight stretched even taller and her eyes mimicked her namesake. "Y-Yet...?!"

"No, Twilight. Joke, Twilight. Here," said Anon, beckoning her inside, "come inside so I can help cure you of your autism." He meandered into his kitchen and Twilight visibly deflated.

She remained by the door and instead leaned to look inside. "Oh, no no, it's fine. I was only here for a quick visit... Besides, you can't cure-" Her eyes widened in alarm.

Anon walked back through from his kitchen into the hall, holding a large wooden chopping board. Her eyes somehow gained an even greater diameter when she noticed him slapping it against his palm like a paddle.

"It's alright, Cap. This'll only take a second. C'mere," said Anon, with a restrained grin. Twilight scrambled away from him and stumbled over the ridge of the adjacent cobblestone path.

Upon gracefully landing on her back, she flailed her legs for a moment before blinking herself back to her hooves with a flash of her horn. Anon couldn't help but bust out in a belly-laugh.

With her cheeks blazing in embarassment, Twilight stomped her front hooves together like a veteran soldier and glared up at him without lifting her chin.

What was she trying to do, kill him with sudden-onset diabetes?

"Anon!" Her shout was enough to calm his laughter and have him place the makeshift paddle down. "I came here to give you something nice. Would it hurt you to just not goof around for a couple minutes?"

Anon rubbed at his shoulder and sucked in a sharp breath with a wince. "Eesh, I-I don't know, Twilight. I have a pretty low pain tolera-"

"-Anon," growled Twilight. The dangerous tone of her voice caused the human to push his palms through the air towards her in surrender.

"Alright, alright. What do you have for me?"

Twilight took a breath. "As you know, Hearts and Hooves Day is coming up on Sunday. So, I just wanted to know if you have any plans for it."

Silence once again dominated their small slice of rural ponyland, until Anon smacked his lips and cupped a finger and thumb beneath his chin. "... Are you hittin' on me, Sprinkles?"

Twilight gasped in alarm and began not only shaking her head, but wafting her hoof before her chin as well. "No no no no no no no no, absolutely not!"

Anon inwardly breathed a sigh of relief and said, "What's that supposed to mean?!"

"Well it's just that I'm the princess, and I have duties, so I'm busy all the time; I have so much to do that I wouldn't be able to do my due diligence as anypony's marefriend right now, and-"

"-I get it, Twilight. Yes, that makes sense, so please don't keep trying to explain it to me further." He went quiet for a moment and raised his eyebrows, as though daring her to try. She pursed her lips and stared him in the eye. He sighed and slumped back against his doorframe. "That's one way to make a guy feel rejected without him even confessing anything, Nerdle. You truly are a pioneer."

Twilight deadpanned and opened her mouth to reply, but before any sound could come out, Anon continued, "So was that my gift?" The drone of his voice spurred Twilight to clear her throat.

"Actually, no," stated Twilight. Anon screamed internally. "I came to let you know that there's a speed-dating event going on tomorrow at the Bowl 'n Bowl."

"Okay, cool - I don't car-"

"-And that I already signed you up for it on your behalf. As your princess." Anon's death glare was met with the most punchably smug expression he had ever seen on a technicolour pony. "It's designed for participants to find a match and then plan a date for the following day - Hearts and Hooves Day. We have the event every year, you see."

Twilight's tone of voice almost brought out Anon's inner strangler, but he decided to spare her lithe neck for now. He growled and then shouted, "MAN there are so many words I want to call you right now that you wouldn't even understand, you little purple pr..." His caged profanity turned to a grunt. "Why would you do this to me?!"

"You're welcome," chirped Twilight. Anon's eye twitched. "Did you forget that your 'bros' are my personal guards? I know how much you want a marefriend; so, as your princess and your friend, I figured I'd help you out." As Twilight struck a subtle pose, Anon felt an extremely heavy straw scrape along the ridges of his spine.

Those stallions were as good as dead.

"Besides," she continued, "I know you'd sign up for it anyway if I just told you about it, so I saved you the trouble. I knew you wouldn't have any plans already."

"Yeah, right." Anon folded his arms and sighed.

"I know I am."

"So what am I supposed to do?" asked Anon. "Besides not showing up, of course, what with all those other plans I have and all."

Twilight rolled her eyes. "All you need to do is go to the event, dressed as nicely as you can..." She looked him up and down and cringed.

Anon tsked and tapped his fingers to his hips. "Don't deck the slacks, yo."

Twilight looked off to the side, bringing a hoof to her temple before slowly pulling it away from her head with a bewildered expression. "Anon," she hissed. "What does that even mean?!"

Anon sniffed and casually flicked his eyebrows at her in reply.

Twilight sighed and watched a distant pony load some melons onto a cart. Those were big melons... Anon followed her gaze before snapping his fingers in front of her face. She blinked owlishly and then said, "Uh, look. Just show up and try to be normal. Mingle, and show those mares the kindness I know is in there somewhere. I've seen it in you before."

Anon groaned. "Whatever. Don't you have princess crap to go and do now?"

"Anon, just try not to worry about it. It'll be easy - just like back in your old world. Ponies around here already know you by now, anyway."

"Yeah..." Anon looked over his shoulder at his bed and swallowed. "... Just like on Earth. Right." Twilight took a couple of steps back.

"Good luck, Anon. I'll check on you as soon as I can to see how it went."

"Great," slurred Anon. "I can't wait." With a flash, Twilight was gone.

Anon noticed his letterbox had seemingly been half-flattened again, and so leaned down with a sigh and attempted to stick it back in the soil once more. After a few attempts, he gave up and let it rest against his wall for now.

Turning back to his door, Anon cracked his knuckles and staggered back inside. Lucky for him, he'd already planned to meet up with the boys today, anyway.

As Anon lounged on a bench that was far too small for him beside the fountain in Ponyville's square, his knuckles were left on ice. These ponies were simply too adorable for their fury. Yes, even the stallions.

"What about that one, Anon?" asked a cream-coloured pegasus stallion with a short blue mane that had been slicked back. His flank was emblazoned with a golden heart looped by a string.

Anon glanced over at the mare in question - a small grey pegasus with bubbles adorning her flanks. She flittered through the air erratically, causing nearby ponies to flinch away whenever she drew close. Her eyes were lopsided, appearing to have some kind of physical defect. He recognised her as the local mailmare, though they had never spoken.

"Smash," muttered Anon as he bit into a pink ring donut with only red sprinkles. There simply was no other way.

"Really? What's wrong with you, dude?" replied the stallion around a mouthful of his own donut.

"Also, hold up - 'that one'?" questioned Anon. "Congratulations, Tide Prowler, you somehow managed to make this game even more objectifying than it already is." He took another bite of his donut and paused before screwing up his face. He then continued to speak with food still in his mouth. "God, your parentsh musht have hated you, dude."

"Anon, I'd really prefer if you didn't share your donut with the rest of us, lad," grumbled a much burlier earth stallion with a muted green coat and a short brown mane. He sat to Anon's left, and his cutie mark depicted a cinder block filled with what looked like strawberry gello. Anon had never asked him why.

"And he's right, Prowler," continued the larger stallion. "Those mares are individuals with thoughts, feelings and emotions that you're ogling at and making sexually-charged judgements about..." He cracked open his bottle of cider. "... But yeah. Smash."

Prowler blanched at that and then wordlessly signalled his forehooves to the mare as she slammed into a store's hanging sign. Upon receiving no response, he sighed, "You two are weirdos, I swear."

"Yeah? Well at least my name doesn't sound like something I gave myself!" jabbed Anon.

"Uh, actually, yeah - it does!" retorted Prowler.

Anon grumbled and aggressively waved the back of his hand at the stallion. He then finished off his donut before licking his fingertips clean as Prowler watched him with disgust. Anon caught him staring and said, "What? You want a private show, princess?"

Once Anon began making obtuse, vaguely-explicit imagery using his fingers, the larger stallion laughed and broke the tension. "Alright colts, that's enough. You're even now."

"And you, Rumble. You have a wife, dude," pleaded Anon. "Why are you even playing this game, let alone saying 'smash'?" Anon grabbed a blueberry muffin from Prowler's box. "You do realise that Prowler is here, right? I'd prefer not to receive your head in the mail from your wifey next week."

"By Celestia, Anon, where do you get all these horrifying ideas from?" yacked Prowler with a visual cringe. "And those are my muffins!" Anon slunked back into his seat and didn't respond. Prowler and Rumble shared a look.

"You alright, son?" grumbled Rumble.

"Of course. Why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't know... You've seemed even grumpier than usual, lately. Is something going on?"

Prowler interjected and said, "Does it have something to do with the fact you said 'smash' to every single mare we've seen...?"

"Don't make me smack you, spandex queen," replied Anon.

"...Or something to do with the upcoming holiday? And a certain event surrounding it?"

Anon's veins ran cold and his eyes half-lidded. Prowler grinned back at him with a face the perfect picture of innocence.

"No," growled the human.

Rumble sat back and downed the rest of his fizzling cider. His resulting belch sliced through the tension and grabbed Anon's attention. "So," said Rumble, wiping his muzzle, "have you had any experience with the ladies? The ones from your old world, that is."

Anon's shoulders came forward and he leaned his elbows on his knees, pushing the shadows from his mind. Instinctively, he began to shake his head, but freezed shortly thereafter.

The stallions waited for him to speak. "Well, actually... I do have some experience, yeah. A few girlfriends - one long term." Anon rubbed the back of his ear before continuing. "She was a hot goth chick, but... She was a little too much for me."

Prowler's eyes widened and he stammered, "Hey, d-did you ever find a portal that leads back to your old world?"

Rumble jolted forward in his seat and snarled at Prowler. "What sort of question is that? You know Anon hasn't found anything."

Anon patted Rumble on the shoulder and said, "It's fine." He then returned his attention to Prowler. "You'd probably like her, Toweler. But don't you have a date planned for tomorrow?"

Prowler waved him off and said, "Hey, it'd be awesome to date an alien mare, y'know? And a goth, at that? Heck yeah!"

Anon laughed and cracked open a bottle. He tilted one towards Rumble, and the stallion nodded. Anon tossed Rumble the drink and replied, "Prowler, dude, you're hopeless. And she isn't a mare - she's a woman. Didn't you pay attention in the spergmeister's mandatory human class?" He took a bite of Prowler's muffin.

"Hey, watch it. That's my princess you're bad-mouthing," scolded Rumble. Anon rolled his eyes with a dismissive raspberry.

Prowler stepped down from the bench and placed a hoof on Anon's knee, leaning up into the human's face. Anon screwed up his nose and said, "Hell no, Cupcake; I'm not in the mood tonight."

"Anon, Princess Twilight has given us very strict orders," purred Prowler. Anon sighed. "We're to help you get ready for that event and make sure it goes smoothly for you. So you better do as we say. Right, Rumble?"

"He's not wrong, sport. By order of Her Majesty," replied Rumble with a sagely nod.

"So, your first and only port of call before the event is Rarity," continued Prowler. "She's already in the know, so just show up before the event and she'll get you spruced up."

"I know how to dress myself, skidmark."

Prowler pushed up his lower lip and tugged down the corners of his mouth. "Clearly."

Some remaining nearby ponies slowed down to watch Prowler and Anon's oddly intimate-looking exchange, prompting Anon to shake him off his knees. "Whatever. I'll do it." Prowler and Rumble shared another knowing look.

Anon stood up from the bench, drink in hand as he towered above the stallions. The square was mostly empty now, leaving a near-silent breeze to fill the audible space.

Without a word, Anon finished his muffin and set off walking back towards his home on the outskirts of Ponyville. The gentle orange glow of the setting sun cascaded around the fountain, some of its shadow clinging to Anon as he walked past. "... And thanks. For helping me. And stuff," muttered Anon.

Prowler laughed to himself and shouted, "We heard that!!!"

Anon picked up his pace without looking back.

Anon clinked the door to his home shut and took a deep breath. He sat back at his computer and prepared to work on the diary he had been keeping since his arrival in Equestria. Supposedly, Twilight was trying to reverse-engineer his computer, so Lord knows how long it would be before his old girl wasn't so unique anymore.

She even offered him a cut of the profits, but he had declined. It didn't feel right to gain profit from an invention he had no part in creating in either world.

A sharp prickling feeling creaked up his back; the shadows reaching from beneath his bed tapped his shoulders and begged for his attention. Anon tried his best to ignore them, but their caresses and whispers sank icy-cold barbs into his flesh.

Anon whipped around in a sweat, his breath having grown laboured. He cursed himself for feeling surprised at the fact he was, in fact, alone.

He shook his head and returned to his computer, hands trembling.

Just as he returned to typing, he noticed a letter on the left side of his desk sealed with a suspiciously familiar insignia. Said insignia immediately dispelled any fear of intruders in his home. It was tied to a small wrapped package with some golden string.

He snatched the letter and tore it open with rugged breaths, preparing himself for the worst. The letter read:

Dear my favorite monkey creature, Anonymous,

I hope this message finds you well. As you are no doubt aware, I am awfully busy in my retirement, and so will be unable to make your acquaintance this Hearts and Hooves Day.

It has come to my attention that you have been feeling lonely, Anonymous, and this - this simply will not do. In celebration of this most heart-warming holiday, I have included a token of appreciation, from me to you.

I do hope it touches you, and helps keep you company this Hearts and Hooves Day.

It would probably be best if you opened this gift on Sunday in the company of others, so that they may share in your unbridled joy and merriment. Ideally Twilight and the rest of the elements. Make sure it's them. And as many other mares as possible.

Bye.

Celestia,

Retired Princess of the Sun

Anon sighed and cradled his head with a hand. The last part of that letter grew increasingly shaky, so he knew better than to trust its lies. Sunbutt was probably pissing herself laughing when she wrote that. Seems she even forgot how to finish a letter properly.

Well, he knew better. They'd pranked other ponies (and each other) enough times over the past year for him to know a setup when he saw one.

Like hell he would consider opening that 'gift' in front of Twilight and all their mutual friends. In fact, he'd open it right that very moment, alone, two whole days before the day it was meant to be opened.

Anon rubbed his hands together in excited consideration of the heinous act.

His fingers fumbled with the immaculately-packaged present. It was flat, much like the letter itself, but somewhat thicker. Anon prized the remaining wrapping away, and...

He froze. Slowly, he lifted the object before his crackling visage. There, held before him in all its glory in hands he could have sworn were not his own, was a magazine.

Its title read: 'Playcolt'.

Several things then swooped and rattled through Anon's brain, yanking at its worming creases like yipping monkies swinging from grape-flavoured vines. Now that was a visual image that would remain forever hidden from the former Princess of the Sun, even if she blasted his cranium to pieces in order to pick through for it.

His gut reaction to the magazine was to scoff in disbelief, his eyes repeatedly scanning its unbelievable title. There was simply no way this could be a coincidence, right?

What's more, his incendiary gaze would have drifted down to the neatly folded letter now lying closed on his desk and set it ablaze if it weren't for the cover of the magazine itself.

Anon had seen ponies naked before. Heck, they ran around every damn day in their birthday suits for the world to see - but something about the mare on the cover of this magazine felt different.

Perhaps it was the socks, the bridle and bit, or the copious amounts of makeup, but seeing this neon pink mare dressed in such a way made her seem... More naked than any pony he had seen before. He hadn't seen anything like it since he arrived.

By all accounts, it didn't make sense.

Realising he was staring, Anon slung the magazine across the room as though it had stung him and he just about swallowed down a verbal apology directed at the static printed image on its cover.

His brain bubbled and simmered and his nails dug into his palms as he peered down at that folded letter. With speed that would have made Rainbow Dash jealous, Anon whipped a quill and parchment from one of his desk's drawers, planning to tell Celestia exactly what he thought about her 'gift'.

... But before he did, he put his fury aside for a moment and retrieved the fallen magazine. It was undamaged, causing Anon to release a held breath - a fact that he would never admit to any tall, white, overweight sun horses.

With great care, Anon crawled over his bed and rolled up the magazine. He then carefully slid it in the spot where his bed met the back wall of his room, until it was almost completely out of view.

Anon's eyes swivelled back to the parchment that lay spread and waiting for him upon his desk. His fingers wriggled above the holster on his hip, ready to draw.

The next morning, Anon stormed up towards Twilight's castle, letter in hand. Its ominous aura drew glares from mare and stallion alike. Prowler and Rumble were on the door today, clad in their silly little guard outfits.

"Wow. Shimmering as ever I see, fillies," complimented Anon, with all the honesty of a truck driver asking to quickly use your bathroom.

Prowler chinked his spear across the grand entryway of the castle and said, "Castle's closed today, citizen."

Anon responded by sticking the friendly finger up and down while making obscene farting noises that increased in volume the higher he lifted it.

"Oh, yeah. You're gonna be a hit with the ladies tonight for sure, son..." sighed Rumble.

Prowler sucked in his lips and glanced around at the nearby locals, a bead of sweat slinking down his coat. Several ponies slowed to watch their exchange, with even a couple of snickers grating at his ears. As Anon pushed his torso into the side of the spear and flopped through the door, Prowler was very nearly taken with it.

Anon placed his hands on his hips as Rumble muttered something about exemplary guardspony work beyond the rapidly closing double doors. In no time at all, he spotted just the creature he was hoping to see.

"You there. Little dragon buddy. How's it going?"

Spike performed his best imitation of prey to a Zamboni, a large bowl held within his stubby claws. "Uh... Castle's closed today, Anon," he said, attempting to hide the bowl behind his body. "Yup."

"Nonesense - the castle's 'never closed to you, Anon!'" mimicked the human, pushing up glasses he wasn't even wearing. Spike winced at the attempted impression of his adoptive sister. "So I walked right on in, and by the looks of it..." Anon eyeballed the drake's bowl of gems. "...Right on time."

"What do you want?" sighed Spike. "I'm not sending Celestia another thirty pieces of 'ancient human lore'. My back can't take it."

"I'll have you know that she loved my sculptures." Anon folded his arms. "Probably keeps at least one of 'em under her bed or in the little dresser alongside her dentures. That horse is so freaking bored, dude."

"Celestia is a kind mare, so just leave her alone," muttered Spike.

"Yeah, 'kind'. Real nice lady. Definitely." Anon pointed to Spike's bowl. "Say, can I borrow a couple of those? I've got a hot date tonight."

"No, Anon - you don't." Spike slapped a claw and pulled it down his face. "Please, just tell me what you want. And like I said, I'm not sending the princess any more of your weird mushroom sculptures."

Anon deadpanned at the wall behind Spike for a few moments, his lips caging an explosion that would likely decorate the room with his teeth. After sucking in a lungful to dampen the fuse, Anon held out the letter to Spike and said, "Dear Princess Celestia."

"She's got you writing those, too? Oh, dude, I'm so sorry."

"Don't worry about it. They only lasted three months before one of her replies covered my entire room in glitter. It's a slippery slope from there, my little reptilian friend."

Spike grabbed the letter and quickly barfed his dragonfire over it, evaporating it instantly. "There; done. I hope Celestia enjoys whatever it is you're telling her, or... Whatever that 'letter' does. Later." Spike threw a gem into his maw and slunked away from Anon with the giant bowl resting on his little bubble gut.

"Thanks, champ. See ya around," said Anon. Spike lifted a claw in wordless response.

Anon gulped down a chunk of something.

Legendary detectives would weave webs of intricate implications and paths of induction that they would swear on their lives could ascertain the true nature of Anon's gulped chunk, but for what? What could be gained from a chunk, other than a sense of sheer dread upon discovering its root cause?

Anon's gaze flickered up and down the domineering building. Its eccentric design, intricate and beautiful, did little to calm his nerves. Usually, he would be glad to see its owner - the apple of every stallion's eye, Rarity.

She was a lovely girl. With her ever-generous nature and surprising level of receptiveness to Anon's appearance, the human had no reason to fear this little white pony.

That is, unless she needs him to play dress-up. Oh, how she loves to play dress-up with him. So few opportunities had she to work with the form of a biped that she crawled down his throat every time he walked into town for the first few months after his sudden appearance.

The closest thing he could liken the experience to would be going to a clothing store with one's mother as a child, always watching the exit and praying - praying that she wouldn't run into any friends or colleagu-

WHAM

"Oh there you are, darling! I've been waiting for you! Let's get you all dappered up, like a good gentlecolt. You've got a big night tonight, or so I've heard."

Anon felt his knees buckle; this had been a mistake. Like he said to Prowler earlier - he knew how to dress himself. Yeah. It wasn't too late to just go home and dig through his wardrobe.

With his mind set, his survival instincts kicked into overdrive and propelled his legs to move. And yet, after just a couple of steps, they would move no further. What was going...

To Anon's horror, a light blue glow surrounded his lower body, anchoring him to the spot. As he wrestled to break free, Rarity's beautiful face strained and she bit her lower lip in focus.

"C-Come on in, darling... I made you a brand... New... Suit!"

With each scrape along the floor, Anon did not shout. He did not scream. He merely folded his arms across his chest and allowed himself to be swallowed by the gaping jaws of the carousel, destined to be made one with it and endlessly spin around its perimeter with a pole driven through his skull.

... Okay, maybe he was being dramatic again.

While his skull remained un-poled, he later found himself standing outside of the boutique once more, dressed to impress in a black suit with a white shirt and red tie. It was simple, but it worked. He could certainly admit that he looked 'dapper', as Rarity kept putting it - for three hours.

"Thanks, Rarity. Really." Anon fiddled with his collar, and Rarity slapped his hand away with her magic before fixing it herself. "This stuff takes a while, but you never fail to live up to your reputation. Are you really sure you don't want me to pay for this suit? Seems expensive..."

"Well you flatter me, darling. Always the very best for my friends. You don't have to pay me back for the suit. I won't hear any more about it."

Anon knew better than to push a 'refined lady' who was insisting to give him something for free. Or maybe it was a mind game and she wanted him to kiss her hooves. Nah, she was nice - probably definitely just being nice. Anon shrugged, pinching his fingertips close to his pocket square with a teasing smirk.

Rarity's glare wiped the smirk off his face, leaving the human to back away from her and retreat down the cobbled path towards his destination. In an uncanny moment of facial distortion, her expression brightened at lightning speed, and she waved at him with a hoof.

"Best of luck to you, darling! You simply must come and tell me all about it next week. That's an order!" she sing-songed.

"O-Okay... Bye, Rarity!" Anon turned and started walking directly away from the boutique. He once again almost dared to fiddle with his outfit, but he was not yet out of eyeshot of the marshmallow mare's place of work. Electing to walk like a robot until he turned the corner, Anon took a deep breath once in a safe place. Setting his brow, he made his way across town.

Well, it was time for the main event. Anon tugged at his collar and wiped his brow as he approached the Bowl n' Bowl. It seemed lively in there, which was likely a good thing. Background babble always made things less awkward, right? If the cream-coloured commando wasn't pulling his leg, then he and Rumble should be...

"Hey there, sport," announced Rumble, approaching Anon and slapping him on his lower back.

"Oh. Hey, guys. Good to see you." replied Anon, staring directly at the front doors of the venue.

Both stallions screwed up their faces. "Uh... What?" Prowler questioned with a tilt of his head.

"I said it's good to see you." Anon shuffled in place. "Should we go in, or...? What do we do?"

"Yo, chill out. You're a little late, so we won't get time for drinks until after the event, but uh. Yeah. Let's go."

Anon ignored Prowler's attempts to pull at his arm and instead turned to Rumble and asked, "Did you see if there's a place to sign in, or something? I don't even know if you guys took a look inside, yet. Also if the dudes are hot, I'm screwed."

Rumble took note of the glistening beads of sweat dripping down Anon's forehead. He understood that these events can be nerve-wracking - but even then, Anon's reaction seemed a little extreme.

"Son, look at me," said Rumble, demanding Anon's full attention. Anon stopped fiddling with his collar and looked the burly stallion in the eye. "Just get your flank in there and be yourself."

Prowler laughed out loud at that, earning him a glare from Rumble. "I mean it, kid. Just be yourself. If you try to be anypony else, you might find something, but it won't be a something worth somethin'."

"Woah, that's so wise, Rumble. Sometimes I forget that you're the old fogey of our little dynamic trio," quipped Prowler. Rumble roughly grabbed the smaller stallion and shoved him through the door, prompting Anon to follow.

"Walk up to the mare with the short, fluffy yellow mane and blue coat. Ask her to sign in. Can't miss her," said Rumble, just loud enough to be audible over the music and chatter of the venue. "We'll be in the bar close by. Knock 'em dead, sport."

Prowler opened his mouth to add something, but Rumble once again shoved him, this time deeper into the bar area of the establishment. Anon stood stock-still and swivelled his head, soaking in his surroundings.

"What's gotten into him...?" whispered prowler.

"I'm not sure either of us could ever hope to understand that, Prowler." replied Rumble, taking a seat at one of the booths across from the bar.

Prowler took a seat next to him and replied, "What do you mean by that? I'm pretty sure we've both been to this event at some point in our lives."

"Have you ever been thrown into a world full of alien creatures, being only one of your kind in existence, and tried to compete with those aliens for their prospective mates?"

"Oh..."

Rumble tapped the table with a heavy thud and said, "That's my guess, but you and I both know how hard it is to know what's really going on in that lad's head." Rumble moved to stand from his seat. "First round's on me. What're you drinking, son?"

Anon was cold. The venue was quite a nice ambient temperature, despite how busy it was; but without his friends by his side, he had frozen solid. It was like someone had stripped him of all his clothing, dunked him in an ice bath and then left him outside a random couple's wedding.

The venue sported sweeping, cascading curtains of gold that trickled down its light red walls, tied up in an arrangement that allowed those outside to peer in, and those inside to maybe give them a wave or something.

The entire space was split into three areas - a bowling alley, a bar and a restaurant. It seemed the restaurant area had been repurposed for the night's speed dating event, judging by the aggressively-positioned tables and chairs.

All three spaces of the venue were divided by partitions that came up to Anon's hip, with the last quadrant taken up by the bar and concealed area behind it. The partitions were made of an admittedly beautiful-looking deep brown oak that had been polished to perfection.

He had no idea how they maintained that level of polish, considering how dirty people often were with things like that. But then again, ponies seemed to be cleaner than humans ever were. Or perhaps it's just magic.

It's usually just magic.

Anon sighed and straightened his tie, risking a glance over at his buddies. Prowler was greedily chugging a cider as Rumble caught Anon's eye. Rumble winked at him and nudged his head, and as though he had strings attached between his neck and Anon's waist, Anon felt his legs forced to move.

The mare he was supposed to approach certainly stood out, standing on a small waiter's podium in the restaurant area as she was.

To the surprise of nobody, Anon was given a bit of a berth as he crossed the dividing hallway-like space between the different partitions and approached the unicorn mare.

"Hi," murmured Anon, doing his best to ignore the shadows beckoning him towards the exit. The mare lifted her head from the list she was perusing and gave him a wide smile, causing her wild yellow mane to jiggle.

"Well hi there, erm... Anon, was it?" the mare said as she cocked an eyebrow at him, her smile dimming and yet not at all disappearing.

"How did you know?" chuckled Anon.

"Oh, well isn't that a mystery?!" she giggled before continuing. "Feel free to take a seat with the oth- uh, with the stallions over there, hun." She signalled over to an area Anon could only liken to a war bunker, with all its soldiers sitting silently in anticipation of the upcoming battle. "We're just waiting on a couple more guests to arrive, so we'll be starting soon if they don't show up. You know; cold hooves, and all that."

Anon blinked a few times and asked, "... Am I the only non-pony here?"

"For tonight's event?" Anon nodded. "I think so, hun. We've had a few non-pony participants in the past, though."

"Oh, okay... Thanks."

"No problem," she chirped, holding out a forehoof in presentation of his competition.

With that, Anon walked around the mare's podium and approached the stallions. Once he sat down, the small stallion he plopped next to looked up at him with a polite smile. Anon gave him a brief one in return, only for the stallion to shuffle away from him by a few inches when he thought he was no longer looking. Anon's smile wavered.

A couple of the stallions attempted to start a conversation with each other, but it always fizzled out moments later. He can't blame them for trying, but it seemed none of these stallions got the memo about just relaxing and being themselves.

Anon got a good look at the stallions, and was unsurprised to find them all well-presented and good-looking. Almost everyone from this sunshine and rainbows world looked aesthetically pleasing, for some reason. He sighed.

Some of them were even dressed up, like him, which was nice. It brought him little comfort, however. He spared a glance over at the mares, but thankfully found little of note. They all passed his visual requirements, obviously, and none of them appeared to be giving him any stink-eye. Perhaps they simply hadn't noticed him yet.

He recognised a few of them from around town. Unlike the stallions, the mares appeared much more alert, and ready to bite each other on a dime. He noticed a few of them throwing dirty looks at their competition, as though it would somehow do them any good. The behavior difference was likely due to the messed up gender ratio, he mused.

Of the mares present, he recognised Berry Punch from his welcome party, and just about any other party he had been to since he arrived. She appeared only slightly inebriated, which was an good sign. He also recognised that one musician pony with the silky black mane and a treble clef on her flanks - she would no doubt be a popular pick.

Then there was the clumsy mailmare who had seemingly been afraid of him for at least the first few months of his being here. She was looking down at her lap and fiddling with her hooves with a furrowed brow, looking up at the other mares around her as though they might beat the life out of her at any moment. Poor girl.

Anon's thoughts were interrupted by a tapping noise. The babble of the entire establishment lessened, but did not silence. The mare from the podium had seemingly teleported her makeshift throne before the two groups of attendees for the event. After clearing her voice, she gave them a rundown.

"Welcome, everypony! My name is Sunshine Blotch, and I will be your host for tonight. We here at the Bown n' Bowl love hosting this little event every year just as much as you love attending it." She lifted a hoof into the air. "So, here's how this is gonna work, lovelies..."

She placed a hoof to her fluffy chest before continuing. "The stallions will seat themselves in a row over there." She signalled over to the chairs along the edge of the venue. "And the mares will rotate through the seats across from them. This is speed dating, so you only get a few minutes with each partner - when the bell rings, you mares have to switch. So don't go getting too clingy right off the bat!"

This was met with a few nervous chuckles. Anon rubbed at the corners of his mouth with a finger and thumb before running a hand through his hair...

Oh.

A couple of the stallions snickered as Anon attempted to wipe the sticky gel from his hand onto the velvet seat beside him.

The mare continued, "At the end of the session, you will all receive a card to fill out. We'll collect those cards and make your matches. It's as simple as that."

"Here," one of the stallions across and to his left whispered to him, holding out a napkin with a small smile.

"Oh, n-no it's okay. I already have-" Anon felt his chest pocket, only to find his precious new pocket square missing. As he stared at the napkin being somehow pinched at the end of the stallion's hoof, the gears in his brain spluttered made the connection. "Ah, thanks. Hah."

"No worries, pal." The stallion leaned back into his seat.

"So, without further ado - relax and enjoy yourselves. Drinks are provided tonight, on us!" shouted Sunshine. There was a small cheer from everypony present, alongside a few grumbles from the bar area.

"Stallions, take your seats."

There they were. The words he'd been dreading. An occasional crash from the nearby bowling alley did little to ease his nerves.

All of the males stood up and filed down the edge of the restaurant area in a forebodingly uniform manner. As Anon stood against the wall and moved to take his seat, he half expected a full squad of uniformed men to burst through the door and aim their flintlock rifles down from across the table.

"Okay, and now for the mares. Please take your seats."

For the briefest of moments, as the first mare sat down in the chair across from him, he almost wished he'd been right.