Rainbow Dash is (Not) Gay

Three days had passed since Rainbow had dashed out of the sleepover, and Applejack had shuffled out in a daze. The rest had been unable to do anything but sit and worry, hoping their friends would be okay. After the third day of radio silence they knew it was their duty to resolve this uncomfortable dilemma. They had tacitly agreed that they should talk to Applejack first, before going up to apologize to Rainbow. When they arrived at Sweet Apple Acres, Big Mac knew what they were there for and silently pointed a hoof to where he knew her sister would be. All were stopped dead in their tracks when they found their usually indomitable friend alone on a knoll that overlooked the orchard.

Applejack had spent every waking moment for the last three days on that spot, staring out into the distance. She sat under a tree, the wind in her long blonde mane, her big green eyes searching the horizon for an answer that would not come. The assembled looked at each other uncertainly, and Twilight finally sighed and approached the pondering farm pony. She silently slipped beside her on the grass and the two sat quietly together for a long moment, Twilight giving Applejack all the time she needed to gather her thoughts. Just as the princess was about to hazard a statement, Applejack whispered something that she couldn't quite catch. “What was that AJ?” She shrank back as she saw tears begin to form in the earth pony's eyes.

“Am Ah the asshole Twahlaght?” Applejack hissed with a voice that had been mostly silent for three days.

Twilight balked for a moment at her friend's use of profanity, and couldn't process an answer. “Um. . . I don't?. . .” She was startled when her friend snapped to her hooves. The ponderous stillness exploded into a flood of verbal diarrhea.

“It's not just me raght?! We all thought it! And whah wouldn’t Ah? I mean her freakin name is RAINBOW DASH Twahlaght! RAINBOW! DASH! She's literally got a gay pride flag stickin out uh her ASS! I feel lahke Ah'm goin crazy here! I git that not everypony does everythang lahke everypony else, but COME ON! You're tellin me that THAT MARE don't lahke gals!”

Applejack finally had to stop for breath and Twilight took the opportunity to get a word in edgewise. “Wait? . . . You're. . . Aren't you heartbroken that Rainbow turned you down?”

The earth pony waved a hoof dismissively. “Naw, naw, taint nothin lahke that. Heck, Ah ain't even gay neither. Ah just got a little bit of a crush on R.D. n thought Ah maght as well see iffn there was anythin to it. No, what I don't git is how somepony can show ALL THE SAGHNS of bein a filly fooler, n not have the slahghtest inclination in that durection!”

The princess grew mildly offended at her friend's reaction. “Well AJ, I seem to remember a certain Trenderhoof showed a romantic interest in you, yet he exhibited several traits associated with homosexuals.”

“Yes Twah! That's one of the thangs that Ah didn't lahke about ‘im! He was kahnd of a pansy!” Applejack said, her face strained.

The alicorn frowned, “Well! I'm certain that several ponies would assume you're a lesbian because of your deep voice, and rural ways!”

“EXACTLY!” The earth pony shouted. “That's mah point! I know I seem lahke Ah’d lahke nuthin better than a good old fashioned clam bake! AH! GIT! THAT! But Ah at least make SOME SORT UH EFFORT to show the fellers Ah’m available! But with Rainbow it’s every single thing, every single tahme! If it looks lahke a duck, walks lahke a duck, and quaks lahke a duck, then it's probably a duck Twahlaght!” She plopped down on the ground and held her head in her hooves. “It's messin with mah head Twah! I mean, iffn RD can be the gayest gal in Equestria, and still be straight, then how in the hay are ponies supposed to be able to fahnd somethin they lahke?! Am Ah just dumb? Did the rules of how to find a guy or a gal switch when Ah weren't payin attention?”

Twilight joined her friend on the ground and wrapped a wing around her comfortingly. “I know AJ. It is out of the ordinary, but this is the exception, not the rule. You weren't wrong in thinking Rainbow is gay, heck we all did! But we need to recognize that behavior and sexual preference don't always go together. And right now our friend is waiting on us to tell her we've realized that.”

Applejack sighed hard with resignation and looked out into the distance. “Ah know Twah. Just a liddle. . . Surprahsed is all.”

The princess rose and turned to leave. “Well then let's go, the balloon is waiting on us.” She made to step away, but she was stopped by an orange hoof on her shoulder.

“Twah. . . Y'all'r . . . Some sort of Bi. Raght?” Applejack asked timidly.

The alicorn blushed to the ears, but decided it would help her friend get the rest of the way over her confusion. “Uhm. . . Applejack. I'm a very, VERY specific case. . . Me and Celestia. . . Ahem . . . Have a very specific relationship. With school girl outfits, and yard sticks. . . Ahem.” She couldn't bring herself to continue.

Applejack blinked. “Kay, so Ah was close at least. And the rest er straight?”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “I think the whole point of this conversation was that it doesn't matter. But yes, Rarity and Fluttershy are both straight, and Pinkie is only “gay in a threeway.”

The earth pony nodded. “Just wanted to see how close Ah was to bein raght.”