Chapter One.

Zworp.

“Buh.”

That was the first word…or noise out of my mouth upon falling headfirst through a particularly vomit filled fountain.

Long story.

“T-Twilight?”

The second noise out of my mouth was a long, pained groan as the hangover finally caught up to me, the bastard bitch. Couple that with an utterly searing light going straight into my fucking eyes, and I was not having a good old time. No sir.

“What is it Spike? The spectrograph is giving off some intriguing results and-oh.”

I shut my eyelids and firmly pressed my weirdly numb hands over my face, dropping low to the ground as the sound of like, clopping hooves or some other weird shit slowly got closer.

“It’s…it’s you?”

Alas, the noises, and subsequent voices, did not magically cease to exist. A second set of feet gently padding across the ground.

“It is…that’s…not what that spell was supposed to do.”

Warily lowering a hand, I cracked an eye open and glared up at the vaguely purple blur staring down at me. Fuck, that probably wasn’t a good sign.

“Hey.”

The purple blur tilted what I assumed was its (or her, judging by the voice) head, evidently hesitant.

“Hey?”

I nodded slowly, immediately regretted the motion, and waved a hand at purple.

“Y’got any uhhh…whiskey?”

Amazingly enough, that ended up being my introduction to one Twilight Sparkle, librarian of Ponyville, bearer of the element of magic, and student of Princess Celestia.

Somehow, it didn’t come as a surprise.

—

“So what you’re saying is, I’m a clone.”

Purple sparkle horse lady hesitated, before dipping her head down in a nod, gently sliding over the teacup she’d set on the ground in front of me.

“S-seemingly. It’s quite fascinating really. I was working on a spell that-”

The resulting magical techno-nerd babble was excised from my mind the moment I heard it, in order to preserve my own sanity. Instead, I focused on the tea set right in front of my…snout?

Did horses have snouts? Or ponies.

Fuck, was horse a curse here? Or a species?

“Hey is horse a curse?”

Twilight paused in her excited magic rant to blink down at me, the slight shock in her eyes telling me everything I needed to know.

“Uhm-yes. Whorse isn’t exactly a word that’d be used in polite company, I think.”

Aha, I heard the W there. Adding that one to the collection.

“Right right right, sorry. I think my brain’s still a lil scrambled.”

The librarian blinked in response to the statement, a flash of worry flitting across her face. Good woman, that horse. Or uh…good mare, that pony? Shit this was gonna take some getting used to.

“Oh dear, you’re not in pain are you? And from the sounds of it, you don’t have my memories, so I suppose the mental faculties weren’t entirely copied over-”

Pretty sure that was an unintentional insult of some kind, but whatever. I shushed the nerdy pony (aha, adapting already!) with a hand (hoof damn it!) and shook my head.

“Nuh uh.”

She mumbled back the words at me, and I nodded in response.

“Mhm. I’m hungover.”

One of her own hooves rose to gently push mine aside, before she tilted her head again.

“Oh, so you do have my memories-”

Shaking my head again, I waved a hoof back and forward, idly shoving the cup of tea away from me as I did so.

“Nah nah nah, I like-have nothing. Zilch. Nada. I’m just also hungover.”

I wasn’t sober enough to explain the whole techno monkey reincarnation situation to her, and I probably never would be, if I was being honest. Not if I had anything to say about it at least.

Ignorant of my internal vow, Twilight nodded thoughtfully, a hoof coming up once more, this time to rub her chin.

“That’s…odd. You haven’t fizzed out of existence yet, so you’re evidently not a pure magical construct. You seem to be made of flesh and blood as well. So uh…hm.”

Fuck, I needed a drink.

“Oh, your tea is getting cold. Hold on, I’ll go up and ask Spike to heat it up for you. He likes getting to use his fire for something other than messages, when he gets the chance.”

As the purple pony quickly turned around and trotted her way up the stairs, I glanced around the elaborate library she’d seemingly retrofitted into a temporary lab space, staring at the distant (about eight feet or so) door in contemplation.

“....Fuuuuck it.”

Contemplation which lasted less than a few seconds before I steadily drew my legs and hooves beneath me, somehow managing to rise to something resembling a wobbly stand without eating utter shit.

Pony muscle memory, fuck yeah. Or maybe just drunken expertise. Equally fuck yeah.

Gently placing one hoof in front of another until I settled into a gentle rhythm, I stumbled my way over to the door, headbutted the thing open (carefully avoiding scraping up the funky lil horn now attached to my skull), and wandered out into the busy street beyond.

“Hi!”

Only to nearly unleash a panicked litany of slurs as a bright pink face took up my entire field of vision, equally bright blue eyes staring into my soul as it did so.

“Eyyyyy.”

The greeting slipped past my lips on instinct, even as I leaned back slightly and took the new pony in.

“Eyyyyy!”

Yep, pink coat. Poofy pink hair. Blue eyes. Her butt tattoo showed off a trio of balloons. Pinkie Pie. Nice.

“My ma-are. How you doin?”

Pinkie Pie smiled wide, bobbing her head up and down.

“I’m doing great! It’s been a while since I got to welcome a newcomer to Ponyville! What’s your name?”

Blinking, I answered with the first thing that felt appropriate.

“Boozelight Sparkle.”

“Oh! That’s a really specific name!”

“Please give me alcohol.”

“...Okie Dokie Loki!”

The pink mare reached into her poofy ass mane with a hoof, the limb emerging with a bottle that was promptly handed (hoofed?) to me by the happy party planner.

I stared down at the beverage, some kind of cider judging by the apple proudly emblazoned on the glass, carefully ignored the physics of how the fuck it was sticking to the flat of my hoof, and instead promptly looked back up at the pony across from me.

“Pinkie Pie.”

“Yeah?”

“If you ever need anyone jumped. I’ve got you.”

“Okay!”

Truly, I had been here for all of fifteen minutes, and I’d already found the magic of friendship.

Click. Sip. Sigh.

And booze, of course. Can't forget the booze.

Author's Note

Yadda yadda yadda, I have begun the funny pony story. Some specific individuals might recognise me, so hello to you goobers. Most likely won't, so...nice to meet you lot for the first time, I suppose.

Anyway, let's see where this takes us, yeah?