Hands and Hooves Day

Anon fidgeted in his seat.

The mare sitting across from him had a lilac coat and a deep pink mane with eyes hued to match. As she scanned up and down his torso with uncertainty, Anon felt an overwhelming urge to cover himself.

He recognised this mare as Berry Punch, a pony he had only met a small handful of times. But hey, at least they were already acquainted.

The man hunched his shoulders forward and interlocked his fingers, unable to meet her gaze.

Come on, Anon, say something! He didn't dare look to check if his friends were watching him be a complete and total wuss.

Why couldn't he say anything? Why had she still not said anything, either?

Anon's eye twitched and his toes curled. Perhaps he wasn't cut out for this. The exit was right over there. He was sure none of them would mind. In fact, he would probably be doing Berry a favour by taking himself out of the running this very moment - spare her the last few minutes of awkwardness.

Berry raised a brow at the miriad of emotions smearing across Anon's face like armadillos on a freeway.

"Uh, hey?" she said, slowly.

Anon flinched, subconsciously checking himself for any gaping bullet wounds. After discovering his proud desk-bod to be unharmed, he slowly turned his head back to face Berry directly. Did she say something?

His response was something straddling the thin line between a gargle and a whimper, causing Berry to snicker into a hoof. Either she was more drunk than she appeared, or he was simply a born winner.

Mom had always told him he'd be popular with the ladies. What sort of loser ignores the wisdom of his own mother? He wasn't in bad shape, and had always been told he was pretty decent-looking. And yes, the people telling him that did include people who aren't his mother.

Maybe this wouldn't be so bad, after all.

With newfound confidence, Anon took a swig of his... Grapejuice? Really? Looks like the mares got something green in colour for their drinks, and while green liquids aren't typically very inviting - it wasn't grapejuice, so it was most definitely better than the liquid torture he had been given.

Anon attempted to weave a silvertongued masterpiece, but his visceral reaction to the grapejuice landed his voicebox in the swampy mudman zone, and so it instead projected as an embarassing splutter.

Berry laughed out loud this time and said, "You alright there, buddy? Cough it up; I'll wait. Plenty of time on my hooves, here."

"S-Sorry, Berry..." Anon wiped his lips with the cuff of his suit, much to the dismay of a now distant screeching fashionista.

"Oh hey, you remember my name. Now there's a start." Berry leaned an elbow on the table and cradled her head against a hoof. "You know - you never got to answer that one thing I asked you that one time at that one place." The slur in her voice made that sentence roll off her tongue just as eloquently as it would have looked in writing.

Anon looked left and right and waited for her to explain further. When she continued to smirk at him, he folded and said, "... Which is?"

"What are you?"

Anon let go of a breath and briefly wriggled his upper lip. "You mean I didn't tell you that I'm a human? Why wouldn't I tell you that?"

"No no, you said that. I think." Berry paused in a failed effort to contain something between a burp and a hiccup. "You just never told me what that means. You look like a hairless monkey or something."

The blatant sincerity in her announcement would have drooped Anon's ears, had they the physical ability. He elected to sink further into his chair instead. He knew she meant nothing by it, but...

The urge to harden his shell yanked on his joints like the strings of a puppet. Anon strummed his fingers along the table and murmured, "I'm not a monkey... I'm a man."

Completely missing his tone, Berry leaned across the table and asked, "Oooh... What's a 'man'?" Anon sighed again. This isn't how this was supposed to go.

"A man is a human male," he said, quickly. He then swallowed his accumulated spittle before continuing, "So, what do you like to do for fun?"

Berry leaned back in her seat, seemingly disappointed with his abrupt answer. "I like to drink 'n stuff." She glanced at the drink in her hoof as though she just now noticed it was there. "Woohoo!" She raised the drink up to Anon, and he humoured her, clinking it with his own.

As she greedily gulped her own concoction, Anon pushed the glass to his lips and tipped it up without taking in any of the repugnant fluid.

"I see. That's cool, I guess," said Anon. He waited for her to do say something more, but when she merely blinked at him, he closed his eyes for half a second and elected to continue. "What's your favourite dri-"

Anon was interrupted by the piercing sound of a bell rattling his skull.

"Time to switch, ladies!" Announced Sunshine in an irritating singsong voice.

Berry grinned sheepishly up at Anon and scrambled to her hooves. "Oop, well, I'll see you, Anon!" called Berry as she trapsed over to the next table. Anon looked away from her and peered down into his lap. He licked his lips, awaiting the next round of judgement.

But it never came. Or, rather, she never came.

Confused, Anon looked up from his lap. Standing a few feet from his table was the grey musician mare with the musical butt-marking and silly little bowtie, hovering a lifted hoof close to her chest. She had her right cheek facing him, and her slightly quivering brow suggested a small degree of anxiety.

Thinking on his feet, Anon gave her a small wave with his best accompanying smile. This appeared to relax her a bit, and she slowly stepped over to take her seat across from him.

"Oh, dear... I'm sorry, sir," she said. "I-I must look quite the insensitive little filly. Where are my manners?" She briefly fiddled with her bowtie. "My name is Octavia. Octavia Melody." She held a hoof across the table, which Anon hesitantly shook, hoping she wouldn't notice how clammy his palms were.

He cringed when he noticed her eyes discreetly flicker down to her hoof and back up to his face once their contact was broken.

"I don't believe we've officially met, sir Anonymous. I still remember reading all about you in the papers, though." Anon bit his lip. This mare was already far friendlier than he'd been expecting from anyone tonight.

... She had a nice accent, too.

Wait a minute.

"Uh, why do you have a British accent?" asked Anon, suddenly curious beyond measure. "Please tell me there isn't a British ponyland somewhere around here. Please tell me it ain't so..."

Octavia cocked a confused, and yet obviously amused brow. "Erm, I'm not sure what 'British' means, but my accent is a result of my being born and raised in Trottingham."

Anon bust out laughing. His giggles turned a few heads, causing Octavia's eyes to go wide as she looked either side of their table and grinned awkwardly. "You can't be freaking serious!" he guffawed "Hah!"

Anon suddenly gripped the edge of the table with a hand as his giggles died down, settling himself back into his seat with a cough. "I'm sorry, Octavia," he said. "I promise I wasn't laughing at you... God, I'm such a moron..." He wiped a hand down from his brow to the stubble on his chin and blinked to clear his head, inwardly groaning when he heard Prowler's distinctive chortling in the distance behind Octavia.

Octavia let loose a small giggle of her own, startling the man. He looked back up at her in confusion, surprised she was even still sharing a table with him.

"Don't worry yourself. I'm always glad to see a stallion who can let loose and just be himself," mused Octavia before smiling sweetly at him.

Oh yeah, she'll be a popular pick, alright. Shame...

Anon slumped his arms to the table with a light smack, cursing himself when he noticed her flinch a hair. He cleared his throat and casually asked, "So, what bizz are you in?"

Octavia giggled again and looked at him from the side of her half-lidded gaze. "Well, specifically, I play the cello."

"Bless you."

"Pardon?"

"N-Never mind." Anon glanced off and to the side, biting his lip.

What the hell was that, Anon? That one didn't even make sense. His thoughts wandered back to Rumble's words. Right... Just be himself. Don't force the jokes; let them come, if at all.

He hardly dared to look back in Octavia's direction.

"... Are you alright, Anonymous?"

"Uh, yeah, sorry. I just got confused for a second there. So the cello, huh? Cool. Is that like a big violin or something?"

Octavia clopped her hooves on the underside of the table and snickered to herself. "Yes, something like that, I suppose!"

Right on cue, the bell once again scrambled the participants' brains, causing Octavia to scrunch her dolled up face for a few seconds.

Anon chuckled nervously and said, "Where is she every morning before work, huh?"

Octavia gave him a sweet smile and replied, "Indeed. Thankyou for your time, Anonymous. It has been nice."

"You too, Octavia. I'll see you around."

With that, Octavia clopped over to the next table and Anon felt a little sad to see her go. Oh well, on to the next m-

"Hiii, cutie pie!" Anon found himself instinctively flushing at the call, but kept his guard up nonetheless. The next mare was a deep purple, with a light red mane that cascaded all the way down to her knees. She was looking at him like some kind of meal, which almost made him cower. Almost.

Uh oh, was this another Lyra situation? Keep it cool, Anon.

"... Hi?" asked Anon, with uncertainty. The mare giggled into a hoof and fluttered her eyelashes. Anon readjusted himself in his seat. "So, what's your name?" his speech crawled out of his gullet like a whimpering puppy.

"Yeah... Yeah, that's cool!" Her eyes scanned him up and down repeatedly. "Say, you wanna agree to match after this and get a head start on Hearts and Hooves? Tonight? My place?"

"But, we don't even know each other yet..."

"Oh I've seen you around town enough, big guy... Come on, waddya say?" She grinned up at him and bit her lip.

Anon scratched behind his ear before rubbing the bridge of his nose. "I'm sorry, but I'm not looking for that kind of thing. I hope you find a stallion who is, though..."

The mare let loose a sound somewhere between a growl and a purr. The hair on Anon's neck stood to attention, and he chanced a glance over at his stallion buddies for... Something.

They were very clearly pretending not to be watching. Brilliant.

The purple mare snaked a hoof across the small table and gently tapped the nail of his pointer finger. "I'm not looking for a stallion," she said, "I'm looking for a... a... What are you, again?" She licked her lips.

"Well, I'm limited edition, and you're looking at the only issue on the shelf," chuckled Anon. "A-And he's not interested in anything casual..." Anon retracted his hand and subconsciously nursed it beneath the table.

When she didn't respond and instead leaned her head across the table to rest upon her hooves, Anon continued, "Listen, lady - you're attractive and all, but I'm not just some exotic animal or anything like that." He gave her a pleading look. "If you won't even tell me your name, I swear I'll just sit here in silence until the bell rings."

To Anon's horror, his tugging of the rope made her squirm in her seat in a way that left him glancing left and right and chewing the inside of his cheek. With dismay, he noticed Octavia and her new partner watching himself and his current company with a measure of disgust.

"Okay! Nope. Not doing this." Anon pulled an invisible zipper across his lips and puffed up his cheeks as though holding a breath. The mare slowed her laboured breaths and briefly scowled before smirking once more.

He strummed his fingers across the table and looked for a host pony to flag down as a distraction. No such luck. By this point, he counted the seconds and prayed...

Since when were leap seconds invented? His eye twitched several more times as she continued to stare him down with her tail slowly swishing behind her.

He prayed for that terrifying bell; he wanted to make sweet love to that bell of bells in that moment. That bell could join him and the boys every weekend for drinks and cards and whatever the heck else it wanted if it would just-

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD SHE WAS RUBBING AT HIS LEG BENEATH THE TABLE!!!

BELL, FOR THE LOVE OF-

Brrrrring

"You know the drill by now, folks! Remember to ask for refills, if you need 'em," chirped Sunshine.

Anon released his breath, pushing his legs to the side and away from the creepy mare. She salaciously stood up from her seat and turned to saunter over to the next table with a wink in his direction. He felt sick to his stomach. That mare probably wasn't even single.

Breathing a few heavy sighs of relief, Anon wiped his slicked brow and looked over for his next potential match, who walked away from her previous partner with a saddened expression.

She was a short grey pegasus mare. She peered at him with nervous intrigue as she approached her seat. This was that one mailmare who never seemed to actually deliver any mail for him. Or at least, his mail only seemed to appear once he'd been away from home for a while.

She also happened to be the last mare he had cast judgement upon during Prowler's game with the boys yesterday...

Ugh... What was that feeling washing through him? Shame? Maybe he should kick Prowler's ass once this is over to make himself feel better. Yeah.

Anon felt a profound joy bubble up from within his chest at the thought. Whether it could defeat the shame nestled deep within his stomach though was another story.

The mare continued to stare at him, and time seemed to grind to near a halt when Anon noticed that her pace did not slow as she neared her chair.

"U-Um... Hi..." muttered Anon, like a complete buffoon. Maybe he was just a monkey, destined to bash his tambourines together and holler the same numbskull noises over and over until every mare on this planet gave him a 500 yard exclusion zone.

Despite Anon reaching out an arm, the mare continued to stare at him with her mouth in an 'o' shape, and as a result, she tackled her chair into the fourth dimension and her muzzle greeted the floor with all the love of a piano thrown from a balcony.

Anon stood from his seat with a bolt and ran around the table to assist her. She was a little tangled with the arms of her seat, but she quickly righted herself and instinctively hooked a hoof around his forearm for support.

"You alright there, miss mailmare?" asked Anon with a chuckle, looking her over with concern. She gasped and flinched away before looking him up and down and then lowering her head.

After a few moments, she slowly nodded and peeked up at him. Or at least, one of her eyes did - the other drifted back towards the ground. "Great. G-Glad to hear it," stammered Anon, taking an awkward step back.

Anon returned to his seat, and the mare took her own across from him. Upon getting a better look at her, it appeared as though she had tried to apply makeup for this event, but failed miserably. Her light pink lipstick was smudged into the fur at the edge of her mouth and her mascara wormed its way loosely around her eyes.

It was quite possibly the single cutest thing he had ever seen in his life.

"S-Sorry about that. I can be a bit of a kultz sometimes..." She fiddled with her hooves, her eyes both successfully focusing upon the dark brown wood of the table.... For a moment.

"Hey, don't worry about it." Anon adjusted the position of his drink, pushing through his concern that it might magically jump out and slither down his throat. "Say, I've seen you around town before, but I don't think we've ever actually met." Anon gave her his best winning smile. "My name's Anon, in case you somehow didn't know. Nice to meet ya."

"You always looked like you'd be real big up close..." she muttered.

Anon blinked and then laughed playfully. "And were you right?"

She shuffled her forehooves and then nodded with a shy smile, her right pupil drifting off to the heavens. After several seconds, her hooves shot to her mouth and she gasped. "Oh! I'm so sorry. It's nice to meet you, Anon. I'm derpy. My name, that is..."

"It's fine! Don't worry. It's great to meet you, too." Anon cleared his throat as Derpy discreetly slid her hooves back and forth along the edge of the table, pulling them apart and then bringing them back together again. She gave him her complete attention, with nothing but the random drifting of her pupils once in a while interrupting her gaze.

"So, Derpy..." Anon nibbled on his lower lip. "What kinda things do you like to do with your time? Besides tackling chairs, that is," he jabbed with a chuckle.

Anon's eyes widened when she mirrored his laugh with a feminine giggle. "Well... Sometimes, I even like to tackle billboards... A-And letterboxes!"

Anon's smile grew and he felt a strange warmth behind his eyes, leading to them moistening without any actual leakage.

What in the world...? He made a mental note to get that checked out later.

"Well, that's great, because it just so happens that I have a letterbox with an overdue rent payment. If you'd be so kind..." Anon grinned and raised his eyebrows at her.

Derpy giggled again and said, "Well knowing me, I'll be sure to send it tumbling sooner or later."

Anon pointed a finger at her and replied, "I'll hold you to that." He made a mental note to get his letterbox planted in the ground again as soon as possible after the event.

Derpy giggled a little more at that before finally growing quiet. Anon broke the short silence and said, "So... Is there anything you want to ask me?" Derpy's eyes lit up, her left pupil swivelling over to the ponies beside them in the process. "I am the weird alien thing, after all."

"Absolutely, Anon!" she breathily exclaimed. His heart sank and the nearby shadows of the enormous curtains warped as he prepared to face the music. "So what's your favourite food?"

Anon blinked. And then blinked again.

That feeling throbbed behind his eyes once more and he fought to keep it in. Caught off guard, Anon took a few moments longer than he should have to answer.

Derpy watched him patiently with an excited smile as she fiddled with her hooves.

"M-My favourite food? Erm... Uh." Anon prayed someone would come over and slap him across his stupid chin. "I'm not sure I have a single favourite food, to be honest." He rested on his elbows, adjusting himself in his seat to draw his upper body closer to her.

Just as Derpy leaned forward to reply, he continued, "I have always had kind of a sweet tooth, though. So I love things like donuts, muffins and cakes. Yeah. Stuff like that."

Derpy's ears perked up and she leaned even further across the table towards him. "Those are great choices! I... I really like muffins." She drew small circles on the surface of the table with her hoof as she observed him. Anon watched with discomfort, resisting the urge to reach out as her hoof neared her glass and-

Crash

Derpy gasped and looked around herself while nibbling on her hoof. "Oh no! I..." She jumped down from her chair to try and scrape the broken pieces of glass together. A pain shot through Anon's lower stomach as his instincts kicked in upon seeing her pushing the razor sharp shards around with the soft underside of her hooves.

"It's alright, Derpy. I'll get it." Once Anon brought his hands to the shards of glass, she pulled her hooves away and held them to her fluffy chest. Liquid welled within the corners of her mismatched eyes as she avoided eye contact with him.

"I'm sorry, Anon... I'm so stupid, and-"

"-Hey, Derpy," Anon said, "don't worry about it. Accidents happen. You're not stupid." He reached out for her hoof in an effort to console her, but paused and then pulled his hand back to the glass well before contact was made. "Look. See." Anon had taken all the visible chunks of glass and placed them on the table. He waved down a host who clopped over to scrape the shards into a pan.

"No harm done!" chirped Anon. Derpy no longer appeared to be a dam about to burst, instead meekly sitting back on her chair and looking at him with a wobbly smile.

Anon clapped his hands together, causing her to tilt her head at him and bring her hooves back up onto the edge of the table. "Say, you reminded me of something," said Anon, holding up a hand and pointing to it. One of Derpy's eyes glanced between Anon's hand and his smiling face, her features drenched with curiosity.

"There's this little trick with my hands that one of the guys on set taug- uh... One of the other humans back in my home world taught me. Wanna see it?" His smile became a playful grin.

Derpy opened her mouth with a silent gasp, nodding eagerly at him. "I do! They look pretty and soft!"

Anon chuckled and raised an eyebrow. "Uh, Thanks? So, would you hold out your hoof for me?"

"Sure!" Derpy's released a goofy chuckle as her wings spread out behind her and a hoof shot out across the table, coming dangerously close to Anon's own glass as it did so.

With that minor heart attack out of the way, Anon moved to grip the edge of her hoof with his fingers.

However, just before contact was made, that awful ringing noise almost caused Anon to knock his glass over himself.

Wait. No. That was impossible. It had only been a couple of minutes, right? Anon felt his heart sink, and as he glanced back up to Derpy, he noticed her wings drooping in tandem with the wilting of her once brilliant, joyful smile.

"Oh... It looks like we're out of time, Anon..."

"Y-Yeah... Sorry I didn't get time to, uh. You know," murmured Anon. He would've chokeslammed himself for his constant stammering if not out in public.

"It's fine... Good luck! I think I have to go now. B-Bye, Anon!"

Anon gave Derpy a wave as she trotted away - a wave she mimicked with a sad smile.

The glances she continued to send in his direction for the next few seconds drew his gaze, but every time she caught his eye he would look away and fiddle with the edge of his suit.

Anon smiled a small, wistful smile of his own.

Before he could give it much more thought, his gaze was torn back across to his right, where his next partner approached. And boy, did she make sure he knew it...

"What in Celestia's name? Who invited the local monkey?!"

Anon's expression soured. Here we go...

"Well, 'hello there' to you too, miss. My name is Anon..." droned Anon, appearing tired. The mare did not seem to even register what he said. She looked around herself before grunting in frustration and sitting across from him.

He had to admit that she was beautiful. From her light brown coat and bronze mane all the way to her auburn natural hoof-socks, she was quite possibly the most gorgeous mare present. But by the looks of things, it was skin deep. Barely.

Anon folded his hands in front of him on the shiny surface of the table. The mare's gaze flickered down to his hands and she curled her upper lip with a lift of her chin. Her hooves gleamed with a deep red polish that he could see had been recently applied with expertise.

She faced away from him and to his left, and Anon coughed to get her attention. "So," chirped Anon, "how has your night been so far?"

"Splendid... Until I sat at this table," she replied, with all the venom of a striking cobra.

"Nice, nice." Anon tapped a finger on the table absent-mindedly. "Is there anything I can do to convince you I'm not just a freaky monkey creature? I'm sorry if my existence offends you."

"No, I don't have a banana for you." she snarled.

"Wow, real clever," laughed Anon, now genuinely amused by the absurdity of the situation. "You win any awards for that wit? Might want to wipe that green stain from your cheek before your photoshoot, though." He nodded his head towards her right cheek.

The mare scowled at him, her brows furrowing further upon noticing him continuing to stare at her cheek. Instinctively, her hoof wiped at it, and so Anon moved his eyes further along her jaw, guiding her movements.

Anon looked back into her eyes and bit his lower lip, satisfied with the deep red streak now running through her fur. "Yup, you got it," he said. "Oh, wait, actually... Just get this bit here." Anon reached out to point at her lip, causing the mare to slap his hand away and leap back out of her seat in a panic.

Whoops.

"Don't touch me!!!" she screamed. "You freaky alien ape!"

The entire building went silent. Anon's jaw hung open with his eyes wide. He swallowed a breath and said, "I was just pointing at your face... I wasn't going to touch you; I promise."

The mare looked around the room, surveying the many faces watching her. Some looked upon her with confusion or surprise. Many looked upon her with a scowl.

Anon's eyes widened as he noticed Prowler snarling at the mare and making to cross the room towards her, but thankfully Rumble had his neck locked with a powerful hoof. Anon returned his gaze to his lap before they noticed him staring.

The mare then stormed away from the table with a huff and pulled a host aside, speaking to him in a hushed whisper.

Gradually, the babble of the venue returned. For the rest of the allotted time, Anon sat there in shame, hoping he hadn't butchered what little good reputation he had around town with that little stunt.

Why couldn't you just let her act up and move on, Anon? He sighed and slumped in his seat, looking up at the ceiling in an attempt to calm his jitters.

The bell rang once more, and Anon really began to feel the mental toll of the evening weigh in on his shoulders. The shadows inched and spasmed, crawling along the edge of the venue and boring down through his eye sockets. With it came a physical exhaustion that made him too tired even to just get up and leave.

He should never have opened the door to that little purple book horse. This really had been a mistake.

"Hey... Hey... Hello?" Anon lowered his gaze back down from the ceiling, the mystery pony seated across from him greeting him with a lopsided smile. "Well welcome back to the land of the living, sleepyhead!"

"Ah, my apologies. Was just lost in thought for a moment, there." Anon sat back up in his seat and gave the mare the attention she deserved.

She was a bright yellow pony with a curled blue mane. He couldn't get a good view of her cutie mark, as he hadn't noticed her approach.

"No worries, Mr. Anon. I can't blame you after what just happened..."

"It happens, I guess."

"Well, it shouldn't. Look, my name's Lemon Hearts, but I'll be honest with you - I'm not into the whole 'exotic partner' thing, myself. But I can promise you that others will be."

Anon strained his neck in an effort to stop his head from sagging. "Yeah... I suppose so."

"I also should probably apologise on that last mare's behalf. If you're worried about it affecting your reputation or something - don't be. I'm pretty sure everypony knows how she is."

Anon felt a wave of warmth soak through his pores and into his aching bones. The mare's lips curled up into a smile as she noticed his posture perk back up some. "Really?" asked Anon. "Well I'll be honest with you as well - that's definitely a relief."

She looked down at her hooves and then back up at him again. "Listen," she said, "I can tell that you haven't had a great night tonight. But don't let it discourage you." This mare's soft and sweet voice seeped through his muscles and melted their sinews to gloop. "There's somepony out there for everyone." She took a dainty sip of her drink.

"Thanks for the kind words. Really. I don't really know what to add to that, to be honest," replied Anon, lamely. He secretly hoped she would keep doing most of the talking.

She giggled around the edge of her glass and set it down. "Don't worry. You may well discover that your unique appearance becomes a boon rather than a bane."

"... Are you sure you aren't interested?" asked Anon with a playful laugh. She smiled sweetly at him and gave an apologetic look.

"I'm sure, Anon. I'm sorry; I want kids and stuff, you know?"

"Oh. Well, uh... Magic?" Anon couldn't help but let a snicker flow past his lips as he said that.

This time, Lemon laughed heartily, prompting him to join her. "Nice try, buddy!"

As the pair shared in their laughter and took a non-mutual gulp of their drinks, the heartstopping sound of the bell blasted Anon's ears one last time.

"And that's game, set and match!" shouted Sunshine, over the ruckus of the venue. "Congratulations, everypony - you made it through! Now that wasn't so bad, was it?" Sunshine's announcement was met with a good few cheers and almost as many grumbles.

Anon nodded to Lemon, and she nodded back with a wink for good luck. With that, she stepped away from the table and back over towards the original seating areas. Anon made sure to take note of her cutie mark as she trotted away. It was a small trio of hearts bunched together.

He felt thankful for her attitude, and yet bittersweet about her words. One part of him hoped they were true, but another part of him thought back to that creepy purple mare and prayed she was wrong. Anon stood from his chair and stretched his arms above his head once standing, feeling his back pop with a satisfying crack.

He made his way over to join the other stallions in the group seating area of the restaurant. Sunshine cleared her throat as the event's hosts began handing out small cards.

"You'll now receive your match cards. Just fill 'em out and bring 'em back to me. Us hosts will then sort out your matches. What you then do with those is between you, the other pony, and the bartender."

Her following pause induced the intended effect, with the participants chuckling together.

"Have a great rest of your weekends!" With a small cheer, ponies began filtering back over to the bar in order to fill out their cards. Sunshine had a cup filled with small quills ready for contestants to take set on the edge of her podium.

Anon snagged a quill and walked back over to his buddies with card in hand. He didn't quite know what face to give them as he stepped up to their table, so his mask remained mostly blank.

"Great job, sport. You did great, I'm sure of it," said Rumble, patting Anon on his back. Anon waited for Prowler to make some kind of remark, but when he looked down he saw the stallion just glaring at the light brown mare who had screamed at him.

Anon peeked back up at Rumble with a raised brow, and the gruff stallion just lightly shook his head with a shrug. Anon glanced back at Prowler a couple more times before gently tapping him on the shoulder. He got the message and scooted along the seat deeper into their booth, finally ripping his eyes away from Anon's aggressor.

"You good?" asked Anon, taking a seat in the spot Prowler had opened up for him.

"Yeah," murmured Prowler.

"Cool, cool." Anon cleared his throat and went about filling out his card. It was really simple, actually. Just each mare's first name with a picture of her cutie mark stamped on the side. Next to each prospective candidate was a 'yes' and 'no' column with blank boxes to tick. To the right of those was a 'match' column, likely meant for the organisers to fill in.

Anon went down the list, ticking 'yes' to most every mare he had spoken to, with the exception of the creeper mare and the xenophobic one. Obviously.

He paused over Derpy, a flush coming to his cheeks. He noticed her sitting on the opposite side of the bar space in a seat cornered next to the bar itself. Her muzzle was restless and her brow was furrowed in visible fear.

Every few moments, she would look up from her card at nearby approaching stallions, only to hurriedly look away again each time they veered away from her.

He thought he had caught her eye for a moment, but quickly coughed into his fist upon realising he had caught the wrong one.

Returning his attention to his own card, Anon also paused over the last mare, Lemon Hearts. He gave her a 'yes' on the off chance that she changed her mind about her expressed disinterest. She genuinely seemed nice, and it doesn't hurt to try.

With that done, he returned his card and quill to Sunshine and sat back down to wait. As he sat back in his chair and cracked open a drink that had been slapped down in front of him by Rumble, he began to grow restless. Any minute now, he would find out whether all this night's mares and nightmares alike had been worth the heartache.

Nothing but the continued occasional slam of bowling balls on pins punctuated the passage of time in their little sheltered booth.

Eventually, Prowler perked up with a grin and said, "I saw you ogling Octavia and that weird mailmare again. You got a thing for grey mares? Figured you were boring." Anon flicked the stallion across the muzzle. "Urk! You know what, maybe I should tell the mailmare what you and Rumble said about her yesterday..."

"You dare, and I skin you with your own teeth," growled Anon. Prowler's eyes widened and he audibly gulped. "See if I'm kidding. Go ahead."

Rumble wheezed from across the table and slapped its surface with a gigantic hoof. He looked between the pair with a smile as they gawped at him. Rumble then shook his head and started chugging his drink.

His blazing pace was interrupted by a mare dressed in a sleek tux slipping a card in front of Anon. Prowler leaned forward in his chair to watch her from behind as she trotted away, prompting Anon to flick him on the snout once more.

"Give it a rest, horndog," said Anon. "The most important person at this table just received his judgement." Despite Anon's attempted joking, the pair of stallions shared in his discomfort as he unfolded the neat little card.

Rumble raised a brow to himself when he noticed that Prowler did not peek over at Anon's card. The stallions instead patiently watched Anon's face, and the flurry of emotions scrambling across it.

Anon's anxiety melted into disappointment, and then all the down way into the sticky mush of defeat. He reached the bottom of his card and shook his head. Prowler cocked a confused brow at him and said, "Anon, can you even count? I'm pretty sure you turned the card over when you were filling it in..."

That's when Anon remembered, feeling foolish in having his nerves get the better of his memory. He definitely spoke with more than four mares tonight. Duh.

He should probably ask Rumble to give him that smack across the jaw - might jostle free the mushroom sculpture sticking out of his cranium right now.

Anon decided to rip the bandaid off, no matter how much it might hurt, and so flipped the card over in one swoop.

He couldn't believe his eyes. As he scanned the last two match column entries that had been hiding overleaf, he almost stood to his feet to help with airflow.

His male companions grinned at his obvious excitement. "Can we take that reaction as a good sign, or...?" chuckled Rumble.

"Guys, look!" Anon turned the card so the stallions could clearly lean in and see it. "I got one... I think. That's definitely a match, right?"

"Yeah, dumbass," chided Prowler. "You never seen a ticked box before?" Anon glared at him for a brief moment before looking back at the card. He hadn't seen who he matched with, but there were really only a few possibilities. He had gotten along alright with Berry, had a really nice chat with Octavia, and he and Derpy-

Anon found his collar growing sweaty again and his cheeks pulsing with blood. Not that he had any preferences or anything, but... Well, he wasn't in a position to be a chooser right now. He looked across the column and found the match to be ticked next to Derpy's name and an image of a set of bubbles.

He blinked, unable to believe what he was seeing. So her enthusiasm had been real. He had shown her himself, and she had liked him!

As if to curb his enthusiasm, Anon's brain once again rattled with images of the piece of himself that he left at home.

He shook those fears away quickly, instead focusing upon the grey mare sitting across the bar. She was huddled by herself in her corner, reading her own card. It looked like she was... Crying? What?

They were not tears of joy (don't flatter yourself, Anon), but tears of grief. Did her hoof slip when she filled in her card or something, and now she was nervous about having to turn him away?

Rumble watched Anon's face closely once again, and rolled his eyes. With a shove strong enough to shatter a car window, the burly stallion sent Anon into the middle of the room. "Go get 'em, son. Best of luck." When Anon looked back over at their booth, Rumble cracked his neck and said, "You come back here without talking to her and I'll force feed you Prowler's porn stash when we leave."

Anon gulped and turned back around to face the diminutive mare, who was now rubbing her eyes and sniffling. Her beautiful blonde mane bounced with the heaving of her chest. The sloppily-applied mascara now stained the sides of her hooves and ran down her cheeks.

She did not notice Anon's approach. "H-Hey..." he croaked.

Derpy flinched and her card tumbled to the ground at the sound of the masculine voice. She looked left and right before settling her wide-eyed gaze upon Anon.

As though on impulse, her mouth formed into an excited smile and her broken breathing slowed. "Hi, Anon!" After a few seconds though, a realisation dawned across her features and her reaction to him seemed to shift, bringing her tear ducts back to welling. "How are you d-doing?"

Anon was bewildered. Did she not have the same match as him? Had there been a mistake from the organisers? "Uhm... pretty good, actually. Yeah," Anon murmured as he folded his hands behind his back and licked the pearly whites behind his lips.

"That's great! You were no doubt a hit with all the mares. Well... Except that one mean pony," Derpy mewled, lowering her head. "I hope she didn't upset you."

"Who, her?" Anon blew a short raspberry as he cast his gaze across the bar.

A small grin threatened to worm its way onto his lips as he noticed the brown mare angrily demanding that a host re-check her card.

"Nah! So anyway," he said, briefly rolling back on his heels. "Did you happen to get any matches?" Derpy sniffled. "I'd be shocked if you didn't have stallions fighting each other for the right to fulfil their matches with you."

Derpy's face wore the ghost of a smile, and yet her head drooped. "Thanks, but no. I didn't get any matches this year... Ag-Again." Anon felt his heart shatter into pieces, said pieces sticking into his internal lining like parasites draining his life force.

"I think it might be my eyes..." She closed her eyes shut with force before opening them again. "I'm not sure. B-But there's always next year. I'll keep trying!"

The determination that graced her teary-eyed features and pumped hoof brought that same concerning pressure building behind his eyes.

He didn't feel like crying, and yet his eyes glistened to the point where he felt the need to wipe them. Really gotta get that checked...

"Are you sure, Derpy? Did you check properly? I only got one match, and I almost missed it."

"Yeah, I looked through plenty of times... And nothing." One of her eyes swivelled and then settled on the chandelier above them. "B-But it's okay. I hope you have an incredible time with your date; you deserve it."

As Derpy began to solemnly walk away with her head held low, Anon grabbed her attention. "H-Hang on. Did you check the back of your card?"

"Th-The back?" Her wings lifted and she looked herself over for the card, as though it could somehow be stuck to her naked body.

Anon chuckled and walked back over to her seat. He kneeled down and picked up her card before handing it to her. "Here."

Derpy attempted to claim the card from him, but instead ended up knocking it from his grip and down to the floor between them. Derpy jolted slightly and said, "Ah! My bad. Let me just..."

The pair both leaned down to retrieve the card at the same time. Due to their height difference, this resulted in Anon stopping his hand just above her hoof, prompting her to look up at him. Their faces now lingered no more than six inches apart, and Derpy blinked in surprise as both of her eyes focused upon the human's own.

Anon coughed and stood back upright, muttering an indecipherable apology. Derpy flushed beet red and said, "Th-Thanks, but I got it..."

Once Derpy opened her card again, she flipped it over and scanned the page. However, her hold over the card was short lived as she gasped loud enough to draw the attention of a few nearby ponies, the card flittering down to the floor once more.

Her wings now fully extended in her excitement as she retrieved the card one final time and attempted to observe the details of her match. She glanced up at him a few times as she fiddled with the card, eyes glistening with hope.

Her wings drooped, however, as she initially looked at the picture associated with her match.

"A... A banana? I didn't notice anypony with a banana for a cutie mark."

Anon balked and leaned down to glare at her card. Upon seeing the image of a banana, he grit his teeth and felt the need to scrape his feet ready to charge at the door. That little purple b-

"Oh! It has a name here. Look!" Derpy looked up at him and began to bounce with glee. "It... S-Says 'Anon'..." Her bouncing slowed as the reality of the situation dawned on her.

She suddenly shrunk in on herself and looked away from him towards the bar to her right, yet was unable to stifle the smile tugging at her messy pink lips.

"Y-Yeah... It does." Anon's embarassed expression could have melted permafrost. "We, err. We matched, I guess."

"We did." Derpy scuffed a hoof on the luscious red carpet and finally built up the nerve to look at him. "So, do you want to, uhm...?"

Anon wrestled with his cufflinks, just to give his hands something to do. "Yes!" he exclaimed, a little too loudly. He then cleared his throat. "Yes. I would love to." Derpy was visibly shaking at his words. "How about tomorrow for lunch? Meet me at Sugarcube Corner?"

"Sure!" Derpy dropped her vision once more, smiling sweetly to herself. "B-Bye, Anon."

With that, Derpy skittered into the dividing area between the sections of the venue and all but flew out the door, almost taking out a host with a tray full of drinks on her way out.

Anon stood stock-still, completely starstruck. After the dust had settled, he leered over at his bros' table without turning his head. Prowler feigned yacking up his dinner while Rumble's mouth lifted to one side with a gentle nod of his head.

Anon joined them once more, letting out a sigh and faceplanting over the surface of the table like a cat making sure the stairs are unusable.

Prowler laughed and said, "Well, good job, dude. But to be honest, I still have the hotter date for tomorrow." He picked up his drink and admired it with a smug expression. "Better luck next time."

Anon scowled at the stallion with a scoff and quipped, "I haven't seen your date, but I'm pretty sure you'd hump a toaster if it got hot and bothered in your presence."

Rumble bust out laughing, showering some of his cider over an unimpressed Prowler.

After wiping his face clean, Prowler too joined in the merriment and said, "And here I was thinking you'd lost your bite with all that sap. You were like a different person today, bro."

"Nah, I'm pretty sure he's always been in there. Just needed to lure him out with some bubbly grey tush, eh, son?" teased Rumble.

The starstruck man did not respond. In fact, he appeared not to have heard anything they said at all.

Rumble chuckled to himself and then leaned over to Prowler and whispered, "Uh oh."

Prowler looked back at Rumble, suppressing a laugh at Anon's aloof expression.

After leaning back in his seat and grabbing his cider bottle, Rumble grinned to himself and muttered, "Oh, to be young..."